Partner leaving everything to ex-wife.

[lilajcolls]

A little backstory. Partner and I together for 3 years. He has two kids and I don't have any. He is quite wealthy and I am financially independent - as much as I can be. Obviously have my own job and support myself, don't 'need' anyone. I'm renting my own place in London, but hoping to buy this year or next. (In fact, hoping to buy the place I'm currently renting). He suggested moving in together. Obviously our financial situations are different. He can buy a place outright if he wants to. Whilst I can indeed put down a nice deposit, the places we have in mind are different due to our budgets. I said if we were to go 50/50, it would have to accommodate my budget - which isn't millions, but it's enough for a nice place.

In tandem, he was estate planning (as was I). Everything is going to his ex and his children. He is divorced - and has been for 5 years. We met 1.5 years after his divorce. I asked if there was a financial order in his divorce and if everything was actually finalised. I asked this multiple times to be sure. He said yes. His ex is VERY well taken care of. (Talking many many many millions).

Of course, I do think his children should inherit, but everything I have will be going to him whereas it is not reciprocal at all. When I asked about practical things like where I should locate the paperwork in the event of something happening (as he knows where my paperwork is), his response was: 'Oh, Jane will know and will take care of that! She will know how to handle everything.'

It's become really awkward to talk about as I feel like a 'gold digger' if I ask about what the situation will be, certainly if we live together. I would expect to be on the deed of the house - as I of course, will be paying for it too, but obviously can't risk being homeless in the event of something going badly wrong. Each time I've broached the topic, he evades talking about it.

AIBU to think this is weird?

EDIT: Should have edited the title for full context!

OP if the house is jointly owned, you would automatically receive it on death. Only if tenants in common would a Will direct ownership elsewhere.

You keep your finances to yourself.
Remake your will to keep everything you have “in the family.” Leave your estate to your own flesh and blood.

Let him do what he likes with his.

You can always change things later, but for now, follow your own path and don’t feather anyone else’s nest. Just don’t.

I agree; it may well be the case that his exW is indeed the beneficiary but he is portraying himself as some sort of helpless pawn - IMO there is no way a man of his wealth who sold a multi-multimillion business does not have a wealth advisor or accountant. The exW is his excuse. He just doesn’t want to share.

Sounds a lot of drama and unnecessary complications in a relationship. You are young. I would throw this one back and look for someone who treats you better. You deserve more.

“As it stands now, our expenses are ok to be split evenly regarding dinners, outings, vacations etc.”

It is exhausting to think of having to constantly go Dutch with a gazillionaire or risk being called a “gold digger”. Just so many hang ups here around money and trust, I think this situation is doomed, or at least would require major course correction. You deserve a real partnership with someone who actually wants to be your family, and might even be gallant enough to take you out to dinner.

Neither he nor his children need your money. Please leave it to your sister. Many families who adopt need resources to support their children with trauma therapies etc and many adoptive parents can't work full time. Sounds like your sibling would benefit far more than your partner.

Also, huge red flag to leave to ex wife.

You say that honesty and transparency is a big part of a relationship. You're right. But he is being transparent with you. He's telling you that he is leaving his money to his ex wife and children and with you he wants you both to keep financial independence. You just don't like what you're hearing.

I'm assuming that if his ex wife has 60m then he has at least that or more. It makes no sense that he's not prepared to spend any of that on having a lovely life with you and securing your future if anything happened to him. It would be a tiny proportion of that money. Either it's all smoke and mirrors or a huge red flag to steer clear.

Keep your finances separate, buy your own place, and enjoy the relationship for what it is or walk away.

Oh gosh OP, I'm in a similar situation (have a multi millionaire partner) BUT I'm keeping things completely independent. And yes he pays for most things. This man of yours is a cheapskate and sorry but I don't think he loves you by what you say.

I would throw him back. You are NOT a gold digger but if you want to stay you sit him down and explain HE has to pay for the house, YOU buy your own AND you get a right to reside in his home until you die.

I'm annoyed on your behalf

Seems there's been a swift turn around. Funny that.

@StormingNorman each to their own. But I like things pretty separate. I don't have kids and am not legally married though. But never will be out of choice. I guess if each person was equally financially wealthy independently then a divorce would seem less like one 'getting something' off the other.

It all sounds ridiculous

to “prove” You are not a gold digger you must give up any idea of owning your own property and he will never even buy you as coffee and you must painstakingly split everything down to the penny. It sounds so miserable. Every single time you go out he will be keeping score

it would be much more fun to date someone on a similar income to yourself!

I've been following your thread but not commenting. Every time I see an update come up it triggers me! I think cheeky fuckers
1, that she dictates if he can have other children and what he does with his money. He's the father of her children and that's it.
2, He goes along with her demands and puts that above all else.
Of course he provides for childen but I couldn't handle the rest of it.
I'd walk away and be someone else's priority, best of luck.

It actually sounds like he has chosen you for his ex. It's not just random chance that he has fallen for you, but rather you tick her boxes (independently wealthy, not wanting children, accepting of coming second) so you were worth pursuing.

Voila! Didn't see your earlier comment. 100% what you say. I am a lawyer which I suspect you too are.

What I cannot understand is why OP is intent on wasting her time on this scammer. Only she knows.

Yup, he sounds exactly like a few rich divorced men who are bitter from divorce, invent a narrative to feed new partner and stick with it. I like his energy and determination to keeping his narrative. I would feel insulted. I also don't need anyone's home/money. I would also be surprised if this wedding ever takes place- they are always the one to propose this, that (to keep the poor soul hooked) and then bail.

That makes a lot of sense.

@lilajcolls in the immortal words of Princess Diana, there are three of you in this relationship.

I am so pleased you are buying on your own and updating the will. You sound smart, savvy, strong snd you’ll make the right decisions for you. But YANBU to be miffed that your future and long term security are compromised.

He shouldn’t be talking about gold digging with you three years in. Understandably, it would be a concern in the early days but now it comes across as controlling and insulting. He’s trying to train you like Pavlov’s dog. Rewarding you for not asking for anything.

Marriage is exciting, but part of your build up will include a pre-nup that gives you nothing and estate planning to write a new will that specifically disinherits you. That would pop my bubble.

So after all this does he understand why you don’t want to mix your finances with his?

If you marry then it doesn’t matter any way as it will be yours in any event

Unless he makes up sign a prenup, the house won’t be taken from under your feet

That isn't correct. He can make a will after marriage and it will depend how the house is purchased.

So it’s the same as if you are marrying a penniless man then who will never own anything.
Everything he has is financially contracted to ex wife.
The will you can’t even see may include half of the furniture and half of your car and other assets etc that you need to pay off.
I think you’d be better off with a moderately successful supportive 30 something husband that you can build a life with.

did this need to be said?! op clearly is determined to remain attached to this scammer on the account of being independent, financially secure etc. i would be embarrassed a man i am planning to marry thinks so little of me and i am just a box ticking exercise by him. but maybe self respect etc etc are not high on her agenda.

Agreed. @lilajcolls you seem to be aware that the whole scenario doesn't make sense, and aware that your partner is in an enmeshed relationship with his ex wife, but seem to still want a relationship with him, possibly even marry him. I find that impossible to understand - he sounds absolutely awful and penny-pinching in your everyday lives. If you were my relative or friend I'd be very worried about you.

Determined to remain attached? Are we reading the same thread?

This is so weird. Id be interested to hear why he left his first wife and what he thought he wanted from a new relationship. It sounds like he feels guilty for walking out on his family so tried to make up for it with the ongoing financial arrangements. There’s obviously no issue for him to be supporting his kids but the ex-wife is using that to manipulate him. If anything, she’s the gold-digger in this scenario!

The issue is that he’s letting this happen at the expense of his relationship with the OP. The whole thing is clouded by the money issue. He’s worried about gold-diggers and OP is going out of her way to prove that she isn’t one. If the relationship is to progress, the money issue needs to be resolved. He will need to accept that the OP isn’t in it for the money (which she clearly isn’t) but that seems unlikely to happen. I wouldn’t be surprised if the ex-wife is in his ear contributing to this fear of someone being after his money - the irony is that it’s her who is actually money-grabbing.

If he hasn’t accepted that she’s not a gold-digger three years into the relationship and with her splitting everything 50:50, then he never will. OP, I’d throw this one back. You have worked hard to be independent and it seems like you are looking for a proper partner in life and this man is unlikely to be it. He’s got too many unresolved issues and I doubt he’ll ever fully commit to a new relationship.

She’s more or less said she is probably going to ditch him and she’s buying her own property. She’s hardly making a fool of herself clinging on to him.