To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

iI’m getting the feeling that possibly the MS has affected her cognition by now, and also reduced her capacity for empathy. I know they set the bar pretty low when assessing capacity, but it sounds to me like it is becoming impaired.

@godmum56 PM’d you

??
Please read this again op.
She does need care and must accept this.
You are her daughter not her salve.

OP my situation with my own DM was different in many ways, but a lot of what you have described about obligation, boundaries, fear of what will happen if you don't act but knowing that you can't carry on like this is very familiar. It is really difficult for you to change how you react, even if you know logically that all the advice you are receiving makes sense, because these patterns have been learnt by you over a lifetime of your relationship with her.

I would very much recommend seeking some support to help you understand the dynamic between the two of you, and to begin to put a bit of space between her actions and your response. When my DM was near the end of her life and wanted support that I couldn't give but was refusing all other help, I saw a therapist for a while and it was invaluable - she helped me to understand that it really was possible to say no, to allow my DM's decisions and actions to be her own responsibility and not mine, and to find boundaries that I was comfortable with. It meant that I didn't have to abandon my DM altogether, but I could do what I could manage, emotionally as much as physically.

You can change this but it may take a while to unlearn habits that have been learnt since you were little.

And once you're ill, you'll be no good to anyone.
Not your mum, your kids and your dh.

She hasn’t a friend in the world. Why?

I wish you could see the reality of what she is, but I think you don’t know what love is.

Please call your Employee Assistance Programme and get some support and counselling.

Good luck to you, your husband and your children, good luck avoiding injury from this human grenade.

I was just talking about this with my DH.. but telling him how resentful it would make me to pay for counselling that I wouldn't need if it weren't for her lol!! That I should bill her for it along side the 800 quid!!
But in seriousness, I know I probably do need to do that.
I do already have some mental health support regarding my baby and I am on anti anxiety medication. I do some group therapy regardy anxiety which is helpful.

Its like having a stroke or other forms of brain injury or disease....it depends on the amount and location of the damage...

What do you want from this thread ?
Everyone is telling you to step back but you bat back every post.
You need to get some therapy as your mum has done a complete number on you with her abuse - for years.
You can't please her.
You will never get the validation than you desire.

When abused wives are worried they are 'breaking up the family' the advice is always that NO it's the one who's dishing out the abuse who's doing that.

Using the exact same scenario here, if your Mum has a crisis or even God forbid, dies due to maliciously neglecting herself or putting herself in danger in some twisted attack on you - then that's HER fault not yours.

She WON’T cos you’re a total
walkover.

Don't let your DM try to guilt trip you any longer your are doing more than enough
You need to prioritise yourself and your family.
Regarding the property in France your DH is totally right, half of the property is yours it's the law in France and you should try to sell it whether your DM likes it or not and keep your share of the proceeds, do not give her your share totally unreasonable, you have 3 children to think about.

My nan’s husband was in a similar-ish situation in that my nan did all his care but then she had a fall & broke her hip so was in hospital for a long time. I’m disabled myself & live over an hour away, my mum is disabled & tried to do as much as she could but he wouldn’t allow any personal care so was in the same clothes for 6 days & spilt his pee bottle (not sure what they’re called) on himself.

I couldn’t do any actual physical care but took on all the management type stuff I could, phoning social services etc, arranging care for my nan coming out of hospital, housing adaptations etc from the social housing. Social Services said the same thing to me, that he has to ask for help but I pushed & pushed saying he wouldn’t ever ask & explained the hygiene situation.

They phoned him & he said he coping fine, was showering solo etc etc so they said they wouldn’t step in/assess etc as he’s fine. I had to insist they do an actual physical assessment as he won’t admit he actually needs help & gave many examples of him not looking after himself properly. They agreed to a visit to asses him & when they actually saw him they arranged the care he care he needs. Sorry a long post to essentially say push it with social services & insist on an actual physical assessment of her in her home.

Good luck & don’t give in, unfortunately it has to be those who shout the loudest get the support even though it shouldn’t be that way

I am glad you got a good outcome but, as I keep saying, ehile they have capscity, a person can refuse and nothing can be done.

“Deliberate self-neglect” - this is the perfect way to describe it.

You need to go no contact and get this toxic woman out of your life. You are setting yourself on fire daily to keep her warm. That will eventually kill you. Your baby deserves better. You deserve better. Your dh deserves better. Your mother deserves nothing. Drop the rope and tell social services that you are done. And mean it.

Op I second pp’s suggestion that you get some support for yourself over this situation from a licensed psychologist? Someone to help you navigate this situation emotionally? Even if paying for it will make you resentful. It will probably be worth the outlay!

Sorry to put it so starkly but there are many ways to commit suicide and in effect you are having to stand by and watch your mother do this, even if she is choosing to neglect herself over a long period of time, and it’s a very hard thing to watch.

If she neglected herself to the point that she almost died in France, then she received the help she needed there, physically anyway, so it’s not as if your mother is unaware of the consequences of her actions. Ultimately, you have to allow people agency over their own lives if they have mental capacity anyway.

I’m so very sorry you are facing this situation. Please protect yourself.

Edited: altered above post when I spotted your response saying that you probably would benefit from counselling of some sort.

A good psychologist will “hold your hand” through this op and help you come to terms with the reality of the situation. Your mother is not going to change imho. 💐

I disagree with the above. It is French law that the child inherits. The property was on French soil. Therefore op already owns that portion of the money. It’s as simple as that. It is already hers.

It often seems a certain generation of patents think they are entitled for their children to look after them.

You are not obliged to do this.

Lastly op, I just wanted to say that the very saddest aspect of this for me is that you are on post-natal anxiety meds and your mother is stealing your peace of mind, when you should be focussing on your eight week baby op. Please don’t let her do that. This should be a golden time for you and you are letting your mother take that from you.

And your mother doesn’t care remember? She refused to acknowledge or talk about your pregnancy and wasn’t interested in the birth. This is far from normal behaviour and really vile op.

If a dear friend of yours said to you that her own mother refused to speak about or acknowledge her pregnancy or ask about the birth, what would you say to that friend op? Seriously?

If your mother can get herself to town then she is far more competent than you give her credit for.

You really need, for your own sake, and that of your dh and dc, to distance yourself op. Please don’t be stubborn and in denial like your mother. Acknowledge that she is someone whose raison d’etre is destruction.

Destruction of her husband.
Destruction of her house.
Destruction of her own health and wellbeing.
Destruction of her friendships.
Destruction of her financial assets.

Please do not be next on the list op!

Apologies, I haven't read the whole thread but I just wanted to give you a hug OP as I know exactly what you're going through.

I had a similar situation with a parent. What started off as isolating during covid became serious self neglecting which ended up in several hospital visits and SS involvement. We had care assessments, the works but because my parent refused all help whatsoever, there was absolutely nothing we could do. We begged SS to help us, fought tooth and nail to get regular care in place, arranged cleaners, sent money regularly but it was a fruitless task. My parent got violent with carers and refused to let them in the house, ignored SS or medical advice, fired the cleaners etc. The only help they would accept was from us (although we were not exempt from the abuse). It was probably the most difficult, stressful 2 years of my life. I had a young baby too and it put a real strain on my marriage and our happiness as a family. We had to walk away in the end.

Like you, it was the guilt that kept me pushing for so long but you need to try and make peace with your mother's choices. From the outside, I'm sure it looks like we've abandoned our parent but we've exhausted every avenue and they've had every opportunity for help. My parent lives in squalor, doesn't leave the house and has zero contact with anyone on the outside. They don't bathe and live off takeaways as they can't make their own meals. It's really sad but I've left the door open for help if and when they're ready for it and if they die before that then, whilst it would be upsetting, I know there's nothing more I could have done for them without destroying myself in the process. My young family need me more than a grown adult who has had every form of professional help offered to them but has refused every single time.

If she can text she can answer/make a call - on most phones that's much simpler than texting.
She's choosing not to to get you round.
As hard as it is to accept it sounds like a lot of her behaviour is a choice on her part. It's not someone with incapacity who doesn't understand their actions.

You have a 2 month old baby and two other young children who need to come first. She doesn’t want a carer as she has you doing everything for her . It’s hard not to lend money and help her but you need to set some boundaries. You could phone the local Council to say she needs an assessment as you can no longer support at the current level with baby and children. If she refuses support that’s up to her .

Absolutely - as you indicate, everyone with MS has a different experience of it, according to which parts of the brain are affected by nerve damage. Just don't want people to think everyone with MS is selfish and irrational!

You have young dependent children. Your mother has other potential solutions for her needs. She has choices. So do you. Children first.