Cheeky school mum

[Kag38xh]

DD and her friend both go to a ballet class after school. Despite talk of us taking turns bringing the kids there, the other mum has now started texting me on the day moaning about how busy work is and whether I can just take her DD with us. It was ok the first few times but now am getting a bit more annoyed about it. Not sure whether am being unreasonable or how to reply next time she texts me. Any advice?

Just say,
Actualy.. can you take my daughter with you this week, I’m too busy? “

Doesn't matter, surely the reverse is true in as much as she doesn't know you well?
Whats the alternative? Her behaviour us saying she feels more important than you, turn the tables

These arrangements only work if the sharing is equal, otherwise it's not sharing but a free of charge driving and child mining service.

Long years of lift sharing experience under my belt, I know pretty quickly who's a cheeky fucker and who is happy to genuinely share. The CFs do exist and get a simple but definitive no from me. It has made family life so much easier. If OP takes only her daughter, it's time they spend as a family, they can chat about the day, the dc can relax after school with no duty to entertain other child.

It just comes down to reciprocity. I now only ever share with people where there is mutual respect and consideration. Works best in the long run.

Sometimes the kids also get fed up with lift share arrangements, especially when they don't really have anything much in common with the other child or they simply get bored with each other after a long day at school together, doing the hobby activity plus whiling away precious downtime in between school and hobby, it can be all too much.

Pre-empt it by messaging in the morning and saying something has come up at work... How do you usually agree whose turn it is?

Maybe at drop off say you've got a hectic few weeks at work coming up so you'd be grateful for her to do the Ballet run as you've been covering for her for the last few weeks. If she seems unwilling, you'll have to end it with a breezy oh, I'll have to work out something else then and not take her child ever again.

I’d do this. Then if she asks again from now on Is be going somewhere else after school and so couldn’t possibly take her kid too. For those saying “oh well you’re going anyway” it’s the fact OP is feeling taken advantage of and put out by having to look after someone else’s kid, and if her dd got injured or needed something while doing ballet surely she would want her mum over a stranger.

Your going there anyway, your daughter gets a better bond with her friend - reply with sure can you drop ... home on your way back please.

Not this week (no reason needed) or I'll take them but cant stay, you pick them up.

Ignore her texts. Continue taking your DD to ballet and forget about her.

Clearly, for whatever reason, your agreement to share the driving hasn't worked out, so there's no need for you do continue doing your bit.

Cancel the deal and just take your own daughter. This other mum is taking the p!

Yeah I know how awkward it is but she is taking the piss as you aren't disagreeing with her..some people will always chance their arm. Text her today about next week. And see what response h get. Having to mind her before hand and provide snacks really is going too far.

I'd just not respond and say sorry been busy with work I missed your message😅

There is so many things wrong with ops position. Her boundaries seem to depend on other people 🤷🏼‍♀️ and knowing how they will be received?! The fact she is moving heaven and earth to facilitate her child’s friendships without stopping to consider the message this sends her child (you are less than)
Cant prioritise her own work and life, seems to be unable to advocate for the importance of her own needs.
Cant bring herself to simply just say no, and mean it.
It’s really sad.

I would get in there first the night before and tell her your busy and ask her to take your daughter

if you don’t manage it before she texts you then reply with ‘I was actually going to ask you if you could do it this week’

alternatively just dont reply then the next time you see her just tell her you have lost your phone

Hi xxx Im running short of time for the next two weeks so I wont have time to pick up as have a lot on. If you can take them that would be amazing otherwise im going to have to see if I can get mum/husband/sister to take DD or tey and squeeze it in. Can you do those weeks, let me know if you can. Or if we can plan which weeks we are taking that would be really great and I can organise my end.

when you reply does she acknowledge it?
I’d be tempted to ignore the message and just take my daughter.
“oh, my phone is lost/broken/forgotten etc” when I actually see her.
let the school phone her to say no one collected her daughter.

her own fault really.

Just get in there first for the next one, ask her to take your DD first and see what happens. Obviously be prepared to take your DD so she doesn't miss out in case she has some excuse, but you just need to be direct. Your providing her childcare when you agreed to take in turns isn't okay.

If she does wiggle it if it and If you don't want to be confrontational maybe ask family or another friend to take your DD for a couple of weeks to break the cycle and if she still asks after that just ignore the message and say you didn't get it till after the event.

I think it does depend, my sons best friend has a single mum who is also in a busy stressful job and is having health issues. The reality is, I work pt running my own business which is very flexible, so I do a lot more for her child than she does for mine and she often calls and asks me to help- I don't mind, I'm lucky with my circumstances and he's a nice friend for my son.
I think it depends on whether you feel put out, it sounds like you do. I'd then personally (as a conflict avoider) get in to the excuses before she can, text before she does "the next 2 weeks are crazy at work and given I did the last 2 weeks it makes sense for you to do these ones please". Or get out of it with a "daughter has a new activity/I've got appointments/seeing a friend now on those afternoons so it doesn't make sense for us to share lifts anymore I'm afraid"
You don't have to make a big deal of it or make it obvious you're annoyed if you're worried about playground politics! Little white lies are fine (equally you might want to make a point of it to teach her a lesson, but it sounds like you're not that type of person- me either)

It wouldn't bother me if the girl lived very close to you and you didn't have to go out of your way.

You definitely need breezy but clear and to know what you want to achieve. Some of the suggested replies would (imo) be more likely to put the other mother's back up so I'd avoid those unless that's what you want to do!

So, if you'd rather not do the lift share at all, next time you're asked, just say that you can't as you need to pop somewhere en route so you'll just take your DC.

If you're happy to do the lift share if it's shared, I'd message in advance and ask if she's ok to do the run this week. If she isn't, I'd ask if she's still up for doing a lift share and say no problem if not, it's probably easier for you with work just to sort out your DD anyway so see here there.

As above I would reply saying yes that’s fine as I’m going to struggle to do the next couple so that’d be great if you could do those. If she makes excuses or cancels then just say that as it isn’t working it’s best we just make our own way there

"I'm unable to take your daughter to class anymore."

It depends on exactly the relationship with the child and your daughter. If they’re actually very good friends I’d feel like I needed to try and find a solution to continue: “yes fine to do this week, can you do next week?” Etc.

However if this is a casual acquaintance then I’d be likely to say we’ve got other commitments to fit in beforehand now and lifts aren’t working for us anymore and it’s easier for us to make our own way. I’d be more concerned in that scenario that my daughter was picking up a need to go out of my way please people I barely know at great expense to my self without actually standing up for herself and saying no, actually that’s not working for me.

These things only usually work in my experience if you’re good friends with the mum also and they don’t take the piss. Since you’re in an odd “not really friends” area it’s obviously hard for you to just say what you need, whereas I’m sure you’ll feel more confident telling a friend “actually can this week be your turn?”.

I'd actually message saying, I thought we'd be taking turns with the lifts, but so far it's been one sided. I'm going back to the original plan, so no more lift shares.

If the kids are good friends, honestly I'd just take her, for my daughters sake. If you genuinely don't want to though, you can say something similar to what she said like 'sorry, I'm really pushed for time. Can you take them this week?'. I wouldn't mention that you've done 3 in a row.

The fact that you don't really know her should make it easier to enforce boundaries