Help me word this for CF houseguests please!

[historicalweaving]

Friends invited themselves from another country to stay for just over a month. I suggested they stay in hotels for some of it, which they sweetly have done. They are helpful but the constant chit chat, meals, lifts everywhere and general guest stuff is too much. I'm not good at having people to stay at the best of times but I'm finding it stressful and I feel resentful at being used even as a base for their travels.

They are away at moment but when they come back they have about 2 weeks. I'm thinking about asking them to stay out again on their return. How do I word it without sounding off? They could come back for a couple of nights as we have a family thing on their first full day back but I don't really want to host them for the rest of their stay. How would you word it?

I think it’s too late for this occasion- they’ve already relied on being able to stay with you.

Next time say no.

God yes, this…
The poor sods are not actually doing anything wrong.

these sound the easiest houseguests ever!

I wouldn't say anything to them. Theu wont have budgeted for a hitel amd to theow them out for nothing is ainoly awful behaviour. Its always a challenge having aomeone in your home You only have to cope for a couple of weeks now. Just don't offer again

Well, aside from booking their flights before telling the OP they were coming to stay with her, ie not asking if it would be convenient. And then aside from saying they would book a house in the city - which they have the funds to do as they are wealthy, and brag about their wealth - and then not actually doing so. And aside from foisting themselves for an extended period of time on the OP, who did not invite them, and whose time, energy, and other resources they are eating up. And aside from never being willing to return the favour and host her...

They are marvellous friends!

Indeed!

Poor sods - yeah right.

So what? Of course op could have said no. Instead, she suggested they stay for a period of time in a hotel, then come to her.
Why not just say they need a hotel full stop?

Well, I replied before op’s magnificent drip feed whereby she told us how, actually, these ‘friends’ are quite awful… brag about money, refuse to have op to stay with them…
My reply is the same. Op should have told them that she couldn’t host them for a
month in the first place. She’d had ample time to decide the reason - apparently they have previous for doing the exact thing they’ve done this time.
Quite why op was incapable of telling her ‘friends’ (although she doesn’t seem to like them) that she wasn’t able to host them before they arrived, but has somehow managed to grow the balls to tell them she doesn’t want them to return to her house, half way through their visit is quite… puzzling.

Ahem! Wow @SwingTheMonkey you have many things wrong. It wasn’t that “magnificent drip feed” 🤣 Sheesh, give me a chance. The other 2 times were not like this at all, since I invited them and it was all well planned. The opposite, in fact. They haven’t been bad friends generally before now. I didn’t get the chance for thorough discussion, otherwise I would have noticed where this visit was headed. It’s not about “growing balls” at all. I want to work out what to say, if anything, and a plan for later.

Thanks everyone for ideas & advice!

It was incredible drip feeding. The first page of replies hadn’t gone your way - in response to you basically saying you couldn’t be bothered to have them back, despite you committing to hosting their stay, so you dropped in how awful they were. That they should have stayed elsewhere but didn’t , bragged about their income, refused to have you stay at their place. All these things that apparently weren't important enough to mention in your op.

But you’re now saying they’ve previously been good house guests and aren’t bad friends. As I said - quite puzzling.

It’s true, op…
Total drip feed.

I think it is rude to say people can stay for a certain amount of time and then renege on it. The guests will rightly be upset and will make other arrangements I am sure, but it makes you look like an airhead Host them and learn not to say yes or offer again.

You should re-read my posts. Nowhere do I say they’ve been awful. I was very careful not to, because they’ve been pretty good friends. I mentioned more because there were many questions in posts. It’s nothing to do with posts going “my way” or not, I say in the second post that I am not sure if I should grit my teeth & just get through it.

As an aside, people can be good friends but bad house guests. I even said I didn’t want it to be a knell for the friendship. But they do brag about their income 🤣 That was said because someone asked if it might be too costly for them to stay in a hotel instead.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to change your mind if the arrangement isn’t working.

Hi guys, hope you’re enjoying x! Just looking at schedule for next few weeks we’re going to have a lot on xx–xx, so hotel/airbnb would probably be best those dates. We’re free xx-xx so you’re still more than welcome to stay then! Apologies about the slightly short notice. Hope you’re having fun and look forward to seeing you when you’re back.

Although agree with others, it’s a bit late to change your mind now they’re already there! (Although appreciate several weeks is a bit much!)

This is a good suggestion 😊

I find it strange when I read on Mumsnet that an OP is being taken advantage of by a friend but they're so reluctant to say anything because it may ruin the friendship - firstly why do you want to stay friends so badly and secondly do you not realise they don't care that they're putting you out and possibly ruining the friendship?

I couldn't put up with houseguests for that long. I agree with PPs that it's a bit unfair to spring on them now that they need to find somewhere else
but then it is also odd if they have basically told you they're coming. Can you do anything else like suggest they go out and do their own thing for a few days so ⬆️ have a break?

Depends on how much you want to keep the friendship as you are committed really now. They may not have the money to fund somewhere else and if I were them and was told this then the friendship would be over

Or rather than ‘telling’ them, you could just ask if they would mind or if it might be a possibility? While emphasising that if it causes them difficulty then not to worry.

Please ignore all the posts telling you that you can't possibly make them change their holiday plans for the next two weeks and it would be completely unreasonable of you not to host them for that full time!
They booked their trip, knowing it would be inconvenient for you!
They can afford to increase their budget!

Some phrases to try:

"I'm sorry but I've realised that I'm not going to be able to have you here at my house for the next two weeks. You're welcome to stay until xxxday but after that you'll need to find an alternative place to stay. If you'd asked me before you booked your tickets, I would have been able to warn you that a month long stay at my home wouldn't be possible at this time."

"I have lots of other issues going on in my life right now, and need time and space to deal with those. I've discovered that I can't combine that with having (overnight) guests in the house."

"You've both been great friends to me in the past so I know you'll understand, and not want to make this any harder for me."

"I appreciate you for being considerate and going to that hotel. So I know you won't mind doing that again."

"I enjoy your company but unfortunately can't spare the time right now to really enjoy your visit and spend good quality time with you. Perhaps one day I'll be able to return the favour and come to you instead."

I don’t think you can turn them away but Perhaps you can make your life easier? Eg.,
I’ve washed the sheets so hope you don’t mind making the beds
I’m a bit busy so please help yourselves to breakfast and load the dishwasher ( we have friends who expect table laid, full continental etc)
Sorry, but tonight will just be pizza or, even, sorry we are out tonight but there’s a pizza in the freezer.
You don’t have to sit and chat all evening - say you need an early night or have some emails to catch up on. In years gone by, I used to pretend I had marking to do!

Doesn't sound very reciprocal though for the poor OP

Why haven't they invited her back

Yanbu OP

I agree with the comment about the certain phrases to use

These are good - I particularly like the first one. It reminds them that they never actually asked you.

Sounds like you need to not allow people to just invite themselves over tbh. Set your boundaries.

As you gave your word, you're really obliged to keep it, although it's very understandable that it's all too much. We pay to learn; you've paid and you've learned to say no next time.

Well said.