DH to work away from when baby is 4 months d

[Greenandblue1988]

We're expecting our first baby. DH has just been offered the opportunity to work in a different location - 1.5 hr flight away (we are not in the UK and distance is not driveable). He'd get a swanky apartment, expenses and would be great for his career. He's been working for this for years. Job would start when baby is 4-5 months old, for 12 months.

Money wise - we would not be better off, probably a bit worse. The flights to see each other would be incredibly expensive and the travel allowance he gets would not begin to cover frequent flights.

Support wise, I'd be fine - my mum and dad could come over for a few months (and they'd love it and!) and I'll have a nanny (I have to go back to work at 16 weeks, that's all I get in terms of mat leave).

In theory, it's great for him and I'm happy for him. But AIBU to resent him massively? He'd be living a bachelor life while I have to go back to work, while still breastfeeding and pumping, dealing with all dr appointments, and general stuff that comes with being a parent.

I already struggle with how much my life has changed. My pregnancy has been shit - lots of complications, severe sickness for 16 weeks, then PGP from week 18. I am in agony most days. I am the main breadwinner as well which has made it more difficult as I have to struggle and not take any sick days because my income is very important. I was working 10 hour days while throwing up constantly, hiding dr appointments from my boss, working weekends to make up for being a slow shit employee because of how shit I have felt.

Also, the plan was that even though I work longer hours, he gets to be home by 3.30 and take the load off and do more at home.

I don't know. He won't go if I say no but he'll resent me. And I'll resent him if he goes.

If he was the higher earner, yeah I'd tolerate it (while not liking it for a second).

But when you're the higher earner, it would be a very firm not a chance from me. You are going to need a huge amount of support going back to work so soon after having a baby and he basically gets to opt out of the toughest part of parenting AND leave you financially worse off.

If he's on less money, what's the point???

I think you’re perfectly entitled to say no on the basis you decided to do this parenting thing together and you’d largely be alone. That said, I think when you talk to him you have to figure out if he’s really thought about how it might feel to be an absent parent, missing the most important time in terms of forming parent child relationships, missing all those key milestones etc.

Completely agree. Opting out to live a bachelor lifestyle shouldn’t be an option on the table.

This shouldn't even be up for discussion. You have absolutely no idea how hard it will be to go back to work when your baby will still be so, so little. It is absolutely fucking brutal. Until you have a baby, you can't comprehend it. Your life turns inside out.

I am hoping for your sake that he comes home and says

" Awful timing but I wouldn't leave you in the lurch like that and miss our first child's year, there will be other opportunities. "

He would be beyond selfish to consider this and ask you for approval when so many things are in the air. You don't know how things will go and they haven't been peachy already, literally anything can happen, he needs to be a husband and father for the foreseeable, work is not a priority for him now.

Could he ask to postpone, say by a year? You'd be through the worst of it by then.

Just on a practical level ... after your parents go home after their 6 month visa, how would you manage then if your job is so full on? Or would you be able to go part time? Who will take annual leave to look after baby when they get ill with the million bugs they get from nursery/childcare?

That would be a hard no from me and I travelled extensively for work on my return from mat leave.

He needs to use his position as leverage to negotiate a better deal. If they want him to go they will up the offer. If they don't he's no worse off.

Can he do two weeks on and two weeks off?
Can they fund return flights every weekend?
Can they pay him a LOT more. Not sure it will make a huge difference to you but still.
Can they guarantee promotion to X in 12 months if he completed the stint there to a measurable and reasonable standard?

16 weeks is not early to go back to work. I had to, because we could not afford for me not to. OP will have a nanny and has willing parents. If she is in the middle east, then she probably has other staff to help facilitate life as well. I actually found it easier to be back at work than stuck at home with a baby. Not everyone enjoys the baby days. I didn't expect to feel that way, but such is life.

Her husband has been working towards this for years according to the OP. Maybe for him, this is not about a financial step, so much as his career being important to him. My career is very much part of my identity. I would have been very upset if my H had tried to stop me progressing just because he was the main earner (we have flipped at various points, but he is now firmly the bigger salary).

He could go if he likes, but he wouldn't be coming back to the family home.

Sorry it's not acceptable at all.

Sometimes needs must, but this isn't one of them.

Honestly. Hand in heart. You know, you know what you want him to choose and it is his choice.

Could you not go with him and find a job there and possibly rent your house out.

I think it's unfortunate that baby is not here yet when this offer has been made. You know your life will change because it already has being pregnant, but his hasn't yet has it. But no one can convey exactly how much your life really changes one the baby arrives. Babies are like chucking a bomb into a relationship.

I guarantee you will kick yourself if you support him to do this. You will be very resentful of being a single parent by default while he pisses off for weeks at a time on the shadowy promise of a promotion. He will resent not having a bond with the baby because he only sees them 12 times in that lovely first year. He shouldn't put you in the position of making the decision either. If he's a decent man like you say he will decline.

Your pregnancy sounds like it is like mine was, sickness followed by PGP, I feel for you. My PGP got a lot better as soon as I delivered but still took quite a while to go altogether (years....).

I don’t think there’s enough information here for anyone else to make a sound determination as to what the two of you should do in this situation.

I think you might find it helpful to look at this not as a binary right thing/wrong thing situation, but as something for you to just work through together as a couple. If you’re both prepared to talk it through now and can remain open to flexing on your decision in future (very rare anything is set in stone) then I’m sure you’ll find the right way through it for you. If you predetermine what’s going to be possible/best and bring a lot of baggage into it (eg. He wants to take the job means he doesn’t care about me and the baby etc etc) then it’ll be very hard to see the wood for the trees and you will get a net outcome of resentment whatever you decide.

You also haven’t said if there’s any potential for your job to flex - could you work remotely for instance and go with him? Could you do this every other month? Could he? It’s hard work and expensive for companies to hire, so you might find they would want to find a way to keep you if it’s for a finite time.

Questions I’d be asking myself and him are: is the place he is being asked to go somewhere he/you might want or be able to live longer term? Would it be possible for you to work remotely/get a job that did allow this/get a job in the new location? If so could you rent out your house and give it a try? If you want to free up money to be able to see each other more than once a month then is it worth renting out your house and living in a smaller apartment just for a year? What will your plan be if he/you go for it and then actually hate the arrangement - would he be out of a job? I would also ask myself whether you want to be the breadwinner forever? If your maternity provision isn’t great you might find that (if you’re planning on a second) it is of considerable value for him to have increased his earnings by then to give you more flexibility in your work/home balance in future.

What could you both negotiate In your roles that might make this more workable (additional leave? A set number of flights home? Accommodation with space for you all? Etc)

It might be that he is thrilled to be asked but feels it’s not the right time, maybe you’ll find a way to try and make it work but it won’t and you’ll have to change your minds once you’re in it, maybe it will work.

Try and stay open to the possible benefits as well as the downsides. Having a baby is really hard work, dealing with everything solo is really hard work, but the only way to decide together is to talk it through (hopes/fears/positives/negatives/contingency plans etc) and try to find a solution that works for you as a couple. What someone else might be happy with isn’t going to be a better guide than that.

I feel doing this would have ended my relationship. It's so hard having a baby, especially if you're also working full time. If he's just chilling and you're doing everything I think it would be impossible for resentment not to set in.

I don't know - I think I am coming at this from a slightly different angle. Will this facilitate him becoming a much higher earner in the medium to long-term? Can he negotiate with his employer for him to spend more time at home, or for you to be able to travel to him?

Personally I think with a nanny you have a massive, massive advantage that few parents are in the position to have, plus excellent parental support. Your DH might be living in a bachelor pad, but he would be the one missing out on so much of your baby's early months.

I know it's not the same but my DH had to work away from home for 2 days/2 nights a week when my second child was a newborn, and my elder one was not quite two when it started. I neither had a nanny nor parental help close at hand (or any help tbh!), had a FT job, was breastfeeding too and I just had to manage!

Maybe look at it as to how much it will hold your DH back if he doesn't take this opportunity? It's not great but at least he could see you and the baby via Facetime daily but he'd be hugely missing out on squishy baby cuddles!

Baby might 'make strange' with him at some point, but would be too young to remember that dad wasn't there.

On the other hand, your DH might be very bonded with the baby in the first 4/5 months, and not want to go.

Forces families for example have to do this and many parents do it with much less practical support.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and make a list of pros and cons. Also points for negotiation with his employer. You need to be united on this, with you not resenting him if he goes, and him not resenting you if he doesn't.

You may have had a difficult pregnancy but things may be very different for you once baby is born. Wishing you an easy baby!

It's hard but having a nanny will be such a support!

Not RTFT so may have been mentioned/not do-able if the country isn’t safe, but would you not fancy going with him once baby has a passport and spend your mat leave abroad with him?

He'll have the first 4/5 months to develop a bond though. The OP will have a nanny and her parents so she won't be doing it solo?

It would be crappy of him to actually do this op. One weekend a month with his own child?! Ridiculous and you never get the time back. He needs to be there for his family now.

I clicked on this thread thinking it would be about a week long one off work trip and was ready to give advice but this is madness to me.

No decent man would want to be that far away from his baby.

The OP's mat leave will be over by then.

You say that you never get the time back - my children are all adults in their 20s and I don't even remember the half of it! I recall when they got their first tooth or when they first walked, but most of the rest of it is a haze!

and him not resenting you if he doesn't.

If he would actually resent his wife over her not wanting him to essentially abandon her and their baby for more than a year, good riddance to him.

I would like this to end well ...