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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheeky school mum

169 replies

Kag38xh · 15/05/2024 11:55

DD and her friend both go to a ballet class after school. Despite talk of us taking turns bringing the kids there, the other mum has now started texting me on the day moaning about how busy work is and whether I can just take her DD with us. It was ok the first few times but now am getting a bit more annoyed about it. Not sure whether am being unreasonable or how to reply next time she texts me. Any advice?

OP posts:
shearwater2 · 16/05/2024 02:11

coupdetonnerre · 15/05/2024 23:11

OP Would you not be going there anyway? I would do it for the sake of my DD's social life. If DD's friend quit because her mum couldn't take her then you would still take your own child. So what's the difference in offering her friend a lift whether you lift share or not?

Show quote history

Also this. And as a working mum myself sometimes reliant on favours I was more than happy to give lifts whenever possible and was pleased when I was able to help.

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 16/05/2024 02:32

I would say-

Currently I'm doing more of the ballet drop off. Can we do alternate weeks to keep it fair?

Abi86 · 16/05/2024 04:02

Kag38xh · 15/05/2024 12:40

I really need to get better at bright, breezy and polite 🤣

You want bright an breezy - try this

"no problems. I can do today but I’m tied up for the rest of the week and hoping you can take the girls", or

"yeah, that works. I’ll do today and it’ll make me the drop off mum this week. You’ll be able to take them next week?"

with respect to boundaries - she’s setting the agenda here. You’ve got to keep your boundaries aligned with hers.

JoniBlue · 16/05/2024 04:50

Don't answer her calls.

Easipeelerie · 16/05/2024 06:57

I bet she set up the arrangement in the first place.

I’d extricate yourself. Tell her you’re no longer able to do this.

Genevieva · 16/05/2024 07:12

Get in now with a breezy text saying that you have a busy couple of weeks coming up. As you have done three out of four, please can age confirm she can do the next two?

Alwaysalwayscold · 16/05/2024 07:40

"Hi X, it seems the arrangement hasn't been doable so let's both do our own thing from now on"

MyTubeMap · 16/05/2024 07:41

Kag38xh · 15/05/2024 19:27

@YouOKHun I can totally see myself doing the elaborate hiding in the car park before exploding at her. I think it's the fact that this sort of thing would never entered into my head, why do people take advantage that way. Like who in the world has the time to constantly pick up other people's kids when you arent even friends with the parents.

Being a parent has shown me that there some extremely CF people in the world.

I would not agree to this arrangement at all, it's not just lift sharing it's child minding. next time, say that you won't be able to take the other child as you will be working while 'waiting around'.

Ellie1015 · 16/05/2024 09:20

Explain you also work and you are making the time back. That it needs to be turns each. She possibly thinks you are available every week as finish early/day off. Also moaning about her turn may just be a whinge don't offer to pick up the slack. Next time she tries to get out of it i would say...

"Happy to take turns each for ballet but if that no longer works for you we can make our own seperate arrangements let me know what you want to do"

LadyLazlo · 16/05/2024 09:24

My kids are a bit older now but the things I've experienced with lift sharing!! It keeps it clean to just not do it, unless you're so strung out with arrangements that you'll take the shitty bits for a week off every now and then. It is about weighing up thr costs and benefits.

Also, it's perfectly fine not to be friends with your kids friends mums. Polite, friendly, sure. Friends? Not mandatory, and the kids will be fine.

Mix56 · 16/05/2024 09:28

I would say, "The point of sharing this lift is so that we "share" !
you know, it divides the load in two. You are not doing your share. I also am busy at work.
So I will look after number one too, from now on you will have to find another solution.

ButterCrackers · 16/05/2024 09:29

LadyLazlo · 16/05/2024 09:24

My kids are a bit older now but the things I've experienced with lift sharing!! It keeps it clean to just not do it, unless you're so strung out with arrangements that you'll take the shitty bits for a week off every now and then. It is about weighing up thr costs and benefits.

Also, it's perfectly fine not to be friends with your kids friends mums. Polite, friendly, sure. Friends? Not mandatory, and the kids will be fine.

Agree. I’ve had experience of cf. I had to think that my kindness was seen as something to take advantage of by others. I stopped all lifts, looking after other kids etc. I did this by saying no as my first word when answering a request for ‘help’. It gave me thinking time and made it clear from the start. No I can’t help you. There is no need to give excuses or to say sorry. These cf are manipulators. Keep to your No I can’t help. They will leave you alone once they realise you have boundaries.

Valeriekat · 16/05/2024 10:51

If they are good friends it might be nice for your daughter. I used to take my son and one or 2 of his friends to rugby and I actually enjoyed it but the boys were very sweet and my son was very appreciative. I didn't mind because I liked taking him and got to watch the games.

You are not getting any pleasure from this and it would help you if the other Mum took them sometimes so yes, you should assert yourself.

Valeriekat · 16/05/2024 10:52

To add, I wasn't working at the time either.

Winter2020 · 16/05/2024 15:32

Do you need to stay with the children for class?
If not would it work for you to take both children to class then go home, get tea on, get into comfy clothes etc and the other mum drop your daughter home to you?

Original poster
Kag38xh · 16/05/2024 16:18

Thanks for all the suggestions. We do have to stay in case the kids need anything which is why it takes 2 hrs for one hour club. I appreciate that at the moment I've only done a couple more than the other mum. For me it's the fact that she never mentioned taking DD last couple of times but then texted half hour before pick up to see if I could pick up her DD. So it doesn't sound like she ever intended to take turns but just assumed that I could do most of them.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 16/05/2024 16:34

Just say, "I can't" next time. If she asks why just explain, "because I thought we'd be taking turns to drive, but it's just me taking them both most weeks!" Nothing wrong with saying that.

ButterCrackers · 16/05/2024 17:15

Kag38xh · 16/05/2024 16:18

Thanks for all the suggestions. We do have to stay in case the kids need anything which is why it takes 2 hrs for one hour club. I appreciate that at the moment I've only done a couple more than the other mum. For me it's the fact that she never mentioned taking DD last couple of times but then texted half hour before pick up to see if I could pick up her DD. So it doesn't sound like she ever intended to take turns but just assumed that I could do most of them.

It’s not worth the hassle. This mother can ask someone else. Text her that you can’t have her child at home and then to and from the ballet class any more. Say that you’re too busy to reply to any further messages. End of. Focus on yourself and child. You don’t need this time wasters.

Hotttchoc · 16/05/2024 17:38

Next the she asked reply "It must be your turn tonight? Let me know what time you can pick up DD"

If she says no or doesn't reply at least she won't ask again.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 16/05/2024 17:40

It is a bit silly to give up on the arrangement without even saying anything. You're stewing about it which is an indication the issue needs to be aired.

Just ask her now if she's able to do the next two weeks. And be prepared to say "I can't" if she says she can but then asks you to at the last minute.

Assertiveness is a good life skill. You can do it!

Trickabrick · 16/05/2024 17:42

If you don’t want to be upfront with her, just start to be less responsive ie accidentally leave your phone on silent til you’re there “oops, didn’t realise my phone was on silent” etc. Or tell her you’ll be elsewhere before the class so can’t get her kid too.

coupdetonnerre · 16/05/2024 19:06

Kag38xh · 16/05/2024 16:18

Thanks for all the suggestions. We do have to stay in case the kids need anything which is why it takes 2 hrs for one hour club. I appreciate that at the moment I've only done a couple more than the other mum. For me it's the fact that she never mentioned taking DD last couple of times but then texted half hour before pick up to see if I could pick up her DD. So it doesn't sound like she ever intended to take turns but just assumed that I could do most of them.

So if she can't do it anymore then what?
What if this becomes the only close friend your DD has and you'd have effectively separated them.

You are taking your DD anyway - I am not sure why it's such a big deal.

Polishedshoesalways · 16/05/2024 19:11

Kag38xh · 16/05/2024 16:18

Thanks for all the suggestions. We do have to stay in case the kids need anything which is why it takes 2 hrs for one hour club. I appreciate that at the moment I've only done a couple more than the other mum. For me it's the fact that she never mentioned taking DD last couple of times but then texted half hour before pick up to see if I could pick up her DD. So it doesn't sound like she ever intended to take turns but just assumed that I could do most of them.

Op I feel you are already weakening, this woman is taking advantage of you - for your dds sake advocate for yourself (and her) Tell her unless you can take turns sadly it doesn’t work for you.
You don’t need to say anything further.
I certainly wouldn’t be doing that every week.
Make this her problem. It is her problem. I wouldn’t be driving the friend again and arrange dh to do the next one without friend and he can say if asked you have a 3 week work backlog, no one respects a doormat op ( I have been there)

waterrat · 16/05/2024 19:15

the problem is she can just 'assume' you are going to go anyway - as you haven't pressed/ stated that you would like a proper swap.

Being assertive is not the same as being rude - say -something like

'what would be the best way to split the ballet lifts - would you like to do alternate weeks or are there particular dates you can't do and we can plan six week blocks'

pineapplesundae · 16/05/2024 21:10

Tell her sorry but no since you’ve made other plans.