To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

My mother moved in with us by playing on my guilt. It was horrendous. She wanted to rule the home, expected us to be at her constant beck and call, even telling us to stop talking at night. It was seriously affecting my marriage. I got so exhausted and resentful l didn't trust myself with her and told her she had to choose a care home. I felt dreadful but it was worth it. Your husband and children take priority over your mother, every time.

She moved you between 14 schools, Christ I thought my mum was mad for moving me three times over minor niggles with the schools I don’t think I would’ve survived 14!

Just for that alone I’d leave her to look after herself.

At this point it wouldn’t be her choice anymore as I would have already made arrangements for care. Your small children need you more. Just do it; make the arrangements. She’ll be fine once she gets to know her caregiver. They’ll probably become best friends.

The problem is she really might die.. and I couldn't live with the guilt. I have been no contact with her at points in my life... but now she is frail and I'm all she has. And I love her even if I know she's a bad person. I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't know I'd at least tried to do the right thing by her.
Of course it's very hard to have appropriate boundaries when you've been raised to centre someone else and feel shame if you don't.
I think I'd find it easier to distance myself if I knew she was in a safe position but currently she isn't. She can't even work her phone to call for help.

She is going to die, we are all going to die. There should never be guilt around someone dying. She is choosing to live this way, she is choosing to make life impossible for you. Step back and tell her "I am not the best person to care for you, I am not helping you by picking up the pieces of your decisions. I am your daughter and i love you but I am not your carer."

Then step right away, it may end in an emergency situation where she needs to be back in hospital but just keep repeating the message "I am your daughter, not your carer"

I have been in a similar situation with a family member and it was killing us all (not exaggerating!) I had to let it get to crisis point where she ended up in A&E and then I refused to take her home and insisted she was assessed for residential care. She hated me for a long time and I was ok with that because I had other family members hers I had to think about as well.

You and your family are the priority! 🤗

Yeah that was nuts. I think about it alot. She even moved me halfway thru my gcses and they weren't doing all the same subjects so I had to start new ones and do them in a year.. it had a big impact on my mental health. I can't fathom doing that to my children..
She says I always said I was OK and I didn't mind moving... as though it was my choice and I could have objected. So when I was younger I felt responsible.
So it's not like even before the MS she was a reasonable person..
A couple of the moves were solely because she had fallen out with people.

I think that your DH should go and tell her that her demands on you are causing immense worry and stress and he should also point out that your children are your main obligation, harsh but true. She might take it better from him.

In the Uk you can't do this....I mean you can try it if you use your own money but she can refuse, the same as anyone else can.....I mean what are you thinking?

I have zero experience with this. I thought the person responsible for your care gets to make decisions. Shallow thinking on my part.

seriously? You have no experience and yet you offer advice??

I just felt bad for op. I admit I made a mistake here.

OP isn't legally responsible.

Agree 💯 with what @JemOfAWoman says. We are all going to die. Someone's ill health is not a reason to allow them to hijack your life and put your finances, parenting, marriage and career at risk. Most parents would walk over hot coals rather than do that to their child. By all means visit, do what practical things you can. But sit down with your husband and set out TOGETHER clear lines on what you both agree you can and cannot do for her without jeopardising your family life. Then stick to it. If she doesn't like it, tough.

Oh please.

You just can't help some people. Especially those in unhealthy relationships and being manipulated and exploited.

Because they won't help themselves. And they try to persuade you, they are forced to be doormats.

Even though her actions are hurting her three small children and husband.

The answer is simple. Just go around 1 day a week. Anything that is not sorted that day is not sorted. Do not answer the phone to her - get her to leave voicemail messages the other 6 days of the week.

If she stops eating and washing - get a mental health assessment.

See a doctor regardless to get a care plan in place for her MS.

Go through her finances and get a carer to visit daily for an hour to prepare a meal for her.

OP's current actions are not making anyone happy. OP doesn't have the skillset to manage her mother. She needs to remove herself from direct contact for at least 6 days a week, every week, and focus her attention on her children and husband.

OP, you mention her poor decision making a lot,
particularly with her MS. Have you asked to the GP to do a competency assessment? If they say she doesn’t have competency to make decisions then the care issues will be out of her decision. Admittedly it does sound like she probably does still have capacity but it’s worth a try.

Sorry to slightly divert the thread, but a close relative has MS and is the most caring person I (and many others!) know. Just to put the other side of some assumptions about people with MS here.

You put your foot down. You say no. You sort carers and tell her which day per week you're coming.

You ask the carers to tell you if she turns them away. If that happens, you report the situation to SS.

You will lose your marriage if you don't act. She won't be around forever. You don't want to make a decision to enable her at the expense of your own lifelong happiness

another one!! you can't "get a care plan in place" unless the person agrees, you can't "go through someone's finances" let alone spend their money on care unless the person agrees. That one is actually illegal!! You can't get a "mental health assessment" unless the person agrees or totally lacks competence. Again unless the person has been assessed not to be competent, you can't just discuss stuff with the GP. You can tell the GP stuff but they cannot talk to you about the person without their consent.

“She just doesn't want one she says.” No, because she knows she has you.
What happens if you get sick? You need to give social services a ring.
Your DM sounds very selfish, you have a young child, you’re married, she must see you struggling. She needs to take some responsibility and accept some help, nobody wants to rely on a carer, but she needs one unfortunately.

I’ve only read your posts OP, what a journey you’ve had. I’m an only child, moved a similar number of times and in the middle of big exams. I looked after my tricky Dad until he died and have been looking after my mum (also a hoarder).

When you add in MH issues (which your mum probably has) you totally need boundaries and it’s good to see you understand this- it’s coming out of the fog (fear, obligation and guilt). If you carry on you’ll burn out. - your family unit comes first and you can’t keep picking up the pieces for her poor decisions.

There’s great advice on the Stately Homes thread for difficult families 💐

If she can't use her phone how would she ring you if you didn't go round ? @Alwaysgothiccups

As a nurse, you will have witnessed so many situations similar to this, where one person has completely deluded and unrealistic ideas/expectations, about both their own abilities and those of the people, they are professing will be able to provide all manner of care.
Is she self neglects when left to her own devices, you need to contact her GP for a mental health assessment, but remember people have the right to make bad decisions under the mental capacity act and frequently do !

Your Mother isn't suddenly going to develop empathy, she is what she is, she doesn't care about you as her Daughter, she see's you as an asset first and foremost. If she chooses to self neglect in response to you not destroying your health and the well being of your family, then that is entirely her decision. Nobody who loves you would blame you.

Focus more on your needs. The existing set up doesn’t work for you. You’ll have to force the issue and risk upsetting her, rather than trying to get her to agree. If you’re not helping as much, she will need outside help. If you’re a prisoner to her wants and needs, those of your family and you will not be met.

That's the thing... I know full well that people will be left alone to make bad decisions. I know full well that the threshold for any services to step in against her will is actually extremely high.. She'd have to be at deaths door or obviously psychotic etc..
I have spoken to SS and they said what she needed was a care act assessment but she would need to consent to it.
It's just very hard to watch her make all these choices that put her at risk altho I know its up to her. You do feel manipulated into caring so she doesn't get harmed. Like I said in France she ended up almost dying because she was prioritising buying things over her basic needs like eating and washing..
People saying 'just sort out care' don't really get it I don't think...

She can txt on her phone.. not well but enough to get simple requests for help across
But she can't or won't make calls or answer her phone.. so again it's not like I can just call to check she's OK I have to actually go round there to check
She's never replied to a single one of my txt messages either. She occasionally texts my DH asking for help but doesn't seem to get any txt messages he sends her

I totally believe you that she would neglect herself to somehow prove a point. I think you’re are going to have to make your peace around that being her decision and not something that’s your fault. If you carry on your kids and husband will be hurt and have no say in it, whereas she is not inevitably going to be hurt. She could have different choices, like accept she needs paid help. Her deciding not to do that is her choice, her responsibility. You aren’t ‘making’ her get into difficult situations. You aren’t responsible for her in that way. You are responsible for your kids though. I know when your whole life has been wired for Fear Obligation Guilt it’s really hard to set a boundary. But please do just that.

Just wading through all this and it strikes me that OP is responding to all the advice in the same way OPs mother is responding to OP advice and help.
Its called mirroring.
To be brutal it’ll all play out and the end is inevitable as repeated in these messages