To feel this was inappropriate of childminder?

[Porpoising]

My 1 year old goes to a childminder 3 days a week Wednesday - Friday.

Wednesdays I have a meeting so pick her up 530. Thursdays I stay a bit later to plan and get organised, so similar pick up time. Fridays I pick her up a bit earlier at around 4.

Childminder has told me that it’s upsetting for my daughter to be the ‘last one’ and she feels she would benefit from me trying to get her a bit earlier. I’m really upset by it. AIBU?

So what's the parent actually supposed to do about it?

Personally, I think that’s the sensible view. Someone does have to be last and the child and childminder need to make the best of it

To be honest, being a parent of very young children is really hard. Some people have a lot of support which can make it easier but if you don’t (and in fact even if you do) taking twenty minutes to breathe and have a moment of calm really doesn’t make you an unfit parent, in fact it is the exact opposite.

who knows? speak to boss and suggest come in 15 mins early and leave early esrly
or perhaps parent has option of working through lunch

point is - presumably the CM doesn’t know ins and outs of how much flex the OP gets. All the CM was doing was giving the OP information. What the OP chooses to do or indeed even could do with that informaron is her business

Yeah cos that would work for a teacher (which it sounds like OP is). Oh my class can just start and finish early and my contracted staff meeting can just finish early for me.

Or the CM could work with the child and do something nice with them and soon they wouldn't be distressed if they ever were at being last.

It depends on the age and emotions of the child. I have an 18 month old who knows the order people leave in. If it changes she gets distressed so I have to prepare her well in advance and slowly she's getting better but 3 months of distress at home time hasn't been nice for her or parents. Similarly an older ASD child refuses to leave if another is still there because they know they go after x.
If your child is upset don't you want to know? Is it wrong for her to suggest something?

Are you arriving within your contracted times or are you late collecting?

But she's NOT LATE from work
She's arriving at the time the child is booked in till

Is it wrong for her to suggest something?

No one is saying it's wrong to make suggestions but the suggestion made is simply come earlier which is naturally not going to be an option for 99% of parents.

Are you arriving within your contracted times or are you late collecting?

Why would she be late collecting? She's clearly picking her child up within the time she's paying. Some days she picks up earlier but that doesn't mean she is late collecting on the other days, she's just later, there's a very specific difference.

They definitely do why would you think they don't get excited at words like mummy is here....not understanding mummy is xs not theirs (or should no other child be told that their mummy is at the door?) or that the routine is x goes then me and y stays....if I start setting chairs out for snack my 1 year old goes straight to their chair and sits waiting

Yeah sorry I made a mistake there. I am on the side of OP!

I know 😂

But I do think even if I wasn’t a teacher a lot of people are really naive about how much flexibility there is in most jobs. Yes, you’d probably get away with it for a dental appointment or even a non medical but goodwill gesture every now and again but as an ongoing thing - no chance.

No one is suggesting that no other child should be told their mummy is here but while I’m not an expert if announcing this is causing upset to other children it could perhaps be worded differently.

I genuinely wonder what the solution is, because it does seem as if some people think a set time where all parents pick their children up is sensible. To me, that seems bonkers!

Fully agree with this

While I do think parents have a responsibility to help the child adjust to childcare settings, I would be passing the responsibility of managing how the child handles other children leaving to the CM. What happens if the order changes on a day. I know when my son was at a CM my collect time varied hugely. In fact I think people with more flexible/variable working hours often choose a CM over a nursery because of the more relaxed routine/environment.

No where has the OP said she is collecting late, that's a whole other situation and of course the CM would be fully in her rights to then tell her what to do.

Yes - is the order fixed? How on earth do you know?

I have been picking up slightly later on Thursdays as I have a lot to get my head around after a year ‘off’ but I always picked my son up at anything from 345 to 530.

But a one year old would not be aware about being the last to be picked up. Child minder, imo, is bullshitting I'm afraid. A one year old might be cranky due to being tired later in the day, but would not be cranky due to being the last to be picked up.

Anyway - I have her down to start DS’s nursery. I’ve sent an email to the childminder terminating the contract which sounds horribly clinical but is what is happening and so hopefully that ends that!

Sounds like the most sensible choice in the circumstances.

It's hard enough working when you have small children without the people you trust to look after them laying on the guilt.

What does that have to do with what I said?

One of the reasons I was doubting my choice even before this comment is that I’ve come to realise the day is very structured around slightly older children who have one nap at around midday whereas DD has two: morning and afternoon. She typically falls asleep on the way to a morning activity then is prematurely woken up from it, then she doesn’t get much of an afternoon nap because of school runs. So she is very grizzly and tired by the end of the day. I think it’s this rather than ‘being the last one.’

At one how is she understanding she is the last one? Is CM making a big song and dance about her being the last one there? What strategies and distraction techniques is she putting in place for your child until pick up? Has she reassured you at all?

I see you’ve mention CM is difficult with school holiday care and your daughter doesn’t seem unhappy when you get there.

I would be concerned CM is having you on for an earlier finish. Pretty poor to be honest, I would start looking elsewhere for a place.

At the end of the day you’ve got to work, and that’s just the way it is.

Of course it is!

The CM is sub standard IMO.

Good call OP. Hopefully she loves nursery!

Op

you really don’t like this CM do you?

I'd want to know if my child was upset and why, and to hear from the childminder about how she tried to comfort your child and discuss with you things that might work for next time.

But the suggestion that you could pick her up earlier is unfair if that's not possible for you.