Malapropisms

[CaptainJinksOftheHorseMarines]

A number of us used to meet regularly every 6 weeks, and each time had to introduce ourselves by giving our name and title since there were sometimes new people at the meetings; and also to document who was in attendance in the minutes. There was a woman there who used to introduce herself every time as the “material” grandmother instead of maternal grandmother. Most of us at the meeting found her mistake amusing, but not in a mean way. I sometimes think back and wonder if I should have told her (privately) that she had it wrong. AIBU to have not said something at the time? Would it have been rude to? In a similar vein, when I was in elementary school, I used to believe the line in the Canadian national anthem, “Oh Canada! We stand on guard for thee” was actually, “Oh Canada! We stand on GOD for thee.” Six-year-old me couldn’t figure out why anybody would stand on God. What a dumb thing to do. It wasn’t until the words were put on an overhead projector during assembly a couple of years later that I realised that the correct word was actually “guard.” I still cringe when I think about it.

We will quite often bid each other "au reservoir" when leaving

(Thanks E F Benson!)

On a First Aid Course, the person leading it kept referring to the 'Heimlich Remover'. Didn't really inspire a lot of confidence.

I worked with a woman who thought paraphernalia meant nonsense/crap. Eg, ‘I’m sick of all [insert person’s name]’s today.’

During a pond dipping session at school, my lovely little 1:1 child kept saying he was "hunting for tampons". He meant tadpoles, but would not be corrected!

Small S1 once asked me what consecrated meant.

I was in the middle of an explanation when he obviously realised this wasn't quite right and added "like consecrated orange juice!"

(to go with the desecrated coconut, obviously...)

DD2 has.juat been in a dance show. In all the communications about hair, the dance teacher kept using 'pattern' instead of 'parting' - 'hair should be in a slicked back bun with a middle pattern' etc. weirdly when she speaks she says 'parting'!

My friend's aunt used to lie down with a couple of paramedics whenever she had a headache.

Oooh . . . I would like to try that!

In fact, I can feel a headache coming on right now . . . .

😂😂😂

A colleague of mine was getting her house decorated and told us the walls were painted Mongolia instead of magnolia

Elderly aunt arrived late for a funeral, as our John's Sat Lav got us lost. DH always refers to Velcro as velchrome.
@Iwouldratherbesinging
Are you from the black country by any chance??? My husband coming back from London, reverted to his childhood from Dudley... When he saw the chimneys.. Aaww look the chimleys..

A btl comment on the DM about today's maternity services story...

No idea why it's so huge. 😕Click to read.

Yes, brilliant, that makes sense. If barbie girl can live in a barbie world, then why can’t a rag doll/girl live in a raggedy world? That’s what I had in mind too. A sort of Raggedy Ann or Patchwork girl of Oz type character living in a cloth (material) world.

My mum used to put P45 on the skin on her legs!

This might be an age thing- it comes from an old TV show (but don't ask me which one). They've always been Muriels in our house

Not quite on the same lines but DS once asked me what AA stood for - I told him it was Alcoholics Anonymous - he asked why people called out the alcoholics to fix cars that had broken down on the motorway..

Here too - it was Hilda Ogden from Corrie who coined the phrase

Prouder Willy syndrome.... as announced by my middle child aged about 9 at the time.

How we laughed!

In the days before everyone had mobile phones me and a friend went shopping in a town we weren't familiar with and promptly lost each other. After an hour wandering around we finally found each other to which he declared "I thought you'd been adopted by aliens".

My Nan always used to speak proudly about walking to Sunday school in the village from her boarding school with all the girls wearing bloaters on their heads.
she had no idea.

When i was in hospital the elderly lady in the next bed was asked her religion

'Bank of Scotland' came the reply

Local church group used to say does anyone want anything from the Triad Craft (Traid Craft - Fair Trade) xupboard.

It tickled me to think of Chinese gangsters baking stem ginger biscuits, or growing fair trade tea,

Much more wholesome than all that extortion and racketeering eh? Reformed characters, the lot.

My mum and gran had loads.

Bled like a stick insect.

Oh It went down like a wet squid (squib).

I have two.

Camping holiday c1975, game of badminton with very restrained DM. Birdsong from the woods, DB, thats a woodchuck, 14year old me, don't be silly. DM why's he being silly. Me, he just says the most EROTIC bird he can think of. DM, what the actual? Me, he doesn't know, he's just saying the most EROTIC bird he can think of. At this point I colour up, the word I wanted was EXOTIC.

DW always uses REALISM instead of REALITY. Big local politics on the phone, DW, without fail ... the REALISM of the situation is....

This wins 🤣

DS used to call us Dummy and Maddy.

He wasn't wrong! 😄

Er... did you mean woodcock or did he commit a malapropism too?