DH to work away from when baby is 4 months d

[Greenandblue1988]

We're expecting our first baby. DH has just been offered the opportunity to work in a different location - 1.5 hr flight away (we are not in the UK and distance is not driveable). He'd get a swanky apartment, expenses and would be great for his career. He's been working for this for years. Job would start when baby is 4-5 months old, for 12 months.

Money wise - we would not be better off, probably a bit worse. The flights to see each other would be incredibly expensive and the travel allowance he gets would not begin to cover frequent flights.

Support wise, I'd be fine - my mum and dad could come over for a few months (and they'd love it and!) and I'll have a nanny (I have to go back to work at 16 weeks, that's all I get in terms of mat leave).

In theory, it's great for him and I'm happy for him. But AIBU to resent him massively? He'd be living a bachelor life while I have to go back to work, while still breastfeeding and pumping, dealing with all dr appointments, and general stuff that comes with being a parent.

I already struggle with how much my life has changed. My pregnancy has been shit - lots of complications, severe sickness for 16 weeks, then PGP from week 18. I am in agony most days. I am the main breadwinner as well which has made it more difficult as I have to struggle and not take any sick days because my income is very important. I was working 10 hour days while throwing up constantly, hiding dr appointments from my boss, working weekends to make up for being a slow shit employee because of how shit I have felt.

Also, the plan was that even though I work longer hours, he gets to be home by 3.30 and take the load off and do more at home.

I don't know. He won't go if I say no but he'll resent me. And I'll resent him if he goes.

On the mat leave length....I'm originally from the UK so I find the 16 weeks daunting tbh. My SIL in the UK took 12 months and I would have loved the same (she didn't help tbh, her reaction when I told her I'm going back to work at 4 months was to say it's child cruelty and it's outrageous made feel extra shit). But there's nothing I can do about it, I have to just cope.

Even with a nanny and supportive parents?

Your SIL is a twat. Ignore her! (I also have a twat sister and a twat SIL so I totally get it!!)

It is not child cruelty, not one bit! I went back to work when my children were 5, 7 and 10 months old, and I had to get signed off sick to be able to be off that long. My youngest is 20, so it's not that long ago. It's not ideal but from your point of view far more than the baby's! The baby won't mind who cares for them, and they will always know that you are their mum and dad!

Your husband is a keeper! good on him for putting you and your baby first.

I know women who had to go back to work when their babies were just 6 weeks old. It didn't ruin their relationship one bit.

Oh, I’m so glad. Nice to see a happy ending to this story.

I personally wouldn't want it... can you go with him for the duration of your maternity leave (assuming you work)?

Ignore me, I didn't read enough 😂

Sorry, normally I read all OP posts, didn't this time, blame 3am brain! Glad it's resolved

Sorry, normally I read all OP posts, didn't this time, blame 3am brain! Glad it's resolved

If he took the job, that would end the marriage for me. Glad he’s made the right decision for you all OP :)

I would ask him not to go. He will miss baby's first year.its so important I would be surprised he wants to tbh.

Echo others saying your "D"Sis is a twat. I had to go back when DC1 was 13 weeks and it was hard but with support it's doable. It doesn't make you any less of a mum, in fact it makes you more of a mum because you're not leaving it to anyone else to support your family. Good for her that she had options, we don't all have that luxury and shouldn't rub other women's noses in it if we do, it doesn't make us superior. Great idea to take a couple of days leave, be kind to yourself and I wish you an easier time of it until baby gets here .

Even with a thousand staff.

Glad it's sorted OP.

You are conflating parental leave with maternity leave. If you look at the statutory maternity, Canada looks a lot less generous.

@Greenandblue1988 glad you have reached an agreement.

As someone who was both the traveler and the higher earner I think you are making the right decision. I also went back to work early (due to being the higher earner) and its really tough even if you have help.

I would also say that a fixed stint of 1-2 months is very different from continuous absence for 12 months with a child. In many companies a 1.5 hr flight distance would trigger weekly fly backs.

I also took a short term hit on career as I wanted to reduce the travel and have more control over my hours. Ironically the changes I made then actually stood me in good stead to progress further a few years down the line. We have long careers, turning down one opportunity doesn't mean there will be none in the future.

As you're not totally against the idea and feel you have good support around you, I think this is worth a try. You've talked about quite a few positives and some negatives, so you sre looking at it in a very balanced way. If, after 6 months, it's not working out, will he be able to return to his old job? Will his boss be understanding?
A year goes so quick and it sounds like it will have some challenges, but be very do-able for you as a family.
My feeling is go for it. In the long term, the money will come, if this is career progression for him.

I feel the same way.

I had DC with my husband, not a nanny or Grandparents.

I'm going to go against the flow, with caveats.

I found being a new mum quite easy at the same age as you, I also had loads of support and actually found maternity leave unbearable. My baby was very easy and slept loads, going back to work would have been good for me looking back.

My DH worked away a lot and because that was known, it was acceptable. Sudden trips were more hassle than blocks of absence. The risk is trying to create a Disney homecoming when everyone needs to adjust to re entry. Less easy with a teether or non sleeper.

The other thing is the amount of on hand support you have, reading a lot of the posts here that's often the challenge with a new born.

Lastly, I'm very much an eyes on the prize person. If the 12 months will lead to significant uplifts, especially if you could then reduce hours when the baby is older and in my own experience more the time I'd want I'd do it.

Oops, I see it's all sorted. Hope you can get some much needed down time next week.

If he works shorter hours than you, why doesn't he take the baby with him and organise a nanny in the new location?

This. Would a woman ever consider making this choice? No. But he’s just the dad, so it’s ok?

I’d be surprised if he feels comfortable with this arrangement once the baby is here and he realises how much he’ll miss them.

DH worked away when DD was tiny. I’ve worked away since she was 10. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It only feels early these days due to the fact ML has been increased so much on THE UK. Used to be 16 weeks when I had DD1 so usual for people to be back at work by then

My brother was deployed abroad during his first daughter's first year of life and he HATED it - it was what made him change jobs (he was extremely well paid working abroad), because he loathed missing so much of her life and development.

He's been a very hands-on Dad ever since, with both girls (they're now both at university). He would tell the OP's husband NOT to do it - the loss is greatee than any career gain.

I'm really pleased to hear this, OP. You would both lose out but he wouldn've really regretted it, I think.

My ex husband worked away from when ds was about 3 months old. An hours flight away. He flew Monday morning, back Thursday night or Friday morning and worked Fridays from home.

He had been doing that on an off for years prior to ds though.

It was okay, but I was a SAHM. It would have been much harder if I worked too. He did that for years, only stopped about 5 years ago (we split up 15 years ago, not because he worked away, that had nothing to do with it).

He was a VERY hands on dad when he was home and still was after we split.

Other people thought it was horrendous though.