Help me word this for CF houseguests please!

[historicalweaving]

Friends invited themselves from another country to stay for just over a month. I suggested they stay in hotels for some of it, which they sweetly have done. They are helpful but the constant chit chat, meals, lifts everywhere and general guest stuff is too much. I'm not good at having people to stay at the best of times but I'm finding it stressful and I feel resentful at being used even as a base for their travels.

They are away at moment but when they come back they have about 2 weeks. I'm thinking about asking them to stay out again on their return. How do I word it without sounding off? They could come back for a couple of nights as we have a family thing on their first full day back but I don't really want to host them for the rest of their stay. How would you word it?

A family member lives in a major tourist city where accommodation is very pricey so she's had lots of people come to visit. She has started saying to all family that they are welcome to visit for a couple of long weekends during their weeks visiting the country, but she can't host more than 3 nights/4 days at a time and not more than twice during their stay - so a total of 6 nights split up into two different periods. She offers lots of ideas of places to go for all sorts of budgets and ends up enjoying those visits and not feeling resentful.

You are going to have to explain to them that you cannot provide lifts or be tour guides as it interferes with your employment. They may use your guest space as a hotel but that's it.

Let them stay but tell them they will have to do their own thing in terms of travel, and cooking for themselves. They could hire a car if they have loads of money. Also, if you have willing relatives who would host, spread them around. Also, be pushy as to dates when you could make a return stay with them.

How "close" are the friends. Are they your "close" friends or someone else's? Are the "family" (within the context of a different culture or country). It seems they come and go most of the time. What are your expectations in return? Are you likely to visit them on same or similar terms of hospitality? If you are having difficulty with "friends" (however "close" or "family"), then it's worth negotiating a way out with the friends.

Sorry but I'd suck it up you agreed to it and they most definitely didn't budget for a hotel. Just read your updates and I'd still suck it up but never again.

What is CF please?

You do need to grit your teeth and get through it but do not say yes in the future. Even if they’ve already booked and then asked. I agree that they are CFs.

I suggested they stay in hotels for some of it - well seeing as you've already done this, I think it's ok to send a message asking if they'd mind staying in a hotel for some of the rest of it. You can characterise your stress as an illness, it's fine.
Just ask - 'hi friends, hope you've been enjoying your time in X. I'm writing to ask if it would be possible for you to stay in a hotel again for the rest of your time here as I'm not feeling very well at the moment and really need my own space to recover. Hope to see you before you head home.' and see what they say.

Why don’t you find an airBnB and pay for it yourself? You can’t throw them out, even if as you say they have lots of money, as you had agreed to put them up. You can however, pay for their hotel or airbnb stay if you find them irksome, abd you should certainly say no to pickups, and other “lifts”.

I hope U like dogs (insert somethin 2 put them off).
Dog / baby - sitting ...

U HAVE 2 give THEM a reason 2 NOT want 2 stay with U
That way will NOT lose face

I think you need to suck it up for the remainder of their stay and just be a good friend on this occasion.- or you may not have friends by the end of it.
Alternatively, you could book (and pay for,) an extremely nice hotel for them for 2 weeks, with some feeble excuse like "so much going on with me right now, I decided to treat you to somewhere you'd be more comfortable,"
But, in general, I think it's a terrible idea to cancel on your friends like this.
Could you take yourself away for a few days?- say its a work thing and let them have the house to themselves? (Also a bit of a rubbish thing to do!)

cheeky fucket

@Piksi55

Cheeky fucker/s

I had a ‘friend’ from Canada who tried to invite herself to my house every summer for three weeks. After a couple of times of hosting where she proved to be a PITA, we just were not available. The friendship ended, but well, it kind of was a sigh of relief when we didn’t have to deal with it.

you need to set boundaries next time and say, hotel only if they want to come again. A couple days of staying over is fine, a month is not.

Good grief! Just tell them you’re not coping with them staying very well and ask them to stay in hotel from X til Y… giving them maybe only a couple of days at yours.
mits your home, you don’t really need a reason to say no… so next time they text and say they’ve booked a month just say ‘sorry but I can’t have you at mine but would love to meet up for drinks!’ Non of the vague ‘please stay part of it in hotels’ as they just take the piss and book one week of the 4!….
message them and simply say ‘when I said could you stay some of it in hotels I did actually mean most of it!’
With your update stating that they make excuses not to have you stay at theirs I wouldn’t even feel guilty about asking them to stay elsewhere or care if it ended the friendship…. It sounds very one sided and I think I’d be asking myself if you actually get anything out of this friendship…. Sure they ‘used to be’ good friends… but friendships drift apart and I wouldn’t put up CF behaviour just for old times sake!

If you want to maintain the friendship and avoid confrontation I would have a mysterious bug appear that’s taken down some of your family that might be catching

I think at this point it wouldn’t be fair to turf them out, although they do seem inconsiderate.

Time to lay some boundaries though with everything else: “It’s been lovely to see you but I’ve been under a lot of stress lately and I’m not feeling so well. You are still welcome to stay but can I ask that you sort your own meals and lifts etc for the time being? And please don’t be offended if I take same time alone when you’re in the house”. Most decent people would probably take that as a hint to go and stay somewhere else.

If you have any super close family and friends that like hosting, maybe see if they would be happy to take them for a few days to “show them a different part of the country”. Obviously only if this isn’t imposing on them though (my family absolutely adore hosting so I know they would happily do it, but it’s not for everyone!)

House guests are like fish - they go off after 3 days. Remember that for the future and never agree to anyone staying for more than a couple of days at a time (writing this as a displacement activity for cleaning the house in advance of two friends who are coming for two nights and I'm dreading it!)

My first reaction was what a rude, selfish individual you are. Reading your update, I think THEY are the rude, selfish ones NOT you. However, sadly I still don't think there is a good way of asking them to leave, that definately won't offend them. If you really want to "maintain the friendship" put up with them.

Turn it - Make THEM NOT want 2 stay
> Get a cat/dog/ they R UR friends - ( find out ) what WOULD put THEM off wanting 2 stay.
Then later down the line, let them KNOW U HAVE a cat/dog/ the thing that DON`T like - THEY will tell U, disappointed by unfortunately we will have 2 stay somewhere ELSE

I don’t think at this late stage you can hold your friends responsible for your own lack of assertiveness and boundaries. I do appreciate having houseguests can be tricky, but I think what you’re going to have to do is change your mindset to the entire thing to help you get through the two weeks that you have remaining.

ask yourself what reasonable requests you can make so that it goes more smoothly.

That will sound off in any sort of way… would that be possible at all for you to go to a b&b and just tell them you need time alone? But not that they have to go? They can stay what they needed but you are not there :)

Nah they both are. Don't ask to stay at someone's house, if you need accommodation pay for it.

As they've clearly plenty of money and have been hosted at your expense for much of their trip, I suggest you make yourself less available.

Furnish them with :
A list of Taxi/mini cab companies
A bus & train timetable
Phone numbers of family members that have offered to help with their stay
Menus from local pubs and take aways.

Then tell them that you're finding hosting difficult and that as you've limited time for the next 2 weeks (feel free to make up an excuse, work deadlines, study for new process at work perhaps) you'd appreciate they eat out /get takeaway at least on (specific days), and can they taxi/bus/train/family member for transport on (specific days)