Salt burn makes me worry for poor kids at ‘posh’ unis.

[Pippetypoppity]

Im beginning to think certain Universities have much wealthier students on average and a kid from a poorer background would have a hard time perhaps ? Oliver in Saltburn was almost ostracised. Dc is looking at Exeter and Bath as favs. Not going to have any of the spending money, nice things from home the private school kids there will have I’m guessing. Will they have a hard time and be excluded in any way do you think. Horrible to think that as pretty shy and socially awkward anyway 🥹.

Dd1 is in her first year at a RG uni with a reputation for being one of the more down-to-earth ones, but she did note that in the first term a big clique of privately-educated kids seemed to form, all of whom seemed to be connected to each other through friends of friends and of course social media before joining.

She said that now she’s got to know a lot of them, they’re mostly fine and lovely, although the most snobby account she’s related to me was that of her flatmate quite openly saying to a mutual flatmate ‘oh thank god someone else (in this flat) has been to private school’ 😆. I kid you not 😆 I did say to dd that you had to admire his openness!

Rather interestingly, she has noticed that the chap in question hasn’t really made many new friends since starting, as many of his ‘gang’ seem to stick together. A few have diversified however, and dd gets on brilliantly with them - in fact she considers them great friends now. Things have apparently settled down a lot. I told dd not to be ashamed of her state education or background, to understand that some (not all) of them are just shy because they haven’t mixed with kids in the wider world, and not to take it personally!

I think that to say that private school cliqueyness doesn’t happen is a bit naive - it can and it does - however uni is a great adventure, and an amazing journey in which there is a tribe for everyone.

It takes a lot more than a term for some people to settle and find their tribe. I find it hard to believe there was no-one she could relate to at all, no-one from a similar background, interested in the same subject etc.

Particularly when you take into account that she was a happy go lucky girl who easily made friends in the town. She was central to our big group of friends. Not at all shy, but not over bearing. She was lovely.

She couldn't settle as she didn't have friends. She's the sort of person who would have tried. I remember she joined a few clubs. No one to be found.

Whereas I'd already had my new uni friend back to my home for a weekend week 8 of term 1.

She made the right call leaving Cambridge. Her first year at UCL was what the rest of our friendship group had experienced in our first year at uni.

Did they expect you to call your mentors “parents”? The uni I turned down did and I cringed so bad when they told us this I nearly turned inside out. (I think she actually called herself a mummy at one point!).

My eldest wasn't interested in Exeter largely because she felt so many of her private school cohort were looking at it and she wanted to get out of the bubble / not be labelled as part of that group. She was reluctant to consider Durham for the same reason, and although she eventually put it on her form (because the course itself ticked her boxes), she gave up waiting for an offer from them because she was had ones she liked better from elsewhere. Covid years so didn't visit any of them anyway.

I think what you are missing is the tiny classes and small colleges make it harder than the average uni to find your own tribe.

of course you are welcome to find friends outside of those settings like hobbies etc but it would be shit and lonely if none of your friends are in your halls /lessons.

I’ve no doubt she was lovely or that she made the right decision. Some people just don’t gel with their first choice. But there’s not any significant difference between the people UCL than at Cambridge.

You could look at it the other way round and think why would your dc deprive themselves of eh connections and opportunities that knowing 'posh' peers can bring- people spend hundreds of thousands on private schools to get that

There’s so much mixing though you’re never confined to one set one of people. It’s a bummer if you don’t immediately gel with people in your college, but a term is only 8 weeks - that’s not long enough to get to know anyone.

Exactly. Lots of posters on this thread have given examples of 'posh' peers at university playing a role in their success, whether opening their eyes to a certain career they weren't aware of, or motivating them to do well so they can achieve similar things in life (eg wealth, travel, culture etc)

Well, so many people have pointed out that Saltburn is fiction, and not very good fiction at that. Oxford and Cambridge (DH and I each at one) weren't like that 40 years ago, and they aren't like it now (son just graduated from one) so I doubt they were like it 20 years ago.

There were more privately educated students 40 years ago than there are now, but even then most of them weren't super posh - a lot were on assisted place schemes or had bursaries at their schools. We had cliques at college but as far as I could see they weren't based on how posh you were; they were more about what you were studying and what you liked doing in your spare time (sports, drama, drinking). You didn't have to go to balls and I had one ballgown that my mum made for me, so rather cheap.

Actually I think films like Saltburn are rather damaging if anyone takes away from it that their child shouldn't apply to Oxford because of 'class'. Not that there are not many other fine universities, and we shouldn't fetishise Oxbridge.

Much comes down to the accmd you can afford, that's an instant filter right there.

I don't think anyone 'expected' you to address them by 'Mum' or 'Dad', it was just the informal language used for pairing up new students with ones who had been there longer. I still get Christmas cards from one of my mid-1990s 'children', now a middle-aged Korean-American lawyer in San Diego.

All happened via room ballots at my college. Same price for everyone.

Whatever happened to being ‘educated’, that used to be more relevant to uni life than being ‘rich’.

I went to a posh uni from a modest background. I consider it to be beneficial to have been exposed to the wisest range of people/experiences as possible. There was a little bit of a learning curve at things like formal dinners etc but I learnt quickly and it helped.me become confident with all.places and people. I'm sure I generally gravitated to people more like myself, but I guess that often happens. I have 3 particularly close friends from uni. 2 from state comps like myself and 1 from public boarding school. It didn't matter then and doesn't now.
I would say, that even despite this experience my social background still left me a bit naive to make the most of some situations and opportunities. Going to the 'university of poor grafters' would have made that even worse. Teach your child that they belong anywhere and to never think they are better or worse than anyone else. Being a snob isn't nice, but neither is being an inverted snob.
My own children have financial, social and cultural experiences that are a million miles from what I had. I will still encourage them to wholeheartedly go after whatever goal they have and not to be limited by where they come.from.

I also think there is another way to look at it. You want your child to be prepared for working life. To be able to mix with all demographics, with comfort. Not have a life where they are intimidated by those different to them, and that they can only spend their life with thise whose parents were in similar circumstances. That is tragic.

and uni is the perfect place to meet and get to know folks from all walks of life.

some shite has been spoken on this thread, stereotypes chucked about. Some hilarious, some just sad.

we should want our kids to be comfortable to mix with all people. To judge them on their own merits. Not teach them to fear those who had different upbringings.

I wouldn't worry about the push kids aspect, all universities have a range of backgrounds, but Bath is expensive compared to many, city centre is lovely, there tomorrow but ouch buying drinks

You were smarter than me at 18. I went to a university like the one you turned down, and it was a very alienating experience. I wish I'd at least chosen a different college, but I was too hellbent on proving people wrong by getting into the most prestigious university, course, college etc. I can't say I wasn't warned about the snobbery, either!

YANBU OP, but then I think those are quite ordinary universities and should have a fairly broad social mix.

Also op, Exeter has 65 percent from state and bath 75 percent. They both have a majority of state school students,

id also make sure you support your daughter and don’t let your own prejudices and fears limit her.

I went to Edinburgh uni from a boarding school, although my parents gave up everything to send me and there were definitely no skiing holidays. In my experience, people stuck to their own social groups but no one was ‘banned’ from making friends outside their group! When I think back, all my friends did indeed come from private schools but that was never intentional, it’s just a case of you meet someone who introduces you to someone and generally they came from the same sort of schools. I think as long as your son has something interesting to say and can make a level of small talk he will be fine.

Yet again you describe my experience. Shit and lonely just about sums it up, although I did get used to the solitude. It was a huge disappointment at first because I was so convinced I'd meet lifelong friends at university. I did know some lovely girls from school and summer schools, but they were at different colleges and our paths didn't really cross. Social media probably helps these days.

Is UCL posh? I think is maybe is. I went there and for the first time met lots of people who had been privately educated. Never had an issue OP. It's good to meet people from lots of different backgrounds.

Should havd added, I'm as common as muck, but aspire to greatness 😂

For most courses it actually has lower entry grades but a more stringent application process.