My (22F) fiancé (22M) has been lying to me for 5 months about his uni essays, AIBU to feel hurt?

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My (22F) fiancé (22M) has been lying to me for 5 months about his uni essays, AIBU to feel hurt?

My fiancé’s dissertation is due next week, along side 2 other large essays. We have been together since a young age before GCSEs and I have supported him through GCSEs, Alevels and now his degree. He struggles with being under academic pressure and never seems to start essays until they need doing, in 2nd year he handed in multiple essays that did not reflect his full effort just because he was overwhelmed with them. I don’t mind what grade he gets tbh I don’t think he will use his degree. But at the start of January I wanted to be supportive with his dissertation and so have asked him every week what can I do to support you, how is it going have you gotten a good amount of words down this week? Especially as the dissertation is such a large amount of words I knew he couldn’t pull it out of the bag last minute. He has gone to the local library every single day since January sitting there for 9 hours at a time. He usually takes on the cooking/washing up/laundry etc because my degree is more demanding (I have placements alongside my studies) so I’ve really made an effort to take some of the weight off of him, even though it’s left me struggling myself as I am also in my final year of university on my final placement(working 40 hrs a week with a 1 hr commute twice a day) whilst studying at the same time. Basically I am exhausted and ready to finish my degree but i wanted him to have no pressure on him during the last couple of months. I asked him this week if I could read through his essays and dissertation and he would not let me look at them. I thought it was weird but I had been on nights so I was too tired to investigate further. Yesterday I decided to question further as he still would not send me them so I asked what was going on. I reassured him that I just wanted to help like he does with mine but he kind of broke down went for a walk and sent me a huge message about how sorry he is and that he has been lying for months about the progress of his essays, I knew I didn’t have time to be mad I needed to be supportive so that he can try and get something written by next week otherwise he really would not cooperate, I applied for an extension for him and he now has to write 16,000 words in a week because he wrote literally zero words the whole 5 months.
I drove him home from university so that me and his parents can support him for the next week . He was also supposed to start a new job next week so I drafted an email for his boss.
It was only last night that I was thinking before bed how hurt I actually am, the constant lies about how much progress he’d made each week, asking me to wash up because he’s been at the library all day even though I’m exhausted from placement. He even copied and pasted 5000 random words off the internet into a doc that said dissertation because he knew I would ask to see a word count .
I honestly feel distraught that he felt he had to lie when I’ve been nothing but supportive of his academics.
We are supposed to be getting married next year but I fear that if he can relentlessly lie like this for 5 months what else can he lie about.
Do I have a right to feel upset? Am I going to be able to get over the complete lack of trust? AIBU to feel so hurt by this ?

2,600 words daily is completely doable, especially if he has done all the research. Many of us work best with our backs to the wall but would utterly resent being managed. His degree - and whether he achieves it or not - is not OP's business, let alone her responsibility.

Same here, different subject(s). I did my dissertation research about 3/4 of the way through the deadline, and I wrote the whole damn thing in just under 2 weeks. I need the motivation of being up against a deadline to get things done and always have done. I'm also nearly 50 and I have lived my whole life like this.

OP may find Tim Urban's TED talk interesting: Tim Urban: Inside the mind of a master procrastinator | TED Talk

You aren't his tutor, life coach or personal assistant. In academia, the whole point is that you do the work YOURSELF and have the intelligence, drive and organisation to get it done to the best of your ability. If you marry him, you will spend all your time cajoling and encouraging and organising him into someone he just - ISN'T.

Leave him to it. Can you write a 16.000 word essay in a week? Yes of course, if you have done the reading, thinking and planning - you absolutely can. If you are really clever and driven, you could do it from scratch in a week. If he can't pull this out of the bag he shouldn't be at university at all.

He lied to you because he didn't want to tell you the truth because it's just easier for him to hope everything will somehow work out. I wouldn't marry this man because you aren't compatible and for you, your whole life will feel like a little tugboat dragging this man around and trying to stop him from grounding or crashing into a bridge!

You are not compatible.

Hes a grown adult and he needs to learn to manage his time himself.

Why are you asking to read his essays and see his word count? Why are you checking up on him? Hes not a child and you are not his parent. I can see why he felt he had to lie to you.

Do not marry this man.

You love him and want to help him. Thays not what he needs. He needs to grow up and take risks and own the consequences of his behaviour. By supporting him as you are, you are preventing that.

If you leave him, he might well be a great husband to someone for in ten years. But he will never be a great husband to you. Never.

If you marry him,you will be his drudge. You will carry the mental and physical load for the family. He will never be a real partner to you, just s parasite. Eventually, the love will go too because you won't won't able to respect him. You will be exhausted keeping all the plates spinning and he'll start wondering where the romance went and why you don't feel like having lots of adventurous sex.

End this. It isn't good for either of you. Sorry tobe so blunt.

Hmm, no follow up posts from OP 7 hours later

Op, I’m pretty much your bf. I had a lightbulb moment when I watched this video. Please watch it from 4mins 30 seconds. Helped me enormously to realise what was happening and why. Wish I had realised before struggling through various further education scenarios surviving on caffeine, adrenaline and all nighters at the last minute.

Also, in the kindest way, what you are doing is very likely having the exact opposite effect of what you want. You need to stop policing him. Anytime anyone (parent or partner or friend) start asking me if I’ve done something it gets my back up, and somehow mentally makes it even more difficult to then do.

I hope you read this. It might help your bf to watch this video too.

His degree is his problem, not yours. Leave it for him to sort out. If he fails, it's entirely his fault. You need to concentrate on your degree and your future. Don't marry him.

It sounds like this is a normal pattern: you have to oversee and schedule his life so he can try to get his things done after procrastinating until the bitter end, and sometimes he still doesn't do what he needs to do.

I'd reconsider marrying him, tbh. He may well struggle to hold down jobs for the same reason. Any financial issues that results from such a struggle would become your financial issues, too, if you're married.

I'm not diagnosing him but this sounds exactly like me at uni and I have now been diagnosed with ADHD. I always struggled to do essays in advance and my dissertation, despite going to the library for weeks to do it I didn't actually do it until the night before it was due. This meant whilst I probably was capable of doing better I did ok.
It's ok to feel hurt if he's been telling you he's actually been doing the work but it can be pretty shameful to be like this, wether it's just personality, stress or like myself ADHD. I would maybe approach him to explain that this has hurt you and to try and understand why he may have not been honest.

I agree with PPs - You are too young to be mothering that man-child!

PLEASE prioritise yourself. You are working so hard and his uselessness is not something you need to take on. He will never learn to sort himself out while he has you to jump in and do everything for him.

You have every right to be furious that he has not only lied for months but been so manipulative with it.

It sounds like you bend over backwards for him but what does he do for you?!

I don't want to be harsh but honestly, if you were my DD I'd be telling you to run away from that marriage as fast as you can.

I don’t really get why you’re doing all this for him. He’s a grown man and you’ve got your own studies to worry about.
He doesn’t seem to be taking any responsibility for his degree or how to mitigate these circumstances.He needs to apply for the extension:speak to tutors, whatever.
I’d be questioning whether I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man-child, really.

OP, you have over-stepped, albeit with the best intentions.

You need to be able to see the real boy so that you know exactly who it is you think you are in love with. But you have made it impossible for him to reveal his true self. He’s been more concerned about living up to your exactly standards than he has been about his dissertation.

You have delivered him to his parents, got him an extension so now it’s best if you leave him entirely alone to sink or swim. You can’t do any of it for him.

As for getting married next year, take that idea right off the table. It’s far too much pressure for him if this is how he reacts. Better this scenario today than him running away from Church as you walk down the aisle towards him.

Leave him be for a while and let him reveal the man he is growing up to be. Resist giving him your advice or your admonishment….even though you are disappointed and feel let down by him. He probably feels dreadful and totally worn down, confused and in shock.

Just get on with your own degree and let him be until he’s recovered a bit and ready to come to you. When he does, don’t be angry. Let him talk and let him tell you what he wants. Don’t rail-road him back on to any track YOU think he should be on.

He isn’t entirely who you thought he was and like most young men his age, he’s far too young to be making a marriage commitment anyway. He needs a bit of freedom to find himself again.
Good luck with your own studies OP. Try not to let this distract you from your own chosen career path.

Even mums don’t do this, believe me!!

OP, this advice is absolutely spot on. You are not compatible and you shouldn’t think of trying to change him or you. I was married 25 years to a man (high achiever, Type A personality) who I was miserable with because I could not be what he needed/wanted. You will end up not respecting him and ultimately the love will be gone. Let him go!

I thought you’d said at the start of the post that you were his partner, but it appears that you’re actually his mother, and he’s a young boy.

He's not a grown-up, he's an overgrown teenager. Cancel the wedding.

Why are you babying him?

Firstly I agree with PPs. He hasn't asked for your micromanagement so why are you doing it. It's his degree. You had yours and your placement to deal with. You should have left him to it, perhaps with offers of support if he needed it if you wanted to and had capacity.

Secondly, could he have ADHD? That can lead to having all the best intentions eg I will go to library today and write x number of words, but being completely incapable of doing so when it came to it. I can sit through a whole day of work achieving nothing despite wanting to get started and then have to work super late into the night after my brain deigns to kick in. This comes with a lot of shame (especially before you know what it is). You know you need to start and he will know everything you've been saying is right, and how much you've been doing to accommodate him, so he may then feel enormous shame and a failure for not actually being able to do anything despite his efforts. It feels ridiculous to sit there for 9 hours trying to start something but being unable to. You feel faulty and incapable and useless. So if he felt like this then it makes sense why he then lied to you. He was shamed and embarrassed and tried to cover it up perhaps thinking, it's ok n I'll catch up tomorrow, I'll be able to do it tomorrow.

It might be worth him speaking to student services to see if they can give him any support in the run up to his exams (I assume he has exams?). Unis will sometimes pay for an ADHD assessment if it looks like that may be the case but not sure whether they'll do this so close to the end of his course.

Regardless though you need to stop trying to everything for someone else. He needs to learn to help himself (as much as he wants to). And you wait fix people by doing everything for them. Support (as much as you want to give, and when requested by a partner) is fine. Micromanaging someone because you don't think they can do themselves when they haven't asked for it isn't ok, for you or for them even though it feels like helping.

Just to add people saying you shouldn't marry him is ridiculous. You are both still young and have time to develop and grow. I was like your partner at uni. I have much better strategies for managing now. And I am married. People with ADHD can be married and have good partnerships. Tbh I have to manage my NT partner more than he manages me! We support each other which is as it should be. However, what I would be reluctant to do is marry someone that refuses to help themselves and to take ownership and is accountable for their faults/difficulties. Whatever they are and ADHD or not.

WTF are you supporting this lying man-child? Have you nothing better to be doing with your life?

In case anyone else hasn't said it... life shouldn't be this hard at 22..

Your OP read like a mother writing about her son. That is not a good dynamic for a healthy romantic and sexual partnership that is supposed to last a lifetime.
This is not the type of man you want to saddle yourself with. Or have children with. It all sounds abit grim. Do you have a life outside of him? You seem to dedicate an awful lot of time to enabling him to function like an adult.

‘Word Count Man Baby’
Love it!
haha!
OP, are you his mum?

This is squarely a him problem at this point. Sometimes you have to stop rescuing people and let them learn from their mistakes I'm afraid. He is a grown up and should be dealing with this stuff himself. If I were you, I would back off now and see what he does - it's sink or swim time. How he responds may well inform whether indeed you want to proceed with a wedding at the moment - what you have written so far is not giving off "mature enough to be a husband and take on all of the legal responsibilities that entails" vibes. Remember, it goes both ways - if you are married and then separate, the presumption is 50/50. I imagine from what you have written that you are the sort of person who will want to get a job, work hard, save your earnings towards your future, contribute to a pension etc, once you graduate. Be very careful about marrying someone and committing to sharing that with someone who may just sit around on his bum.

He's felt shame that he couldn't do it, he's buried his head and let this all collapse ontop of him, with 7 days to go. Although I understand what's happened and he's not wanted to seem stupid or not able to do it, this will happen again throughout his working life. I don't know if he's acctually been at the library or not but this is a red flag.

People saying you shouldn't be organising his way out of this, I understand what they mean but I also understand why you are doing it. Its something I would do myself, that said it doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. You have every right to be hurt that hes kept this to himself but it will have been the stigma and shame of admitting he can't do it I think that's caused it.

Don't rush to get married. Get your degrees start work and see how that goes for a few years first.