Is my friend using me for childcare?

[Sunshinemama1]

Hi I'm hoping for some advice as this is an issue my ex brought up a lot to me and very recently my mum has also commented which has shocked me.

My best friend and I are very close and have been friends for over 25 years, for the last year as she knows my schedule asks me to have her baby at least one day per week on my day off which I don't mind at all because I have a great relationship with the baby and it's helping her out.

However recently she booked both her babies christening and her wedding and asked other friends in our group to be the babies godmother and the other friend to be her bridesmaid. Im not a part of the wedding ceremony at all and although it's hurt me I understand the pressure and stress of events like this so obviously put my feelings to one side and have done all I can to support her.

The problem is now that it feels like everybody is bringing it up to me and I don't know what to say, asking if we have fell out or if she asked me and I said no or why am I not a part or the worst is her family or other friends assuming I'm both godmother and bridesmaid.

Since my mum has said to me I'm being used because would I drop my child off all day on my friends only day off work when she's a single parent without food, nappies etc and I couldn't imagine her not being part of my special day. This has made me think am I being used. Any advice would be appreciated.

@Sunshinemama1 how is she asking you to look after her baby? By text/phone? Or is it the same regular day each week so it’s become routine and she doesn’t ask each week? Is she working?

@Teentaxidriver may be blunt, but it's true.
In what way is OP even remotely being treated like a friend by this woman?

Saying it nicely doesn't change the truth.

*In terms of the wedding there has already been mention of me minding the baby over the wedding because she says childcare is too expensive so I think many of you may be right that maybe she is expecting me to step up as childminder for the event.

I am going to let her know I'm changing my work hours and if we could start going on play dates instead and see how that goes.*

I think you're still being to nice. Simply tell her you can't look after her child anymore. It's not convenient. And most definitely don't even think of saying yes to looking after the baby on her wedding day. I think you should prepare yourself not to be invited as well. I'm so sorry - your good nature has been taken advantage of.

I would decline the wedding invitation and book a holiday abroad to avoid being used as unpaid labour.

Assume this 'friendship' with the grabby cheeky fucker is over & celebrate your freedom.

Please let her know what she says when you say you can't do childcare ... it may be she totally understands and is just as good a friend, or she was using you and is pissed off. If the latter, it will be saddening, but you will have a whole day a week to concentrate on what you want to do.

In terms of the wedding there has already been mention of me minding the baby over the wedding because she says childcare is too expensive so I think many of you may be right that maybe she is expecting me to step up as childminder for the event.

I am going to let her know I'm changing my work hours and if we could start going on play dates instead and see how that goes.

You are behaving like a mug now so she is treating you like one. You don't owe her any more of an explanation than a simple 'this situation doesn't suit me anymore'. This isnt a friendship, its an abusive relationship & you're pandering to her whims.

Years ago my friend - one of my best friends - didn't ask me to be a godmother. She has six god parents. All her family assumed I'd be a godparent and even on the day of the christening assumed I was one! I think she didn't feel I was classy or rich or attractive enough. She's still a close friend but I have never forgotten this and it made me far less available.

Mums know best saying! A friend for 25 years with everything you've done, unbelievable. Sorry but this really is beyond inconsiderate and ungrateful. Eyes wide open now and adjust your favours accordingly. Xx

Good idea, let's see how that pans out. OP will see for real how much of a friend she is. Sorry OP. Xx

Sorry OP, sounds like she has no idea how to be a good friend, while you do.
Maybe a new day off hobbie and fade away is the easiest option

How can you look after her child (and maybe others if she offers your serves to others) if you are invited to her wedding?

Stop looking after her child on your day off, it for you to prepare fun things to do with your DD when she is at home or look after yourself, or even catch up on housework.

Play dates will probably mean both of you will go to a place and then she will leave you with hers while she goes off to do errands.

Yes def stop looking after her baby.

Of course she is using you. Say no watch and every time she asks now. Not available; already booked; stuff to do. You won’t see her for dust.

She is such a cheeky cow.

Stop looking after her baby on your day off. She should be paying for childcare and you should be getting a day off with your child and sometime free when your child is at school. Tell her no to looking after her child. You don’t have the free time for this anymore. Don’t listen to her complaining. Just say no and stop the conversation. She’s not a friend to you. She expects your help. What a cf to be thinking you’d be doing her wedding childcare. Again it’s a no. Enjoy your day off. Enjoy not going to the wedding. Put yourself first.

Her behaviour is appalling. If she had to ask the others for particular reasons, she should have told you and explained her thinking, and made sure you also had some special recognition on the day(s).
You have to decide what's best for you, but I'd drop her like a hot brick. She sounds like a real user. And I assume your mother and other family and friends have met her, so they are not judging her on just what you say here. When your friends and family are concerned you're being used by a person, provided those family and friends usually have your well being at heart, then it's usually wise to take their concerns seriously.

Christening- you need to be christened yourself to be godparent, are you?

You're under no obligation to take her baby, but if you do, then she'd better be babysitting for you so you can get out dating or having fun with your friends.

I think before you drop or fall out with her, give her a chance to see if she is willing to help or babysit your child in return. She might be very willing in which case it's a decent arrangement that you could benefit from. If not then drop her

Jesus wept, she's seriously thinking of using you as a childminder on her wedding day? After that, I'd not just drop her, I'd tell her she was a selfish, entitled cow as well. I'd also be tempted to post her a bill for the nappies in a really ugly wedding card. It would be extra fun if she opened it at the reception.

Yep. Definitely using you!

This is so sad 😞

You sound lovely op. Hope you have other friends where it is more of a mutual friendship

You sound like a very sweet, kind person. You deserve the same accordingly.

Kind people like yourself need to be good at setting boundaries. Maybe look into some of that stuff

I was going to say why don’t you talk to her and be honest about how you feel, and give her a chance to straighten out any misunderstandings. Then I read your update to say she’s expecting you to be the childminder during the wedding, and has had the cheek to say she can’t afford child care !! So she’s expecting you to do it all for free and doesn’t even provide the child’s food or other necessities.

She’s using you OP. Wake up and realise it and put a stop to it. This woman isn’t your friend and it’s time to back away.

Hi just wanted to come back on and say thank you again for everyone's replies and some lovely comments it means a lot!
The comments are pretty much what people have been saying to me in person.

My friend who is her bridesmaid confided in me recently and said she feels awkward because she keeps getting the same sort of comments from people as I do and neither of us know how to respond.

I am still going to go the wedding party in the night which I'm invited to but I'm going to make it clear I want to enjoy myself and have a drink so can't be round any children.
I didn't get to enjoy the christening, I was sober and barely seen anyone because I was running round after the kids all day.

I feel stupid but it's hard for me to believe a lifelong friend who I love could be taking advantage of me but this post has made me realise a few other occasions that confirm she definitely is. I get a text every week along the lines of please I need you to have the baby you'd really be helping me out and she loves being with you etc however I do really need that day off through the week so I'm going to make myself less available from now on. If the friendship fades when I stop helping her out with things, then it wasn't a friendship worth having so I'll be okay.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply and for your advice 🩷

I get a text every week along the lines of please I need you to have the baby you'd really be helping me out and she loves being with you etc

She really is a chancer! Is she going to work when she’s asking you to have the baby? If not, what is she doing? If so, what’s her childcare the rest of the time she works??