DH to work away from when baby is 4 months d

[Greenandblue1988]

We're expecting our first baby. DH has just been offered the opportunity to work in a different location - 1.5 hr flight away (we are not in the UK and distance is not driveable). He'd get a swanky apartment, expenses and would be great for his career. He's been working for this for years. Job would start when baby is 4-5 months old, for 12 months.

Money wise - we would not be better off, probably a bit worse. The flights to see each other would be incredibly expensive and the travel allowance he gets would not begin to cover frequent flights.

Support wise, I'd be fine - my mum and dad could come over for a few months (and they'd love it and!) and I'll have a nanny (I have to go back to work at 16 weeks, that's all I get in terms of mat leave).

In theory, it's great for him and I'm happy for him. But AIBU to resent him massively? He'd be living a bachelor life while I have to go back to work, while still breastfeeding and pumping, dealing with all dr appointments, and general stuff that comes with being a parent.

I already struggle with how much my life has changed. My pregnancy has been shit - lots of complications, severe sickness for 16 weeks, then PGP from week 18. I am in agony most days. I am the main breadwinner as well which has made it more difficult as I have to struggle and not take any sick days because my income is very important. I was working 10 hour days while throwing up constantly, hiding dr appointments from my boss, working weekends to make up for being a slow shit employee because of how shit I have felt.

Also, the plan was that even though I work longer hours, he gets to be home by 3.30 and take the load off and do more at home.

I don't know. He won't go if I say no but he'll resent me. And I'll resent him if he goes.

Just because you went back early, doesn't mean it's not early.

Op has no idea what new baby will bring. She could be fine. Equally she could be in the midst of postpartum depression.

@SquishyGloopyBum OP is not in the UK, she’s already said that 16 weeks is the maximum she can take according to company policy. Any longer and she’d lose her job.

It just sounds like an awful idea. He'd be missing a huge chunk of his child's early life for a job. Sure, it's a great opportunity, but on your deathbed I know what most people would regret more...

My DH misses our DD just during the day at work. It would just be too hard, for most normal people.

On your deathbed, I doubt you will even remember the half of it.

I appreciate that. But relatively speaking, it is early. Most countries give longer mat leave I think.

It was 18 weeks when I had my eldest two in the UK, and while I am fairly ancient, it's actually not all that long ago.

Since you're the breadwinner and this work stent 1.5 away isn't really going to bring more income, why doesn't he cut back to part-time, 4 days per week, and take on more the child care and house while supporting you so you can excel in your career?

If you will be able to equalise the financial situation between you longer term, it may give you more leeway around your own work. So it's a difficult decision.

a baby puts huge pressure on a relationship. Long distance relationships aren’t easy either. Together this is a recipe for disaster. Few relationships would survive this.

He's torn between a job that comes with no pay rise, only the dangling of a carrot if the possibly of promotion, but being a complete stranger to his first child or being a dad.

Got to say, he sounds like a shitty dad to even consider this. And not a very good husband as well. Seems like the only thing he is thinking about is himself.

Catch a grip, you don't even know what the man thinks about this offer, and you're already condemning him. Give the guy a chance!

As a mother who did solo parenting every week mon-fri for 4 years (2kids) I still think in this case he shouldn't go.
-you are the main breadwinner (i was too but that work my OH did away from home build up to him being the higher earner and now I work part time with 3 kids)

• your maternity leave is quite short and you might be very tired when you return to work

• he won't be back every weekend.... its a lot to miss. The baby will be more used to you, so even when he comes back for good you will be the main caregiver. My OH managed to come home most weekends and although tough, at least we got some sort of routine going.
• he won't be around enough to get familiar with routines, taking care of baby, taking baby to appointments etc. This sets up a difficult situation where the home parent is the one with all the knowledge and relationships for everything to do with the home and family and end up as default parent and family and house CEO/managed (on top of being main breadwinner in your case).

I'm very independent but I would say no to this.

This isn't the best timing for this opportunity to come up. If he wants to do it then could you let your house out for a year so you could live together in the flat? It would mean resigning from your job to facilitate this move though.

Would your employer allow you to take a one year sabattical of unpaid leave. This way you get to keep your job when you return a year later.

No way. No fucking way.

Before the baby I would've been upset enough at him not wanting to be here with the baby.

Once in the, frankly, hell that was our first year it would have killed our marriage if he'd found it in him to walk away and leave me alone with a non sleeping, screaming baby. No fucking way.

DH worked in the US for two years pre DC. It was hard but well worth it for his career and it has panned out as we hoped. We wouldn't even consider a few months now they're here.

Absolutely not. It would be my hill to die on and I'd resent him if he went.

Honestly?

I think that when having a child, taking a hit to your career is something that you should be prepared for. HE should be prepared for.

I think he should decline.

The UK has one of the longest maternity leave policies globally. 16 weeks is long on a global level. Most countries do not give more.

https://worldpopulationreview.com/country-rankings/maternity-leave-by-country

It would be a no from me. He was part of th decision to have a baby, that decision includes not opting out of baby’s life from 4 to 16 months!! And you’re the breadwinner. If I were the sole parent and the breadwinner because my Dh decided to work away I’d be furious.
Think about it - if an equivalent opportunity came up for you op would you consider it for even a nanosecond? I’m betting not. Because you have a little baby and it’s the wrong timing, you can’t opt out of your baby.

but, i don’t understand why 12 weeks paid and 16 weeks unpaid isn’t 28 weeks, isn’t that how most people do it?

Good opportunity, wrong time.

Time with baby and to support you is a million times more important than his career at this stage - think the notion of him going away for 12 months is bonkers

During WWII, my grandparents conceived two of my uncles while my grandfather was home on furlough. When the war was over and he came home, they were toddlers. They were crying and upset and had a very hard time adjusting to this “strange man” living in their house. As older children, they didn’t have a bad relationship with my grandfather, but he had a closer emotional bond with the younger children because he’d been there for their whole childhoods.

A father essentially missing the first year of his child’s life is a tragedy, not something something to do voluntarily.

@Codlingmoths it's not 12 weeks + 16. The law gives me 12 weeks unpaid. My employer is more generous and instead gives me 16 weeks fully paid.

Update as everyone has been very kind. It's not happening. He said he entertained it for the day in his head because he would have absolutely loved it 2 years ago when it was first suggested as a possibility. Not now, he called it "silly" and didn't feel the need to dwell on it further. He actually doesn't seem gutted at all so I jumped the gun there.

I've emailed work and have taken 2 personal days off next week. I am clearly so tired I am getting worked up over, well, everything.

We have 12 or 18 months here in Canada. You make a choice. The pay bites, but in theory you'd plan for it and top up with savings.

https://www.canada.ca/en/services/benefits/ei/ei-maternity-parental.html

Glad to know your dh put you and baby first. 🩷