Cheeky school mum

[Kag38xh]

DD and her friend both go to a ballet class after school. Despite talk of us taking turns bringing the kids there, the other mum has now started texting me on the day moaning about how busy work is and whether I can just take her DD with us. It was ok the first few times but now am getting a bit more annoyed about it. Not sure whether am being unreasonable or how to reply next time she texts me. Any advice?

It’s when you think someone’s taking the piss it gets annoying. If your DD gets on well and enjoys the half hour before with her friend I would personally really try to push her into committing to the next couple of weeks before a steadfast ‘no’. She might see you as a bit of a pushover- take some control back and if she lets you down next week tell her that you have friends/ grandparents/ plumber over so you’ll have to meet her there and repeat.

Exactly this and can be applied to many other situations with piss takers. The person acting up is never worried about the issue they are causing but the person who speaks up is the one who 'ruined it all'.😒

So are you picking this child up from school?

Has she ever picked up your child from school, had them at hers with snacks, taken them both to the club and dropped yours home again?

How many times have you done it and how many times has she done it?

Is the mum out at work? If so, how was she ever going to take her daughter to the club?

I had exactly this situation with a ballet run. I just sent a text to the mother and said whilst I was happy to do an equal share I wouldn’t be able to cover her turn as well, as I relied on the extra time every other week to get my own work done.

These people are total CFs!!
You need to find your anger op.

In my case she started moaning about work pressure etc and stress, I agreed it was the same for me which is why I won’t be able to continue. She relented in the end, and did her share.

Wr have never become friends, and never will. I can’t stand people like this. I tolerate her for my dd, nothing more.

Well she’s clearly got no problems with asserting hers!

@Polishedshoesalways yeah that's how it's been here. I am pissed off, just need to get better at communicating. We both work so it's basically her prioritising her own job, which is fair enough but I have no idea why I am meant to be facilitating this.

Just checked and I picked her DD up 3 out of 4 times this term. So she's only picked DD up once and at no point did she say oh next week it's my turn.

@Kag38xh plenty of advice here, up to you to implement or keep being walked over

I think I'd say something like-

'Ahh sorry work's busy I'm having a nightmare too, no time for anything is there! Just wanted to check... are you still up for taking turns with the lifts? If not no worries but I'm going to have to find an alternative arrangement for my DD so it doesn't impact work too much. Thanks x'

Message her now whilst you have the spirit of MN behind you.

She has a done a number on you.
Remember you are your daughters role model and example, she needs to see you can hold boundaries or you will end up with a people pleasing doormat! Not a great legacy op, do it for your dd

Just say no it’s not possible anymore. Don’t hassle yourself with looking after her child. It’s not your responsibility. Let this mother sort out after school activities for her child. If she can’t get her child to ballet and back it’s her problem. She needs to look at activities that she can manage.

@Kag38xh so what are you teaching your dd? Are you inadvertantly teaching her that in order to maintain a friendship she (or you) have to somehow capitulate to other people's demands? Do friendships have to be 'bought'?

Teach her to be strong and confident in making a friend, without strings. And teach her that it is her right to make friends, and not your responsibility to maintain them (beyond the reasonable parenting responsibilities of supporting the friendship).

Could you offer to do all drop offs and she does pick ups?

All the years my DC were in junior school this particular brand of CF was a constant theme. If you are polite but blunt it honestly has less of an impact on diplomatic relationships than not saying what you mean.

A friend of mine who is lovely but very keen not to offend got into this situation when one particular pushy parent said, “your DC does football tonight doesn’t he? Could you just sweep up my DS this once?” She said “yes, no problem” which was followed by “lovely, thanks so much, and if you could just drop him off at home afterwards”. Next week she asked if my friend could do the next couple of weeks to get her out a tight spot as she was The Busiest Person in the World and “you don’t work” (friend was a SAHP). Flustered friend mumbled in a non committed way which was steam rollered. In the end my friend was doing all sorts of elaborate hiding in the car park etc and in the end lost it with the woman and ended up looking a bit unhinged! it would have been so much better to say “no that doesn’t work for me” after the first request (regardless of whether it was convenient or not).

Loads of great suggestions... or

"Ha ha nice try, it's your turn tonight and for the next three weeks!"

@YouOKHun I can totally see myself doing the elaborate hiding in the car park before exploding at her. I think it's the fact that this sort of thing would never entered into my head, why do people take advantage that way. Like who in the world has the time to constantly pick up other people's kids when you arent even friends with the parents.

Could you drop the girls off and go home and then the other mum collects them?

So you’re not just collecting from ballet, you are picking up her DD from school, giving her snacks and taking her to ballet then bringing her home?

She is really taking advantage so don’t feel bad about saying no! It sounds like time for a complete reset/cancellation.

I'd just message and say - Hi Sally, when we set up the ballet arrangement we agreed to take turns collecting the girls. Appreciate it's challenging for you to get out of work early but I'm now having similar issues. If you're still happy to alternate each week who collects the kids I'd be very happy to continue that arrangement but I'm afraid I can't do it every week. If you'd like to alternate let me know, if not I'm afraid you'll have to make other arrangements for Sally Jr to get to and from ballet.'

You do seem a little over the top on this - there’s been 4 sessions, she’s done 1 and you’ve done 3. So you’ve only done 1 more. Definitely make sure she does the next couple but it doesn’t sound like it’s been terms and terms!

She clearly doesn't have the same compunction about overriding yours.

Stop responding to her messages.

@FleetwoodMacAttack

there’s been 4 sessions, she’s done 1 and you’ve done 3. So you’ve only done 1 more

🤔

Just say no. Respect your own time and remember that being boundaried is kind.

@FleetwoodMacAttack, OP has done three times as many as Cheeky School Mum. 😀

It doesn't come easy to everyone so well done OP for asking for advice on this thread. You'll feel so much better once you've done it.
Just. Do. It.

💪🏽

My math's isn't brilliant but.....