Partner leaving everything to ex-wife.

[lilajcolls]

A little backstory. Partner and I together for 3 years. He has two kids and I don't have any. He is quite wealthy and I am financially independent - as much as I can be. Obviously have my own job and support myself, don't 'need' anyone. I'm renting my own place in London, but hoping to buy this year or next. (In fact, hoping to buy the place I'm currently renting). He suggested moving in together. Obviously our financial situations are different. He can buy a place outright if he wants to. Whilst I can indeed put down a nice deposit, the places we have in mind are different due to our budgets. I said if we were to go 50/50, it would have to accommodate my budget - which isn't millions, but it's enough for a nice place.

In tandem, he was estate planning (as was I). Everything is going to his ex and his children. He is divorced - and has been for 5 years. We met 1.5 years after his divorce. I asked if there was a financial order in his divorce and if everything was actually finalised. I asked this multiple times to be sure. He said yes. His ex is VERY well taken care of. (Talking many many many millions).

Of course, I do think his children should inherit, but everything I have will be going to him whereas it is not reciprocal at all. When I asked about practical things like where I should locate the paperwork in the event of something happening (as he knows where my paperwork is), his response was: 'Oh, Jane will know and will take care of that! She will know how to handle everything.'

It's become really awkward to talk about as I feel like a 'gold digger' if I ask about what the situation will be, certainly if we live together. I would expect to be on the deed of the house - as I of course, will be paying for it too, but obviously can't risk being homeless in the event of something going badly wrong. Each time I've broached the topic, he evades talking about it.

AIBU to think this is weird?

EDIT: Should have edited the title for full context!

Which presumably is why she received £60 million plus. That was her share of the marital assets.

I’m confused, why would you be homeless? Any house you jointly owned should be split in a way where your interests would be considered, you don’t need to ‘inherit’ from him to secure this.

He can leave his money to whoever he wants, you aren’t married. If I was seeing someone who could support themselves financially I wouldn’t necessarily prioritise them over the mother of my children, even if they got a few quid in the divorce.

What irks you more, his ex wife inheriting or you not inheriting?

He's a con man imho - it all smells fishy to me.

Lila, I think this man is taking you for a ride.

@lilajcolls

I do not understand either why he wouldn't buy outright, but his take is because he's been burned before and had to give his ex-wife the martial home and 50% of his assets. So I think he doesn't want another woman 'after his money'.
If he sees marital assets as 'his money', I'm not sure he's the sort of man I'd want to settle down with anyway.

lots of people want things and get told no.
the question is WHY he is going along with it. you being laidback is irrelevant. this man is hiding some.

Yep. Whatever she wants, she gets. Even as recently as this week (despite the divorce being finalised years ago). That's fine - because that is his choice, but it doesn't logically make sense to me.

But why does she get that just because she wants it? Putting it cynically, what can she do if he chooses to leave his money elsewhere, provided the children are adequately provided for? She can be as stroppy as she likes, once he's dead he won't know or care.

Because she’s the love of his life to be frank. That’s why she gets everything she wants from him.

I feel that she could argue that the children aren't adequately provided for - as that's her argument as it stands now/these days. To be clear, they are adequately provided for. Very very very much so. That's still her £60m aside! (See previous posts). But their present arguments are between them. Not me.

I don't want an ugly fight on my hands in the event of his passing - and to potentially lose a home I've jointly paid for - or be in a position where I'm forced to sell etc... so I'm not going to put myself in that very position - and thus buy on my own.

I’m still confused. So he wants to marry you? And the expectation would be that his current wife gets 0 and exW gets all? Even if, say, exW’s marriage lasted 15 years and current wife’s marriage lasted 30 years?

If you buy a house as joint tenants and he dies, you are the sole owner. If it were tenants in common, then the beneficiaries of his will would inherit his half.

I don't think you sound like a gold digger though. You passing your estate to him but him passing his estate to his ex wife is lop sided and insulting, especially given the funds involved.

You need to have this discussion.

Yep. Makes sense, doesn't it? Madness. 😂

I am in a similar situation (not that wealthy though we can only afford a bigger flat in a very nice location together).
His children (over 20yo) do not like me (long story- bitter divorce, even though we met after it was completed apparently they thought there were still a chance of parents getting back together which did not happen because of me- partner does not agree with it)
There is no way I am getting both of our names on the contract.
I heard and seen more than enough- even if he is on the contract and the sole beneficiary of the property will be me (or you in that case) they can still try to fight it in court if they wish to do so.
The property will be in my sole name or not bought together at all.

You never know what is going to happen- better be safe than sorry.

Does she know about you? That was a pretty stupid thing for him to agree to. I can only assume he left her and that was his guilt talking? Otherwise, I don't think they understand what being divorced means.

I wouldn't marry him, nor buy a house with him. I'd buy alone and look else where for a relationship. He is not 100 percent committed to you, as he doesn't seem to care what happens to you after his death! He clearly is not the one for you.

Yes. She does know about me. But apparently the agreement was made whilst they were getting divorced. Yes, he did leave her.

I met him long after his divorce was finalised (in case anyone was wondering if I was some 'other woman' or some crap like that). He also dated someone prior to me, so I'm not the first post-divorce relationship. Apparently, the first woman he dated post-divorce wanted children with him. He said no. Besides, the ex-wife was 'unimpressed' with his first girlfriend post-divorce and called her a 'gold-digger' - so I feel like she's determined to have everything on her terms and is digging her heels in even more RE: money/houses.

It just all seems like an enmeshed mess between them. As I have the freedom to buy on my own, I don't want/need anything from anyone (and as an adult, why would I?)

There's something really not right here - even if you take the money and inheritance out of things.

• He doesn't treat you as an equal partner
• He appears very enmeshed with his ex
• His ex wife determines whether or not he can have more children (suspect he is in agreement but even so!). I know you don't want them but imagine if you did
• There's a lot of information that he hasn't shared with you

Everything screams you are "for now" not "forever".

Are you sure you are happy in this relationship?

Ha! We were typing the same sentiments at the same time!

@trickotreat well he seems keen on gifting her every penny he owns once he passes.
Yes she did get money 'off him'. Sorry if you think that sounds like something from the Victorian era but it's true.

It wasn't his money though was it. It was their money

It sounds like you're going to be gaining a stepwife. 😬

That's a lot of baggage. I don't think I could be bothered having that hanging over my relationship. You definitely seem bright, so hopefully you understand what you are getting into if you decide to proceed.

His ex could meet someone else who could spend all the money. I don't understand him.. normal to leave it to your kids but not to your ex. If he sees himself living with you and building a life with you, he should 100% want to make sure you were looked after, after his death.

I posted at the beginning and am going to repeat after your update: he's hiding something from you.

A man of your partner's age with this much money would have been advised in the strongest possible times, many times, by his lawyers and accountants, never to agree to a term like "you'll only ever leave money to me and these children, and never have more children".

In fact, and please research yourself, an agreement in this circumstance not to have more children isn't legally enforceable, and arguably neither is signing over all future earnings.

Please trust that I know what I'm talking about.

It suits HIM to tell you this is what he's agreed to. He can abrogate all duty to you by bullshitting you like this. His ex-wife, to whom he will be tied for the rest of his life via their children, is an easy person to "blame" it on. She won't even know about this - because it doesn't exist, because it's not possible for it to exist.

He's a sly and dishonest bugger. I find this whole saga a tall tale, but stranger things have happened so who knows. Up to you whether you fall for it.