My (22F) fiancé (22M) has been lying to me for 5 months about his uni essays, AIBU to feel hurt?

[feathertv]

My (22F) fiancé (22M) has been lying to me for 5 months about his uni essays, AIBU to feel hurt?

My fiancé’s dissertation is due next week, along side 2 other large essays. We have been together since a young age before GCSEs and I have supported him through GCSEs, Alevels and now his degree. He struggles with being under academic pressure and never seems to start essays until they need doing, in 2nd year he handed in multiple essays that did not reflect his full effort just because he was overwhelmed with them. I don’t mind what grade he gets tbh I don’t think he will use his degree. But at the start of January I wanted to be supportive with his dissertation and so have asked him every week what can I do to support you, how is it going have you gotten a good amount of words down this week? Especially as the dissertation is such a large amount of words I knew he couldn’t pull it out of the bag last minute. He has gone to the local library every single day since January sitting there for 9 hours at a time. He usually takes on the cooking/washing up/laundry etc because my degree is more demanding (I have placements alongside my studies) so I’ve really made an effort to take some of the weight off of him, even though it’s left me struggling myself as I am also in my final year of university on my final placement(working 40 hrs a week with a 1 hr commute twice a day) whilst studying at the same time. Basically I am exhausted and ready to finish my degree but i wanted him to have no pressure on him during the last couple of months. I asked him this week if I could read through his essays and dissertation and he would not let me look at them. I thought it was weird but I had been on nights so I was too tired to investigate further. Yesterday I decided to question further as he still would not send me them so I asked what was going on. I reassured him that I just wanted to help like he does with mine but he kind of broke down went for a walk and sent me a huge message about how sorry he is and that he has been lying for months about the progress of his essays, I knew I didn’t have time to be mad I needed to be supportive so that he can try and get something written by next week otherwise he really would not cooperate, I applied for an extension for him and he now has to write 16,000 words in a week because he wrote literally zero words the whole 5 months.
I drove him home from university so that me and his parents can support him for the next week . He was also supposed to start a new job next week so I drafted an email for his boss.
It was only last night that I was thinking before bed how hurt I actually am, the constant lies about how much progress he’d made each week, asking me to wash up because he’s been at the library all day even though I’m exhausted from placement. He even copied and pasted 5000 random words off the internet into a doc that said dissertation because he knew I would ask to see a word count .
I honestly feel distraught that he felt he had to lie when I’ve been nothing but supportive of his academics.
We are supposed to be getting married next year but I fear that if he can relentlessly lie like this for 5 months what else can he lie about.
Do I have a right to feel upset? Am I going to be able to get over the complete lack of trust? AIBU to feel so hurt by this ?

Also, he sounds bloody lazy. He’s let you ‘take the weight’ off him while you’ve run yourself ragged doing your own degree. All the time he’s been disappearing for 9 hours doing fuck all. What’s he even been doing? He’s a liar!

Can’t understand why anyone would put themselves through the stress of uni for a degree they’re not going to use. I think he sounds like he is not coping so you need to help him talk with his main tutor. Perhaps he could redo the year with some help. You are both very young and uni can be hard when you lack the skills for getting on with things. My cousin is similar and I feel he was pressured into going to uni despite having dyslexia and not being an organised type of person because his sister is the opposite and did very well so he had to be like her. This has caused mental health problems. I think he should have applied for jobs, taken time to decide if uni was best for him and helped to ask for help. However it is difficult to be the one who is struggling when others are doing well. He needs to see his course supervisor and maybe delay the course for a year. My cousin has done this and is still struggling but will probably finish this year with help. My aunt and uncle are quite pushy and think he just needs to get on with it and go for runs!!! Uni is not suited for everyone but it seems to be an expectation for a lot of families. I hate seeing him suffering. Perhaps being at uni has changed you as a person and you are ready to move on. You can’t hold yourself back and be happy so I would let his parents help, maybe the uni doctor and concentrate on yourself. Enjoy the last few months at uni and think about what you want to do?

Your support is admirable but in doing so you are only facilitating his daft behaviour. You are his fiance not a mother of a child, allow him to deal with his own poor time management, deceit and feel the consequences of his actions.
He might be a nice guy but he seems to lack drive, ambition, and empathy for your needs. Are these qualities you would like in a husband?

he sounds like a man that'll drag you down or stagnate your growth.
he's an adult who should be committed to his studies seeing as 1) he chose to go to university 2) he chose his course 3) he's paying for it.

aybu? no. you're being a good person by trying to help where you can. him not being bothered to actually do the work is ...kind of an ick to me.

does he want to work? is he going to commit to a job? seems like he'd be one to start work and quit the next week as it's too hard.

he doesn't seem like a hardworking man and he's only 22. he should be very enthusiastic about his future. if not now then when?

@feathertv if you are already doing this much for him whilst your holding a proper full time job and studying, what do you think marriage will be like? I'd be stepping away now.

Writing a dissertation in a few days is doable if he's done his research. I once wrote my 30000 masters degree dissertation in a day - 8am to 4am, slept for 4 hours then drove it to the binders and to uni 80 miles away from where I lived. I had a full time job, I'd done my research and I just blasted through it, but I think that might be his issue - he doesnt have his head on, doesn't see the value in having a degree and honestly he's facilitated to arse around too.

He's a man child and honestly you do not want to be married to one of those.

Dump him. Ffs you're 22

Hi OP!
It looks like perhaps you aren't coming back, but I've been thinking about your post all day and your man's bloody essay. Despite my earlier "tugboat" post, I confess that I have helped, many many friends (and random strangers even) in this "stuck" position with a critical piece of work where they are freezing at the last moment. Has he done the reading and taken notes? Did he write his own essay title or was it supplied for him? Has he written his essay plan on a side of A4? Does he know how to construct an essay of this size? Arghhh I want to spend a couple of hours with him to get his head on straight and work out a hard essay plan with him so he can start writing. I have no room to criticise you whatsoever and wish you well.

As for your future, perhaps he is a rather laid back person, very loving and fun, but he shouldn;t have lied about his progress on the essay. However, it's too late now and he needs to get on with it with a monumental effort of will and action. At least then, if he got it done, you know what he's capable of under pressure!

This is a brilliant post 💪

@feathertv I understand where you are coming from - you love and care for him and are doing everything you can to show him that support as that's what loving partners do, right?

BUT. Where is/has he done that for you? This sounds very one sided I'm afraid. You are now in this dynamic where you are doing ALL the loving and supporting - I think this is/will be the dynamic of your relationship forevermore. That's not a partnership! That's you doing everything for him, at detriment to yourself!

Take it from the older ladies on here - to build a life and a family successfully, BOTH partners need to pull their weight. By taking over and fixing everything for him now you are infantilsing him. This won't end well.

That's without even going into the lying and being happy to sit back while you run yourself ragged, KNOWING he's not being doing a tap of work.

You can do better. You DESERVE better.

If you try to micromanage someone else’s life they will lie to you. It doesn’t matter if they are 6yrs old or 60yrs old.

You are mothering him. He needs to make his own decisions and face consequences to learn responsibility.

You need to give him space to do that. I would imagine he lied because you are constantly on at him and he didn't know how to have the conversation.

He sounds very immature I'd be wary of marrying someone like this. He may grow up eventually but not if he has you managing him. Could you imagine having a family, sharing finances with someone who you feel you have to watch over and manage. Whilst raising kids, working and being responsible. Also he's let you struggle more rather than be honest with you.

What on earth was he doing in the library for 9 hours a day then? Did he even go there?
You're far too young to be getting married.
You need to get more experience of the world and how proper adults live.
Your bf is behaving like a man child and doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth.
Ditch him now or at least wait 5 years before he drags you under with his pathetic behaviour and inability to face the truth about himself.

What on earth was he doing in the library for 9 hours a day then? Did he even go there?

Hiding from his controlling, micromanaging girlfriend who is constantly on at him, demanding to see his word count and check his work.

He lied, which was wrong - he should have told her upfront to back off and leave him to work in his own way. But it was her behaviour that made him feel the need to lie. It is not normal to supervise and manage your partner's study time like that!

Totally agree.

I can't believe that some people are saying that her behaviour is evidence that she's mature, caring, pulling her weight, supporting him etc.!

Micromanaging and controlling are not positive behaviours.

you need to help him talk with his main tutor.

No. The OP shouldn't be helping him do anything at all. She needs to take a massive step back and stop interfering in his life. He will either pass his degree or not, but she has no business providing any more "help".

He copied and pasted stuff off the internet because "he knew [OP] would ask to see a word count" This says so much about the dynamic, and none of it good!

I totally agree, I feel so sorry for this lad.

He works in a different way to the OP and she’s put him under such scrutiny that he feels the need to lie to get her off his back.

Then he’s stuck in a cycle of shame and secrecy - which is a massive risk in terms of his mental health - which he’s then shamed even further for.

Him not doing the work is obviously not ideal but it’s also not the end of the world. There’s a reason that universities offer extensions, extenuating circumstances and various other supportive mechanisms for those who’ve struggled to meet deadlines and that’s because students don’t exist in a vacuum of their work. Life happens, people make mistakes. Thousands of them every year. The important bit is to help them realise this so that they don’t spiral even further into avoidance and feeling shit.

If you love him, stop being angry with him, at a bare minimum postpone the wedding till you’ve both grown up and experienced a bit more of life. There’s no rush to get married, or live like a controlling middle aged woman from a 1980s sitcom.

If I had a boss/partner like you I‘d be doing the same thing - and I say that as a highly accomplished woman. Your micromanager style marks you out as someone who is as emotionally immature as he is. He at least is owning it.

Sounds as if he’s just not suited to university. Nothing wrong with that — most people aren’t.

Up till about a few decades ago most school-leavers went into a job or an apprenticeship/training. University was just for the most academically minded.

It’s crazy that suddenly teenagers have been pushed into studying for years more, racking up huge debt for degrees, which often add nothing to their lives or their job prospects. Unfair and unnecessary.

OP, I suggest your fiancé should see a careers adviser, possibly through his university. He could do well and be happy in a non-academic job that suits his abilities and interests.

Also, you got together very young. I hope you won’t tie yourselves down with marriage and children before you’ve seen more of life.

Yeah, this behaviour by the OP is not "mature", "kind" or "supportive". It's critical and controlling. It's parental, and not in a nurturing way. Assume the role of critical parent with another adult and they will always, always assume the role of rebellious, disobedient child, because you've all but forced them to.

He may or may not be a chronic man child. Nobody knows, possibly including him, because his girlfriend has been all up on his jock since his bloody GCSEs, which she "supported" (pushed) him through. This is a deeply unhealthy relationship which needs to end, but the one with definitely problematic behaviour here who needs to do some serious reflection and changing is the OP.

The problem with mental health and depression in a yp in the op’s boyfriend’s position is they don’t always realise it’s depression and mental health issues they may be dealing with. Their behaviour is perceived as lazy, lethargic , lacking motivation and not what those around them expect. Pressure of work and high expectations of those around them add to their feelings of hopelessness. I’ve seen it in young people I work with. The hardest thing is to admit they aren’t coping and to ask for help and understanding.

I have undiagnosed ADHD, I can’t do anything important unless The Dread sets in. Literally will put off anything my brain deems boring until it absolutely has to be done. And because it wasn’t recognised as a child/by uni, I also didn’t reach my full potential. I wrote my dissertation 3 days before deadline (after year long extension) and received a very middle C grade.

There would have been zero point anyone carrying on at me about it but I do see how utterly frustrating people like myself are to others. But as many many people have said here, you are setting up a life wasted on pushing this man and putting yourself in the position of his mother. The fact you’ve been doing this since GCSEs is so depressing, such a waste of your youth. Move on and be your own person, not an extension of his existence.

I wrote every uni assignment within 24 hours of submission cutoff and my dissertation in 3days. The consequences was I spent ££££ on a 2.2 degree when I could have achieved a first had my brain been able to focus. I'm the same at work and home, leave everything till the last minute because I can't focus on the task until the last minute or until it gets on the brink of overwhelming - like the giant ironing pile staring at me.

I don't want to be like that, I would literally sit staring at my laptop for hours and not be able to bring myself to write anything, get distracted with adjacent tasks like reading journals etc but not actually start the assignment.

You sound suffocating - I would be too stressed out worrying that I was disappointing you too be able to do any work!

You have to step back & let him fail. It is the only way he will learn whether this is really what he wants and if it is he needs to do it for himself.

You also need to stop trying to run his life for him and stop micromanaging him and you need to consider if you really want to marry this man because this is who he is.

You could also be describing my son, who I have struggled to let sink this year as my tendency is to do stuff for him when he struggles but I have to let him grow up & work it out for himself. You have to do the same for your fiancee.

You sound like an insufferable micro-managing nag and he sounds like a child. Time to call it a day for both sakes.