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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner leaving everything to ex-wife.

424 replies

lilajcolls · 16/05/2024 19:22

A little backstory. Partner and I together for 3 years. He has two kids and I don't have any. He is quite wealthy and I am financially independent - as much as I can be. Obviously have my own job and support myself, don't 'need' anyone. I'm renting my own place in London, but hoping to buy this year or next. (In fact, hoping to buy the place I'm currently renting). He suggested moving in together. Obviously our financial situations are different. He can buy a place outright if he wants to. Whilst I can indeed put down a nice deposit, the places we have in mind are different due to our budgets. I said if we were to go 50/50, it would have to accommodate my budget - which isn't millions, but it's enough for a nice place.

In tandem, he was estate planning (as was I). Everything is going to his ex and his children. He is divorced - and has been for 5 years. We met 1.5 years after his divorce. I asked if there was a financial order in his divorce and if everything was actually finalised. I asked this multiple times to be sure. He said yes. His ex is VERY well taken care of. (Talking many many many millions).

Of course, I do think his children should inherit, but everything I have will be going to him whereas it is not reciprocal at all. When I asked about practical things like where I should locate the paperwork in the event of something happening (as he knows where my paperwork is), his response was: 'Oh, Jane will know and will take care of that! She will know how to handle everything.'

It's become really awkward to talk about as I feel like a 'gold digger' if I ask about what the situation will be, certainly if we live together. I would expect to be on the deed of the house - as I of course, will be paying for it too, but obviously can't risk being homeless in the event of something going badly wrong. Each time I've broached the topic, he evades talking about it.

AIBU to think this is weird?

EDIT: Should have edited the title for full context!

OP posts:
OnGoldenPond · 17/05/2024 20:24

Can't understand why you are leaving anything to someone you have known such a short time and who you aren't living with or financially linked with in any way. Plus he very clearly doesn't need your money! I'd be leaving it to family who may need it more.

It's very clear that he doesn't see your relationship in the same way you do and, in fact, is still tied up emotionally with his ex. Please don't think about moving in with him. Keep your financial independence, buy your own flat and, ideally, end this relationship so you can find someone who can commit to you. You deserve better than this.

Marchingonagain · 17/05/2024 20:26

Is his ex-wife even saying this stuff? It’s all a bit wizard of oz - like there’s some puppet he can blame for unpopular decisions that he himself actually wants to make. I’m sure there’s a better analogy than wizard of oz but my mind’s gone blank

Gagaandgag · 17/05/2024 20:29

and therefore don't feel like I have any valid role in his life.

I think* *it’s absolutely time to move on Op. Honestly, you can do better than this. You can have a relationship where you feel valued and a proper partnership: you will forever feel the third wheel. I urge you to move on. I wouldn’t be happy with this, however much I loved someone.

Original poster
lilajcolls · 17/05/2024 20:33

The agreement regarding no further children was not in writing nor is it something that can be legally enforced by any means. It's also a moot point in that I don't want to have children, but yes - open to that changing/froze my eggs etc... it's more just that she has this control over him - and the fact that he's either being shady or a doormat is beyond unattractive.

Yes, he really is that wealthy. No, I don't think he's the 'Tinder Swindler'. Everything checks out in terms of wealth and numbers - and because of our joint background in a certain field, I know more than most would/can verify more than the average Google search.

However; I'm not blind to the fact that men can very easily lay the blame at the 'crazy ex's' door. It's always the convenient option. I'm not blinded by money, but I do want transparency (certainly given that he wanted to buy a place and move in together - not me) - and if I can't have that transparency - or if my life is beholden by an ex-wife and/or a doormat of a man, I'm not interested.

As I said in my previous posts, I'm forging ahead with my own plans - which is to buy on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
lilajcolls · 17/05/2024 20:35

I have to say, still laughing at the notion of being deemed/seen as a 'gold-digger' for wanting transparency on what the situation would be if he were to pass away and we jointly owned/paid for a property together! I must be the world's meekest gold-digger!😂

OP posts:
Original poster
lilajcolls · 17/05/2024 20:38

I definitely think there's more to the situation between them that I'm not partial to. Not so much the legitimacy regarding the wealth - but more their actual deranged setup.

As I'm financially stable and astute and don't need him - nor do I have 'baggage' or potential drama to 'look forward to' - I can, quite frankly, very easily choose to not have 'this' in my life - and my life wouldn't change - as it still would be a great life.

OP posts:
OnGoldenPond · 17/05/2024 20:45

Marchingonagain · 17/05/2024 20:26

Is his ex-wife even saying this stuff? It’s all a bit wizard of oz - like there’s some puppet he can blame for unpopular decisions that he himself actually wants to make. I’m sure there’s a better analogy than wizard of oz but my mind’s gone blank

Rod Hull and Emu? Grin

Those not as ancient as me might need to Google that!

Mirabai · 17/05/2024 21:00

lilajcolls · 17/05/2024 20:35

I have to say, still laughing at the notion of being deemed/seen as a 'gold-digger' for wanting transparency on what the situation would be if he were to pass away and we jointly owned/paid for a property together! I must be the world's meekest gold-digger!😂

Or the world’s most reasonable.

Original poster
lilajcolls · 17/05/2024 21:04

Mirabai · 17/05/2024 21:00

Or the world’s most reasonable.

Show quote history

As screwed up as this sounds, I'd love for him to date a 'real' gold-digger. He'd be in for a treat(!) So would the ex. I'd grab the popcorn.

But lest we forget, I'm the 'problem'...! 😂

OP posts:
FredsRoses · 17/05/2024 21:05

A couple of questions for you OP:

Have you actually met his ex?

Are you going to dump him now?

I'm glad you've decided to buy on your own, and have changed, or are planning on changing your Will, - make sure you do it a.s.a.p. as you never know what's around the corner.

To me this whole set up seems extremely weird, and personally, I wouldn't be wasting any more time on him, unless of course he's great in the sack and you can use him in the same way that he's using you!😂

CheekyHobson · 17/05/2024 21:05

lilajcolls · 17/05/2024 21:04

As screwed up as this sounds, I'd love for him to date a 'real' gold-digger. He'd be in for a treat(!) So would the ex. I'd grab the popcorn.

But lest we forget, I'm the 'problem'...! 😂

Show quote history

You don’t really sound like you like him that much?

Original poster
lilajcolls · 17/05/2024 21:10

CheekyHobson · 17/05/2024 21:05

You don’t really sound like you like him that much?

Show quote history

I actually do/did - but I've lost respect for him. It's one thing to have a family and to want to protect that. So on that; I applaud him.

But another thing to never really/truly be in another relationship - because of being secretive/a doormat to his ex - given this setup that no-one can seem to make sense of.

To then praise me for being financially independent/astute, but also somewhat indirectly instructing me that I'm not to ever ask for anything... even the right to live in a home that I've jointly paid for...?

Safe to say I've lost a lot of respect/trust in him.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 17/05/2024 21:13

Safe to say I've lost a lot of respect/trust in him.

@lilajcolls

Fair enough, I would too. He doesn't sound like someone I would consider as a long-term partner.

Littlestminnow · 17/05/2024 21:14

lilajcolls · 17/05/2024 21:10

I actually do/did - but I've lost respect for him. It's one thing to have a family and to want to protect that. So on that; I applaud him.

But another thing to never really/truly be in another relationship - because of being secretive/a doormat to his ex - given this setup that no-one can seem to make sense of.

To then praise me for being financially independent/astute, but also somewhat indirectly instructing me that I'm not to ever ask for anything... even the right to live in a home that I've jointly paid for...?

Safe to say I've lost a lot of respect/trust in him.

Show quote history

Good. He doesn't deserve either your trust or respect. He sounds like a pound shop Logan Roy.

Littlestminnow · 17/05/2024 21:15

Also, what's the point of all that wealth if it isn't making him or you happy?

Original poster
lilajcolls · 17/05/2024 21:20

Littlestminnow · 17/05/2024 21:15

Also, what's the point of all that wealth if it isn't making him or you happy?

... it's making his ex happy. 😂

OP posts:
Mirabai · 17/05/2024 21:34

lilajcolls · 17/05/2024 21:04

As screwed up as this sounds, I'd love for him to date a 'real' gold-digger. He'd be in for a treat(!) So would the ex. I'd grab the popcorn.

But lest we forget, I'm the 'problem'...! 😂

Show quote history

It would rather serve him right.

Bs0u416d · 17/05/2024 21:34

lilajcolls · 17/05/2024 17:01

It just all seems like an enmeshed mess between them. As I have the freedom to buy on my own, I don't want/need anything from anyone (and as an adult, why would I?)

Show quote history

Because this is a normal part of being in a relationship, an element of codependency.

Original poster
lilajcolls · 17/05/2024 21:37

Bs0u416d · 17/05/2024 21:34

Because this is a normal part of being in a relationship, an element of codependency.

Show quote history

Sure - within reason. Another normal part of being in a relationship is honesty and transparency. If that's not on the table, then I'd rather be on my own.

OP posts:
Bs0u416d · 17/05/2024 21:37

Bs0u416d · 17/05/2024 21:34

Because this is a normal part of being in a relationship, an element of codependency.

Show quote history

And whilst I'm at it. Why on earth are things 50/50? That's so boring limiting. It will only breed resentment on both sides long term. For the longest time, I earned a lot more than my DP and I happy fronter the cost of business class flights so I didn't have to fly economy or the expense to taster menus at fancy places too because we both enjoyed it. Why isn't he?

lemonstolemonade · 17/05/2024 21:38

I'd imagine that this guy feels bad for leaving a woman who is close to his own age and perhaps he also behaved badly when they were married? He is in prime parental alienation risk territory and realises that he doesn't want to put the effort in for another family, so his kids with his ex are all he has.

All sounds unhealthy and as if he might not respect you enough to see that you need to be a person with agency to plan your life, not live as his hanger on.

I'd kick him into touch. You sound like a catch and will easily find another bloke who has less baggage.

Abi86 · 17/05/2024 21:51

So…what happens if you marry this man and you get ill? You can’t work? You need caring for? Will he take care of you?

what happens when you both age? With the age disparity, it’s likely you will need to assist him or will it be his ex wife who feeds him and buys the groceries?

it’s a shit fight and quite frankly I’d be tempted to leave him to it …with his ex wife.

cantwait4orsummer · 17/05/2024 22:08

once you're remarried, isn't previous Will becomes invalid?

partygate · 17/05/2024 22:11

it sounds like he’s miserly and is conditioning you to accept this. It is wholly manipulative to allow you draft a will which leaves everything to him knowing he has no interest in providing parity. This frequent chat of ‘gold digger’ and him being taken advantage of previously is to ensure you doubt yourself and don’t challenge him.

I don’t believes a man who so closely monitors his spending on you and wants everything 50/50 despite his immense wealth is so open to paying hand over fist to his ex wife.

This is not the man for you. There is no kindness there. He only thinks of himself and is happy to prejudice your financial security

ohthejoys21 · 17/05/2024 22:33

"Sure - within reason. Another normal part of being in a relationship is honesty and transparency. If that's not on the table, then I'd rather be on my own."

Are you going to end it then op?