His comment when the bill came ....

[mrprott]

I went in a date recently.
I was a little anxious before hand about the discomforts of f the bill situation but was and am adamant about splitting bills on dates bar coffees or waters etc.
I knew midway through meal that he was a test so decided to enjoy rest of meal and put it down to experience.
I suggested at the end we call for the bill. It came. He looked at it , sat back on his chair and with a swerve of his hand pointing at the bill said ..'do you want me to pay for this or what ?' In a really nonchalant voice ..
I nearly died 😂🤣🙈
I was so shocked at how he spoke to me.... this boastful, popular , millionaire( his words ? with his jaguar and photos of his palatial spread ....
The waiter caught sight of this and got awkward and left ..
I said of course we're splitting it but in my fifty years of living on this earth, I have never been asked anything like this in such a way and I was mortified.
He didn't understand this at all???
Shrugged his shoulder and that was that ..
AIBU ?

The mortification came in because she was mortified. What bit do you not understand? People can express themselves with whatever words they see fit.

Perhaps you should have said “yes, you can pay “ and considered it compensation for having to waste an evening with such an arrogant prick.

My first date with dh was in the bar of a London hotel. There was live music, we couldn't have a conversation so he suggested the restaurant. I was a single mum, it was Michelin starred and I knew I wouldn't be able to offer to pay half- and I didn't want him to feel obliged to pay a huge bill so said no. He wouldn't listen and didn't even let me see him ask for the bill.

He proposed to me in that same bar, we've been married 15 years and he's never let me pay for anything. He's not controlling in the slightest (if that's coming here) but just an exceptionally generous person- to all our family, to charity.. it gives him pleasure to give. I've told my dd it doesn't matter how much someone has, she doesn't want to be with a tight person.. that's miserable.

I get it - he sounds arrogant and rude. If he had been respectful I think you would have split the bill with no thought about it. I guess rich people dont get rich by giving their money away.

Ditto.

It's akin to a form of - in the modern parlance - 'negging', the implication hanging there in the air that you neither want to nor can afford to pay, subliminally inviting the woman to try harder to please or placate the big man.

As I said, it only needs 'shall we split this?' with a smile to be polite.

Isn’t it suggesting she was mortified that he thought she might expect him to pay it all?

But I suppose therein lies his problem . Some women do get defensive when the guy offers to pay so maybe he felt awkward and it came out … well, awkwardly.

Im not sure I’m following that it was such a hugely twatty thing. The fact he conveyed the jaguar and palatial home sounds worse.

Splitting the bill it’s always a tricky moment on a date. It requires both people to use a bit of social finesse to do it smoothly. Clearly this is sorely lacking his behalf.

I read it that she was annoyed and angry with him, rather than mortified. That’s all, it’s not that deep.

People can use whatever word they want, doesn’t mean the word is correct.

I think this is something that has come from internet dating. There is so much chance the date will be a dud ( having never actually met like in the old days) that people get through more dates now, such that the men would go broke if it wasn’t a thing to split. In the long run I guess this works in women’s favour because the guys would all give up the will to keep having more dates ( or just run out of cash).

I'm sure you're right and he was a twat.

But I don't really see what was so awful about that particular interaction.

He called for the bill. The bill arrived. He gestured at it and asked if you wanted him to pay.

I mean, why on earth are you so upset and offended? I just can't get my head around it.

Maybe he was a bit brusque. But then maybe he'd already decided he wouldn't see you again, or picked up on the fact that you didn't like him. It sounds as if the date was an ordeal for both of you.

I expect I'm the only one, but when Op described the jaguar and palatial spread I instantly pictured a pet jaguar prowling the grounds of the palatial spread in a diamond encrusted collar. It took a few minutes to realise that she probably meant a jaguar car, disappointingly.

Mental bendiness🤣

I had a very similar image! It was lying on a rug!

Sorry not rtwt but if he emphasised the 'me' then yes I can imagine exactly, awful man. YANBU.

I agree too @ohthejoys21 and I think your husband’s paying for your friend is very nice. I’m single and my married male friends will often pay for me if I’m out with them and their wife.

Re. Dates…I usually get an eyebrow wax or buy a new lippie etc for a first date or if it’s late I’ll be the one paying for an Uber back as I don’t always feel safe traveling by public transport too late . I feel there’s a beauty /safety cost as a woman and I’m more than happy that every single man I’ve been on a date with (except one in my 20s) has paid for my date although I do offer 😄

I dont blame you for finding that whole exchange extremely cringe.

Oh well 🤷🏻‍♀️at least you won’t have doubts if you what a second date or not lol

Once I took a guy I was seeing out for his birthday, it was this lovely Carribbean restaurant in Brixton. When the bill came he smugly and boastfully said to the male waiter “she’s paying” - and the waiter gently reprimanded him 🤣 kind of said he had a bad attitude towards women.

To be fair it was his birthday which the waiter didn’t know and I said I’d treat him but he has suddenly turned super cocky /princessy about it all so I think that’s what put the waiters back up.

I left a nice tip :)

This!

I don't think posters jealous little ladies (🙄) think he was polite or gracious, just that mortification or shame are excessive reactions to the situation.

It just might help the OP to think of these kind of scenarios as funny stories to put into the 'OLD twats you meet' repertoire. It might make the whole process a little bit easier.

Or maybe watch a few episodes of First Dates to see some horrors: like the guy who asked his date to leave halfway through because he didn't fancy him but still wanted a pudding! Or the twat who sounds like the OP's date who went on about how important his city job was and kept looking at his phone throughout the meal despite his date being charming and lovely; he then came back the following week and was paired with Anthea Turner and practically salivated over her (fortunately she wasn't interested!).

Bit shocked about the number of people who expect their date to pay even on the first date. I'm very long in the tooth but have still managed to crawl into the 21st century.

Personally I quite like the idea of dating in 1956 if the op’s modern experience is anything to go by.

Skimmed a bit sorry. But I read it as he picked up the bill and studied it before arrogantly saying to OP "Do you want Me to pay for this? Or What?"

Or what? "What exactly are you expecting here? "

I can imagine it sounded really patronising.

If it was said with "tone" and in front of the waiter, I think it could come across the same as "I can see you expect me to pay but I will ask you outright and make you admit it."

The embarrassment for OP would have come from the fact that his question almost seems like he thinks she's trying to dodge paying the bill or as if she'd ordered all the expensive things on the menu, I'd find that embarrassing too.

It would have been more normal and less offensive if he'd asked the question before he picked up the bill and studied it.

In any case, saying it pleasantly in a nice voice is also what would have made the difference and OP didn't think he was doing that.

Yes so true 😆😂

and it’s not even a matter of expectation as such. I’m always prepared to pay if I need to but my dates have always insisted (which yeah I’m happy about )

And I date men between 30 and 40 so many are younger than I am. Yes it’s more traditional but it’s also still very common in modern dating for men to pay for the first date.

This!

That's just awful. And it's the same problem as OP's date. Not the question of who's paying, but someone for whom the bill is somehow adversarial and they must use it to feel like they've "beaten" you somehow. Some people just have absolutely no grace.