To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

Just start being less available. Stop being at her beck and call. If she calls you to come do something tell her you are in the middle of something and will try get over later on. She doesn't need a carer at the moment because she has one. If she no longer has a carer then she'll start realising that she needs someone to come in more often than you can.
Of course we should look after our parents, but there are systems in place to help us in the role. Use them. If she doesn't want them then she accepts that she's going to be stuck a bit more.

You said of course we should look after our parents. I disagree.

My friend was physically abused by his dad as a child.

He said his father used to punch him in the face and call him a piece of shit. He said his dad beat his mother into unconsciousness and she was hospitalised.

Should he look after his dad in his old age?

We have no obligation to

I’ve had responsibility for a parent with Alzheimer’s and the pattern is to keep ramping up your involvement until the disease throws so much at you the only way to meet needs is to become a 24 hour carer. Which I couldn’t do because I had 2 primary school aged kids and a job. Inevitably there comes a time when you have to let in outside agencies, be it social workers, carers, occupational therapists etc.
OP I wonder whether the MS is affecting your mother’s cognition and making her highly unrealistic. I think empathy can also go and she just can’t see the stress she’s putting you under. Your level of involvement is not sustainable. She will have to be challenged and made to accept outside help. This will happen. The place to start is to contact her local social services dept and get that ball rolling.

Dear OP what a horrible situation. My parents are very elderly in their 90's but independant and healthy so I can't possible completely understand the stress you are under but I can empathise. My parents are lovely, undemanding and certainly not narcissistic so, again, I can only attempt to empathise and I do know the guilt if I don't visit as often as I'd like.
However I think what I would do if I was in your shoes right now would be to use your mental health team/ worker. Explain everything you have here and ask them to get on board with them making contact with adult social services. Between them they may be able to take the responsibility from you and state that, due to your current mental health issues you have been advised to have rest at home with your new born baby for the next 6 months. This would take the focus off you making the decision as it doesn't sound as if you are strong enough right now to manage the fall out if your DM turned against you. The teams are not emotionally involved and also professionally trained to manage situations like this and the emphasis would be on them not you

Exactly this ^^

You're doing way too much OP. Can you manage steadily reducing contact? Keep in mind that if you lose your marriage over this your DM won't show any concern for you, she will see this as an opportunity to move in with you or expect you to do even more.

Her selfishness will never change and she will never believe that you are doing enough for her. Even if you longer had contact with dh and dc, stopped working and lived with her full time, she would find things to criticise you for.

Even the best cared for people can end up having an accident or have to go into hospital. You can't hold yourself responsible for her situation to the degree you do.

Her expectations are totally unrealistic. When people get old and dependent they don’t even realise how unreasonable they are being. My aunt asked me to move in with her! I have a family! She’s in denial about the reality of her situation.

So a conversation to manage her expectations and quiet, calm, firm boundaries. She needs to pay for care. Due to your workload and family commitments you will do “as much as you can” but the main bulk must be done by carers or a care home at this stage. Given her level of needs a care home will be cheaper because it sounds as if she may need overnight care.

Btw it won’t work to reduce contact slowly she will just be bewildered and potentially in danger. There needs to be a difficult conversation/s followed by some time for her to accept the situation - which of course she will not at first.

When people get old and dependent they don’t even realise how unreasonable they are being

No they don't. Some people of all ages do this.

Some people of all ages. But ime it’s not uncommon for people to get like this with age and infirmity who were not previously like that.

You generalised. I objected.

Why is the property abroad unlikely to sell?

You are enabling her

She doesn't want carer help because she has you

She'll not change unless she is forced to

She will not be concerned about your other commitments ie dc

You have a single thing to do that that is to put in place boundaries. You know she will take take take. You know she will put emotional pressure on you. It is your choice whether to carry that weight or not.

Be unwell. Tell her you are poorly and unable to get out of bed. That the drs have told you to rest. If she still demands then that tells you all you need to know. She does not about you. If she complains just tell her you are unwell and surely she doesn't expect you to get out of the house to help her when you are sick. Put it back on her to demand the unreasonable. Then you can be the one to be outraged at her.

She will not allow herself to die. She'll act like she will but she won't. She will accept carer help when it becomes obvious she has no other option

You need to take small steps. Stop going every day. Go every third day and leave food. Even if she doesn’t wash or eat, she will survive. With my mum I employed a carer and gave them a key. My mum didn’t like it but she got used to it. The carer would be assertive. She would go in and chat and do things. You need just one person so she becomes familiar with her. Not a company where they send someone different every day.

Yes. All I’m reading is ‘poor mum, she is all alone and only has me’

well, why is she alone? why?
Because she is an awful narcissist that’s why.

Please, open your eyes and get some therapy and don’t let her near your children. What you are describing about your son and daughter is appalling! These are your children.

You must have Employee Assistance Programs at work, please call them today and get support with breaking this cycle.

You can stick a NAMALT on if it makes you feel better. Or NAOPALT.

"cognitive decline" The person is a version of themselves and not a very nice one. The daughter ( its always a daughter) nearly kills themselves trying to help and please everybody.
Been there.

The Mum needs professional carers. Soon it will be phone calls, falls, crisis.

All this slow withdrawal advice is really unwise and contrary to safeguarding. She may not die but she may end up in hospital again.

I know women of MN fear confrontation - but there is no way of avoiding difficult conversations with DM that she now needs to pay for care.

I think OP will have to find the agency - and be present at the interviews - they will all want to do an assessment.

I would say your duty is to yourself.

Does your mum have an MS nurse if so speak to her about your concerns and if she can support you talking with your mum about her care needs /planning for the future.

it sounds like she lacks insight into her level of disability and care needs. Are there any concerns regarding her cognition/ capacity to make decision. If she has capacity then your hands are tied and she can choose to make decisions which we think are unwise eg refuse care. You then have to wait until things fall apart if she won’t engage. if you think there are issues of self neglect without your intervention then you could raise a safeguarding with social services but it will come down to does she have capacity?
If you are concerned about her using her wheelchair if she needs to be supervised using it if it was provided by the NHS you could ask the wheelchair service to reassess her competence with driving it. If she is struggling with access she may need an occupational therapy assessment.
I am an MS nurse and this scenario is not unusual. The impact on family/carers can be enormous. I would encourage you to reach out to the MS team for advice and support. Sometimes you need permission to step away and they can support you.

You need to look at your children and think about whether you’d want them to have the life you currently do, would you refuse carers and let them run themselves down etc.

Your baby needs you- this time is vital in forming attachments and bonds that may shape them in the long-term. Your mother is still young (albeit with a horrible disease) and this could be a long-term thing. Do you want to miss out on some of the nicest years with your own children, threaten your marriage etc for someone who hasn’t been there for you.

My parents for example for their power of attorneys sorted years ago because they wanted things to be easier for me and my sister if they were incapacitated. Both my in-laws and my parents have said they do not want their children caring for them after finding it incredibly stressful with their own parents. My parents are older and may well require care while I have small children- they will need to make arrangements because it won’t be practical for me due to distance, job and childcare responsibilities. If you lived further away your mum would have to accept carers.

Just so you know what is “normal” op, my late mother had three years of needing a little help at home aged 85 years before she died aged 88 years. She used a walking frame.

She had already moved five minutes away from my sister, which wasn’t a problem because she respected my sister’s family life, and she had declutterred to the maximum so her house was safe and easy to organise.

She employed a cleaner once a week who changed the bed, and a gardener once a month. She installed an adapted shower and a stair lift for herself and adapted the downstairs loo.

She sent out her bed sheets, towels, tablecloths, tea towels, to be laundered elsewhere and my sister did the rest of her washing which she left in the porch on a Friday morning.

She had milk and bread and other essentials delivered three times a week and gave my sister a shopping list to order with her on-line order once a week. She had a pedicure person, physio and hairdresser visit once a month. And a friendly cabby to drop her at the nearest hospital.

My sister and mother instigated a daily phone call at 8.30 am and 8.30 pm. And my mom sorted one of those emergency button things which she used once when she fell on the drive. She asked her neighbours to help her with the bins in exchange for a bottle of wine or two.

My sister who had busy teaching job and dc, saw our mum in person twice a week, more in the summer as my dsis would take my mum out to visit local gardens. And my bil would pop in once on a Saturday to fix light bulbs, change batteries that sort of thing. They kept a “blue book” where she wrote down things like “change sofa covers”, “fix loo seat”, and he would tick them off.

And we other siblings visited to relieve my sister for a fortnight each twice a year and we would take my mum away too.

My mum was in charge of all of this and she was fortunate to have the resources and mental capacity to organise it all, but she didn’t just give up and hand over responsibility for her life to others! What is more she never complained or called my sister when it wasn’t necessary. It was a bit regimented but it meant that boundaries were put in place and everyone knew where they stood!

Your mother is a master manipulator. She has been emotionally abusing you probably all your life and she will always continue to do so. She will take every bit of time and energy that she can with zero regard for the impact it has on you and your family.
is there anyway you could reduce your input to the absolute bare mimimum? Eg never take her out, don’t stay for a chat, just ensure that her very basic needs are met? It won’t be easy as she will probably purposely distress herself to manipulate you.
surely social services have some sort of obligation to step in if someone is putting themselves in danger like this? You need to write to them and explain the situation. Repeatedly tell them in writing that you cannot care for her due to your circumstances and that she is in danger and you are begging for them to intervene. I don’t know if it’ll work but it’s worth a go surely?
there is a small chance that an “intervention” type meeting could work. You, your dh, a social worker, anyone else you could think of in authority or that she might respect (friend/family member) go together and tell her that this situation is unsustainable and can’t continue. She might respond to that?
If not, it’s probably time to accept that you can’t actually help her without sacrificing your entire life. So what do you choose? A mother who has never given you anything or your dh, your children and yourself?
get some counselling and all the support you can find to assert some boundaries for yourself.

I have an elderly friend who has a mobility condition and she said the same. Didn’t want carers , didn’t want strangers in the house. Her DS arranged them through SS and now they’re the best thing since sliced bread.
Your mum probably doesn’t want to move forward to carers out of fear — she’s admitting then she’s ill. Talk to SS, they may start with an OT assessment, handle next to the loo, or frame around toilet sort of thing and move on to someone making her lunch. Gradually increase level of support.
You can’t ruin your maternity leave like this and it’s unsustainable when you return to work. Contact SS.

OP, right now your mother has a plan to manage her care needs. You are the plan.

Sit down with your OH and work out what you are able to offer - then tell her that's how you can be part of the plan, and if she needs more then she needs to bring on more help. Also bear in mind, if she does self neglect to a point where you have serious concerns, you can raise a safeguarding report with the local authority.