Partner leaving everything to ex-wife.

[lilajcolls]

A little backstory. Partner and I together for 3 years. He has two kids and I don't have any. He is quite wealthy and I am financially independent - as much as I can be. Obviously have my own job and support myself, don't 'need' anyone. I'm renting my own place in London, but hoping to buy this year or next. (In fact, hoping to buy the place I'm currently renting). He suggested moving in together. Obviously our financial situations are different. He can buy a place outright if he wants to. Whilst I can indeed put down a nice deposit, the places we have in mind are different due to our budgets. I said if we were to go 50/50, it would have to accommodate my budget - which isn't millions, but it's enough for a nice place.

In tandem, he was estate planning (as was I). Everything is going to his ex and his children. He is divorced - and has been for 5 years. We met 1.5 years after his divorce. I asked if there was a financial order in his divorce and if everything was actually finalised. I asked this multiple times to be sure. He said yes. His ex is VERY well taken care of. (Talking many many many millions).

Of course, I do think his children should inherit, but everything I have will be going to him whereas it is not reciprocal at all. When I asked about practical things like where I should locate the paperwork in the event of something happening (as he knows where my paperwork is), his response was: 'Oh, Jane will know and will take care of that! She will know how to handle everything.'

It's become really awkward to talk about as I feel like a 'gold digger' if I ask about what the situation will be, certainly if we live together. I would expect to be on the deed of the house - as I of course, will be paying for it too, but obviously can't risk being homeless in the event of something going badly wrong. Each time I've broached the topic, he evades talking about it.

AIBU to think this is weird?

EDIT: Should have edited the title for full context!

I might be being thick here, so please excuse me, but surely if you did get married he wouldn't be able to leave everything to his ex-wife - as his "current" wife YOU would automatically be entitled to his estate - the new marriage would void the old Will? Pre-nups are very hard to enforce in the UK, from what I understand (IANAL), so I can't get my head around him simultaneously wanting to get married AND leave everything to his ex?

Has he had a vasectomy? Because if he's ever having sex again, that is the ONLY way he can guarantee not to have any more children.

Voice of reason.

I think the fact that he is willing to adhere to a demand by his ex-wife that only she and her children inherit any money or property he currently owns, or ever WILL own, basically craters any chance of you having a real future with him. Every time you spend a penny as a couple, you'll have to analyze whether it's your penny or his penny, and who should get it back if it earns a profit, and so on. You mentioned that you don't want to be in a situation where you would have nowhere to live if he passed away, but it's bigger than that. It's the issue of if you invested in a house together, she would always be watching over it like a vulture to make sure you didn't take the equity in it to which she feels she's entitled. You would always have a target on your back, of a moneyed, powerful woman, and of even the (also moneyed and powerful) man you love, having this shady, subtextual motive of ensuring they get the most money out of you that they can, and ensuring he doesn't spend any of his own money on you, lest it threaten her inheritance. If he bought you an engagement ring, would she demand it back after he died? Would he limit your holidays together to inexpensive holidays so that he doesn't have to pay so you can afford to go with him? Is that why you rarely go out together to restaurants as a couple? And what if you accidentally become pregnant? Is he going to demand you abort, because he promised his ex to never have more children? Or is he going to shrug and tell you that you promised not to get pregnant and that you're going to be raising the child without his support?

Frankly it just sounds like a sad, limited, risky life for you. He may feel love for you in some sense, but either he doesn't really love you, or he has some odd relationship with his ex that has driven him to back himself into a corner, where he isn't allowed to act justly towards any future partner. That's his problem but it's only your problem if you stay with him.

I'll also say, I'm glad you had an open discussion but it bothers me that you were made to feel like a gold digger just for wanting to know the financial terms that your fiancee was demanding around asking you to move in with him and put your savings into his house. He expected you to put YOUR (comparatively modest, I am sure) savings into a house without knowing whether or not you'd ever be able to get them back out or even if you'd ever be left homeless! He may be a nice person who is just unable to stand up to his ex, but his behavior towards you is that of a User.

Exactly this

Personally, I think you need to find someone who will love and value you more than his money and ex-wife.

There are way too many red flags blowing in the wind. I hope you have fixed your will and stay strong about not buying a house with this man.

I have heard of the need for guys to cut the apron strings with their mothers, but to need to cut the apron strings with the ex-wife. That's a whole new kind of weird.

I would just say “I’m sorry, but until you feel ready to have a pragmatic conversation with me about any future inheritance of a shared property, I don’t think it makes sense for me to consider making such a significant joint purchase with you”.

Regardless of the fact that you don’t need or want his money, he should want to give you something/ know you were taken care of in the event of his death.
He’s very clearly showing you what you mean to him… and it’s not a lot.

I think the fact that he is willing to adhere to a demand by his ex-wife that only she and her children inherit any money or property he currently owns, or ever WILL own, basically craters any chance of you having a real future with him. Every time you spend a penny as a couple, you'll have to analyze whether it's your penny or his penny, and who should get it back if it earns a profit, and so on
Exactly this by @aloris .

Not only that, she’s commanded him not to have any more children and despite being an incredibly grasping, very very wealthy woman, she doesn’t want him to have a relationship with a “gold digger”. And he apparently said “ok Jane”. So he’s happy to prioritise his EX wife over any future partner. It’s absolutely bizarre.

What would happen if he did have another child? Would he be happy to leave that child absolutely nothing?

Frankly they sound as despicable as each other. I can’t believe you’re even considering staying with him knowing all this.

I'm sorry OP but there is no way his story (bonkers as it already is) is the whole one, or the truthful one. He's hiding something. She must have something damning on him. There is no way any half intelligent man would agree to this (legally unenforceable) bollocks in the first place, let alone carry on with it years after just because of guilt at leaving her.

@trickotreat That's the way you see it.
If someone divorces their partner, who has a lot more money than them personally, then when they are granted money in a divorce I would phrase that as getting money off someone. I can't see how that's an unusual or offensive turn of phrase?
It's beside the point anyway.
He's clearly up to something bizarre bc his actions and behaviours simply don't make sense.

Yep buy on your own. Absolutely no way would I share an asset with a man who is a walking red flag (or doormat)

This.

I think he's done quite a number on you by talking about gold diggers. That means he gets away without acting like a partner in any real sense and you feel like you can't have an opinion on his completely bizarre relationship with his ex wife and plans to leave you no inheritance even if you're married 30 years.

If something happened and he lost all his money, can you imagine doing the same to him as he is doing to you?

This makes sense.

He's a sly and dishonest bugger

Isn't he just!!

All I can say at this point is to repeat my earlier advice...

Don't hitch your wagon to this guy.

Because you WILL regret it.

How very odd.

In you, OP he's technically found the perfect future partner.

You don't want children and have no interest in his money being financially secure (albeit at a different level) yourself.

All you are asking is that if you buy a joint property you can live in it for your lifetime and dispose your half share of the property as you see fit. His children would inherit their share on your demise (though let's face it that's going to be peanuts compared to what they would have already been bequeathed by both parents).

Perfectly reasonable.

I'd be questioning the whole relationship in this light.

Of course your choice and good for you for planning to buy your own property (sensible) but this whole set up would just give me the irevcoverable ick.

I the in you could be right although nothing stopping him writing a new will after the wedding.

So OP - You said you got into it - what did he say?
Did he says that even though you'd be family he's unwilling to provide for you now and when he passes?
Not that you need it - but he says his estate goes to his family - you would be family.

I would but on the same street - have the relationship if you enjoy it but I would definitely be looking for husband material in the interim.

Even then isn't that new will irrelevant since she would be the wife?

She knew what she was securing for her children.

I knew a similarly wealthy woman who had the entire marital estate (husband’s money in reality) split into equal part for husband and kids before she died.

I’m sorry it’s affecting you though. You weren’t the second wife she had in mind when she brokered this.

OP you need to walk away.
I think he's a tight arsed Wozerk.

A poor man who'd give you his last penny is the one you want. 'Marry a rich man and earn it every day'.

I posted up thread about my millionaire friend in London. Still kept by her ex husband for his guilt of not having children. She was too old when he left her.
I didn't want children. I had two at 33/37. They are everything to me. You might change your mind for a lovely man. You are only 35.
You are not a mail order bride. You have your profession, money and some time. Join a dating agency if you want soneone to check out potential matches.
And read Jane Fallon's book 'just got real'. It's about a male gold digger. Very clever and it happened to another friend of mine. He's not worked for ten years.

.

You can disinherit your spouse in the UK. He can also get a pre-nup.

You don’t buy into the MN “family pot” theory?

Repeated or truth. This supposed legal agreement with his ex sounds like an absolute fantasy.

All this talk of 'millions'. I bet he's the tinder swindler.