Help me word this for CF houseguests please!

[historicalweaving]

Friends invited themselves from another country to stay for just over a month. I suggested they stay in hotels for some of it, which they sweetly have done. They are helpful but the constant chit chat, meals, lifts everywhere and general guest stuff is too much. I'm not good at having people to stay at the best of times but I'm finding it stressful and I feel resentful at being used even as a base for their travels.

They are away at moment but when they come back they have about 2 weeks. I'm thinking about asking them to stay out again on their return. How do I word it without sounding off? They could come back for a couple of nights as we have a family thing on their first full day back but I don't really want to host them for the rest of their stay. How would you word it?

“Hi friends - I don’t like hosting, which is really something I should have considered before agreeing to host you, so I’d like you to only have 2 days here for family thing “ should cover it.

Why on earth did you agree?!
They don’t sound “CF” at all 🤨

This is entirely your fault. If you don’t want to host them, don’t agree to it in the first place. Changing your mind half way through their stay, leaving them scrabbling round to find somewhere to go, makes you the CF.

I'm not sure you can now as they won't have factored in the cost of hotels for another two weeks. I wouldn't like that either though, no matter how nice the guests were. I think all you can do is take it as a learn and just say "I'm so sorry but that won't work for me" if something similar crops up in future.

So how long have they actually been with you, if they've already gone away, but still have 2 weeks of a 4 week holiday left?

And how easy will it be for them to find (and pay for) 14 days' accommodation locally at short notice?

Hi [whatever you use to greet your friends].

I love you to bits as you know, but the constant chit chat, meals, lifts everywhere and general guest stuff is too much. I'm not good at having people to stay at the best of times and I'm finding it stressful so I'm not going to be able to host you for the remainder of your stay.

Love @historicalweaving

Tbh I don't think you can. The ship has sailed. The point to enforce boundaries was either before they arrived or, at a push, within a day ir two of arrival.

Whilst I 100% agree that a month is far too long for most people to feel comfortable hosting, so i empathise with you, it's not really OK to push them to stay at a hotel half way through their stay if you've indicated that staying with you for a month is OK. Or, more likely, not been clear that it is not OK.

I'm afraid that I'm on team 'you shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place and you cannot shove them out now'.

With regard to lifts- point them at Uber or car hire.

You’d be so unreasonable to turf them out after agreeing to host them and they’re mid-way through their holiday.

So they’ve already stayed at a hotel for some of it and now they’re away again? How many nights have they actually stayed at yours?

Could one of your other relatives have them for a bit after they come back for the family do?

I think you are committed now but maybe be less accommodating. Stop with the lifts (use public transport/taxis etc), basic meals, suggest other places they may want to visit?

I’d go for:

Hi, unfortunately it’s now not possible for you to stay at mine for the full two weeks of your return. You’re welcome for the weekend you come back, of course.”

Or let them stay, but just do your own thing, no constant meals, chit chat and definitely no lifts.

It’s too late now but you have to shut requests like this down straight away. That sounds like utter hell. I also think it’s cheeky they asked but then you did agree.

Just say ‘sorry we can’t now accommodate you for the full 2 weeks - let me know if you need help finding an air BnB/hotel’ but they may not take too kindly too it since you did agree and they haven’t factored in costs.

You can’t change your mind now but maybe lay down some ground rules

I also think it's too late now. You can't take away their planned accommodation with 2 days notice.

If they're expecting to be based at yours on arrival back from their trip, then I think you have to keep them!
As others say, it's too late to back out half way through. If you genuinely can't bear them could you say you've had a trip planned for months and you bugger off somewhere for the last week? Leaving the rest of your family to look after them? Otherwise you're kind of stuck I think. But no more elaborate meals or lifts. Uber or deliveroo for them or they can go out to eat.
It feels like you're doing a lot, so I understand you are exhausted!

Unless you hate them and want to fall out with them, I'd put up with it for two weeks but just time down your involvement with them.
Don't provide lifts every time.
Tell them to help themselves to food.
Tell them you're ill and going off to have a lie down.

Thank you all. There's a lot I can't explain without outing them. I really didn't get the chance to say no. They booked their tickets then told me knowing it would be inconvenient. They initially said they would book a house in a city but as the time got closer it didn't happen and I just didn't have the time to double check it. Once they arrived I suggested they stay at their hotel a bit longer as I had other commitments.

I live in the sticks so lifts are a necessity sometimes, but have already cut back and will continue to suggest bus, taxi, etc. There are loads of hotels near me so availability is not an issue and they are continuously bragging about how much money they have, how much they make, etc. so cost isn't an issue. But you're right, I need to maintain the friendship and accept that it may be too late to eject them.

My friends irl say to just tell them clearly to stay somewhere else once they get back but I'm working out whether that would be the death knell to the friendship. This is the 3rd time theyve stayed with me and when I suggested that I go to them, one of them found various excuses - I prob wouldn't lodge with them anyway as I prefer to stay in hotels.

Ok, think I need to grit my teeth over those last few days. Actually, good point, I can enlist the help of family members to take them out, etc. hadn't thought of that.

Can you imagine having your holiday disrupted in the middle of it and told you're no longer able to use your accomodation. You can't do this now. You should have said no in the first place or given strict dates they could stay from-til. You will have to put up with it now as it would be incredibly unkind to do it half way through their holiday. Next time try to upfront things so everybody knows where they stand.

You did get the chance to say no. They had time to book things after booking their travel. If they chose to ignore that given plenty of time then that was their problem. However, you've let them in now so can't backtrack half way through. It just wouldn't be fair.

I think you're stuck for this time I'm afraid, but you can be firm next time.

No, you can't stay with me for 4 weeks. I will be free for us to spend some days together here and there, and maybe we could go to X Hotel together for that weekend there, but I cant accommodate you at all, i'm afraid.

No, I'm afraid that doesn't work for me. No, that's not possible.
No, my spare room is not available at all, but I'm REALLY looking forward to our days out together, how do you like the idea of meeting me at THIS restaurant? The menu looks lovely.

They don't sound like good friends so next time say no, like they did to you.

They don’t sound “CF” at all 🤨

Well they do.

Who TF invites themselves to come and stay for a month?!

I wouldn't dream of doing that to friends.

I don't think you can turf them out midway.

Do you work so you could unexpectedly have to "go into the office" so you could go out on the pretence of work but just get away from them to retain your sanity.
Or go round to a family members house as 'she wasn't well' or something.

I know it's not ideal to be going out of your own house all the time but just while they are there if they are doing your head in!

Defo help them plan whole long days out! Drop them at the train station and they can do xyz with a view to 'I can pick you up after 6pm as I'm working before that so you can arrange your own dinner out in town' or whatever.

So they invited themselves, ignored that it wasn't convenient to you, 'forgot' to book accommodation and expect to be hosted.

It's the 3rd time they have stayed with you. They have not hosted you in return and found excuses when you asked.

I really would not be bothered in 'maintaining this friendship at all' - it sounds entirely based on their convenience and wishes with no consideration for you at all.

Deal with this now so they have time to arrange something - call them rather than texting and say that 'you have found it difficult hosting them and will not be able to do so on their return, they will need to find alternative accommodation - perhaps their relatives'.

So they never speak to you again - what have you lost? Apart from another visit from them.

Two weeks - suck it up and do a count down. Don’t ever agree again.