To be put off by his literacy issues?

[Saratoga212]

It's becoming increasingly clear that bf (9.yrs older) has literacy issues.

After numerous things I, gently, suggested perhaps he could be dyslexic but not diagnosed due to lack of awareness and diagnosis when he was at school ..... He didn't say much at the time but has since expressed considerable offence at the suggestion
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(I actually thought I was being diplomatic, as opposed to saying "how can your literacy be so poor, coming from a family of teachers?" (The females in the family are/were teachers; I get the impression his late father was not literate)).

I'm also finding it off-putting, especially because he sometimes overcompensates/deflects by acting as though I am slow and obtuse when not grasping what he is saying in his incomprehensible texts.

(He mostly avoids texting).

Would this put you off someone for a relationship?

From his offence at what I said, I don't think he would be remotely open to eg an adult literacy course.

That’s totally fine, but if OP is a voracious reader and wants to be able to discuss the latest book she’s reading with her partner, somebody who struggles with the Famous Five probably wouldn’t be a good fit for her.

They will probably make a wonderful partner for somebody else, so there’s no point in dragging this relationship out any further as it isn’t fair on either of them.

When women post on here that their husband doesn’t pull his weight round the house or financially, or spend all their time gaming, or various other things, the responses are often along the times of ‘why are you with him?’ or ‘why did you have kids with him knowing what he’s like?’. A large part of the answer is that women are socialised to ‘be kind’ or to overlook issues in their relationships. This thread proves that.
No one owes anyone a relationships. You can end a relationship for any reason.

My father was illiterate. It frustrated him and I’m sure contributed to the violence towards my (literate) mother. Yes, it would put me off.

I’m an author, book blogger, reader, worked in a book shop and literacy rarely comes up with my friends or dh but the fact that it even came up- if it’s a thing for you eg if you live for wordle, discuss books you read, grammar mistakes irritate you then it’s a thing for you and ye just aren’t suited. It’s whether it’s actually a deal breaker, you shouldn’t want to change someone and if they don’t want to change you can’t!

I would absolutely be with someone who had dyslexia, who owned the issue, and needed help to do stuff. No concern at all. I’d help.

would I be with someone who was functionally Illiterate , refused to acknowledge their limitations, got me to do stuff for them when giving instructions, and then topped it off by insulting me and making out I was thick as I didn’t understand them, would I hell.

It’s not the actual literacy issue that is the problem - it’s his attitude, saying you are obtuse/speaking loudly and slowly, saying that he won’t use a computer and expecting stuff done for him.

he could admit the issue and it could be helped. His attitude prevents this, so it’s a deal breaker.

Communication is huge for me.

I enjoy sending messages to someone when not with them and calls/voice notes are not always convenient.

It would 100% put me off, as would his attitude.

We are perfectly entitled to have deal breakers... it isn't shallow to realise what is important to you and shape relationships accordingly.

If he was open to learning and maybe getting some help I would have more sympathy, but his arrogance just makes him seem a bit of a bully

I grew up in Scotland but dyslexia was recognised in both primary and secondary. But there was very little help from school.

However he's managed to get through life with the issues he has, he's held down a job, he's raised his kids.
He's obviously frustrated by the inability to read. But you aren't going to change him.

You can only decide if you love him warts and all or if you want to move on?
Do you enjoy his company, do you meet on an intellectual level, do you have the same interests??

Yep this is the red flag.

I’ll not go into detail, and it would be a shame to tar everyone with the same brush, but I was in a relationship that had many similarities from what you have summarised, and it ended up being horrific and I struggle to even think about it these days. Worst relationship of my life.

My ex was diagnosed with dyslexia in his late 30s. I pretty much suspected it, and my Mum (then a primary teacher) helped me with directing him to support. He worked in the bank, and had been unsuccessful with promotions, due to his written work. I have a PhD in Linguistics (was studying when I met him.)
He would have been born in the late 70s, and that was not a common check at that time. My Mum said it was really the late 80s/early 90s before it was even routinely spoken about in primary schools (Scotland.) I could see that your DP could well be in this same situation, that it was never really a consideration.

However, my ex did follow up on it, through a local FE College - and did eventually get the support he needed (talk to text software/automatic spellchecking/coloured screen & paper, etc.), and moved on successfully in his role.

I think that the big issue for you here is that, even if he was diagnosed, then it seems unlikely that he would want to engage with the help and support available. Only you can decide if that means you don't want to continue with the relationship. We all choose to be with someone for different reasons; this is no different.

Yeah I don't necessarily think this is a red flag. He's clearly embarrassed.

Look, my husband is very dyslexic, sometimes I can barely decipher texts he has sent and have to call to ask. We're at a point where he laughs at himself, but that doesn't mean he isn't embarrassed at times. Two of my three sons are also very dyslexic - as someone who has never had issues with spelling or reading and writing, it's kind of hard to comprehend. But it is embarrassing for them, no one wants to be singled out and thought of as 'thick' because they can barely read.

That being said, if he's making you feel bad or you just don't want to deal with it anymore, then don't. You're not obligated to stay with someone to spare their feelings.

My son’s best friend can’t read or write, he’s 12 with a pretty significant speech problem. Once you learn to tune in, he’s whip smart, funny, hard working at practical tasks, polite and all the good things. But if any kid takes the piss out of his speech, he’s on them like a tonne of bricks and they won’t say anything again. I’m sure OPs boyfriend knows he’s got literacy issues and has had people comment his whole life. It’s fine for him to defend himself from sneering people, even when it’s his girlfriend. As for “accepting help” as PPs are suggesting he should, honestly if he’s managed thus far in life, maybe he just doesn’t want to meet other people’s literacy standards!

saying you are obtuse/speaking loudly and slowly

Just to be really accurate, he didn't say I was obtuse .... I felt like he was heavily implying I was obtuse with the loud, slow, emphatic speaking (when he was clarifying the texts I couldn't understand).

saying that he won’t use a computer and expecting stuff done for him.

When I asked about him learning to use a PC/tablet/smart phone, he said that local men he talks to only really use the internet for online dating (they boast about!their conquests) and for porn use (which they then talk about; apparently he was subjected to an enthusiastic diatribe about "squirters", yes, really).
And that in his position (single father of a family of teens) and in general he wouldn't want people to think he was online doing things like that (to his teens, in laws, others) so he sees it at best to not go online/to be able to say he doesn't go online at all.

I found this bizarre on a number of fronts; surely other men he knows use the internet for things other than that, why would people assume he is the same as those particular men, how would people even know etc.

I told him that the internet is a virtual world with everything imaginable and that it's increasing the only, or most convenient, way to do things e.g. banking, holiday booking etc. That he really shouldn't focus on what a few idiots who hang around his village's meeting points talk about.

He was adamant on this though.

I do wonder increasingly if it's an excuse (he thinks his literacy is too poor).

I know a guy whose literacy is poor. His spelling is generally fine (I would guess partly due to autocorrect) and the problem is not so much stereotypical "bad grammar", i.e. use of non-standard dialect, it's bad grammar in a deeper sense, constructions unlike how anybody speaks - including himself. His spoken English grammar and word choices are entirely normal. He seems to have a block specifically in turning sentences in his brain into written ones.

I’m sure OPs boyfriend knows he’s got literacy issues and has had people comment his whole life.

That's a big assumption. He wasn't worked jobs requiring much literacy.

It’s fine for him to defend himself from sneering people, even when it’s his girlfriend.

I'm very interested indeed in having where I sneered at him pinpointed.

i had a previous partner before DH who ran a business very bright and clever could read papers car mags ect stuff with pictures but not a book, he could not write, i realised after about 3 months, i broached it very carefully, in a throw away kind of way, he asked how long i had known.
He definately compensated in other ways fabulous with numbers ect.
It would not put me off.

I would struggle, because reading is so important to me, and I want children and their education is also very important to me. So a partner who wouldn’t be a hands on dad in our children’s education , read stories to them etc, nor understand why I want to curl up with a book is a no go.

I'd find this hard to manage @Saratoga212

Test him out. Print stuff out on coloured paper - maybe leave him notes on post it's. See if he comments on preferring any of the coloured papers, then give him everything on that coulour of paper. He's likely dyslexic but you need to move him to agreeing then then getting diagnosed (if he wants) but getting support at work - surely it's crippling him in the work place...

but getting support at work - surely it's crippling him in the work place...

He doesn't currently work, he lives off benefits and rental income.

He used to be a delivery driver.

He also co-ran a small business; I'm not sure how he managed that, it's possible he did not do the admin.

(He did a trade course a while back but hasn't completed the practical experience to get qualified and doesn't seem particularly driven to do so).

It would be a no from me.

Do you not think he's deliberately choosen jobs that don't require much reading?

Of course he knows it's an issue. He'll have been made to feel stupid in school, even if they did recognise it.
Remember the 80s were the years of the P1 classes, being split into groups, it didn't take a genus to work out the Green table were very bright and the Yellow a bit dim.

None of the mixing the tables up and kids in different groups for different things

*enthusiastic diatribe

Actually diatribe is probably the wrong word, since it's usually a negative thing; whereas this man was enthusiastic in a positive way (!)

Do you not think he's deliberately choosen jobs that don't require much reading?

He didn't choose it, as such, he was given it through family connections.

This for me would be a bigger deal breaker than some crappy texts. It’s been 6 months, don’t waste anymore time on him, bin him off and find another.

Of course he knows it's an issue.

If so, perhaps he should try to do something about it.

Rather than speaking to me like I'm hard of hearing and slow; because I can't make out what his misspelled, incomprehensible texts mean.