To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

Good advice.

What @Mayflower282 said
You are allowed to say no.

I’m sorry if it has already been mentioned but do you have any siblings?

OP, you know this situation isn't sustainable and with her only being 67, it must change as you can't carry on like this.
You're allowing her to make stupid decisions, unwise choices and plain spiteful behaviour because SHE knows you will come to sweep the mess up, pay the bills and pick her up.
Please don't think I'm criticising you, you are trying to be a good daughter to her. She obviously has history of making unwise decisions which your father had to deal with.
Some people just can't help themselves, whatever you do she will sabotage it and get herself in more difficulties. Rip the plaster off now, get her into some supported housing.
You need to concentrate on YOUR family. Good Luck.

So sorry you are going through this OP.
My own mother has spend all of her life (since she was 11 and she's now 65) doing everything for her parents.

My mam has tried to do her best for us etc but ultimately her parents came first and guilted her into doing everything for them. No social life, balancing work, looking after us (then in turn being able to have some down time when I was off school/uni/or work as I was available to look after them), no holidays, limited family time and now in my mid 30s everything still revolves around them.
I don't mind saying it on here.....but I do feel resentful!

My mam feels perpetual guilt that she hasn't done enough for them (even though she's gave her life to them).
I have vowed to my parents that I will not be doing all of this for them.
My grandad is now 94....... but retired at 50 due to ill health (he's like a bionic man and don't know how he's still here with all of his health problems). When my nanna was at work on late shifts it was up to my mam to make her dads dinner and do housework etc before she could do anything.
Prior to grandad being ill my Nanna had severe mental health problems and required being admitted, then also physical health problems.

For the sake of yourself and your children I hope you manage to step back from the toxic relationship and establish some boundaries.

Take care OP

OP, I've been there with elderly parents who ran me into the ground and made me physically and mentally ill. You can't keep doing this. Ultimately your response to this is becoming very life limiting for you and your kids now, and how you're dealing with the stress by reducing your own self care will have an impact on your fitness levels now and in the future - you owe it to yourself and your family to do stuff to support yourself.

I binned off a lot of the driving up and down and now and stepped back. Yes it was hard but it was better than keeping going.

It also might be worth looking into therapy for yourself. I had some counselling and it helped with the guilt.

A couple of points:

You say you're worried your Mum will die but the one thing guaranteed is that we all die. There's nothing you can do to stop it!

The stuff about your mum falling and not being able to get in and out the house - it sounds like she needs to be assessed for adaptations, walking aids etc. You're not going to be able to stop her falling either.

Basically there is going to be some sort of crunch point sooner or later, and you need to get a plan in place for how you deal with that, even if your mum won't.

If your DM has any sense she'd agree to an assessment now, POA, getting any adaptations she can in place/moving to somewhere that is adapted. But if she's not open to discussing it then there's nothing you can do to force her. You can explain that you're not able to continue and see if she'll respond to an ultimatum that you can help her if she starts helping herself.

I remember trying to talk to my DM about this (I was spending a fortune driving up and down and frankly was getting a bit pissed off about them refusing help) and she started giggling and laughing over the top of me speaking. Someone up thread said this was a common situation and it really is.

If she keeps going like this then you can't! Don't bail her out again either, it sounds highly unlikely she'll have stopped spending. And ask for the money back.

It’s a really difficult situation for you and I do sympathise. You are running yourself ragged trying to do everything but you can’t.

You are going to feel guilty either way, so I guess you have to choose.

a) you can either feel guilty not supporting your DM who hasn’t supported you, and only seems to think of herself (and has been unkind to your DD) OR

B) you can feel guilty because you have not supported your own family; your young children and your DH who has been very understanding and supportive… this guilt will be worse

Your DCs are the future you should choose them. You have to savour the time when they are young as its gone in a flash

Please stop doing all this for her now. You will have a breakdown.

She needs to take responsibility for herself. If she stops eating and dies, that is her choice.

You need occupational health and Adult social services involved. My father had MS and had carers even with my mother there. He needed hoisted out of bed…,now years down the line my mother needs a carer each day to help with getting up and going to bed. The carers are a god send as I live too far away, my brother can’t help her with personal care etc. Tell her you are contacts g them because you might be her daughter but you are also a mother and wife and your children need you more.

Your little baby, your older children and your husband - and indeed your own self - are far more important than your mum. You are being unreasonable to prioritise her. She doesn’t really deserve all your kind attention. Rein it right back in - guilt is just a feeling, and feelings aren’t necessarily the truth.

Of course she doesn't need carers-she's got you/s. Cut back on what you do for her, and she may realise she needs proper help.

Do not allow her manipulative games to split your family, OP.

They come FIRST.

You keep saying you love her - WHY exactly do you love her?
You dont seem to like her and I don't blame you so why do you think you love her?
It sounds more like obligation than love

I know this is harsh, but the OP's "Yes, but..." responses to the very good suggestions offered to her makes me think her situation isn't yet painful enough for her to actually do anything to change it.

Oh gosh, I really do feel for you. You say your youngest is 2 months? I honestly don’t know how you’re doing it.

The thing is ... you have a duty of care to your children. To be there physically and emotionally - to really care for them and be present for them. They need you. They come first, and then you and your husband.

Then, if there’s any time left over ... that’s when care of others can come in.

What you’ve described - it isn’t possible to do it all.

So you will need to prioritise.

Your children and DH, or your mother? You can’t do both. For the level of care she needs - if you do it, you are taking from your children and family.

Is that really what you want?

It sounds like she might need a mental assessment - could you book yourself in with your GP to make a record of what’s happening and ask their advice?

Re your Mum - I would definitely stop taking her out. If she wants to leave the house, she will need to get a carer. You need to pull back so it’s clear what support she needs.

And switch her mobile for a phone she can use. Don’t suggest it - just do it. Start being firm.

And as everyone above is saying - set your boundaries. And repeat.

It need to get worse so it can get better.

Hi OP - I’ve only read about half of the replies, but you’ve had lots of excellent advice. It’s very difficult. My DM has been unwell for 3 years, lives alone since DF death, now has v poor mobility and is in palliative care. I’ve always been very close to her, she was a wonderful DM and DGM, but has changed so, so much due to illness and bereavement - she’s not really the same person at all now.

As a rough estimate, I’ve taken her to over 200 medical appointments during the last 3 years, which ultimately cost me my job - there’s simply nobody else so it all falls on me. It’s very stressful and ultimately I’ve had to put in boundaries and be very firm with her. It’s not something I ever would have imagined, but it was essential to clinging onto what was left of my sanity.

I realised that it didn’t matter how much I did for her, it would never be enough. It was freeing, because I could literally flog mysef to death and she wouldn’t be satisfied or happy - so there’s no point in even trying! I can’t make her happy - it’s not possible and it’s not my job. DM can be extremely selfish, self absorbed and entitled, but then a glimpse of my lovely mom shines through and we have a laugh and I know that she loves me.

Now your DM is a different kettle of fish altogether. You never had a good relationship and she’s vile to your DD. If she has narc tendencies then you’ll simply be a tool to use as she wishes/manipulate to achieve her goals. Your DC are so young and need so much of you - you simply cannot carry on as you are. It sounds like she wasn’t bothered about you until she needed a ‘carer’ and you could be useful to her.

Worst case scenorio, imagine in X years time, you decided to prioritise your mother at the expense of your family, so your marriage has ended, your DC have been side lined, you may have lost your job and your mental and physical health are in tatters. Is your DM happy now? Do you feel less guilty now? Was it worth it?

Of course not! She doesn’t even sound like a nice person - she’s manipulating, guilt tripping and gas lighting you - which sounds like emotional abuse?

My GP gave me antidepressants and said something useful - that my DM is essentially a sinking ship, the cancer will kill her, and it doesn’t matter how much water I bail out the ship will ultimately sink. The question is - and the only thing I have any control over - is will I go down with the ship, or will I save myself? It’s brutal, but it’s the bare bones of the issue. Save yourself OP.

You may very well end up sacrificing your MH, physical health, career, marriage and relationship to your children for your mother.
And what will you be left with? A thank you, if you´re lucky!

You gave her £900, help her with cooking, cleaning and everything else. That is MORE than enough. You are a "good" and caring daughter, OP. And you have repeatedly tried to make her see that things can´t continue like this.

Now is the time to step back and disengage to protect yourself (and therefore your family)! She will not die just because you stop sacrificing yourself and your family.

I think you just need to force the care assessment issue and ensure it happens. Cleaner coming in once a week , a few meal deliveries all help in keeping her well and takes some of the load off you. My parents were dead set against it but they’ve grown quite attached to it now

Your mum is being extremely unreasonable and very unfair to you, your husband and YOUR children.
My brother tried pulling similar stunts including guilt tripping me into providing his care. He would NOT pay for carers, cleaners et al as he told stat services I would do it all. He even tried to fleece me financially and access my financial resources. I went grey rock and severely restricted contact as dealing with him was making me ill, damaging my marriage and worrying the heck out of my much older kids. I then found my parents hidden cheque books and worked out how much he had blagged off them. It was very substantial. At the time his income exceeded what our family of six lived on by a good 1/3rd. In the end I stepped back and had to let him fail. He did so spectacularly and died from his life choices.

I suspect you are facing a similar thing.If you do not let her fail then it’s going to be your mother eating your entire life at the expense of your relationship with your husband and children. TBH having dealt with a close relative who was a pitilous devouring maw who consumed everything and one nothing you do will ever be enough and all you do is enable them at the expense of living your own life.

People with MS often get a degree of euphoria which means they don't process problems properly and gloss over problems. Empathy can often disappear as well, much as empathy goes in dementia often so people with dementia sometimes don't realise their requests of other people are unreasonable because they can't put themselves in others' situations properly.
You have to look after yourself because your mother can't/ won't. Decide what you can do financially and re helping and stick to it. Make social work aware of her many needs.

Op you are going to have to practce tough love tomsave yourself. If your mum is that bad she needs help . Can ou contact social services and ask for an assessment yourself? its not fair on you or your family. your mum needs to be independent and accept the help

As hard as it is you need to stop enabling her . Can you contact SS yourself ? Explain what is happening ? Then if you don’t want to tell her know fake a illness or similar and say you can’t see her for a few weeks . She needs help a carer , cleaners , clearly help with money .

@Alwaysgothiccups OP I’ve just seen that you are under a perinatal MH team and on zopiclone and quetiapine.

This gives me a bit of an idea of the symptoms and experiences you may be having/have had.

please please please step back from caring as intensely for your mother. You must prioritise your own children and MH. Psychiatrists don’t prescribe these medications willy nilly. Your energy needs to be on recovering yourself, not on once again being collateral damage to your mother’s dysfunction. Are you in therapy? Have you discussed with someone (psychiatrist/nurse/support worker/psychologist - anyone) in the perinatal MH team what is going on with your mother, the expectations on you, etc? They can support you with this, including with getting SS involved with your mother.

I say this as someone who was discharged less than a year ago from a perinatal MH team, who works in MH, and who has gone NC with her mother after being psychologically abused most of my life. She tries to use my sister as a flying monkey and I just shut that shit down. She took turns treating each of us as the golden child. My mother lives a sad lonely existence of her own making and has no self awareness). I will have nothing to do with her.

have a look at FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) if you haven’t already.

Dm. This is all too much for me to manage on my own with a 2 mth old. I'm going to arrange a care package for you so that you have more help. I know you feel like things are working well for you right now and you're coping but they aren't working for me and I'm not coping so there needs to be some help. I can still do x y z but we need to have a conversation about what else you're entitled to so it's not all on my shoulders and I can be there for dc and dh as well. If she argues you just say that's what needs to happen if she wants your continued help and remind her that she was hospitalised last time. It's really going to come down to you matching her level of stubborn and being prepared to follow through op. I can fully understand why she might not want carers but when she gets used to it and sees the reality it'll be fine.

Assuming she has the capacity to make unwise decisions about her care (or lack of) she should be allowed to do this. Your children and marriage shouldn't suffer because of her pig-headedness.

I wonder if you're workplace offers counselling, it may be worth at some stage looking at your relationship with her, how it's impacted you etc and processing everything including the guilt. I'm alarmed that you would take from your children to appease her but do really feel for you, it must feel really hard.