My (22F) fiancé (22M) has been lying to me for 5 months about his uni essays, AIBU to feel hurt?

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My (22F) fiancé (22M) has been lying to me for 5 months about his uni essays, AIBU to feel hurt?

My fiancé’s dissertation is due next week, along side 2 other large essays. We have been together since a young age before GCSEs and I have supported him through GCSEs, Alevels and now his degree. He struggles with being under academic pressure and never seems to start essays until they need doing, in 2nd year he handed in multiple essays that did not reflect his full effort just because he was overwhelmed with them. I don’t mind what grade he gets tbh I don’t think he will use his degree. But at the start of January I wanted to be supportive with his dissertation and so have asked him every week what can I do to support you, how is it going have you gotten a good amount of words down this week? Especially as the dissertation is such a large amount of words I knew he couldn’t pull it out of the bag last minute. He has gone to the local library every single day since January sitting there for 9 hours at a time. He usually takes on the cooking/washing up/laundry etc because my degree is more demanding (I have placements alongside my studies) so I’ve really made an effort to take some of the weight off of him, even though it’s left me struggling myself as I am also in my final year of university on my final placement(working 40 hrs a week with a 1 hr commute twice a day) whilst studying at the same time. Basically I am exhausted and ready to finish my degree but i wanted him to have no pressure on him during the last couple of months. I asked him this week if I could read through his essays and dissertation and he would not let me look at them. I thought it was weird but I had been on nights so I was too tired to investigate further. Yesterday I decided to question further as he still would not send me them so I asked what was going on. I reassured him that I just wanted to help like he does with mine but he kind of broke down went for a walk and sent me a huge message about how sorry he is and that he has been lying for months about the progress of his essays, I knew I didn’t have time to be mad I needed to be supportive so that he can try and get something written by next week otherwise he really would not cooperate, I applied for an extension for him and he now has to write 16,000 words in a week because he wrote literally zero words the whole 5 months.
I drove him home from university so that me and his parents can support him for the next week . He was also supposed to start a new job next week so I drafted an email for his boss.
It was only last night that I was thinking before bed how hurt I actually am, the constant lies about how much progress he’d made each week, asking me to wash up because he’s been at the library all day even though I’m exhausted from placement. He even copied and pasted 5000 random words off the internet into a doc that said dissertation because he knew I would ask to see a word count .
I honestly feel distraught that he felt he had to lie when I’ve been nothing but supportive of his academics.
We are supposed to be getting married next year but I fear that if he can relentlessly lie like this for 5 months what else can he lie about.
Do I have a right to feel upset? Am I going to be able to get over the complete lack of trust? AIBU to feel so hurt by this ?

Break up.

The dynamic between you is very, very unhealthy. You're (s)mothering the shit out of him, which you seem to think is normal..? This relationship isn't gonna work, and you need to take some time out and get your head straight. A relationship is a partnership of equals. Not a man whose needs are centred and the emotional support human who also bosses him around.

^^ this. He clearly needs someone doing everything for him and you’re fulfilling that role beautifully 🙄
For heaven’s sake don’t marry him of you’ll be doing this for the rest of your lives. He sounds incredibly immature and you’re colluding with him to be like it.
You’re still very young, find someone who’s got a bit of oomph and initiative!

He's got a much bigger problem that you're not really helping him solve by piling on the pressure - either he's struggling with ADHD or he's doing the wrong degree or he hasn't really engaged with the course at all.

Are you doing the same subject? My DH has a very organised, desk-based job that he can schedule down to the last 10 min meeting window, then clock off. My job is creative, requires a lot of thinking time, and inevitably, scary last-minute deadlines. He cannot, after 10 years, understand why I can't just slam my laptop shut at 5pm like he does.

Don’t marry a man who’s happy for you to carry him when he’s got zero real stresses and Challenges. Say you’ve been thinking and you were doing too much for him. You want to live separately and see him adult on his own, as you don’t want to marry anyone who can’t adult, marriage needs to be a team and you don’t feel confident he’s going to take a turn being the supportive one.

Better than tasting of vodka 🤣

You are bending over backwards for him.

Sure, he will be struggling and you've done more than your fair share of help. He needs a reality check - this is so unfair for you. Stop helping, let him do it himself and struggle - if he fails that's on him and not you.

Oh OP, it's only as you get older you realise how young 22 is. You are not his mother. And at 22, he should be doing all this himself. You requested and extension? You drafted an email to his new boss? He can't write a dissertation in a week so leave him at his parents, go back to yours and enjoy a relaxed week on your own.

Everyone here will say don't marry him. It's because lots of us have 20+ years more relationship experience than you. Your life will be working harder, picking up all the slack, dealing with all the fallout, worrying about everything, wearing yourself out and, from what you have written, being a martyr. And you will be miserable. Break up now, feel sad and mope around for a couple of months and then enjoy being in your early 20s with a good degree, job and no commitments to a useless boyfriend.

I also wonder if the pushing from your side has effectively made him take a career/educational path that isn't him at all.
If he's struggling this badly, something is going on and your propping up and following up of him has stopped it from being discovered.
What does he even want from his life?
I think you might see him as a project and to some extent with your management he has gotten this far. But I think you might be disappointed with who he is long term, especially if you have kids and are not able to pay as much attention to him.

You sound extremely suffocating and I wouldn't be able to concentrate with you constantly hounding me to see my progress etc. He doesn't sound very motivated but you need to take a step back and realise it is not your responsibility to be doing everything for him.

You’re giving him too much support.

And actually, the poor grades he’s got for previous essays sound entirely commensurate with the effort he put in…

No comment on your relationship but he lied to you over something really important for 5 months and has now fucked it.

I'd worry about what else was going to be lied about in future because this one is immense and will be really obviously and inevitably exposed.

I wrote my MSc dissertation in 3 days having finished the research 12 months earlier.

I cannot bear being micromanaged. For my most recent master's dissertation (yes, I've got more than one 🙄) my tutor and I ended up not talking because of his insistence on monitoring me and expecting sections by certain dates. I wrote the whole thing in the week before the deadline.

I'm in my 50s, successful in my career and very well-qualified for what I do. I cannot focus until the last minute but it's get done. Maybe OP's boyfriend would write his own dissertation/request for extension/job applications in his own time if the OP stepped back and let him run/ruin his own life.

He lied to you and took advantage of your good nature, sat back and let you struggle

He's happy to let you do things for him re studies and work but also a bit scared of you so he tried to cover his tracks.

You, on the other hand, sound well meaning but intense and a bit intense.

Unless you both change this is doomed.

This! Damn, that would annoy me. He shouldn't have lied, but that's what some micromanaged children do to their mothers. That's the dynamic you now have.

Get away for both of your sakes.

Sorry op, I think you’ve got big issues to be behaving like this. You pride yourself on how supportive you’ve been, mentioning you supported him through his gcses. What does that even mean?

I think you are creating dependancy and I imagine you think you’ll be rewarded for all your support. But I don’t think you will. Doing everything for someone creates resentment in them, and it’s troubling that you are even with a man like this.

I was in a situation like this in a previous relationship. Bf was in last year of his degree but never did any work or attended class. After a few months I found out he was forging drs notes so he didn't have to attend. I was working 12 hr days making good money, maybe he assumed I was now a free ride. I left him straight away. If a man can lie about that he'll lie about everything else too. Leave him op. You'll be his mum forever and that's no kind of life for you.

I think that you need to stop. He will either get his degree or not. It's his responsibility, not yours. You have enough in your plate as it is. It sounds like he's not really at uni, just having a few years out. I'd postpone the wedding until you get a feel for what your future will look like.

But at the start of January I wanted to be supportive with his dissertation and so have asked him every week what can I do to support you, how is it going have you gotten a good amount of words down this week?

. I asked him this week if I could read through his essays and dissertation and he would not let me look at them

He was also supposed to start a new job next week so I drafted an email for his boss.

Christ leave him alone, you're not his mother. Do you really want to marry someone who needs to be spoon-fed?

Is this really how you want to live your life? With a lying, flaky partner who appears to be happy to do very little while you do the lions share of the work.

It's really not healthy. What have you learned that makes you respond to this situation by 'trying harder' rather than realising you are not compatible, calling off the wedding and going your separate ways saying thank you for the memories.

Find someone who is compatible, who will do an equal share of the heavy lifting. Meanwhile, build and enjoy a great life for yourself.

It really can't supposed to be sooo hard.

Yes, take responsibility for your part in creating this ridiculous situation (where you appear to mix up ‘support’ with ‘be over-involved in’). You’re making him worse, facilitating his disorganisation and procrastination, and appear to think you’re doing a good thing, and that the only problem is that he lied to you. Stop it immediately — he’s an adult, and you’re behaving like a helicopter parent. I can’t believe you wrote an email to his new boss, or that you could have ever considered marrying someone you’ve been babying since his GCSEs!

You're trying very hard to be a Good Girlfriend (c).

But he has been lying in significant and profound ways, constantly for months.

He doesn't deserve you. And you'll be happier without him.

FWIW, I got married young, and would have chosen much, much differently if I'd had the space to explore and understand myself and how I fit into the world. If I'd waited to settle down until I was in my late 20s or early 30s, I would have been able to live more authentically. I would never recommend marrying young to anyone - what's the rush? Why not wait a while? Do your own thing, be your own person, and let this man do the same.

Omg why are you acting like his mother. He needs to take responsibility. His wasting his time and he just needs to get a job. Your too young to be looking g after a man child

I applied for an extension for him

I drove him home from university so that me and his parents can support him for the next week

He was also supposed to start a new job next week so I drafted an email for his boss

You’re acting like his mum. Stop it.

He doesn’t deserve a degree and you can’t do it for him.

He is who he is…he won’t change….decide what you want

It's controlling. And very patronising. Imagine the responses if a man posted this about his girlfriend

For some reason posters are jumping to the conclusion that he's asking for the OP to do this. The fact he doesn't want to share his work with her suggests the opposite.

Some people leave things til the last minute because it works for them. Some people struggle enormously because of things like ADHD or learning difficulties, or a MH problem. The language used on this thread is horrible. Calling him a ManChild and saying he's not a 'functional' adult, whatever that means.