Bloody Prize giving

[AllienOlliemum]

I have 3 DC in the same school, it's a grammar school and tends to achieve very good results. Every year they do prize giving. There are two award categories, Excellence and Effort.
Last year I queried what exactly excellence is in this case and was told "The excellence awards are decided by each department as a whole and considering attainment, attitude, progress and effort" the second award category is simply for effort.
In the upper school (Y10-13) 3 students are selected for each subject and ranked 1st, 2nd and 3rd for excellence, and 3 students (if enough uptake of the subject) are given effort, not ranked). In Lower school (Y7-9) 5 students are selected for excellence, not ranked and 5 for effort not ranked.

Today the upper school prize giving awards list was sent out. The actual ceremony is at the end of June but I guess it's because some leavers will have to plan around it. My eldest DD is in Y11, sitting her GCSEs and for the 5th year running not a single award. She has fantastic predicted grades and we are frequently told how hardworking and diligent she is. As per usual though it's the same kids as always. In fact one girl has an award in every single subject she must have taken, 7 Excellence awards and 3 Effort! With 1st in 5 of those! She also seems to have won the award for an essay writing competition and the award given by the historical society!
My other two children (Y8 and Y9) have also never received an award to date but the lower school awards aren't announced until middle of June.
Last year I queried how it is possible one child wins all the awards and was told the departments select their own winners and can't know who the other departments have chosen.
There are also non academic awards such as Integrity, but typically it's always the same students who get these too.

AIBU to be massively pissed off with this bloody system which is centred around favouritism!
It's every good damn year!

Hi there. We had a lot of high achievers at my school and we all knew the top two scorers of every single subject. One student would get 95%+ in all exams and featured in our local newspaper as a child genius. There are definitely top achievers across the board. That said, I would ensure that not every teacher chooses the same student so that other high achievers can be recognised. In my school, we had a similar system with awards every year but the student was rarely picked twice. I received awards every year for different subjects (I was a high achiever in every subject) and to be honest, I think when you've received the award, you feel a sense of pride that you have been acknowledged.

It’s actually very realistic - children with a very high IQ will likely do very well in most subjects. The fairness or the point of always recognising the most academic/intelligent is more suspect I think, I’d rather schools notice children who improve lots/work hard etc (and I say this as someone who won several of those type awards at school)

We had awards like that in my school but they were kind of seen as the "pity" awards. Definitely not a good mentality but the teenagers in my school shared that thought

So you admit that she's talented across the board and very hard working. All the more reason to believe it's fair she wins the awards. What's your issue exactly? Jealousy's not a good look.

What a gross thread. Can't let an obviously intelligent young lady get too far ahead of herself. Lets beat her right back down where she belongs 🙄

I just find it hard to believe that one child is dominating every subject, surely most agree that isn't realistic!
It's very easy to believe. I saw it when I was at school. My children all knew a child like that. It often depends on whether they are 'allowed' to shine because there have always been parents like you and fellow students like your daughter willing to tear down those who do better

DD finds it frustrating. She claims this girl is a bit of a try hard and teachers pet. DD thinks most people at school are very intimidated by her as she's the "full package" (sporty, creative, academic and attractive) but doesn't seem to have many friends
How dare she intimidate others by being herself and enjoying all of the activities she is good at. That makes her a 'try hard'? In what way. She obviously 'tries very hard' and reaps the rewards for it so how and why is that thrown back as a negative? 'Teachers pet' ? Works hard, obviously intelligent and probably pleasant in the classroom so a good student to have. So again, another negative with 'teachers pet'

DD went to primary with her for Y5 and 6 (she moved from elsewhere) and they didn't get on very so well so I do think DD is bitter about it
Your DD is as jealous as all fuck and you are feeding that. No reason your dd can't put the same effort in and try to achieve similar results 🤷‍♀️

Other parents don't seem to have the same issue of their children getting absolutely no awards despite consistently doing well
Doesn't tell you anything?

I won every subject award during my A-levels and even though I went to a grammar school (so swots should be par for the course) I was soooo embarrassed
I can still hear the deputy head saying “the sixth form prize for English AND history AND biology goes to…” and then having to collect my £10 book tokens (insufficient compensation for my embarrassment, I felt)
I hate that anyone would feels like this. I know some kids are shy or don't like the spotlight but I also think that we still tear down young women who work hard and achieve well. You can see it by the language in the OPs posts.

I know it's not a big deal in the real world but it definitely dents my kids confidence in the short term
How? Your childs confidence shouldn't be reliant on receiving an award that she hasn't earnt. Why does someone elses achievement affect YOUR teens confidence?

There should probably be a rule where kids can only win in 3 subjects and maybe an all round excellence award if they happen to be little miss perfect!
I think we've dumbed down enough and I'd prefer the message that would give to NOT be the default anymore. If a kid has earnt it, they should not be made to minimise their achievements. Calling a high achieving young lady 'Little Miss Perfect' is pathetic

Considering according to DD she doesn't have many friends I don't think many people do!
Considering the ilk of those around her like your daughter, I wouldn't try and read anything into it.

See DD doesn't seem to think she struggles socially, she thinks that the girl is quite picky on who she is friends with but actually very competent socially.
Sounds like her intelligence extends beyond her academic ability. She would need to be quite picky about her friends considering how the other students obviously talk about her. You think she wouldn't know that?

A lot of the kids seem to think she's rude. Though in DSs year (9) apparently she is known as the "hot smart girl" so her reputation as rude seems to only apply to her year
Or those directly threatened by/jealous of her. Makes sense. Of course you explained to your DS how reducing her to the 'hot smart girl' is completely inappropriate as well, right?

I think DD doesn't like her as she seems to get favourited a lot
Your DD is jealous and petty. And you are feeding that. So maybe reeveluate your own behaviours and just stop 🤷‍♀️

So I worked briefly in a private school - the process I saw was a big sheet in the staff room and staff wrote down nominations under each category: Anyone who agreed put a tally next to the child’s name.

The problem was some teachers went purely on merit - meaning one kid got six awards. Others went on the basis (my preferred one) of “Well Lucy doesn’t need six awards, two will suffice and I’ll nominate for the other 4 kids who are not as high achieving as Lucy but they’ve still done well and it would mean the world to them to receive an award”

The issue was the process wasn’t consistent. I did ask one day what the party line was and the Head’s framework was “just put whoever you want to down”

It seems pretty realistic. I might have done this, combined with my best friend we certainly did this, plus a good 10 sets of colours between us and the two major overall final year awards. On the other hand, it would be extremely unusual for one student to take out the award in one major subject and not be at the top of several others. If I topped pure maths, why wouldn’t I also top applied and physics?

Wow. I hope little miss perfect keeps right on little miss perfecting and has an awesome life and career despite all the people trying to take her down out of sheer petty jealousy, including the mums of her peers.

So you send your child to an academically excellent school with a competitive, academic entrance criteria and then cannot stand the academically, excellent competition within it.

A "try hard"? Well, that's why she's doing so well, because she, you know, puts a lot of effort in as well as being a naturally very bright polymath. She may not be overburdened with friends if she's head and shoulders above everyone else academically and if their parents are bitching about her all the time, but she will find her tribe at university and thrive. Whether YOU want her to or not.
Good for her!

My dds school do this. There's 1 for each subject, then several for sports, effort and head teacher award.

1 dd was extremely bright, did well in each subject never got a single award.

Other dd also bright but put less effort in , got 1 award in year 7 for charitable contribution as she did a fundraising campaign that year.

It basically split into two , the same 4 or 5 kids got the academic ones and about 10 sporty kids got the rest.

They didn't say in advance so parents would go and literally sit for 2 hours for no reason.

'a try hard' and 'little miss perfect'... Wow op i hope your daughter is not learning anything from you. Pathetically jealous on your part.

I was very jealous of my friend who won 90% of our school prizes most years.

It was obvious to all of us that she was indeed the highest achiever academically. She knew all the hardest answers. Her homework was thorough and immaculate and often shared with us as an example. She frequently got 100% in class tests.

She was a lovely girl. I knew I shouldn't be jealous and hoped it didn't show. I decided to target my three best subjects and see if I could get prizes by doing better than her. Last couple of years, I did.

Do you think you care too much about your daughter getting prizes? She seems bothered. If she really wants one, tell her to focus on doing better than at least one of the five winners. There's no merit in a prize you haven't earned.

But also tell her there is a world out there and if she measures herself by other people's praise and comparisons, she makes her world smaller. I didn't learn that until after school.

My school didn't invite parents though - we'd have been mortified! I don't envy you sitting through that.

Last thought - if your daughter has absorbed the teenage fear of being seen to try hard, that probably explains why she's not getting effort prizes. It may explain the lack of excellence prizes too. It often stops children from excelling.

Hope she does well and gets a prize eventually, but that's something to watch out for.

If you send your children to an academically selective school, the competition for the top prizes will be very high. Most of the class will be bright and hard working.

Do you complain that it is favouritism when the fastest runners win the races on sports day? My DD wins some of the running medals but she trains hard for that. She runs six times a week and does gruelling sessions. She works bloody hard at sport, shows up for competitions at the weekend and isn’t flakey. She gets her chosen sports options and is selected for teams. Other parents and pupils, who have no clue how much effort she and some of her peers put in, might think they are the favourites but they have earned the respect of the teachers. It is the same for academics, there is a lot going on behind the scenes that teachers see but parents don’t.

Has your daughter volunteered to participate in subject assemblies, started up a club related to her favourite subject, helped out in open days, consistently performed at the top of her class all year (this will only be the ones who work very hard)? There are plenty of other examples, but at selective schools, these are the kind of things that get the effort and achievement prizes.

From everything you’ve written I’m quite envious of this girl myself, she sounds fabulous! She is likely to have learnt that she needs to be picky about her friends, she will doubtless be aware of jealousy from girls like your DD and she has no time for it; your DD feels this is rude, but why should she make time for people who bitch about her being ‘little miss perfect’ and ‘teacher’s pet’ and a ‘try-hard’. Can you not hear how mean-spirited and immature comments like this are?

How does it make teachers ‘look shallow’? What a ridiculous comment. ‘Teachers’ don’t decide on the awards system (or much else), which will likely have been in place for decades. The head of department will be asked to nominate pupil(s) fitting certain criteria by a given date. One more task to complete, probably after discussion with dept staff.
Where does ‘shallow’ come in?

I was the irritating award-winning child at my school, which had rather similar procedures.

Two thoughts: if the excellence award is based largely on test and exam results then they have to give it to whoever got the highest mark. 99% vs. 91% on a maths test isn't about favouritism.

Second, this whole thing is probably even more nightmarish for the girl who wins all the awards because there's the persistent pressure of expectation (and possibly a pair of very pushy parents).

I agree that it's not a good system.

I agree with this.

Also real life isn’t actually about scooping all the rewards. It gives children the sense we are all on one path with one goal in mind.

In reality, what matters is the ability to pursue your own personal goals. For some that will be owning a business that generates lots of financial reward ( not necessarily a school prize winner); for others it will be getting a highly qualified profession ( and more than just the prizewinners will make it); for others it may be a sporting goal; for others fame in the arts; for some being a house husband in a happy home … and on it goes. In very few instances will a class of Dc continue to compete against the same group for the same goals, so it gives a false sense of some kind of pecking order that actually doesn’t have any real bearing on anything much.

But the competition around the awards does teach the lesson that if they want to be the best at something, they have to work to get there. It teaches them that they can't always "win". It gives them a sense of how to deal with "failure" and a target to aim for next time.

There's really important life lessons around awards and competitions.

I was this kid in high school (except for sport, was rubbish at sport). I know that the other girls talked about me, but what was I going to do? Deliberately mess up my GCSE’s / A levels so Abi and Laura would stop being jealous little bitches? Erm, no.

seriously teach your daughter to get over it, rather than pander to it. In the real world there’s always someone doing better than you and you need to learn to live with that.

The problem is exactly that though. The prizes ( ignoring for now the effort because as others have pointed out who can tell who worked hardest) are awarded on the basis of best maths score, best science score etc ( and actually IME only in theory) . But for a child who bay not be particularly academic but wants to be entrepreneurial, the lesson they repeatedly get is “ you’re nowhere near being a winner mate.”

The best two schools I have come across both as a child myself and a parent downplay the grand end of term/year prize giving style system of rewards and have deeper systems in place that work to reward and reinforce individual goals at an individual level. I think this is healthier because in reality we all run a different race. And while we can’t sll won the same competition, we can all , with application and self-belief, win our own goals - and will fail along the way. What is the school prize giving system teaching the child who wins every year about failure?

What is surprising about this thread is not just what an utterly awful woman (and DD) the OP comes across as

but also the fact that so many mumsnetters seem to have been the child at school that won all the prizes 😆

little miss perfect!

So many possible quotes… but let’s go with that one to say, @AllienOlliemum you really are horrible.