To think if you’ve not bothered with the couple in pregnancy, you shouldn’t expect to the see the baby in the first couple of weeks?

[FlyingSoap]

Before I got pregnant I really thought people were precious saying this and thought, the whole world doesn’t revolve around you just because you’re pregnant. I feel naive now for ever thinking that way, because I get it.

Those who say ‘I can’t wait for cuddles, I’m going to be first in the queue,’ but other than saying stuff like that just don’t bother to ask you how you are at all in pregnancy… ugh.

AIBU to think anyone who doesn’t reach out in pregnancy, at least once or twice, shouldn’t expect to meet a new baby if they’re not that interested in the lives of his or her parents?

Oh god YABU. Your baby is a person I their own right, not a toy you only share with your weeealy weeealy best friends.

If family take an interest in the baby, that’s lovely- she/ he is a new member of their family.

The point isn't really whether they, or the OP reaches out.
The point is. If the OP doesn't really have relationship with them - why do they feel entitled to visit her home solely to see her baby?

Are you genuinely saying that you'd be happy, postpartum to entertain a stream of visitors you haven't spoken to in years?

Having a little one has made us see lots more of extended family though so maybe look at it as a way of seeing more of them?!

I agree OP. My friend had a baby recently and my mum informed me she would like to visit them on a date that was less than two weeks after she gave birth. My mum hasn’t interacted with this friend whatsoever in the years since uni, just felt really weird like she just wanted to cuddle the newborn! I just avoided her question to keep my friend from the hassle!

In my culture there'd be lots of visits. However, there's a lot of respect for the mother, and understanding of how hard a newborn baby is.
For one, there are usually relatives around to help with the baby. The new mum should be focusing on resting for a month at least. And visitors are also expected to be helpful!

I'm so shocked at how women in the UK are just sent home to look after a baby. Alone, while their husband is at work.
If I was looking after a new born alone all day the last thing I'd want to do is be sociable and look halfway human for people who are essentially strangers.

I don't understand how people pick and choose the bits of 'family' that they like, you're close as an extended family or you're not. All this 'well no we don't speak but must meet the new family member' is mind-boggling... for what purpose..? If they were really family you'd speak regularly.

A newborn literally thinks they and their mother are the same person, they’re not going to care that Great Aunt Margret has come to visit after all this time. Those first couple of weeks are wholly about what the new mum feels comfortable with, that is basic nature which overrides social expectations.

I know the baby isn’t going to care, and mums welfare is of course the priority in the newborn phase. If OP was like “I’m exhausted and not up to it”, or “I don’t feel comfortable enough with this person at this vulnerable time” then fair enough. baby’s wellbeing is dependent on mums wellbeing. etc.

But this isn’t the Aibu.

The Aibu seems to be that OP doesn’t understand that others might have a legitimate interest in the baby - their new family member - that is separate to their relationship with her. To me that is a red flag in terms of future family relationships and parenting.

If you don’t want to see them then don’t bother, but keeping score is weird.

Other people’s feelings and wants are of little importance with a newborn though. You admit that the baby doesn’t care and the welfare of the mum is important. So who will a tired, possibly overwhelmed, getting to grips with feeding and nappies and a whole new routine want to see? Her (and I quote your highly mature response) ‘weealy weealy’ good friends who have remembered her as an individual and as a woman who’s going through the biggest physical event of her life, or random non immediate family member who thinks they’re owed little baby cuddles because ‘it’s what people do when you have a new baby’?

You want to show interest in a new baby, you start with the mum. Otherwise you have no business expecting to see said baby in the first few weeks, it’s really that simple.

This!
I absolutely loved that my dd's birth prompted visits from so many friends and family - including those who hadn't "reached out" during my pregnancy.
Why do people see meeting a baby as some sort of prize? My dd loves knowing who made the effort to come and meet her and welcome her to the family. Why would you consider barring your baby's relatives from visiting. By all means set your rules regarding the visits, but to imply they don't deserve to visit is odd.

Yep . Precious first born .

I think your OP is clear! And YANBU. I am bemused by people thinking otherwise.

Not going months and months without speaking then expecting to turn up when we’re fresh out of hospital

This is normal for extended family members. I can't see what on earth is the issue? You could always reach out to them if you want, but it seems you're not that close.

Also, it's nice to have people show an interest in your child. Why do they need to feign interest in the pregnancy- would seem pretty disingenuous, no?

You can put boundaries if you don't want distant relatives being there first, but other than that total non-issue.

Thats quite strange, obviously my family listened to me moan about how awful I felt but I wouldn’t be thinking of it as an exchange. Pay attention to me and you get to see my baby, I didn’t assume that people were that interested in my baby either tbh. Loads of people have babies all the time, mine was important to me, DH and our immediate family but I doubt my extended family were that interested. A lot of the time if you aren’t that close to the parent it’s a duty call, go see the baby, take present and then see them at the annual family get together or the next wedding etc.

How often do you 'reach out' to extended family members?

If you don't want them to meet your PFB within the first few weeks, that's fine.

But don't be moaning if they lose interest.

it was just me and Dh when I had our DD, I was so grateful that people came to visit us as our families weren’t there. You should be open to any bit of love or interest your child receives.

Going to see a newborn is not a treat. You do it to be nice to the new parents. You wouldn't want to go and see a random baby. Your baby is not something you can successfully annoy people with by withholding them. If you act all high and mighty and not 'let' people see your baby they will just carry on with their lives and in a few years time you'll be on here complaining that nobody bothers with your child. If someone comes to visit you (it is not your baby they are visiting) just be nice and if you don't like whoever it is don't be in but don't use your baby to try to get to people. One baby is the same as the next to other people. They are only interested in your baby as they are interested in you.

You’re speaking from a totally different world from mine. I will politely express an interest in meeting the baby but wouldn’t view it as the reward that it clearly is in your mind 😂

Honestly, OP, people don't care that much of visiting newborns. They just do it because it's the nice thing to do. Visiting your baby is their way of connecting with you. Haven't you got family that you only see at weddings, funerals or christenings? Visiting a newborn falls in the same category.

Came to say exactly this!

100% this.

I loved all the visitors and I don't get the weird gatekeeping megalomania some people get about "meeting the baby". If you don't want people that's fine but I don't think they will care about it as much as you think they will.

It goes both ways. Being pregnant doesn't make you unable to make contact first.

Again you are missing the point.

Exactly this

Well no if they hadn’t been in touch for over 9 months I wouldn’t be putting myself out to let them visit in the early weeks. Just say we will let you know when we are having visitors, and then don’t bother