To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

Go once a week for a say two to three hours. If she needs more help she will need to employ carers. You could try calling Age UK and see what They say. Not sure how old she is. Or maybe Social Services if she is younger. If you keep going every other day soon that won't be enough and she will want you there every day. And it just is not possible.

OP, you need to get that house sold asap - even if it's totally knock down price, anything sells at the right money- you partly own it so you have agency- at the moment there is no money spare to initiate any changes as she is paying stuff off and taking money off you - I get the feeling this is what was once quite a well off couple who were complete spendthrifts . Dont ask about selling it off cheaply , tell her. You need to find your voice, don't care how posh or bossy she is, she lost her right in my opinion to go around dictating the minute she took money off you and didn't sort out her situation herself - being disabled to this level is awful I'm sure and I feel for her on that- but it doesn't give her the right to turn into a right arse towards you. Selling the house should enable the bills to be paid off, put money in the pot for future 'up front' rent payments if needed and get in some help most days for an hour or so. I would push it with the council and housing associations too - many of them actually have quite a bit of sheltered housing 'plus' -that actually hard to access if you aren't disabled- we have an absolutely fabulous brand new development here in Bath like this- some of it is shared ownership, but some is rented . Beautiful and fully adapted flats- with warden on hand, call bell, residents lounge, lovely gardens, - this is what she needs- you need to make a nuisance of yourself at the council/HA - get a social services assessment too about this- what she has doesn't sound remotely suitable for someone with her level of needs- you need to think long term- bugger the cleaning and cooking- get the right place for her and a bit of cash in the bank and it gives breathing room for other choices to be made - if she doesn't want those choices and she is fully with it mentally then I would leave her to it I'm afraid. Don't feel guilty- she has choices , she's just decided it's easy and cheaper to run you ragged-

I feel like it's a game of chicken

you're spot on op - it's coercive controlling behaviour with I'll hurt myself (by neglect) if you don't do precisely what I want.

I think its disgraceful that you have a 2mo and she's putting so much on you. Time for a firm chat with her and telling her that you can't offer any more than a few hours a week(or less). What mother does this to her child knowing she has a lot on her plate. She needs a carer so she has to get one. You can't be dropping and bailing her out at the expense of your own family.

You need to step back, you are driving yourself into the ground.

Social Services will not step in because they can see you are taking up the slack. They are very overstretched and unfortunately you will have to get very tough with them before they will step in - you need to tell them your mum is extremely vulnerable and that you are no longer prepared to do anything for her, if you so much as say "well maybe I can pop in a few times a week" they will step back and leave you to deal with it.

We had to be harsh when MIL was in hospital, they wanted to discharge her without a care package (which she needed), we basically had to refuse to take her home unless they put something in place - they were expecting us to pick up the slack, at the time DH was in the military so only home at weekends, I had a 4 month old and a 3 year old and lived 20 miles away from her house and BIL lived 200 miles away so there was no way we could cope with her needs between us.

Perhaps being hospitalised is what your "D"M needs - you will then be able to be in a position to refuse to take her home and they (and she) will be forced to either get her appropriate support or move her into a home.

She gave birth to you, but that does not mean you owe her everything, and that is what this is going to cost you if you carry on - your health, your mental health and possibly your marriage and your relationship with your kids. Is she really worth all that?

I have MS myself. I understand her needs. However, she’s being unreasonable! It’s definitely a hard thing to accept that you need care and she will be angry about it, however she will have to accept it. Talk to her council and doctor about a care assessment and tell her that if they think she doesn’t need a carer then you will back off talking about it. However either way you can only go once a week so you can look after your house, children and relationship.
you can also get her to get an alarm. She wears it round her neck and if she’s ever in need of someone straight away then she presses the button, the company then call people on her list for help or emergency services etc. that should put your mind at rest a little for when she’s alone.

Yes, I expect she'll post again on the same lines in a few months' time. She'll get the same sorts of responses. Rinse and repeat.

I'm not sure how I can offer help other than how about a smart speaker instead of a phone? "Alexa, call 999" or "Alexa, call Alwaysgothiccups".

Sounds very difficult, I hope you get things sorted OP.

@Alwaysgothiccups I understand the guilt you feel, I've been there, but you HAVE to put your foot down. You are NOT responsible for your Mother's decisions to not look after herself.

Visit once a week and if she isn't looking after herself, then report that to Social Services and tell them in no uncertain terms, that you can't look after her. They will put pressure on you to do so, but stand firm. Stand firm with your Mother too.

My Mother was also selfish and 'there is nobody like Family' was a common theme from her. There is no reasoning with someone like that. None at all - and you might be surprised just how many elderly parents do this to their adult children.

Please, take it from someone who has been there, that you will never be able to do enough for her, no matter what you do and if you try to you will destroy your own health, your Marriage, etc.

She needs a cleaner cum home help a couple of times a week at the very least. Probably needs carers too a couple of times a day. But it is HER choice if she refuses. I was very concerned that you say she would try to move in with you and you paid her £900 for a deposit which you needed for other things. You need to stand up to her, however hard that is

My friend has a similar mum. She’s been unable to set boundaries over the years, like you.

Her grown up children now can’t set boundaries either. It’s sad! There are repercussions in their lives, including police involvement in ones, because he wanted to please his friend. Despite being a morally upright young man, he couldn’t upset or get rid of that friend, as he has absorbed that need to please and can’t set boundaries, just like his mother.

And they all definitely have been affected by being treated differently. You won’t be able to shield your dd for long.

Dont do this to your kids and maybe lose dh in the process.

OP all I am going to say is that you have children and they come first.

Always.

If your mum had MS and she knew your dad was ill, she should have been planning what happened next. She also knows you have children.

She is an adult and if she is capable of making you feel guilty, she's capable of planning her own care.

Why do so many elderly people refuse to accept carers and think their children with full time jobs/children should do it?

Call social services ask for help. They will see how vulnerable she is and may be able to move her to sheltered accomodation. Youll get your deposit back and she will have neighbours and some standard support. She can apply for benefits that will pay for additional care.

You need to step back. You have enough on your plate already.

If I was you, I'd visit at most 2 x a week for a few hours.

Do not put your relationship at risk for anyone.

OP, who is going to look after you and your kids when you have a mental and / or physical breakdown?

You need to get real, you need to get tough and you need to tell your mother that she needs to take some responsibility for herself.

She has choices - your children do not.

If you are feeling any guilt at all, it should be directed towards your children, not your mother - they NEED you, she WANTS you.

Im sorry if I sound harsh, but I have been where you are, and ultimately I feel so angry with myself for letting it go on for so long and not putting my efforts where they were really needed and appreciated.

You've had loads of great advice here OP so I won't add more. But this jumped out at me from one of your earlier posts:
Not easy to know that someone you love could just drop dead because you left them to it
No. Whatever happens to her is her responsiblity, not your fault. If you leave her to it and she has an accident, it is because she didn't take responsiblity for seeking and accepting the help she clearly needs. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

No. She'd have had to go to the council

You MUST put boundaries in.

Talk to adult social services

Those 'yes, but.....' responses are very worrying in my view. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown by the time my Mother died and I did have boundaries in place - but she tried constantly to get round them. And the constant accusations of being 'selfish' were very hard to cope with. I even walked out of her house on several occasions. I do know how difficult it is to be guilt tripped.

The OP cannot do what she is trying to do, without something having to give. But as you say, she doesn't really seem to want to hear that sadly, even although she is looking for advice

Spend the money on a counsellor for you, not her.

Doesn't matter what she wants. It's what you decide to give

Carers burn out is very real, and you've just had a baby so you're trying to assimilate a new tiny person into your household. You don't have the time or brain space to be dealing with this. You have got to have some boundaries.

Can you say you will see her twice a week for 1.5 hours for instance. She needs to order her shopping online or give you a list to order for her WITH HER MONEY, NOT YOURS! so maybe you can take round leftovers twice a week that you've cooked at yours or she can buy food that is easy to prepare.

She could have an assessment from the local council for mobility aids, if she's falling from her wheelchair that often she might need a different one or something to stop her falling from it?

If you call adult social services and explain you've been doing all this but can do it no longer then she can either choose to accept their help or not. You have to be strong though, the council will push for you to continue doing a certain amount because its cheaper for them. Be very honest about your limitations, in fact overstate them because what if one of your children became ill, she isn't independent and isn't able to manage on her own.

If she tries to guilt you by saying 'oh well doris' daughter does xyz for her' just smile and keep on going. So what if she does? That's nice for Doris, I imagine her daughters life circumstances are different to yours.

It will be hard but you have to do it for the sake of your family and your children. Good luck to you!

It’s all very well all this “But… but … but…”

Do you want to fix it or not?

Ive just seen what you said above about her not being able to use her phone - that's what those button things are for, or perhaps she should move to assisted accommodation.
There's also a chance that she will magically figure it out if she has to! My gran is 99 and can email but can't talk on the phone as she's so deaf!

You don’t seem to understand the kind of spell mothers like this have their children under.

Whilst I do agree with LTBM, comments like these are unhelpful.

OP, do look into FOG and raise your feelings of guilt and the unsustainable and unreasonable (and detrimental to your family) demands your mother is placing on you with your MH team and ask for support with setting healthy boundaries.

I worry that my kids will be burdened by me later. I will take whatever professional carers I can get to avoid my kids having to do it

@HolyStyleFailBatman to be fair, most people say this, but feel differently later on. The world is full of people claiming they can cope and "don't need carers yet"

Time to put up or shut up really. Things will only change if you make them change.

Surely first thing to do is sell home abroad. And then you need to find the courage to say NO. You will be there for her, of course, and visit. But you won't be doing her housework nor the looking after bit. She has to get professionals in for that, for her sake, but mainly for yours, and for your family's.