DH to work away from when baby is 4 months d

[Greenandblue1988]

We're expecting our first baby. DH has just been offered the opportunity to work in a different location - 1.5 hr flight away (we are not in the UK and distance is not driveable). He'd get a swanky apartment, expenses and would be great for his career. He's been working for this for years. Job would start when baby is 4-5 months old, for 12 months.

Money wise - we would not be better off, probably a bit worse. The flights to see each other would be incredibly expensive and the travel allowance he gets would not begin to cover frequent flights.

Support wise, I'd be fine - my mum and dad could come over for a few months (and they'd love it and!) and I'll have a nanny (I have to go back to work at 16 weeks, that's all I get in terms of mat leave).

In theory, it's great for him and I'm happy for him. But AIBU to resent him massively? He'd be living a bachelor life while I have to go back to work, while still breastfeeding and pumping, dealing with all dr appointments, and general stuff that comes with being a parent.

I already struggle with how much my life has changed. My pregnancy has been shit - lots of complications, severe sickness for 16 weeks, then PGP from week 18. I am in agony most days. I am the main breadwinner as well which has made it more difficult as I have to struggle and not take any sick days because my income is very important. I was working 10 hour days while throwing up constantly, hiding dr appointments from my boss, working weekends to make up for being a slow shit employee because of how shit I have felt.

Also, the plan was that even though I work longer hours, he gets to be home by 3.30 and take the load off and do more at home.

I don't know. He won't go if I say no but he'll resent me. And I'll resent him if he goes.

I honestly think that would have been the end of my marriage if my DH announced he was moving away when he had a tiny baby, leaving me to cope alone, and only visiting once a month. We've been married for 27 years, and our kids are adults.

@PineappleBanana firstly his role will involve some travel anyway so he may be away for certain weekends. Secondly, we are not in Europe, it's not driveable. It's a 1.5 hour flight, plus an added 3 hrs of security and travel time. The cost of the flights is prohibitive as well.

All the practicalities and reality of coping aside - I would be deeply deeply hurt if my DH even considered missing out on 12 months of our child's life, our family time together.

Oh quite. Everyone needs to realise that things need to change after having a child -not just the mum. Hard no from me. You are the main breadwinner, only coming back once a month when it’s only a 3 hour round trip and it’s your 1st child.

How solid is your relationship? Is he excited about becoming a dad? How much support do you have locally? It's basically impossible to say imo as you have no idea how either of your with adjust to your new roles as parents. But I don't think I would be encouraging it.

I’d be seriously questioning my marriage if my husband suggested this tbh. What the fuck is he thinking?! So selfish.

No, honestly I think it would have been the end of my marriage if we’d gone for something like this. The first year was unbelievably hard for me (mine didn’t sleep for more than 90 mins at a time until 18m).

Different if it’s military, etc, where distant postings are mandatory. If it was Mon-Fri and back every weekend then possibly. But it sounds like he’ll get the high life there. I’d resent him too much.

Id not want him to go, and think he shouldn’t. The first year your baby is getting attached to its parents and learning everything. How will baby get to know and bond with its dad only seeing him once a month? He’d come back a stranger, not a dad.

I've done long distance work postings in our marriage and they can work. This one is lunacy. He's being promised jam tomorrow to take a serious financial and family hit today. If he could work remotely, so 2 weeks on location, 2 weeks with you, for enough extra pay that you can cover the extra flight expenses and compensate for the inconvenience, it would an reasonable. However, his company doesn't value him or this posting highly enough to compensate him for the inconvenience, so I also wouldn't expect the promotion to materialise.

Also, I think you know this is not workable. So I’ll add: it’s ok to say no. To say that he needs to make sacrifices too. This is not the last time you will have to say no, you are a team and it is totally unreasonable for you to take on everything.

But if he’s a good man and a good husband - he wouldn’t want to go.

He’d miss becoming a dad to your child, for some of the most crucial time. To start that role and to form his bond with his child. Seeing them once a month from the time they really start to develop. It’s a prospect that would be absolute torture to almost every woman and most fathers, surely?

If he wants to go surely there’s a more fundamental issue here. Potentially seeing his child 12-15 times from age 4-16 months? My god.

This sounds totally bizzare as a choice.

He opts out of being a parent and partner for a year at a critical time wirh new baby ???

Absolute no from me and I would be upset that he wanted to take it. You never get the baby years back.

I also suspect he'll feel different when the baby is actually here

Unless there was a huge uplift in salary I would not be happy with this .

Also, effectively he will be a stranger to the baby. Seen 12 times in the first year?!

And yes I’d say that and tell him that you couldn’t possibly understand why it would be acceptable to him, and that the idea of him RESENTING you for having that perfectly normal reaction is also ludicrous. I wouldn’t accept it. I just wouldn’t want that situation for a moment. If he resented me for that opinion and actually wanted to go, I wouldn’t really want him either I imagine?

Yes, quite possibly, when it’s too late.

I would think it would in itself all put the marriage under fatal strain anyway tbh.

it isn’t a normal thing to do or something that most happy couples with a first baby on the way would consider 🤷‍♀️

To clarify, he is not adamant he wants to go. He just got the call this morning and I could hear in his voice that he is torn. He was in meetings all day and has to go to a pre-booked event so he hasn't had time to process or for us to sit down and talk.

I posted here because I am honestly not feeling myself and I didn't want to go in all guns blazing. I needed outsider views. He may decide he doesn't want it so no need to bash him (yet!).

It sounds like a cop out on his side. Living in a swanky appartment. No sleepless nights.
Not there to help or support you.
The stress for you as higher earner to keep the ship afloat whilst he has a gap year.
You're hardly coping now and the baby isn't here yet.
Nope. No way.

Another one saying no. If you didn't have to work perhaps it would be different, you have parents support plus might be able to go and see him sometimes, plus the pressure would be less.

However it's very unfair that he will basically be going on a jolly leaving you with the full responsibility for the baby and the earning power.

Men often don't appreciate how hard having a baby can be so I wouldn't blame him for questioning whether it's possible but on this occasion you should be completely honest and tell him it's not a good idea. If he does this there's a reasonable chance your relationship will break down

All those saying they did it due to military postings - well military spouses don't normally have full time jobs or are the main breadwinner and also it is not a choice in that scenario. And it's undoubtedly really hard.

A year is too long.

Completely agree with this.

If you feel broken already then this is not going to be good for you.

My DH worked a 2 hour drive away When DD was a baby. He came back Wednesday evenings and was home Friday evening to Sunday mornings. Even at that, the stress I was under was too much.

We did it because it was the only way we were going to get a mortgage and become homeowners.

Your DH sounds really selfish. He is the only person that will gain from this.

Ah understandable then. Yes if put on the spot with a huge life change offer I think everyone would sound torn and uncertain!

However I would think then that the reality of what life would actually look like would make him realise that it would be awful for everyone.

However if he doesn’t, there’s no way I’d not be honest about what I thought it would do to your family. Quite probably fracture it completely.