To video call racist unapologetic SIL to DDs 1st birthday?

[ILikeEggsAnd]

Hi
A bit of background. My SILs husband started to say mean racially charged things against me. Btw that’s the first time I ever met them face to face so it’s not like I did anything to upset them to deserve it! The worst part was my DH said absolutely nothing. Thanks to my DH being silent, I cut contact completely with SIL and her family as although she didn’t speak anything, she is defending her hubby saying he was just being “inquisitive about my culture”.

DDs first birthday is round the corner. Should I let the SIL at least video call on her birthday or should I just cut her out? I just feel if they couldn’t respect me, they don’t deserve seeing my child.

Are these white Americans asking you?

Have you considered that you may be more tolerant to white people asking you than other races?

I'm white British, I've had black and Hispanic Americans ask me similar questions. I remember chatting to a couple of young men years ago in Queens, one black one Hispanic. They asked me a whole string of questions like this including -
'England and Britain, are they different countries?'
'Is the United Kingdom near there?'
'Do they speak a different language (to USA) in England?' (yes really)
'What's France (!) ?'
I didn't take offence, I thought it was funny and their curiosity sweet. This sort of exchange is very different to what the OP experienced though because it doesn't have the underlying weight of racism behind it. For example, compare the use of the word Aussie and P*. One can be used as shorthand and carries a feeling of affection (I think). The other is overtly racist so even if used innocently by a child with affection for a friend copying the style of the word Aussie, its use is massively inappropriate to say the least.

Well, I used to get considerably more ignorant and aggressive questions from (a minority of) English people, including cracks about my ‘brogue’, questions about being in the IRA, how hilariously unlikely it was that an Irish woman was at Oxford (if asked more specifically why this caused bemusement, they shuffled and said I knew what they meant).

Or do we spect people who come from a neighbouring country, will have had a significant population of Irish people living in their country for many years, and will often have some Irish ancestry themselves, to be less bigoted.

With regard 'rude, hurtful things' I think this is an example of the point I made earlier. I think prejudice against the poor is what underpins almost all other prejudice. Its rude and hurtful to suggest a person might be poor or grown up in a slum, or their country might be poor. I bet if the BIL had asked 'is everyone rich where you're from, do you all have robot butlers and self drive cars?' a lot less offence would be caused. You even see it on threads here in the 'how do I look rich' threads in Style and Beauty. This is no criticism of @LuLuluBlakey1 this prejudice against the poor is so ingrained in us we don't even notice nevermind question it.

The pearl-clutching is amazing.

Have you considered that you may be more tolerant to white people asking you than other races?

You’d be seeing red at what Chinese people would ask. Besides ‘can you eat with chopsticks?’ You’d probably be asked ‘why Western people are so fat? How much money do you make? Is that your real hair colour? Does everyone have a gun in their house (mistaking you for an American)?’

etc etc.

It’s completely normal in most places. But I can see that it’s not done in British culture.