To video call racist unapologetic SIL to DDs 1st birthday?

[ILikeEggsAnd]

Hi
A bit of background. My SILs husband started to say mean racially charged things against me. Btw that’s the first time I ever met them face to face so it’s not like I did anything to upset them to deserve it! The worst part was my DH said absolutely nothing. Thanks to my DH being silent, I cut contact completely with SIL and her family as although she didn’t speak anything, she is defending her hubby saying he was just being “inquisitive about my culture”.

DDs first birthday is round the corner. Should I let the SIL at least video call on her birthday or should I just cut her out? I just feel if they couldn’t respect me, they don’t deserve seeing my child.

I wouldn't subject my child to the same abuse

Your child is 50% you and shouldn’t be subject to such vile people. I’d be livid with my husband for not saying anything too.

What did he say?

If they’re racist towards you, they will be racist to your 1 year old DD who is half you. She doesn’t need to be subjected to that and I don’t adhere to the blood is thicker than water idea. Don’t talk to them until they buck up their ideas and apologise sincerely.

Has she asked to call her or are you assuming she will. I’d say no if the former and just not mention anything to her if the latter. Or let her call and just don’t pick up like in the olden days with a land line!

Just cut them out.

I’m assuming

It depends on what they said. I love to know about other people cultures

Me too .. and Im afraid to say or ask anything in case it comes across as offensive, I just genuinely am interested.

I’m not sure what exactly you mean by ‘mean, racially charged things’?

True but there’s a nice way to ask. Not directly saying on my face “Oh you come from a poor country. Why are you in Europe?” That was just one of the many hurtful things he said

Don't then just ignore it if she calls

I mean, he sounds pig-ignorant and mannerless, but that remark alone doesn’t sound ‘racially-charged’. I used to get that kind of thing fairly frequently as a white Irish person living in England (and yes, the type of person who said it tended to be unaware of Irish prosperity, and regarded Ireland as a backward producer of feckless navvies…)

So you’ve cut contact with SIL due to what her husband said? That’s a bit harsh.

for me it depends on what he said or asked. I don’t see that as being hurtful or racist, more interested in how you ended up living where you are.

I would never do that! But I would genuinely be interested to learn/understand your ways, beliefs, living, etc .. the same as I’m genuinely interested to learn/understand someone’s fascination about something I don’t have the same views on.

Have you told them outright how you feel? Have you discussed it with your dh? The crux here for me would be how your dh feels, understands, supports and works through with you. The Sil/Bil is a secondary issue imo.

Is this exactly what he said??

The worst part was my DH said absolutely nothing. Thanks to my DH being silent, I cut contact completely with SIL and her family

And divorced your cowardly, covertly racist dh presumably?

I hope you're equally pissed off with your husband for not having your back and challenging the comments.

I'm also curious why you're blaming SIL when she didn't say anything.

A very handsome Brazilian man came in to my clinic, we were chatting and I asked him why he was in the U.K. ( I was genuinely interested) Does that make me racist?

He said he was here for a better life as it was very dangerous in Brazil and wouldn’t be able to walk the streets with the watch he was wearing.

He was a really nice guy and we chatted for ages, I don’t think he was offended. Maybe your bil was genuinely interested in your back story

Are you sure it wasn't just a clumsily worded question?

It's one of those which could be hugely racist (have you come to steal our jobs?) Or could be curious (I'm interested in what happened to you)

@ILikeEggsAnd don’t bother answering anymore PP’s questions about what was said. They and others will twist themselves in pretzels to portray the words as not racist. MN is notorious for this. You know in your gut it was racist so just keep it yourself.

Regarding your OP, you don’t need to socialize with racists or subject yourself to their hate. Don’t bother with your SIL or BIL.

“You come from a poor country. Why are you in Europe?, Do you live in a slum?, Do people sit on top of the trains?” My gosh! And might I add, this was the first time I met them. Seriously do you ask such things on the first meeting.

Also, SIL never bothered asking about how my DD was doing when she visited the A&E. Shows to me how much she cares about her as an aunt and yes, I texted to inform her the night DD was in A&E.

It still could be clumsy interest

But if SIL didn't bother calling when DD was in A&E I doubt she's gonna care its her 1st Birthday anyway tbh

It still could be clumsy interest

🙄

Would never occur to me to video call anyone on their first birthday! I mean she'll just be talking to you (or partner one would hope).
Have you explained things to your husband? If he wants to deal with his sister you can't prevent that, but talk to him about the racism.
Frankly he sounds totally ignorant. I have an American accent (I'm English) and I've had people say things to me and overheard stuff that's just totally off the wall. But it's their ignorance from TV shows obviously not racism. (Though having Trump as president was hard to explain...)