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AIBU?

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Original poster

My (22F) fiancé (22M) has been lying to me for 5 months about his uni essays, AIBU to feel hurt?

278 replies

feathertv · 17/05/2024 09:57

My (22F) fiancé (22M) has been lying to me for 5 months about his uni essays, AIBU to feel hurt?

My fiancé’s dissertation is due next week, along side 2 other large essays. We have been together since a young age before GCSEs and I have supported him through GCSEs, Alevels and now his degree. He struggles with being under academic pressure and never seems to start essays until they need doing, in 2nd year he handed in multiple essays that did not reflect his full effort just because he was overwhelmed with them. I don’t mind what grade he gets tbh I don’t think he will use his degree. But at the start of January I wanted to be supportive with his dissertation and so have asked him every week what can I do to support you, how is it going have you gotten a good amount of words down this week? Especially as the dissertation is such a large amount of words I knew he couldn’t pull it out of the bag last minute. He has gone to the local library every single day since January sitting there for 9 hours at a time. He usually takes on the cooking/washing up/laundry etc because my degree is more demanding (I have placements alongside my studies) so I’ve really made an effort to take some of the weight off of him, even though it’s left me struggling myself as I am also in my final year of university on my final placement(working 40 hrs a week with a 1 hr commute twice a day) whilst studying at the same time. Basically I am exhausted and ready to finish my degree but i wanted him to have no pressure on him during the last couple of months. I asked him this week if I could read through his essays and dissertation and he would not let me look at them. I thought it was weird but I had been on nights so I was too tired to investigate further. Yesterday I decided to question further as he still would not send me them so I asked what was going on. I reassured him that I just wanted to help like he does with mine but he kind of broke down went for a walk and sent me a huge message about how sorry he is and that he has been lying for months about the progress of his essays, I knew I didn’t have time to be mad I needed to be supportive so that he can try and get something written by next week otherwise he really would not cooperate, I applied for an extension for him and he now has to write 16,000 words in a week because he wrote literally zero words the whole 5 months.
I drove him home from university so that me and his parents can support him for the next week . He was also supposed to start a new job next week so I drafted an email for his boss.
It was only last night that I was thinking before bed how hurt I actually am, the constant lies about how much progress he’d made each week, asking me to wash up because he’s been at the library all day even though I’m exhausted from placement. He even copied and pasted 5000 random words off the internet into a doc that said dissertation because he knew I would ask to see a word count .
I honestly feel distraught that he felt he had to lie when I’ve been nothing but supportive of his academics.
We are supposed to be getting married next year but I fear that if he can relentlessly lie like this for 5 months what else can he lie about.
Do I have a right to feel upset? Am I going to be able to get over the complete lack of trust? AIBU to feel so hurt by this ?

OP posts:
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5
TheCultureHusks · 17/05/2024 18:40

This is madness. You’re 22!

You aren’t planning to get married next year. You’re planning to formalise the adoption of your manchild and make your position as Mummy permanent. Honestly, dump him. Or if you can’t quite do that yet for goodness sake leave him to his total immaturity and just get out there, meet new people, have fun, be a normal 22 year old. You should have moved on from this weird teen-relationship YEARS ago.

RacketsAndRounders · 17/05/2024 18:55

Mate, you're 22, young, ambitious, good head in your shoulders, hard working, doing your degree and trying to support and manage someone who is less invested in his own future than you are.

Dump him. Go have fun. Or you're gonna be married with a baby, eventually seperate when you realise he can't cope with "babysitting" his own child and working yourself into the ground.

Choose a better life. This relationship needs to come to a close before you get dragged down.

RacketsAndRounders · 17/05/2024 18:56

and if yu won't dump him now, sit back and let him fail and see how sexy he is then. You are too young to waste your life.

MILLYmo0se · 17/05/2024 18:57

Some of us can't do anything until the last minute, all of my uni essays were started the night before they were due and I started my dissertation on Sunday and handed it in ten minutes before the deadline on Weds. I dont know why, as I've gotten older I do wonder more about ADHD, it's like I talk myself out of starting because I can't get it perfect so I just keep putting it off. Having someone like you around would have driven me to the brink tbh, I could nt even meet my tutor for scheduled meetings about my dissertation, the very idea panicked me completely.
He may fail the year but that's not the end of the world, you have to let him manage himself

Carouselfish · 17/05/2024 19:00

You cannot be his mother figure, nagging him into adult responsibility. It is up to him to get self-motivated and to make his life what he wants it to be, not to be pushed into making it what you want for him. I'm sure it comes from a place of love but it will be stifling. Take him as he is, ask him what he wants to do and say you'll support him in that (as long as you're happy to) but support doesn't mean directing. It means being there when he seeks your support. You need to sort out this power balance before considering marriage or it will end with you not respecting him due to his dependency and him resenting being beholden to you. You'll feel bad that you're tied to someone so useless and he'll feel bad that he can't do anything for himself.

TheFraud · 17/05/2024 19:01

You’re basically this guy’s Mum.

Dump him and resolve to only date grown ups from now on.

YouHaveAnArse · 17/05/2024 19:14

You're 22, you don't need this shit. He's 22, and he doesn't need this shit either.

You have the rest of your life to get married. You need to live your own life first, and so does he.

YouHaveAnArse · 17/05/2024 19:15

(I also don't know why we're doing the '22F' thing on here these days, but..)

justasking111 · 17/05/2024 19:27

Onand · 17/05/2024 10:09

You’re 22, do not make the mistake of marrying someone so early on in your life- you will regret it and feel like a fool when his lies get worse, I’m sure you love him deeply but he’s deceived you. Go out and see the world and meet lots of new interesting people, see this as natures way of helping you avoid a disaster.

This!!!

You can't keep carrying this child forever, you haven't let him fail, which he should have done at the beginning. He'll resent you, you'll resent him

My son and his partner are your age post university but both work very hard. Son is going back to do his masters which is something they've both agreed on.

G5000 · 17/05/2024 19:27

I would tell DH to fuck off to the far side of fuck, if he started asking me if I've done my homework. Or emailing my manager, what the hell?

stormonaspringmorn · 17/05/2024 20:15

YouHaveAnArse · 17/05/2024 19:15

(I also don't know why we're doing the '22F' thing on here these days, but..)

I think it's the younguns coming on over from Reddit n suchlike

dontcrowdthemushrooms · 17/05/2024 20:41

Run. Run screaming.

Randomthought · 17/05/2024 20:45

Well you’re right to be angry but right now probably is not the time. He can write 15,000 words in a week. Probably not the best but certainly doable.

If you had to ask for an extension sounds like he never planned on doing it though. I would leave him to it and if he doesn’t then it’s over for me.

WhySoManySocks · 17/05/2024 20:47

Do not let him use ADHD as an excuse.

Lostinbrum · 17/05/2024 20:55

MILLYmo0se · 17/05/2024 18:57

Some of us can't do anything until the last minute, all of my uni essays were started the night before they were due and I started my dissertation on Sunday and handed it in ten minutes before the deadline on Weds. I dont know why, as I've gotten older I do wonder more about ADHD, it's like I talk myself out of starting because I can't get it perfect so I just keep putting it off. Having someone like you around would have driven me to the brink tbh, I could nt even meet my tutor for scheduled meetings about my dissertation, the very idea panicked me completely.
He may fail the year but that's not the end of the world, you have to let him manage himself

This is me aswell I had to ask for an extension on my dissertation, still left it to the last week, pulled some all nighters and ended up bombing into college at 100 mph to hand it in ten minutes before the deadline.

As I've got older and learnt more about it I'm sure I've got adhd. I procrastinate constantly. Some people always get things done early some people last minute. But you need to let him sort this out on his own. And don't marry him next year.

BustyLee · 17/05/2024 20:57

Dwrcegin · 17/05/2024 10:11

He needed to request the extension. Him not you!

You are doing too much already and bending for him. He is an adult, let him sort himself out.

This.

PrincessOfPreschool · 17/05/2024 21:02

You're acting like his mum! Or worse. I wouldn't do this things for my 18yo because he needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself. OP, I think you've enabled this 22yo baby. Don't have a child with him because it'll be exhausting basically being a single mum to children with a very large age gap.

meganorks · 17/05/2024 21:19

Please don't marry him! You are so young and he's the only boyfriend you've ever had. But it sounds like your relationship is more like you being his mother! Why the hell are you doing all of that stuff? He needs to grow up and learn from his own mistakes. But he won't if you keep taking care of everything for him.

You need to go out and live your life for you. He needs to figure out for himself how to be an adult. He will never do that with you taking care of everything for him.

Ialwaysdomybest · 17/05/2024 21:37

Hillarious · 17/05/2024 10:15

It sounds like he's overwhelmed and needs help, and should have had help before. It's not an issue of a lack of respect for you, more an inability to be honest with himself, open up and ask for help.

I agree with this.
I think it is an issue to do with his mental health and nothing to do with lack of respect or appreciation of OP.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 17/05/2024 21:44

You are not his mother, his keeper or his babysitter. Why on earth are you arranging extensions for him and taking on so much load to ensure that he ‘cooperates’.

Love, you are so young. Do you really want to be motivating and mopping up after this man child for the rest of your life? Please leave and go and get the life you deserve.

Purpleplace · 17/05/2024 22:35

Like PP I am also your boyfriend. I did about a year of uni work in the week before the final submission deadline, basically pulling all nighters for several days in a row. Unfortunately I still came out with a good grade so it took me another 15 years to realise I have ADHD and this isn’t how normal people operate.
You’re not doing him any favours long term by taking on the load of managing him. Also from a relationship standpoint, this just sounds awful for everyone.

Mumwithbaggage · 17/05/2024 23:45

You're so young! Go out and have fun. My dd3 is at university - I know far less about her coursework than you do about your bf's. Same with my younger children. Have fun!! Don't even contemplate marriage right now - if it's right, it'll work out. Step back!

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 18/05/2024 00:02

ChristmasFluff · 17/05/2024 10:32

Well I'm my son's mum and I don't even mother him this much!

Do you like the person you are in this relationship? Do you really want to marry someone who is acting more like your child than your lover? Can you imagine having children with him? Because he'll just be an extra one.

He won't get better - your micromanaging and enabling will in fact make him worse. I know you are coming from a good place, but actually, picking up his slack is disempowering him, as well as exhausting you.

I can't help thinking that the best thing all round would be for this relationship to end.

This!

WigglyVonWaggly · 18/05/2024 00:05

There is no point in him being at university. If he wants to learn without assessments, he can watch TED talks online! I wonder why he’s even remained there when he has no desire to apply himself to the requirements of the course. It’s a bit foolish to do a degree if you can’t motivate yourself to turn in the work you’ll be assessed on. He’s proven that he’s not suited to it.

If he’s struggling, that’s perfectly fine - he can drop out - but why tell such elaborate lies? Why can’t he face reality and be truthful?

You cannot ever intrinsically motivate him - only worry from the outside - and it’s not your job to manage him and his studying. He sounds a bit immature and you don’t sound compatible. For me, the huge lies would the the end of it. You’re very young and you’ll find better!

Healthyalltheway · 18/05/2024 00:07

He needs to sort out his issues, ADHD, anxiety, depression etc - something is up where he is in this cycle, however you cant micromanage him out of it. He needs to do this for himself and by himself. you need to step back and focus on yourself and if you stay together just have fun and not be so serious. you are both young - no need to intermesh your lives so much.