Help me word this for CF houseguests please!

[historicalweaving]

Friends invited themselves from another country to stay for just over a month. I suggested they stay in hotels for some of it, which they sweetly have done. They are helpful but the constant chit chat, meals, lifts everywhere and general guest stuff is too much. I'm not good at having people to stay at the best of times but I'm finding it stressful and I feel resentful at being used even as a base for their travels.

They are away at moment but when they come back they have about 2 weeks. I'm thinking about asking them to stay out again on their return. How do I word it without sounding off? They could come back for a couple of nights as we have a family thing on their first full day back but I don't really want to host them for the rest of their stay. How would you word it?

If you're forced to accept them back then there are no lifts - they call a taxi, no meals provided - they eat out.

They are not guests, you did not invite them. You are currently spending your money on them through food and petrol.

At that point they might be keener to find alternative rooms.

I had a similar issue with CF visitors a few years ago. They were relatives of my late father and overall very nice kind people but they sure outstayed their welcome like the fish that rots from the neck down!

I don't know what your circumstances are, but I am on my own (hence the space for freeloaders to camp down!). I was totally fed up and exhausted from entertaining them and driving them here there and everywhere, you know the drill.

I was a sneaky so and so, I invented something like my friend needed me to help her out or something like that, and took myself off to a hotel miles away in a nice spot, and had a few days away for each of the two weeks they had left at mine, they were with me for FOUR weeks OMG. I am retired now, and could afford to bail out, and it saved my sanity. One night is all I will do for visitors now and I say it upfront now too.

Your opportunity to say it didn't work for you was the minute they told you!

I’d be happy to suggest car hire / public transport but you have to suck up the hosting now- next time I wouldn’t. I’d probably say something along the lines of it’s been great having you but a juggle with work which I found hard so perhaps just a week next time guys! 😄

Well actually no you don’t need to maintain a friendship with them if this is how they behave. Who the hell books tickets without asking? So cheeky.

This is a huge inconvenience for you and they didn’t ask. I would be happy to loose such a friendship and say they had to stay elsewhere.

Though honestly I would never have allowed this to happen. You needed to have made it very clear that staying with you was not a option.

If you do have them back - then no lifts, be out lots , no cooking, nothing.

You cannot cancel on them mid holiday just because you were a doormat and couldn’t bring yourself to say no initially. Hopefully lesson learned there and you’ll never agree again!

What you can do is give them a heads up now that you’re going to be busy when they return so you won’t be able to help with lifts, and can only do dinner together on 1-2 specific nights so they can make their own plans and book taxis.

I'd tell them that unfortunately you can no longer host for the remainder of their trip but can suggest x y z local hotels, and it would be lovely to see them on XXXX date for a farewell lunch.

They were presumptuous and did not make their plans clear so your goodwill has naturally run out.

You say they also knew it would inconvenience you and have done this before but never have you to stay? They sound like great friends!

If they live anywhere nice I would definitely insist on staying with them before I enforced my no house guests rule. Them: oh that times not great. You; oh I’ll be no trouble and it was a terrible busy time at work when you were visiting, it’s amazing what you can make work when you just want to. So does it work better if I arrive on the Saturday or the Sunday?

dear x I’ve booked to arrive Saturday, looking forward to it so much! Not sure if it’s for 3 weeks or two at this point, I’m still have some planning to do. But work won’t mind so it’s all good.

Yes. This is silly, OP. If they booked tickets and assumed they could stay, you had the opportunity to say no then, before they travelled. You are the person whose inability to be assertive at the appropriate point has landed you in a situation where you’re both getting cross about hosting unwanted guests and telling them they have to stay in hotels because you don’t want them in your house, and worrying about how to ‘word it’. You need to take responsibility for your part in this mess.

Stop being such a total pushover. They couldn't give a damn about your feelings, they really couldn't so put on your hard hat and tell them straight out "You booked this trip without even asking if you could stay with me. In future it would be best if you stayed at hotels when you want to visit. I'm happy for you to stay one more night when you get back from your travels but after that I really need my house back".

I wouldn’t worry about offending them at this stage. They really don’t care about inconveniencing you.

I think you are stuck with them for the rest of their stay, though you will know better for next time.

In the meantime I would make it very clear that you expect them to be out of the house nearly all day for most of the remaining time. So ask for a timetable of their plans so you can think about evening meals ( emphasise evening, you are not feeding them midday). Also make it very clear that you are not available to ferry them around. Arm yourself with bus and train timetables, cab numbers etc. Maybe suggest they visit a few places that would need an overnight stay rather than a day trip. I would also be factoring in a lot of early nights for myself to get some quiet time!

Can you afford to rent somewhere for them for 2 week? Is that headspace worth it? Yes not your responsibility but you know. I had friends like this ..loaded but came to me...i cooked...cleaned..took them places...washed clothes...shopped food. They helped with nothing and i asked if they could walk to shop or contribute, when they laughed it off..i said im serious i cant do it all...theu pulled a face... did it but begrudgingly.. so...next day i told them they had to stay somewhere else...i had rung a bnb 5 miles away with vacancies...so the friends had no excuse.. sent them on their way next day. I was relieved...our friendship is barely there now...once a year card. When i went to theirs it was only for a weekend and id buy food for us all, clean and cook etc...i think they expected it of me took me for granted..they arent my friends. Btw im disabled too and theyre fit as a fiddle

I had voted YABU before reading your second update.
I have a friend whom we allowed under our nose to essentially use our home as a holiday base in London for a few years. It kind of happened gradually.
When the time emerged we were in her home city it was 'inconvenient' to stay, although she mentioned it whenever she was with us.

It's a pain but I THINK I'm with @CocoapuffPuff . Not sure I'd turf them out but maybe keep exploring ways it's possible.

However, definitely stop offering lifts.

I don't think you should kick them out now. That's really not on. You said they could stay and that's what they have done.
The time to tell them they couldn't stay at all, or to lay down exactly how long they could stay, was when they told you they had booked their flights and were coming.
You will have to suck it up for now but you can say that you don't have time to give them lifts all over the place and so they'll need to get the bus or get a taxi.

In future tell them straight off that they can't stay and they will have to make other arrangements.

In future tell them straight off that they can't stay and they will have to make other arrangements.

This!

Oh, could you say- 'oh no, I've just had my new bill from gas/electric and my bill has jumped because of the extra use I'm really sorry but i think if you want to stay next week you're going to have to contribute to utilities. Completely understand if it's easy to get a hotel tho, sorry about this. God these price hikes are no joke!'
It's true- at least for the extra use, and hopefully open enough to be friendly and awkward enough to get them to go to a hotel 🤞
Goodluck!

I think you've got to take the absolute self-inflicted misery of hosting them for the remaining two weeks as your lesson NEVER TO DO THIS AGAIN.

It will be painful, but hopefully when they try to do it next year, the memory will be so grim that your knee-jerk reaction will be a straight, out loud, NO.

Just tell them that you're busy for the rest of the stay so they will need to hire a car and sort their own meals!

Why do you want to maintain this friendship at all when they use you for free accommodation and you don’t appear to like them?

I can see how they are accumulating wealth!

One born every minute and you OP are one of them!

Who TF invites themselves to come and stay for a month?!

No one can invite themselves to stay in your home for a month unless you let them. Whilst it might be the height of rudeness for some to either ask or to assume that's ok, the solution is always in the control of the host.

You have some sympathy from me, OP: I have family in Australia and New Zealand who say 'Can I come and stay for a couple of days?' and then settle in with the intention of staying permanently. I've had to put them on buses and trains after a fortnight to get rid of them before I murder them. So I really do get it.

Given that they're total CFs from the sound of it, and this is the third time they've done something like this, I wouldn't be that bothered about the friendship. Also given the fact that they've wangled their way of out hosting you, I'd suggest they are really thick-skinned and quite difficult to insult. I mean, I wouldn't dream of asking to stay with someone if I'd refused to have them stay with me.

Do they only come to your area because you offer free board, lodging and taxis, OP, or are they in your area for a reason other than that?

I might consider contacting them and saying: 'Something's come up. I can accommodate you for three nights when you get back, but after that you're going to have to find an AirBnB.' Don't go into any details, just looked pained if they ask and say 'It's complicated...'

If they need to be in your area, I'd link to an AirBnB a mile or two away and say 'This looks nice.' If they don't have to be in your area then presumably, once they know they can't stay with you, they can go anywhere — a big city, a few days in Cornwall, whatever. So they'll be out of your hair.

I would not say anything if you want to keep the friendship. Been burned this way before!

You kind of knew it was a bad idea. Just remember this feeling and never do it again!