To video call racist unapologetic SIL to DDs 1st birthday?

[ILikeEggsAnd]

Hi
A bit of background. My SILs husband started to say mean racially charged things against me. Btw that’s the first time I ever met them face to face so it’s not like I did anything to upset them to deserve it! The worst part was my DH said absolutely nothing. Thanks to my DH being silent, I cut contact completely with SIL and her family as although she didn’t speak anything, she is defending her hubby saying he was just being “inquisitive about my culture”.

DDs first birthday is round the corner. Should I let the SIL at least video call on her birthday or should I just cut her out? I just feel if they couldn’t respect me, they don’t deserve seeing my child.

I think it does sound racist. It's incredibly ignorant and rude to question OP with lazy, racist stereotypes.

I don't blame her for distancing at all.

if its worse your dh didnt say anything why arent you saying to him to get lost

No , just get on with your life.

Why would you, or your child,want or need to be around people like that.

I'm not going to comment on your other half's silence.!

Asking someone about their Country I think is fine. Asking in a way, filled with derogatory stereotypes is not ok, and says a lot about the person asking in such a way. The insensitivity in the questioning would ring bells for me, personally. It is not always easy to address such things with family that someone may have married into. The Husband's silence would be more of a pressing matter.

You come from a poor country. Why are you in Europe?, Do you live in a slum?, Do people sit on top of the trains?

I don’t know why this kind of stuff bothers you. People only have the dimmest idea of what foreign countries are like, and it is largely formed by cheap stereotypes.

When people learn where I’m from, it’s all, ‘Did you own a gun? Was there ever a shooting when you were at school? Why do cops shoot black people? I hear people go into huge debt just for basic medical care … ‘ stuff like that.

It's unbelievable how people are trying to justify this. Off course it's racist and ignorant too. I'm also from another country. The amount of dumb and ignorant questions passed off as curiosity🙄

That does sound bad. Unless he's ND or speech impediment or something? Is he British? These would be very rude, racist questions in the UK. Some cultures asked completely blunt and offensive questions isn't rude though, it's just how people talk. Likewise stare, you couldn't stare at anyone in the UK, in some other cultures though its completely normal and not rude at all.

Just skimmed over the thread, one thing that runs right through it is prejudice against the poor. The older I get the more it seems to me at almost all other forms of prejudice are built of the foundations of prejudice against the poor. The 'do you live in a slum' basically because we look down are noses at people who live in slums. They are looked on at best with pity and at worst with disgust, never with equal respect.

May I just ask did the SIL actually hear her husband say this?

Also why would anyone let their SIL know they were in A and E anyway?

Why is your SIL taking the flack for what someone else said but you don't have an issue with your husband not saying anything?

I remember taking my boyfriend (now husband) to Sydney Australia and he was shocked there were roads and not dirt tracks and he was expecting kangaroos to be jumping down the street.

I was a bit WTF??

I think the key issue here is you have felt hurt / upset by comments and you needed someone to back your corner and get more understanding of how you felt and educate people so it doesn’t happen again.

Personally, I would work out what you need to move forward and how to get that - splits in families are such a shame.

Do you also stick your fingers in people's eyes and gaslight them with 'I don’t know why this kind of stuff bothers you?'

If I want to learn about people, I ask them positive questions, not 'You come from a poor country. Why are you in Europe?, Do you live in a slum?, Do people sit on top of the trains?'

Not trying to make excuses for your SiL but your DH didn't speak up either.

If I want to learn about people, I ask them positive questions, not 'You come from a poor country. Why are you in Europe?, Do you live in a slum?, Do people sit on top of the trains?

I mean fair but you kind of understand that a lot of people just ask these questions very bluntly and it’s usually just out of ignorance, knowing very little about foreign countries.

I'm white and I think the comments he made are absolutely racist. I have met many Indians and have never felt the need to ask if they were from a slum or sat on a train because I'm not a racist arsehole.

As someone not English living in England the usual way people ask where I'm from is 'I detect a slight accent, are you from X?' and then they tell me they have always wanted to visit and is it very beautiful and how often Iget back to see family. That is the non-racist way to do it. Loading your question with offensive caricatures as the OP's BIL did is the racist way. If he'd said 'So where in X are you from? I've never been, but would love to go, it sounds like a fascinating country, with such a rich history. When is the best time of year to visit and where would you recommend going?' the OP wouldn't be on here complaining about her racist BIL.

Sorry OP but I think you have majorly over reacted. Yes the questions contained negative racial stereotypes. However it doesn't sound like the person was trying to be deliberately cruel. It sounds like they are a bit thick and tactless. To cut out your SIL over this is OTT.

My bil is Asian, I wouldn’t dream of asking such moronic questions. I would speak to dh, tell him it’s not acceptable and discuss with him how you go forward with the family members.

I wonder how many of the "maybe it's just clumsy interest" crowd would consider it sexist if a man in their in-laws family met them for the first time and asked questions like "oh, you're a woman, is your favourite place the kitchen?"

Would there be a chorus of "maybe he doesn't have many female friends and just thought you might like cooking" and "it's not sexist to ask questions out of curiosity".

I think not.

He was racist OP. I hope your husband redeemed himself later.
I wouldn't have anything further to do with SIL or her husband, personally. I wouldn't try a video call for your LO's birthday.

I'm glad I don't live among people this ignorant.

In my experience and social circle a primary school kids might just about get away with asking such questions....an early years primary age at that.

Asking why someone has moved is not racist. Prefacing it with that they have come from a poor country is racist. Asking someone if they have come from a slum is racist. It's really not that hard.

The equivalent would be 'you can't do maths because you are a woman. Why have you become a math teacher?' Or 'who did you sleep with to get this job?'

The statements the op heard were very obviously disparaging her country and her background. They were meant to be provocative and to put her in her place.

So your bil was racist dh did nothing and you’re blaming sil who didn’t say anything ? Wondering whether she will or won’t video your dd on her first birthday. I would prob just wait and see if she does or not. But I’d be livid with dh.

Surely that remark , when asked of you, is racist in the assumptions made about Ireland and the Irish people.

I wouldn't consider it racist. I'm Irish. I've had American's ask if we have electricity in Ireland. Ask do we have cars. If the picture they're always been shown is The Emerald Isle and Begorrah, how are you then they are going to ask questions like is it really like that. I don't take offence. Bearing in mind many Americans know very little of what is out side their own state, never mind their country.

I think you probably think your SIL will care if you don’t FaceTime on your dds first birthday. The reality is she probably won’t notice and won’t really care. I have a 2 year old niece, love her dearly, and I never face time her on her birthday, neither does my sister FaceTime me on my nieces behalf. Wouldn’t cross my mind. So if you’re wanting to get under her skin, you’ll have to come up with something better than that I’m afraid.

I think this illustrates how broad, or not, the definition of racism is to different people. You, as an Irish person, don't find that kind of treatment racist but I do. There are many comments here about what the BIL said being 'ignorant' rather than racist and excusing it because of that but ignorance is not an excuse for saying rude, hurtful things about someone's cultural background. They are the kind of statements that lead to people from those places being treated as 'less than'- discrimination.