Is my friend using me for childcare?

[Sunshinemama1]

Hi I'm hoping for some advice as this is an issue my ex brought up a lot to me and very recently my mum has also commented which has shocked me.

My best friend and I are very close and have been friends for over 25 years, for the last year as she knows my schedule asks me to have her baby at least one day per week on my day off which I don't mind at all because I have a great relationship with the baby and it's helping her out.

However recently she booked both her babies christening and her wedding and asked other friends in our group to be the babies godmother and the other friend to be her bridesmaid. Im not a part of the wedding ceremony at all and although it's hurt me I understand the pressure and stress of events like this so obviously put my feelings to one side and have done all I can to support her.

The problem is now that it feels like everybody is bringing it up to me and I don't know what to say, asking if we have fell out or if she asked me and I said no or why am I not a part or the worst is her family or other friends assuming I'm both godmother and bridesmaid.

Since my mum has said to me I'm being used because would I drop my child off all day on my friends only day off work when she's a single parent without food, nappies etc and I couldn't imagine her not being part of my special day. This has made me think am I being used. Any advice would be appreciated.

So your friend sees you as childcare and you see her as a friend.

I don’t think it’s necessary to add that do you ? The OP must be feeling bruised and many posters have made your point just more kindly.

Read all the replies and your update op, I'm glad you have realised, there's nothing worse than watching someone being used.

OP don’t back down from this. She is absolutely not a friend to you - you are just an old friend from way back who she trusts enough to dump her baby on every week, albeit with no nappies etc either.

If she can afford a wedding then she can afford childcare. Depending on her reaction I don’t know that I’d even bother attending her wedding if she’s already hinting that she’s eyeing you up as ‘the wedding babysitter,’ and you’ll likely find yourself in a side room entertaining everyone else’s small children.

Be strong, she certainly has a bloody nerve of steel so meet her with your own.

Your mum is right. I'm so sorry 😞

Yes it loooks as if your "friend sees you as child-care.
Have you seen this other thread OP
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/childcare/427846-looking-after-a-friend-s-child?page=2
Even without the wedding and christening being a factor there are issues in looking after another person's child in your home on a regular basis. Essentially you are working as an unpaid unregistered child-minder without the necessary training, insurance, house safety checks etc. The last post about the risks to you personally if anything happened to the child whilst in your care are very telling.
Yes child-care is expensive, but the reasons for this include staff training, safety checks, insurance and provision of food / nappies etc.
Your providing food is a big risk to you - what if the baby has a food allergy?
Yes you need to pull out of this situation as soon as you can. You can babysit at their house but not provide regular child-care.

I'm going to guess you aren't a bridesmaid as she is going to ask you to look after her baby at the wedding and she'll need the bridesmaid to be available for pictures etc.

Oh dear. You are one of those , aren't you? Got to go round putting people in their place.

Your mum is right. I'm sorry but she is clearly using you. If she valued you, you would have been godmother and a bridesmaid. Deep down you know the truth. Make yourself busy, tell her you can't have the baby any more.

This makes so much sense. She wants to use you for more childcare, so her bridesmaids can be in the photos and enjoy themselves. That's hurtful.

Looking after a baby for free, all day, once a week without even being given nappies or food is shocking!

Agreed. You are a God parent or bridesmaid because she sees you as a unpaid nanny not a friend. Cut off all favors.

This, with bells on. I am sorry for you - it is deeply hurtful to realise you are less important as a friend than you supposed. You sound extraordinarily kind so this is about her and not you. Take a big step back and stop taking care of her child. And I agree with others warning you that she might try to dump the baby on you during the wedding.

OP do not look after her baby on the wedding or any associated events.

She's a disrespectful user. Please choose to not be a mug any longer.

Regards the christening ... many people don't give a shit about faith they only do it to get their kids into a faith school

Did I read right? She drops her baby to you one day a week and doesn't provide anything for the baby for the day?

You are 100% being taken for granted.

Yeah, I would only care for someone’s child that much if they were family or essentially family and I’d expect them to think of me like family too. Her not choosing you to be a bridesmaid or godmother would be the end for me of the childcare and probably the relationship too.

It’s even worse! She drops the baby off to the OP AT LEAST one day a week!

I honestly don’t understand how people get themselves in this situation! A full day childcare round here is £70 a day. Why would you provide that once or twice a week for someone and provide your own food/drinks/milk/nappies?!

Is that what you want to spend your days off doing-looking after her child all day alone?

I presume she gets to spend her days off with her child and husband to be?

You say she's your best friend and you are close, but if she saw you as her best friend then you would have been a bridesmaid and godmother. It's never nice when you realise than someone means more to you than you do to them. I would step back from the friendship and focus on the positives of not being godmother and being obligated to buy the child birthday and xmas gifts, and not being a bridesmaid and having to organise a hen-do. You seem like a lovely person and a loyal, kind, friend - don't let your 'friend' continue taking advantage of you. Good luck.

she sees a lot of benefit in you. she is not thinking about what you need or want. explain politely and firmly that this is not working for you....useful phrase. you may get backlash from her but that is manipulative. rinse and repeat if necessary ...it doesn't work for you. she probably has form for this with others too who are " friends". if she gives you a big gesture gift to manipulate u that does not cover all your input either. good luck

Good job the OP isn’t a teacher (assuming she’s not)

She’d be running a one child holiday club once the bride’s child reaches school age.

Hi. Yeah I'm afraid that is the case. I had a friend who did it to me years ago. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to lose the friendship but it got more frequent. I moved away so it stopped and I barely hear from her now. However, I now have 2 relatives who do the exact same thing. They take the absolute mickey. Leaving me with their kids for extra shifts, days to go out and do leisurely things, holidays even a time or two...I've had to book trips intentionally just so I don't have to looked after their kids on my day off. It's exhausting. They also don't invite me out to do anything fun and I rarely see them otherwise. But I can't say anything because it would cause issues in the family. I really do feel for you but I'm not sure how to approach it without her taking offense.

Oh OP I am so sorry. This must be very hurtful for you.

It would be interesting to tot up just how much money you have saved her since starting to be child care for her! I would withdraw this favour and see how she reacts. It will be very telling.

On the bright side, just think what lovely things you could do with your day off!!

I wouldn't say you've changed your work hours. Shell just change her childcare needs to suit your hours!

I'd just tell her "From x date, I won't be able to take her anymore".

Go and enjoy your day off.