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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheeky school mum

169 replies

Kag38xh · 15/05/2024 11:55

DD and her friend both go to a ballet class after school. Despite talk of us taking turns bringing the kids there, the other mum has now started texting me on the day moaning about how busy work is and whether I can just take her DD with us. It was ok the first few times but now am getting a bit more annoyed about it. Not sure whether am being unreasonable or how to reply next time she texts me. Any advice?

OP posts:
PenelopeTitsdrop1990 · 15/05/2024 13:20

"Sorry we aren't home. We will be coming straight from my friend's/mum's" Or "sorry we're not going straight home after ballet" and repeat.

Original poster
Kag38xh · 15/05/2024 13:21

I guess my concern is that it will somehow impact on DD and her friendship. But will take on board these different suggestions. School gate dynamics are hard.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 15/05/2024 13:21

Op we got stung before and always us driving. I just bring my own now. But lately the messages are hey has anyone room in their car (twins) on the group app!! Unless you say u do this one can she do next driving...

AngryBird6122 · 15/05/2024 13:22

My advice? Don’t get into any lift share situations. Then you just have to deal with your own child. Back out of this one

LoreleiG · 15/05/2024 13:24

AngryBird6122 · 15/05/2024 13:22

My advice? Don’t get into any lift share situations. Then you just have to deal with your own child. Back out of this one

Agree with this. I am part of a lift share and regret ever agreeing to it and it’s not even half this annoying.

Moveoverdarlin · 15/05/2024 13:26

Can’t take her this week, sorry, got loads on.

Keep it brief, don’t ask her to take your daughter, you sort your family, she can fuck off and sort hers.

needsomeadvice22 · 15/05/2024 13:34

"Can't take her this week, I'm really busy." Just be blunt.

OpalShimmer · 15/05/2024 13:35

TillyTrifle · 15/05/2024 12:48

Depends what you want to happen - does it suit you to have a genuine lift share in place or would you rather just take your own child.

If it’s the former then text her and say you’re happy to share lifts but do need it to be a fairer split so please can she do the next few and then start taking turns.

If you’d rather just back out all together then say ‘I was happy to alternate lifts as a share arrangement but it’s not really panning out that way so probably easier if we just make our own arrangements as I can’t commit to taking X every week I’m afraid’.

This is really good, clear advice! 👍🏻

MyTubeMap · 15/05/2024 14:08

Kag38xh · 15/05/2024 13:21

I guess my concern is that it will somehow impact on DD and her friendship. But will take on board these different suggestions. School gate dynamics are hard.

It already has affected it as she is taking advantage and you are understandably fed up, the status quo has changed. You have a choice, do nothing and get ever more frustrated and also get taken advantage of or nip it in the bud. My experience with all sorts of lift sharing arrangements, is cut your losses, once a cheeky fucker, always a cheeky fucker. You have got to be assertive, it's the only way.

I personally only share where it works for my dc and only if its completely mutual. Anything once sided and I am out. Anyone who takes advantage 2-3 times is out, never to be driven again.

I rather like picking mine up and having nice chats, not possible if there is a random kid in the car.

GerbilsForever24 · 15/05/2024 14:17

Kag38xh · 15/05/2024 13:21

I guess my concern is that it will somehow impact on DD and her friendship. But will take on board these different suggestions. School gate dynamics are hard.

This might seem a bit gung ho, but I take the approach that if another parent is a complete twat and me refusing to accept that means my child won't get to play with that child, so be it. It's probablly a useful lesson for my child and might stop her from being impacted by learned CF behaviour her friend might exhibit.

On that note, I have a friend who is not a CF, but has a bit of a blindspot because she has a daughter with significant additional needs and that has a big impact on how they operate. Fair enough. But it does mean that sometimes she oversteps. But what has become more noticeable as her younger child gets older, is that he is starting to behave in ways that mimic his sibling and/or mother and it's very clearly going to be a problem for him if it isn't nipped in the bud. He's already starting to lose friendships and my friend has also had a few problems on the playground.

fruitbrewhaha · 15/05/2024 14:22

Well she’s not bothered about how she treats you and what impact this may have on her daughter.

Ask her to take this week, if she says she’s busy just say ok, when she asks if you can take her dd say no.

CharlotteBog · 15/05/2024 14:40

ByUmberViewer · 15/05/2024 12:13

Just say can we stick to the original agreement please? The agreement was that we would share the driving.

This is what I would do.
It lets her know that you know she's been taking the piss, and gives her an opportunity to respond. You can then decide what to do based on her response. Give her a chance to have her say.
You don't need to fanny about with pretend reasons.

Justsomethoughts · 15/05/2024 14:47

I think some of the problem here is that the lift sharing isn’t sorted out in advance.
I’d sort this out at the start of the month - “please would you do x dates and I can do y dates”. Give a reason if you need to eg you use that time to book meetings/appointments ahead of time so like to know where you are.

If she continues the last minute messing around, go for one of the PPs suggestions above eg. “I’m happy to do lift sharing but will need a more equal split”.

I’m not sure why she thinks her work is more important than whatever you are doing.

PanicAttax · 15/05/2024 14:50

I'd be fine with it but I do think you need to message and ask if this is to be regular. She should, should mind you, then say something like "thank you so much that would really help me - I'll send snacks/arrange a sleepover/pay for petrol" something to help in return. Or, if you want to be proactive perhaps you can say "I don't mind taking her as long as you can bung me £10pm for petrol?" or whatever you think is reasonable.

Silvers11 · 15/05/2024 14:51

Do you have to stay at the Ballet class while it is on? If not @Kag38xh could you say to her that yes you will take her daughter if she can collect them both? Just a suggestion but that's still sharing things - just not the one week for you and one week for her?

MinnieGirl · 15/05/2024 14:59

HelplessSoul · 15/05/2024 12:38

Easy solution.

Dont respond to her messages.

Fuck her.

Her DD is her problem, not yours. Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.

That’s what I would do. Not respond at all. And if you meet her tonight just say oh yes I think I did see something..I’ve been so busy today.
And next time she asks just say that won’t work for us. Cheeky mare!

Toooldforthis36 · 15/05/2024 17:02

Don’t answer the texts till after the class.

“Sorry been rushed off my feet today, just saw this”

cheeky cow

BMW6 · 15/05/2024 17:09

"No. We agreed to share the lifts and I've done X compared to your Y. Your turn for the next Z days"

Beautiful3 · 15/05/2024 17:10

I'd ask, "Are we no longer sharing the driving? Seems that it always me driving them now 😆 See what she says. You could suggest taking them there, then she collects? Might work out better for her time wise.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/05/2024 17:12

How do you take/collect the girls, @Kag38xh ?

Is she asking you to take them both straight there from school? Or pick up her daughter from their house, stay with the girls and then drop them back to her afterwards? Where is she?

Depending on the answer to the above questions, I would say ‘Oh, I thought we were going to share lifts? If you don’t want to do that, I’m just going to take and collect X myself from now on, it makes things easier for me to just do that, to be honest’

ButterCrackers · 15/05/2024 17:12

Don’t share lifts with this mother as she’s already shown she’s useless and a cf. Just reply no that you’re busy too and can’t take her dd at all there or back. Start every grade with the word no - no it’s not possible etc.

Conniebygaslight · 15/05/2024 17:22

Kag38xh · 15/05/2024 12:11

I don't know other mum that well which probably makes me uncertain about how assert my boundaries.

They’re your boundaries not hers….you only need to know yourself.

Stoptherideiwanttogetoff24 · 15/05/2024 17:26

Does it really take any extra effort to take her kid? Does she get on with yours? I know mine tend to like going to activities with a friend. If it’s no extra work and your kids happy I really don’t get why you’d say no.

Original poster
Kag38xh · 15/05/2024 17:28

We walk to the venue but the club is a bit later than school finish time so I have to look after her DD for half hour or so before we can go there, plus provide all the snacks etc. And it just gets a bit tiring to be honest. I also stay at the ballet so essentially is takes two hours out of my working day. Yes, it would still take me two hours if it's just DD but it's still annoying.

OP posts:
Eggmoobean · 15/05/2024 17:31

“ yeah work is really busy for me to, and I have done the last few weeks haven’t I? If you can’t do the lift share no worries, I’ll make arrangements for my dd.”