My (22F) fiancé (22M) has been lying to me for 5 months about his uni essays, AIBU to feel hurt?

[feathertv]

My (22F) fiancé (22M) has been lying to me for 5 months about his uni essays, AIBU to feel hurt?

My fiancé’s dissertation is due next week, along side 2 other large essays. We have been together since a young age before GCSEs and I have supported him through GCSEs, Alevels and now his degree. He struggles with being under academic pressure and never seems to start essays until they need doing, in 2nd year he handed in multiple essays that did not reflect his full effort just because he was overwhelmed with them. I don’t mind what grade he gets tbh I don’t think he will use his degree. But at the start of January I wanted to be supportive with his dissertation and so have asked him every week what can I do to support you, how is it going have you gotten a good amount of words down this week? Especially as the dissertation is such a large amount of words I knew he couldn’t pull it out of the bag last minute. He has gone to the local library every single day since January sitting there for 9 hours at a time. He usually takes on the cooking/washing up/laundry etc because my degree is more demanding (I have placements alongside my studies) so I’ve really made an effort to take some of the weight off of him, even though it’s left me struggling myself as I am also in my final year of university on my final placement(working 40 hrs a week with a 1 hr commute twice a day) whilst studying at the same time. Basically I am exhausted and ready to finish my degree but i wanted him to have no pressure on him during the last couple of months. I asked him this week if I could read through his essays and dissertation and he would not let me look at them. I thought it was weird but I had been on nights so I was too tired to investigate further. Yesterday I decided to question further as he still would not send me them so I asked what was going on. I reassured him that I just wanted to help like he does with mine but he kind of broke down went for a walk and sent me a huge message about how sorry he is and that he has been lying for months about the progress of his essays, I knew I didn’t have time to be mad I needed to be supportive so that he can try and get something written by next week otherwise he really would not cooperate, I applied for an extension for him and he now has to write 16,000 words in a week because he wrote literally zero words the whole 5 months.
I drove him home from university so that me and his parents can support him for the next week . He was also supposed to start a new job next week so I drafted an email for his boss.
It was only last night that I was thinking before bed how hurt I actually am, the constant lies about how much progress he’d made each week, asking me to wash up because he’s been at the library all day even though I’m exhausted from placement. He even copied and pasted 5000 random words off the internet into a doc that said dissertation because he knew I would ask to see a word count .
I honestly feel distraught that he felt he had to lie when I’ve been nothing but supportive of his academics.
We are supposed to be getting married next year but I fear that if he can relentlessly lie like this for 5 months what else can he lie about.
Do I have a right to feel upset? Am I going to be able to get over the complete lack of trust? AIBU to feel so hurt by this ?

Agreed.

I went through uni - twice, and two different professional careers while being innately deadline driven. It's just the way I function and I would be driven out of my mind by someone hanging over me, endlessly pestering me and demanding to see word counts!

The OP and her fiancé are simply incompatible.

And I have a 22 year old son, and I haven't pestered him like that either.

@feathertv

You are not wrong to feel hurt. Especially about the lies and the sacrifices you made.

But you need to step back immediately. You cannot carry this person - you are running straight into co dependency, emeshment and all sort of other unbalanced, unboundaried things.

Your drive is not compatible with his procrastination (or whatever the reason is) and he is dishonest as well.

Please put the marriage plans very much on hold.

Don’t get married - this relationship may not work out the way you want it to. You’re not his parent - he is the same age as you and you are managing to organise your life and priorities as you should, like an adult. He needs to grow up and take responsibility. Take a massive step back and let him make his own decisions and mistakes.

Why do you want to marry him? Don’t you mean adopt him do you can carry on over-mothering him? Why are you doing all of this? Don’t you want a man who can be an equal partner and manage his own life? What if you have actual children????

You sound absolutely lovely, thoughtful, kind, supportive, encouraging, and extremely hard working.

You need someone who is your equal and can support you also emotionally and practically… instead he lied to you and took advantage of your generosity of spirit with the housework when you were at your most exhausted; that’s not love.

Take some time for yourself during this difficult stressful time, put your energy back into yourself because you sorely need it!

On the other hand, he is a bottomless pit, when will it end?
Think of him as a bucket with a hole in it, you can pour as much of your support as you want, it will continue to leak!

Make some time for fun and good times with your friends! This drudgery will come soon enough in later life, there is absolutely no need to do it now!

He will be fine, he does not sound suited to academic life, some people are just not, and pushing them is counterproductive, as you just learned.

Be young happy and carefree!

If you are doing nursing be careful of the man you marry or commit to. We by nature are caring people but we do tend to be co dependant people. So many of my colleagues & myself choose inept partners the ones who married are now divorced I didn’t marry but like you was with a partner in my 20’s who didn’t work, he never worked I was left to pick everything up. Mortgage on my own age 23 he never contributed a penny. Then eventually cheated even though I had given him a way out I will still never get my head round that. Took me a long time to get over the feeling I had been duped. What I took on at 20 didn’t expect to be the same at 28. Things to ask yourself what do you want, what are your likes. You are spending so much time supporting him you are loosing you. Don’t walk run, imagine what life will be like for you with 2 kids in the mix full time job & a partner who is really a child.

Really?

You don't think that she sounds micromanaging and controlling? Demanding to see her boyfriend's word count to prove he's been working? Drafting emails to his boss?

Nowhere in her post does she say that he asked her to do those controlling things. In fact, he pretty obviously hates it. So it's coming from her.

He's been a dick too, having her do extra housework and lying to her, but this relationship is dysfunctional on both sides. Both of them need to work on their boundaries and behaviours, including the OP.

"We have been together since a young age before GCSEs and I have supported him through GCSEs, Alevels and now his degree."
I see two possibilities for why you have taken on this support role:

1. You are a people pleaser, always putting everyone else's needs and wants before your own, probably because you do not value yourself and see your own needs as lesser than those of other people
2. You view him not as an independent autonomous person but as some sort of exotic pet, to be micromanaged and chivvied into performing for your pleasure

Neither scenarios are healthy.

"We are supposed to be getting married next year but I fear that if he can relentlessly lie like this for 5 months what else can he lie about.
Do I have a right to feel upset? Am I going to be able to get over the complete lack of trust? AIBU to feel so hurt by this ?"
Of course you have a right to feel upset. There was a cost to his lies, a cost that you bore in time spent 'supporting' him when you have no time to spare and emotional labour in trying to facilitate him. I would be more than upset, I would be absolutely furious with him about that.

You are right to consider whether you can trust him, because his lies involved real effort - fake files etc. And he must have been aware that you trying to take pressure off him placed a burden of time and effort onto you. That burden was less important to him that the maintenance of his illusion that he was progressing.

BUT - and it is a very big but - step back for a minute and ask yourself WHY. Why all the lies?

From my perspective, I see a young man who frankly is not academic. "He struggles with being under academic pressure and never seems to start essays until they need doing". It sounds as if this has always been the case, all the way back to school, GCSEs, maybe even before then. So why, I ask, is a young man who is not academic, who you say will not use his degree if/when he gets it - why is he at university at all? What pressure to be there is he under?

I realise that there is a certain taken-for-grantedness these days that all young people should go to university if they have the entry requirements. Is that how it went? His parents, the school, you, his friends - did you all just take it for granted?

And since I've raised things being taken for granted - you plan to marry next year, at the grand old age of 23? Have a think about that. A real think. I'm not saying you don't love each other, but I am saying that you are not ready for that. He needs to find his feet in the world and not just do what others expect of him (he may be a people pleaser himself). You both need to stop following this pre-ordained path.

And you definitely need to step back from micromanaging another adult, whatever the reason you have for doing it. Otherwise you'll never really know who he is, and he will never get the chance to grow up.

I suspect he has mental health issues-I recognise this form of extreme procrastination from members of my own family. He needs to go to student welfare and then personal tutor now (him not you) and see if there is any scope for deferring. He also needs to go to his doctor and see if he can be referred for assessment.

You sound very, very controlling. Don't marry him, for both of your sakes.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/demand-avoidance

This entire post reads more like the words of a fusspot middle-aged helicopter parent being massively over-involved with the life of her adult son than the words of a 22-year-old girl talking about her boyfriend.

You don't even think he'll use his degree anyway, so what's it to you whether he gets his dissertation done? Why on earth are you monitoring his word counts and checking the progress of his essays?! Why did you, rather than him, apply for the extension?

Yes, he's been a tit. No, that isn't your problem. But honestly, this entire relationship sounds really odd and quite stifling for a pair of 22-year-olds who are still at university. He shouldn't have lied to you, but it sounds to me as if he wants to enjoy being 22 while you want to act like you're 50.

Why on earth are you so set on getting married as soon as you've finished uni? Is there a religious factor here or something?

he now has to write 16,000 words in a week

That's not a big deal at all, though? It's only 2,200 words a day. He won't even need to pull any all-nighters to get that done.

hes not your child oh dear. you have babied him - I'm sorry but you've put yourself in this position by making his degree your problem in the first place, nagging him etc. let him struggle and if he fails so be it. not your problem. worry about your own.

Nope!

This strikes me as a bit of an odd dynamic. If you're taking responsibility for him now, it's not going to get any better.

You're obviously a very supporting and caring partner, which is lovely, but just be careful that you're using that on someone worthy and who supports and cares for you too.

OP, you are only 22. Ditch the lying loser and move on. I've been happily married for almost 4 decades, and the secret is compromise ON BOTH SIDES. The fact that he accomplishes little, lies about it, and you write emails to his boss is telling me that you are more like his mother than his soon-to-be wife.

Throw this one back. He is nowhere near ready for a mature relationship.

• I supported him through his GCSEs
• I applied for an extension for him
• I drove him home from university so that me and his parents can support him
• I drafted an email for his boss.

Darling, your intentions are good but you have GOT to stop facilitating this man's incompetence, you're doing him no favours in the long term and you're fucking with your own life in the process - your energy levels, the time you have to do your own work, the rest time you need, your stress levels. Why are you treating yourself so badly at the expense of a man who isn't appreciating your help?

The best thing I can advise you to do is to get some therapy and change your life perspective. Put yourself first, because nobody else will. He certainly isn't putting you first, and he isn't even appreciating you for the sacrifices to your own studies, work/life balance and stress levels that you have been making by putting him above you.

Send him home on a train and have the week to yourself to get on with what YOU need to be doing. If he hands in a mediocre dissertation or if he completely fails, it's on HIM not you. Please repeat that until it goes in and Put. Yourself. First.

Where are his parents in all this? I bet they thank their lucky stars that a girl like you came along.
Poster above is right, as a caring nurse type, you are likely to be a fixer and drawn to people who need you.
When you have children you will have more people who need you, as well as your patients and you will really need your partner to be solid and giving. If he needs lots of support, you are likely to burn out and resent him. Mothering a partner also eliminates sectoral sexual attraction too.
Be really careful.
There's a thread of women here who've seen it all and are giving good advice.

You don't say what your boyfriend is studying, but pretty much everyone on my degree course (English) did absolute fuck-all on their final year dissertation until about a week before the deadline, then wrote the entire thing in a couple of days fuelled by sugary coffee and Pro-Plus. I never - literally never - started an essay until the day before the deadline through the whole three years of my degree. And I got a 1st (and a prize for my dissertation, in fact).

I still take this approach to work projects now, to be honest, and I'm 48.

You're obviously a very supporting and caring partner

No, this isn't obvious at all.

The OP has been controlling and micromanaging him in a way that goes beyond what most mothers of teens would do.

They are both at fault here, and the OP needs to work on her behaviour just as much as he does.

This is me as well, and I didn’t sleep last night because of it. Which is shit but it’s my shit to deal with, and not really anyone else’s business.
I get where you’re coming from OP but I could not be doing with the micromanaging.

@feathertv
putting aside the issues re compatibility and lies from your partner which have been covered already by other MNs

16,000 words in a week!

If your partner has done all the research and is ready to start and accounting for one day to proof read and get it bound ( we always had to bind ours, does he? ) that’s 6 days to write it.
Thats over 2600 words a day!

Is he working on it now OP
Or sitting with his head in his hands

Please don't marry him.

16000 words in a week is doable but he has to do it for himself.

When I was about 22 I asked my sister (7 years older) for advice on a relationship issue and she said the wisest words I have ever heard, which were "Don't do anything irreversible until you're 26".

We allow people to be adults at 18, but most people are not emotionally ready for major life decisions until their mid-20s.

I won't suggest that OP leaves or stays with BF, but please don't marry him or get pregnant for another 3 to 4 years. By then you will be in a better position to understand what you are feeling right now. (And he will hopefully also have matured... and if not, well, that makes the decision easier.)

Goodness gracious stop mothering him!

You asked for a word count?!

I am gobsmacked.