DH to work away from when baby is 4 months d

[Greenandblue1988]

We're expecting our first baby. DH has just been offered the opportunity to work in a different location - 1.5 hr flight away (we are not in the UK and distance is not driveable). He'd get a swanky apartment, expenses and would be great for his career. He's been working for this for years. Job would start when baby is 4-5 months old, for 12 months.

Money wise - we would not be better off, probably a bit worse. The flights to see each other would be incredibly expensive and the travel allowance he gets would not begin to cover frequent flights.

Support wise, I'd be fine - my mum and dad could come over for a few months (and they'd love it and!) and I'll have a nanny (I have to go back to work at 16 weeks, that's all I get in terms of mat leave).

In theory, it's great for him and I'm happy for him. But AIBU to resent him massively? He'd be living a bachelor life while I have to go back to work, while still breastfeeding and pumping, dealing with all dr appointments, and general stuff that comes with being a parent.

I already struggle with how much my life has changed. My pregnancy has been shit - lots of complications, severe sickness for 16 weeks, then PGP from week 18. I am in agony most days. I am the main breadwinner as well which has made it more difficult as I have to struggle and not take any sick days because my income is very important. I was working 10 hour days while throwing up constantly, hiding dr appointments from my boss, working weekends to make up for being a slow shit employee because of how shit I have felt.

Also, the plan was that even though I work longer hours, he gets to be home by 3.30 and take the load off and do more at home.

I don't know. He won't go if I say no but he'll resent me. And I'll resent him if he goes.

I'd say fine if he wants to go but he better not complain about missing out on the baby years because you needed him and he opted out.

Is it definitely just for 12 months? What then?

Would he be home every weekend?

@GabriellaMontez come back to a promotion. Financially, it's not a lot more. Career wise, it's great.

@notanotherrokabag realistically, once a month for a weekend.

Like you say, he'll resent you if you tell him to stay.

I would ask him to make the choice himself, on the proviso that he acknowledged the consequences this decision could have.

I'd be pretty pissed off that he wants to miss so much of his baby's life, and would judge him as a dad. Unless there's a massive drip feed that you live in the middle of nowhere so he can't progress in his career without going a long way away, why does he have to do this? Would it likely extend past a year?

That sounds really tough.

There would have to be a lot of very clear gain in order for that to work for us. I couldn’t imagine missing most of my child’s first year without incredible incentive (and not just a few ££ extra, I’d mean retire several years earlier / life changing money level of incentive)

Is there any other way to get this promotion? Or is this a location you could go to as well and work remotely?

I wouldn't be happy. It's not moneywise and you are left as a single mum. But why?

Does he actually want to do it OP? I would be more concerned that he is happy to miss so much of your baby's first year! My DH was working internationally when our first DC was born, he quit in the first month as he didn't want to leave for such long periods of time.

Does he actually need to do this?

As you’re the main breadwinner, surely your ability to do your job is paramount, and he needs to be at home for baby to allow you to do it.

Sounds like you guys as a family can’t afford for him to do this tbh, what with the cost of flights etc.

I would have no problem telling my DH that I didn't want him to do this. When you decide to start a family it comes with sacrifices and this is one of those sacrifices.

Yes, he might be resentful but he shouldn't feel that way towards you - he should understand that he is a father now and has other priorities.

To come at this from a different angle, objectively it is better for your child for him to be away when he/she is too young to remember.

It is, however, shit for you as the months/first 2 years can be a real slog both mentally and physically.

Very different circumstances but I had a similar position when DD was very young - DH (military at the time) was posted to Afghanistan for 6 months when she was 10 weeks old. It was pretty brutal, I had no local family support and am pretty sure with hindsight that I had PND.

That being said, you might wonder how you will cope but the truth is that you will because you have to. Friends with similar aged babies said to me at the time “I don’t know how you cope”, but the simple matter is that I had no choice!

Sometimes you have to focus on the bigger picture and what this time will mean for your future. If it will improve things then I’d be inclined to suck it up.

It would be great for his career. That's the only reason. Yes, he can promote in other ways, but it would take years longer and his career took a hit with covid. This was meant to happen sooner, there were all sorts of delays and in the meantime I got pregnant (I'm 35 so we didn't want to delay TTC).

It's not the end of the world if he doesn't go. He really is a good man and a good DH. He more than pulls his weight at home and he has always been very supportive of my career.

It would be a shame for him to miss out on the baby for so long. Also it's going to be really tough for you. But not impossible.
I would strongly advise you not to go back to work until the end of his 12 months away if you can

I tend to think that women's careers often take a hit when they have a child and there's no reason why a man's shouldn't have to take a hit either especially if they are not the higher earner.

@rwa818 that's not possible, by law I only get 12 weeks unpaid mat leave. My employer offers 16 weeks paid. If I want more "mat leave", I have to quit. We would have to sell the house instantly as we can't make the mortgage payments for this house without my salary for more than 6 months.

Oh I missed that you're the main breadwinner. Definitely not in that case.

Probably if I had a breezier pregnancy, I'd feel differently.

I was fit and healthy before and this has taken a massive toll on me. Juggling work and being so unwell has finished me. I don't even know how I will make it to the birth, I have 2.5 months to go.

Mentally I'm not prepared to do this alone right now. Maybe I will be by then but we have to decide in the next few weeks and I am a broken woman today.

He's generally a very very good husband. He won't fight me if I say it's too much. I'm worried I am not rational right now and want some outside views.

I would be furious that he was even contemplating the offer. We were not pregnant yet thankfully, but that my XH considered taking a job that would have had him live away from me and our infant was one of the final nails in the coffin for our marriage. I just didn’t want to be with a man who didn’t want a close relationship with his child.

there are a few jobs that justify separation. They are jobs like serving in the military or being a foreign aid worker. Career advancement isn’t a good reason to miss a year of your child’s life.

It's judgy I know but I think it's pretty awful that he is prepared to only see his baby once a month for an entire year.

I would say no. If you were a stay at home parent, it would be different. You are the main breadwinner, his job is supporting you.

When he’s 1.5 hours away? My DH was 4 hours away from when DD was a month old. He went Sunday night and came back late Friday every week.