To think if you’ve not bothered with the couple in pregnancy, you shouldn’t expect to the see the baby in the first couple of weeks?

[FlyingSoap]

Before I got pregnant I really thought people were precious saying this and thought, the whole world doesn’t revolve around you just because you’re pregnant. I feel naive now for ever thinking that way, because I get it.

Those who say ‘I can’t wait for cuddles, I’m going to be first in the queue,’ but other than saying stuff like that just don’t bother to ask you how you are at all in pregnancy… ugh.

AIBU to think anyone who doesn’t reach out in pregnancy, at least once or twice, shouldn’t expect to meet a new baby if they’re not that interested in the lives of his or her parents?

I understand what you are saying op, it can be very tough after a birth particularly if you had a traumatic one and the last thing you want are people you don’t keep in touch with appearing right after the birth. I know not all are like this but I did feel very obliged to be welcoming after my first and try entertain. It genuinely stressed me out and slowed my recovery from what was a tough experience anyway. Subsequent babies I left it that I postponed anyone we were not close with and it made a colossal difference both times. We were all so relaxed and in a little bubble! I have vivid memories of getting home after baby number one after a forceps birth and going back to my mums house to stay with my partner and the baby, totally shell shocked after the baby being in intensive care and me being in a dreadful way, and my mum inviting all her friends and our family over after I only walked in the door . I had gone straight up to bed because I was exhausted from no sleep, and in a lot of pain and a distant uncle appeared at the door and sat at the end of my bed for a catch up and to hold the baby🤦‍♀️ he was the first in i think ten visitors that night, none were close to me just my mums inner circle as such. needless to say, although thankfully not needing to as subsequent births were fine for the most part, I never enlisted my mums help again😂 you are most definitely not unreasonable op and I do agree with previous posters that say your baby your choice and people you are not close to can meet baby whenever you are ready! I think having a baby is a bit different to birthdays and funerals and weddings as they are (with the exception of funerals of course) generally more planned and there may not have been as much stress and health issues prior as pregnancy and then on top of what may or may not have been a smooth pregnancy you are up so much with feeds and trying to recover. Some ladies cruise through and are happy to entertain anyone knocking but it’s absolutely fine to not want to do that straight away!

I wonder if anyone on here is old enough to remember when having a baby was regarded as a normal family event and everyone was happy for the new family then got on as normal, probably with help/support from parents and inlaws?

Now it seems that from conception, a lot of time is spent plotting ways to control the family by using the baby - who the parents seem to think the world is gagging to meet - as a pawn.

The pregnant woman must he treated like a princess at all times and everything she says has to be acted on immediately. The father is not important and his only role is to agree with everything she says and be rude to anyone who steps out of line

Once baby is here, the world must wait to meet the new messiah and only on the mother's terms. Any descenters will be dealt with by not being allowed to meet the baby.

Withholding the baby because the relatives have not made enough fuss of the pregnant woman - l've heard it all now.

So true @Ocadoshoppingjustarrived

OR, isn't it lovely how the birth of a baby brings people together and gives you an excuse to reconnect with friends and family you haven't seen for a while.

I moved away so rarely see my aunties these days. I was delighted when the one I love came to see my baby, and fully understood when the one I... Love less came

This. It was nice seeing people when I had my children, but I’m sure they just rocked up with a little gift, and to ooh and ahh, more out of friendship or family duty.

Pregnancies usually only affect the parents to be, and maybe very close family.

Most people aren't particularly interested.🤷‍♀️

@Ocadoshoppingjustarrived , I know, one must be so privileged to meet the little messiah !

I think most people don’t actually care about you being pregnant, nor do they care about your baby. However it is generally socially expected to say “cute baby”, when can I see them.

You will find during pregnancy and maternity leave, when you can’t socialise like you used to, that you have far fewer people who care than you thought.

Quite.

I've just had a baby but I agree with you!

Goodness me what a nasty post. Have you genuinely had this experience in real life? OP didn’t say she wanted to be treated like a princess, she said she would have liked a simple ‘how are you?’ text. There is a pretty big difference.

Also I think the OP is making the point that the family can’t be that close if they haven’t been in touch for the best part of a year before the baby arrives, so they could give her a chance to get settle before they visit. She is not saying they will never meet the baby- just not straight away. Yes it is nice for extended family to meet new baby but why does that have to happen in the first couple of weeks when mum is recovering and baby is at their most vulnerable?

All of what OP said sounds reasonable to me.

Sounds like you’re projecting your own issues on to the op. Get a grip, women who’ve just had a baby are perfectly entitled to put boundaries in place, and have expectations of others remembering she still exists as an individual whilst pregnant and just after giving birth. The father’s role is to support her fully in this. No one is ‘withholding’ a baby, a newborn isn’t an object to be fawned over. The only important thing in those first couple of weeks is for mum and baby to be close and both well cared for however that looks to them. So yes you can wait.

In all honesty they probably don’t want to come but feel like they have to because they’re family and you’ve got a new baby. Just tell them no- they would likely be relieved.

Make your pregnancy as precious and your baby as exclusive as you like but you'd be a fool to impose such a stupid rule. Do you need help during your pregnancy? If so, ask!

Parents generally need and want support and they want people to be interested in their child(ren). Turn yourself into a self-styled celeb if you want but don't be surprised when there is limited interest afterwards. Your choice entirely.

Is someone who can only be bothered with you when there's a new baby likely to become part of your "village" of helpers?

Yes, they might offer to have the child occasionally, come to parties, have a relationship with the child as a Paterson in their own right.

Same people moaning are those who'd moan if nobody gave a shit. It's all a bit controlling and attention seeking tbh

Exactly. The people who are outraged that they can’t see the brand new baby straight away when mum is recovering are hardly going to be the ones she turns to when baby is older and she needs help. Mums remember who was supportive and these are her ‘village’.

However I think the reality is most reasonable relatives understand. Luckily I didn’t have to deal with the above situation and when I asked for a bit more time, my extended family understood. Shockingly, I wasn’t called a princess or told I was using the baby as a pawn!

Pregnancy is a condition not a disease. People don't all start fawning over us and taking a sudden interest just because we're pregnant.

To me it's a bit much expecting the parents to prioritise someone that they have no prior good relationship with themselves just because they want a relationship with the baby.

If you don’t want them there don’t have them there. Pregnancy is special - for the parents. For the rest of us not so much. Depends how much special attention you need.

Those who say ‘I can’t wait for cuddles, I’m going to be first in the queue,’ but other than saying stuff like that just don’t bother to ask you how you are at all in pregnancy… ugh.

Surely if they’re saying things like this then you must be having some form of communication with them.

Unless you are saying that you announced your pregnancy, they said these things at the time and then ignored you since?

I don't think anyone said prioritise. But this is a normal dynamic. People check in when you have a new baby. This odd tit-for-tat is going to push people away, and then you'll wonder why nobody asks about you/the child anymore

Meh total opposite for me, I hate talking about my health / medical state / personal things so the less I've been asked how I am during my pregnancy the better for me.

The people who have asked often don't seem satisfied with 'I'm absolutely fine; nothing to report' either. They give me 'going to want gory details of the birth' vibes and therefore are the people I'm less keen to have visit in the early days.

See who you want to OP! Just be busy, you don’t need a reason. Mind you, I really wanted company when I had my first baby as I was horribly lonely. I didn’t really clock who had been in touch during my pregnancy. Life happens. Maybe your friends have stuff going on themselves.

I also hate talking about things like this. One friend visited me specifically to ‘see me pregnant’. I found this a bit unnerving although politely said she could come.

Does she have to remember other people exist and still put in effort with her friends, or does it become a one way street for some reason?

If you haven’t had any contact with someone for 9+ months, they’re clearly not a current close friend. So no, I wouldn’t feel obliged to see them during the postnatal period (which can be a challenging time in many ways) if you don’t want to.

I had some family abroad I literally hadn’t had any contact with for 10+ years other than Xmas cards suggest a video call on day 3. I had zero qualms about saying no, as I’d read in so many places that day 3 is supposed to be the worst day with baby blues hitting, milk coming in, etc. I guess they hadn’t come across this info and I imagined I’d be back looking slim and gorgeous again by then, desperate to show off my perfect designer nursery with baby sleeping sweetly in it (rather than screaming his head off unable to latch whilst my milk sprayed everywhere).