To think if you’ve not bothered with the couple in pregnancy, you shouldn’t expect to the see the baby in the first couple of weeks?

[FlyingSoap]

Before I got pregnant I really thought people were precious saying this and thought, the whole world doesn’t revolve around you just because you’re pregnant. I feel naive now for ever thinking that way, because I get it.

Those who say ‘I can’t wait for cuddles, I’m going to be first in the queue,’ but other than saying stuff like that just don’t bother to ask you how you are at all in pregnancy… ugh.

AIBU to think anyone who doesn’t reach out in pregnancy, at least once or twice, shouldn’t expect to meet a new baby if they’re not that interested in the lives of his or her parents?

And then the visitors won’t bother and then op will be complaining that no one came to see the baby .

Most people not immediately related to a baby don’t really give much of a shit, it’s just the done thing to pretend you’re excited

Exactly. When someone announces their pregnancy it's polite to say: "Congratulations! Can't wait to meet the little one". I don't imagine that these people that you seldom see or hear from are going to be beating down your door when the baby is born.

But by all means spend your time daydreaming about weaponizing your baby; it seems to be a favorite MN past time🙄

Why? We had visitors and took our baby to visit, babies are allowed to be with people it is normal

But what did they have to reach out in pregnancy? Why would it have made a difference the pregnancy

The world is getting more weird each day

It's not honestly something I've thought about.

I'm sure people visited me that hadn't contacted me during pregnancy, I didn't really keep tabs.

A new baby is a lifetime event that people often feel like they're expected to visit. They may not even want to! 'Can't wait for cuddles' is something people just say, even if they aren't really arsed. And if they're contacting you saying 'can't wait for cuddles' then they've been in touch?

I think it's nice if people want to see your baby. That means they are taking an interest in your life.

Just to add, I'm 3 months post partum

Yes!

I've often felt duty bound to see an extended family members baby. It's kind of the done thing our huge extended family. We might hardly ever see eachother besides hatches, matches and dispatches. But there is love there so I think it's a nice thing to do.

You sound like hard work OP!

A new baby, marriages, engagements, funerals (sadly), these are all major milestones or extended family to reach out and keep the connection and show their care in the wider family context. How often do you reach out to these distant relatives? If no-one ever made an effort for the big family things then you will all loose touch - up to you really.

Some responses here are insane. Absolutely agree with you OP, if you're not close enough to check in with me, then I will absolutely not be putting myself out to let you into my space when I'm exhausted, bleeding and vulnerable. Babies are not toys to be passed around to every virus-carrying Tom, Dick and Harry who wants a cuddle. If they haven't checked in during pregnancy (or probably before) then the likelihood is they won't be keeping in touch when your baby grows either. And if they are genuinely interested and care about your baby, then they should also care about you and have no problem waiting until you're ready to meet them.
Granted I say this as an introvert who hates visitors, especially people I'm not close to. And I certainly did not want to 'show off' my tiny babies when they were at their most vulnerable and susceptible to illness (which they picked up from kisses from great grand aunt Marjory 🙄)

Those who say ‘I can’t wait for cuddles, I’m going to be first in the queue,’ but other than saying stuff like that just don’t bother to ask you how you are at all in pregnancy… ugh.

They likely don’t actually mean that though. It’s just something to say.

I doubt you’ll have to beat off a queue off marauding relatives who you rarely see the moment you arrive home from hospital.

I found it quite annoying to have various strangers and friends check in on me if I'm honest. It felt repetitive. I felt like I was living the same four or five conversations over and over.

Relatives are excited to meet the baby because it's a relative, rather than because they are close to you. The more people that care about your child, the better. Babies and children in general are a great excuse for bringing more distant families back together.

I hope you're putting the same expectations on all of your DH's relatives too!

You get to set your own boundaries in life. If you don't want extended family that you don't see very often turning up in the early days.to see your baby then you can say so.

I get you. My son is 2 People called the first few weeks of his life and they haven't seen my son since! They couldn't care less. And they called and just wanted to hold him not actuslly see Me.

True friends,bring coffee/make coffee. Ask about you,let you have a break!

Not sure why you are getting such a hard time OP.

For someone not to be in touch with you at least once or twice during pregnancy implies you aren’t close so I can see why they wouldn’t be a priority for you to see in those first few weeks which are difficult enough!
Once baby is 3 months or so and a bit more robust, you’ll probably feel more up to it and that is a better time IMO.

Im also convinced people feel like they are sort of obligated in some way to see a new baby - like it’s polite to do so! Really it is perfectly fine to check in with new mum and just leave it open - that you would love to meet little one once they are all settled. Not sure what the obsession with meeting tiny newborns is (outside immediate family)- newborns are vulnerable to infection and don’t benefit from meeting extended family at all anyway.

Extended family, auntie/cousins and friends who I’ve not seen in a long time

Are you married, or have you ever been to a wedding?
This is really a part of our culture. There are events where people traditionally come together, including people who aren’t in a daily or even regular lives.

The birth of a baby is one of those culturally and traditionally important events.

Being pregnant is not.

It’s just good manners, again a cultural thing, to make a big deal about “wanting cuddles” or visiting quickly. You’d soon be posting, “baby is 6 weeks old and cousin hasn’t even asked to come round”, I bet.

Some of those politely expressing enthusiasm won’t even care about being the first, or even coming at all. But, culture dictates. You’re being very precious about this.

Agree OP. If people aren't close enough to be in touch as normal when you're pregnant I wouldn't prioritise them for a baby visit. Babies aren't a communal happiness resource.

In general I'm getting cynical of the trend of being virtually no contact with extended family but expected to act like you're close on special occasions. What's the point? If you have people you are close to day to day why are you then expected to care about virtual strangers that you happen to share more DNA with than average?

Your view is skewed because YOU want the baby so much. You are unreasonable. Mostly because they are not even coming for themselves - other people's babies are just really not that interesting - they are coming as a form of kinship caring.

You don't have to want or accept that.

Equally, don't be surprised at the lack of village of you are annoyed at people being invested in your baby. Once it is really here.

Get over yourself. Your baby is not a weapon for playing tit for tat.

Ah no I get this. I went round to my sister every week while she was pregnant to make sure she was ok and I was pregnant myself with a toddler. Why? Because I love her and pregnancy can be so lonely.

People have no empathy here

Wouldn't you be complaining if they didn't want to see the baby?

Mayne they're not that bothered but being dutiful by offering to come and see you and baby and showing interest - did you think of that?

You seem to have acknowledged yourself that it's different for you now you're then one who is pregnant.

Yabu. Did you reach out too as it goes both ways. Also it's what people say to be polite. I suspect they won't bother. The baby only matters to you and your husband and close family. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

I don't relate to this but that doesn't mean your view isn't valid.

I think the norm for me for extended family I didn't see often was I got a congrats text when they found out and then when the baby was born it was a natural opportunity to see them. I think mainly because we love each other but also there's an element that it's sort of a polite thing to do on both sides, I guess.

But then neither I or they are high maintenance...we are just 'normal'. I know that me being pregnant is a bigger deal for me than it is for them, I know they'd quite like to see the baby, they know that I might need space and wouldn't push a visit until I was ready. This is absolutely how I think it 'should' be. The issue comes when one or both parties doesn't think like the above. Thankfully that isn't my experience.

But, gently, they don’t want to see your baby. Babies are really, really boring. They’re being nice. They are literally doing the thing you want, so stop being such a weirdo.

Isn’t it a nice thing that people want to meet your baby? And don’t you want to show your baby off?
I don’t think it’s necessary to make a drama out of this.
Ive found that usually the baby’s grandparents and aunts and uncles come to see the baby within the first couple of days, but no one else really cares whether they see the baby straight away or after a few weeks or months.
Meeting the baby is not a reward or punishment , don’t weaponise them.

If they’re your friends, why wouldn’t you want to see them? Your baby isn’t a prize FFS, if you haven’t reached out to them in the whole time you’ve been pregnant, why do you expect them to reach out to you? Although they obviously have reached out to you or you wouldn’t be moaning that they want to see your baby once it’s born. They probably don’t even care about meeting it, they just say it to be nice.

I think your expectations are off the scale. Do you spend a lot of time online?

My pregnancies and those of my friends passed in exactly the same way as a “normal” 9 months. We saw family/ friends for lunch, dinner, weekends but at the same level as pre-pregnancy. I would have found it downright odd if distant relatives had started contacting me more frequently just because I was pregnant.

That said of course close friends/ family congratulated me after the birth and got invites to come and visit, I think after the first week apart from mum etc who came sooner. And if more distant friends or family had been in my area they would also have been invited to visit after the first week or so. I just don’t see how weaponising a baby helps anyone really.