To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

She doesn't want one because she has you.

You HAVE to say NO. And when you do she will then get one.

Don't end up in a situation where you break your family up due to this situation and you end up having to live with her!!

I'm sure someone has already said but please do get professional help with the AA form from Citizens Advice

You need someone to speak for you as you are too close to her and cannot deny her. She will guilt you every single time.

Get your husband to go round without you and tell her emphatically what you are able and willing to do. No ifs no buts. Then stand firm. I know it must be hard but you have to put yourself and your family first.

You still didn't need to give her the £900 though, don't you see that?

@candycane222 nailed it. Op, you will destroy your marriage if you dont step back.

Just because your DM ‘expects’ something does not mean you have to do it for her or give it to her. She is an adult and is making life choices that have serious consequences - eg not eating or taking care of herself. Her choices do not mean you and your family are responsible for her or should suffer because of the choices she is making.

She obviously didn’t think twice about going to live abroad when you were still relatively young and it doesn’t sound as if her ‘expectations’ of a mother/daughter relationship have ever run to offering you and her grandchildren any support. If you continue to let her manipulate you like this you run a very real risk of you and/or your marriage breaking down and/or your children suffering.

I understand you feel guilty if you don’t do what she expects but that’s exactly what she wants and why she behaves this way. She is so selfish that she doesn’t care about the impact her expectations are having on you, your husband or your children.

You have a stark choice, either give in to her demands and damage yourself and your children, or prioritise your children and accept that any harm your mother causes herself is her choice and not something you are responsible for. Every time she piles pressure and guilt on you, try saying to yourself, “I am not responsible for the choices my mother makes and I refuse to let her expectations and manipulations impact my children’s well-being.”
**

Sympathies, went through something similar with my mother, although there were more siblings to care for her. She refused to move anywhere nearer to any of us so we could care for her, and refused a carer. Consequently we all had to take turns in round 70 mile trips to look after her. She was unable to get out of chair or feed herself. In the end we insisted on carers and she did nothing but moan about them. Ultimately she had to go into a care home. I could not believe the number of people who thought I, as the eldest daughter, should have looked after her permanently. It would have meant leaving my husband and job to move in with her. It is not feasible or fair. People who think we are a selfish generation don’t know their history.
I have told my kids to put me in a home when I get to that stage, I do not expect them to give up their lives or responsibilities to look after me. Nobody should expect that. Good luck, and insist on a carer.

Ah yes, the familiar cry of " I don't want strangers in the house" Along with " X wants to put me in a home"

I can honestly only see this changing if you become seriously ill. You know what you NEED to do but you won’t do it.

you are enabling her and the old adage of do what you have always done get what you always got is true here.

do you think your mum will give a shit when you are in hospital or will she just expect your dh to look after her- not look after you op, she won’t care as long as her needs are met. in her eyes you could be dying in hospital and she will expect dh (if he’s not left) to go snd sort her need first.

Support on here doesn’t change your life, your mum will not change and is 67 so this could be your life for the next 10/15 years. Your life may well be over… dh left, kids choosing to live with him as grandma rules your life. If you continue along the current path then that’s your choice but if you do then do you not think you are as responsible for it as your mother? I know I’m being blunt but I’m not sure anything else would stand a chance of working

You need to call social services OP. They will assess her care needs. You need to say that you can’t do it. Your DH and kids need to come first. Your mum has made her own bed frankly. That’s disgusting that she took the £900 off you. She IBVVU.

Honestly @Alwaysgothiccups the more of this thread I read the worse the manipulation sounds. I understand that she is your mum and that she has taught you to feel guilty but honestly to make anything change you must pull back from this situation.
As your husband is a nurse I’m sure he is aware of the concept of mental capacity. Basically people are deemed to have capacity unless it is shown they do not. If you have capacity ie you can understand the information, retain it and use it to make a decision then that decision is valid - even if others would regard it as unwise. So in your mums case she is free to make the decision to not use carers. BUT she cannot make the decision for you that you will become her carer.
I really think the time has come to pull back and allow the consequences of her decisions and actions to play out. You must put yourself and your kids first now. As an aside if you inherited the property surely you should be dictating the sale price? Or have I misunderstood and you inherited your dads share?

I think posts like this needs a disclaimer at the start. Something like " I am not willing to do what I know needs to be done. I just want to moan". Then people can respond accordingly with " that sounds tough", "OK" or simply no bother.

She can't answer the phone reliably no... so that is a problem

And if you got hit by a bus what would she do?

The problem is her, you need to give her space to solve it.

You are enabling a narcissist and risking your family in doing so. Stop now.

OP you have my sympathy, it's an awful difficult situation for you 😢 the thing is, you cannot carry on doing what you're doing at the moment. You know it's not fair on you, your husband and your children. They have to be your priority. So realistically you need to look at the options you have - as many are saying, I would cut down visiting to twice a week, leave a few cooked meals in the fridge and make some sandwiches and leave them in the fridge. Sit down with mum and tell her straight - this is what you are able to do and this is what you will not do, be very clear. Don't tiptoe round her trying to pick your words so as not to upset her. You are not responsible for her reaction, that is her choice. Tell her you want her to have the SS assessment and will need to accept carers etc as you cannot do it all yourself. Then stick to your plan. You can't make her agree to getting help but if you stop doing all that you are doing, she is more likely to accept help. Yes, you will struggle with the guilt but is that worse than the resentment and exhaustion you feel now? Start putting yourself & your family first - this is the right thing to do.

It’s not your fault and not your problem either.

67? Bloody hell.

OP, your mum is using emotional blackmail to keep you at her beck & call when it suits.
She sounds a manipulative, selfish, entitled woman, stop enabling her. I understand your fear, obligation & guilt but you have to prioritise yourself & your family & especially your daughter's emotional well being, your mother obviously favours males, don't let her treat your daughter as she has done you.
Your mother is an adult & appears to have capacity to make her own choices, let her get on with it. You set up a visiting schedule that suits your family's needs not hers. You can't change how she has always been, she enjoys the game she plays with you. It is so hurtful for you & you deserve better.
Have a read of "But We took you to Stately Homes", I think it's on the relationship board where you'll find lots of support & advice. 💐

The guilt is horrendous because I know she won't look after herself

Problem is is you get ill or your kids do not sorting out support now leaves her in a much worse position and no-one to help.

MIL was being kind helped neighbours our one of who had had a stroke - meant they could turn down paid support and assessments then covid hot and MIL again with best of intentions felt she had to stop going - left them in sudden mess at time it was most difficult to sort help and MIL was upset at how nasty they got with her and how hostile family who;d been trying to sort help got with her.

If you can get paid carers in if someone off or incapacitated there should be other staff or in a home she may well have a better standard of care.

You may have to stop everything so she and the services realise how bad it is - sadly even another hospital visits may longer term be best thing as that's where assessments and carers and homes have happened in my family. Older family members are often in denial and few that went into homes tended to like it after the first few weeks due to company and basic care though finding good ones wasn't easy.

As far as I can see you are putting you and your unborn baby at risk with no long term plan. You need to step back try SS or if you can't say no you may have to get your DH to hep you with those boundaries.

The guilt is horrendous because I know she won't look after herself.

This is your problem to manage. You choose to feel guilt. That's not a given. That's a choice. Once you have reasoned that you are giving what you can without damaging other aspects of your life then there is no reason to feel guilt.

She is not open to accepting outside help. You are not able to continue providing this level of care. Your kids and marriage are suffering. I would commit to one day a week to help with life admin, do a bit of batch cooking, take her out, clean, whatever. Then make it clear that's it until next week so she will have to accept carer support. If she chooses not to, that's on her not you.

In my darkest moments I do blame her for his death yes... but really it did run in his family. He dropped dead put of nowhere with no real sign he was ill. I had been talking to him earlier in the day and he was fine, just sat in a cafe with his friends. But his dad and grandad died in similar sudden ways... so I don't know.
I don't think he looked after himself particularly well. The house is massive and old and he was constantly working on it as well as running around after my mother. He was also a chain smoker as is she.. and he drank heavily altho never seemed drunk.. but up to a bottle of wine a night I noticed when I would visit or call. Its very sad
I didn't realise the extent of the impact on him. Like I said I had left home in my teens and it was only in the last 5 years really that I started visiting regularly. And only in the 10 years I've been married did my relationship with them improve.
Before I was married I found visiting them alone extremely difficult due to my mother and also just the tension between them/thier fighting.
So the extent of her spending and hoarding issues didn't really sink in...
I mean they've always been there. She did things like work out my emil password when I was 16, not to snoop but to use my email on ebay as hers had been blocked because she kept buying expensive things only to have my dad force her to return them.. the house was always full of things.. 7 bedrooms but she'd still come into mine and use the wardrobes to store more of her things when I was a child.
But you don't think about these things when you are young.
And I think I tried to disconnect from it alot.
I feel very guilty i just left my dad to it. It must have been very hard.. and I remember shutting him Don when he tried to complain about her when I was a teen. I couldn't deal with hearing it. And he never directly spoke about it again. Altho he would mention he couldn't go places with me because 'mum has been on one of her spending sprees again'
And my dad earned a 3 figure salary....it still wasn't absorbing her behaviour.

@Alwaysgothiccups Sounds very much like my mum so you have my sympathy. Its really not so easy to just disengage and leave them to it, partly because of a mix of human compassion and guilt and partly because we know that it will just create a crisis that we then have to deal with. My mum is 80, walked out on me when I was a child, has never shown any interest in me, my siblings, our children....but now due to ill health and the loss of her husband relies on me completely. I have managed to get her to accept some help, she now has a cleaner/helper for a couple of hours twice a week, not from a care agency since that would a psychological step too far for her, I just advertised for some home help and a lovely local lady replied. Might she accpet that? Or suggest a gardner (who you prime in advance to gradually offer to help out in other ways??)

OP, YANBU, but please go to the Elderly Parents forum, you will find not only good advice but it's a great place to vent. There are many others g9ing through this.

As PPs have said unfortunately the way things are set up in this country you just have to step back and let shit happen.

Also, speak to her GP.

Sorry, it's tough, really tough.