To video call racist unapologetic SIL to DDs 1st birthday?

[ILikeEggsAnd]

Hi
A bit of background. My SILs husband started to say mean racially charged things against me. Btw that’s the first time I ever met them face to face so it’s not like I did anything to upset them to deserve it! The worst part was my DH said absolutely nothing. Thanks to my DH being silent, I cut contact completely with SIL and her family as although she didn’t speak anything, she is defending her hubby saying he was just being “inquisitive about my culture”.

DDs first birthday is round the corner. Should I let the SIL at least video call on her birthday or should I just cut her out? I just feel if they couldn’t respect me, they don’t deserve seeing my child.

They probably don't care either way if they see your DD so I don't know why you'd have this dilemma. I've got a perfectly amicable relationship with my SIL, but it didn't occur to me to videocall her DD on her first birthday.

Other than that, distance yourself, they are both racist. And have a word with your spineless DH.

don’t bother answering anymore PP’s questions about what was said. They and others will twist themselves in pretzels to portray the words as not racist. MN is notorious for this. You know in your gut it was racist so just keep it yourself

Couldn't agree more. You know what was said OP and how they meant it. Pig ignorant ppl on this site may choose not to believe you but I do.

I would be really disappointed with your DH for bit standing up for you. Horrible people are everywhere but the least you should expect of your husband is to have your back

And no I wouldn't call SIL or allow her to call. Her husband is a piece of shit.

If she's not asked, don't offer

I cannot imagine wanting to video call a 1yo on the birthday because that would be about me not them. So I don't think she'll really feel that's a hardship.

You are part of the problem.

If the OP was complaining of her Bil being sexist towards her, I highly doubt there would be so many posters asking for examples, or trying to tell the OP that he was just being clumsy, and did not mean to be like that.

Ethnic minorities are not here to appease your curiosity.

Threatening ethnic minorities that they will be met with bigotry if they don't submit to your questioning is terrible.

100%!

And for those saying they'd ask the same question - why? Why do you need to know why someone is living where they are? Just accept that they are here and move on.

This. How ridiculous, and offensive to suggest that people will be turned racist, just because a black, or brown person will not meekly answer intrusive questions, and it will somehow be their fault.

This, all day, every day!

Cant you educate him - we love comfortably, I came here because x y z, no I don’t live in a slum.

It could be true that many people from your country are poor. It doesn’t make it racist to think that. Tactless, but not racist necessarily.

Depends what he said

In all things I prefer to give people a second chance. Unless its explicitly offensive or bigotry.

Funnily enough, I find plenty of MN explicitly bigotry when it comes to certain topics...

So you’d be fine with someone asking you ‘You come from a poor country. Why are you in Europe?, Do you live in a slum?, Do people sit on top of the trains?’

And would you ask these questions?

If you heard someone ask these questions you’d think it was fine?

And no doubt those so willing to overlook the Bil crass questioning, have not had to put up with racist stereotyping. So it is easy for them to brush off what other people, who know what they are experiencing, say. Maybe just try listening for once.

If it was clumsy interest and not intentionally racist they would have apologised.

OP. They sound awful. If they can't apologise and your DH can't say anything then why bother letting them talk to your child.

Very valid point.

It's not a threat

Its a reflection of reality.

People fear what they don't understand and absorb anger and reflect it back. Answering one question might seem arderous to you but might open their eyes or at least sate curiosity. Responding to a question with anger and "I'm not here to educate you" is off putting and creates bad feeling and tension.

It's not just exclusive to issues of race either. It's regarding all issues of bigotry and hatred

If hatred can be taught by parents etc, then it can also be unlearnt/counter by education and those who experience it

I wouldn't ask in such a way which is why I said it might be clumsy curiosity

You shouldn't ask at all. Who gave you the right?

If he said "nice tits love. Get me a beer" then that's pretty clear cut.
Asking someone about their country and why they came to a particular country isn't in itself clearly racist.

Ethnic minorities are not here to appease your curiosity.

I have a friend from India. She speaks about her family a lot. How they like to display their wealth. How they look down on her when she goes home because they feel she is too "Westernised". She doesn't dress in full Indian Sari with jewellery and makeup like they do. I'm curious about her life, because I know very little about India, and their culture. By definition a "minority" is going to be something that the "majority" mightn't not be very familiar with. If we are discouraged from discussing how do we learn?

Questions or comments might unintentionally offend. But surely - especially in a family situation - the offending comment can be addressed and explained why it is offensive and everyone learns?

I don't think I'd be getting into discussion with some randomer on the street. But family?

If someone asked you questions you'd get pissed off..

But you think ethnic minorities owe it to you to educate you. They don't.

They sound ignorant and uninterested in your DD.

I wouldn't bother suggesting a video call. SIL may not bother even trying to get in touch/see DD anyway.

Would many Aunties or Uncles want to call a niece or nephew or their first birthday? I wouldn’t think it would be a common thing, especially as it sounds like they haven’t spent much time with you all! So the situation probably won’t even come up.

I would be even more angry at your coward of a husband letting someone talk to you like that.