To feel this was inappropriate of childminder?

[Porpoising]

My 1 year old goes to a childminder 3 days a week Wednesday - Friday.

Wednesdays I have a meeting so pick her up 530. Thursdays I stay a bit later to plan and get organised, so similar pick up time. Fridays I pick her up a bit earlier at around 4.

Childminder has told me that it’s upsetting for my daughter to be the ‘last one’ and she feels she would benefit from me trying to get her a bit earlier. I’m really upset by it. AIBU?

Time for herself?

I personally wouldn't tell a parent this unless a child was extremely distressed, there's no point.

But those saying a one year old doesn't notice other children have gone, aren't thinking this through. It's not like the other children sneak out quietly whilst the CM is entertaining and distracting the little one.... the doorbell rings and we all go to the door, we have a handover chat and a child will get their shoes and coat on and we say goodbye. Then we close the door and the same things happens 10 minutes later. This can happen 2/3/4 times or whatever and children see other mums and dads coming and expecting theirs each time. Yes I can continue to play and see to the children I still have, but let's not pretend they aren't noticing the others leaving.

So I wouldn't tell you she's upset, no point, but that doesn't mean she isn't or that the cm is crap.

Loads of people saying “oh she just wants to finish earlier”. I fail to believe it. A Childminder is self employed and sets their own hours. If they wanted to change their hours to finish earlier, then they would just give their families notice that from x date they will be changing my finishing time.

I think she’s badly tried to explain that your child is finding it difficult being the last to be collected - but then seeing if you can solve that by collecting earlier. It would have been better to chat to you about it and offer up some of her own solutions she could try during that time, to help avoid your child becoming upset.

If you cannot finish work earlier then I would just tell her that. “Thank you for raising this issue with me, unfortunately there is no way that I am able to collect her any earlier, let’s brainstorm some ideas together on how we can make this period at the end of the day less upsetting for her.”

This all sounds strange. Surely the childminder sets her available hours and you choose and pay for the hours you need. There shouldn't be any guilt tripping - somebody has to be the last one to be collected. If you have paid for certain hours you are entitled to have childcare for them

NRTFT but I 100% think she was out of line for this. You’re paying her to work to a set time. If your kid is upset, a positive proactive approach from the CM is needed. I have ten year old twins & I'm a solo parent. My kids had to go to childcare 730 to 530 three days a week from 6 months old so I could afford to support us. They are, and always have been, happy, healthy and secure. Even worse (by the MN pearl clutching standards), because of a combination of moving and some really awful childcare providers, my twins went to no fewer than 6 childcare settings. They’re both very adaptable as a result. I’d ask her if she’s happy to have her until the agreed time or not. If not, find someone new but you are doing nothing wrong xx

This. She’s just being honest and letting you know.

Could you split working later on Thursday across Friday too so you pick her up a bit earlier each day?

@PoppyCherryDog have you read the few threads from OP?

No she can't!

Well if there is kids/babies around and she is the last kid one year old or not they pick up on it ,most babies will not ,some will.

But surely you could've just not worked.....

By MN logic!

What time does your child minder stop minding, if that's how you put it? 😂

She's trying to cut her day short! Stay doing what's best for you x

Exactly. Jees are we not made to feel guilty enough as mums? Childminder is cheeky for saying this imo she knows the situation.

There is absolutely no way at all to make it so that someone is not the last, unless it is a bizarre WhatsApp with the other parents where we all turn up at the same time!

I think there have been a lot of purposefully guilt inducing posts here. I’m sure if you asked my daughter she’d prefer to spend her time with me but we do have to factor in some recognition that a child's long term needs are worth balancing against their immediate bonding situation. Poverty is the biggest cause of misery, ill health and social isolation. It is reacting as a child would to sulk and to pout over ‘always being last.’

As it is, I have lost confidence in this setting as a result as this and I was already uncertain how well it was going but this has helped me to make a decision. So every cloud!

Time to move on then. There are lots of lovely childminders out there. I hope you find one soon.

DD is one! Does she even realise that she's 'last'? I doubt it. As PPs have said the CM could make it really special for her and do fun one-to-one things.

If CM wants shorter hours she's entitled to change her offer, but that is a separate issue. Guilting OP into it is not the way forward. I suspect she'd be happy to work until 5.30 if she had three children there, she's just fed up only having (and being paid for) the one. That is up to her and for her to work out how she deals with such situations.

Don't listen to her OP, she's trying it on.

I’m a SAHM and I am really pissed off on your behalf re people guilting you about your child.

you are working, she needs to be at the childminder - end of story. It’s 3 days a week. She knew the timings and arrangement and agreed to it.

again, re holidays - if she wanted it out to be able to opt out she would pro rata it. She’s not. Totally valid point about confusing her bringing her home then her having to resettle.

childminder sounds shit. No one should be making you feel guilty, least of all the person you’re trusting with your child. You don’t need to justify your working schedule or desire for a few hours to do washing/get a manicure or whatever to anyone. You’re with your child 4 days a week and all evening 7 days, which is a lot more than many people are able to do.

glad you’re going to find someone else / you need support, not judgement.

@Porpoising I can’t believe the cm said that to you. I’m a cm and I would never dream of saying that to a parent. I’m contracted from 8.00 till 18.00 and it’s my job to look after the children and make them happy. You are working Op, you do your best, you don’t need your cm’s judgement.

I remember picking GS up from nursery, I would be the first one picking up after morning only children left, I'd be there about 3 I would be surrounded by little ones telling me "My mummy's coming" or "Where's my mummy." They were older than this baby though. I think it is upsetting to see but as others have said someone is going to be last.

But a childminder like @Nooneknows99 agrees!

I agree that a CM should have the skill set to work around this, but clearly some don't.

I think your cm was really in the wrong to say that and guilt trip you. She must not be very good if she can't comfort a child and distract them with something fun until the parent gets there. She probably wants to finish early or clean up for the day.

The child is 1 and I'm not sure would even have much concept of if they are the last 1 or not! Mine is older and loves to be the last 1 and cuddle up and have books on the sofa, my minder will even do him a warm milk so he's pretty much bath and bed ready for me when I get him and I find him being the 'last one' is the easiest days! He's even had some days where he's been the 'last one' for 3 hours as there wasn't many children and they were picked up early and he had a great time with loads of exclusive attention, did some learning, was a 'helper' putting toys away at the end etc. children spend time 1:1 if they are with a nanny and it costs a lot more money!

Honestly can't imagine being asked to collect early to avoid being the last 1 - I understand 'they're really struggling after X time as getting tired, is there anything you can think of that might help in that period' conversations, but the 'last one' comments just screams of 'I want to finish earlier' to me. You have to work your hours - wouldn't be using childcare if you wasn't.. so no, I wouldn't be keen on it either

She should be able to be 1:1 with your child and your child be happy!

If you're keen on her in all other ways I'd likely say 'I have to work X hours shall we try doing X or Y to help her not be so tired by the end of the day?' (Nap schedule changes, pacifier/comforter, favourite toy, book time etc)

You can't change your meeting, you are early on Friday, is there anyway your planning and getting organised can be sorted another way. Would some being done on Friday help, so say doing half an hour of it on Friday so a 4.30 finish and a 5 finish on Thursday? Might be fiddly but that half hour might be significant to your DD.

Children to vary and your child is older so maybe this little one has just had enough. I don't think it is helpful to say other children are happy, it feels a bit like victim blaming and this baby just shouldn't be upset.

@Iwasafool I don't really understand the victim blaming comment, the OP said when she picks up the child isn't overly upset, just a bit tired. And she has to work those hours. I'm blaming neither child nor parent, part of juggling work and children is this. I'm saying that 1:1 time can be made really special by a childminder if they are that way inclined therefore mine enjoyed that time. And has never hinted for me or any others to collect earlier than our booked time.. neither did the nursery I used, nor the previous childminder, they all worked the hours paid for and I appreciated them immensely and everything they did, as did the parents I spoke to from the settings. Children by the end of the day were ratty, tired, struggling (including my own) but they worked with parents or used their own experience to settle during those times

The childminder is probably hoovering up while child watches TV, rather than giving special attention.