To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

She was certainly far more capable than she had lead my dad to believe.. we were shocked at how much she could do that he'd just been doing for her

Reading more of your posts and this bit jumped out at me @Alwaysgothiccups "Part of it is also that she has been looked after by my dad completely for 20+ years so just assumes someone will always take care of her"
That was her choice and decision to do that for your dad. She too could have arranged carers for him but decided to do it herself.
You must make the right decision for YOU and your DH and your own family.

From what I've read, you're in the FOG so much that the Fear of not doing something, any thing for her is making you feel Obliged to do as much as you can for her because if you don't, then you feel the Guilt of "what could I have done?" or "Could I have done more?" and the answer to both of those is you've done the best you can and no you couldn't do any more for her than you're doing and have done.

Its a combination.. she does directly ask or just assume quite alot. She tends to assume we can just take her anywhere as she will announce she's doing this or that on a certain date without actually discussing if anyones going to be available before making these plans/appointments.

This. It’s a complex disease

I've been thinking again about the fact that you said you don't drive but your DH does.
I have a suggestion for you that might get you back some time for you and your family while also being a 'carrot & stick' for your mother to allow some carers in.

Why don't you suggest to her that you need time to take driving lessons (and this is the carrot & stick for her) so that you'll be able to drive to her and bring her places when you've passed your driving test. In order for that to happen, you won't be as available and she simply must allow carers in who can cover while you're learning to drive so it's a short term thing (that will become a more regularised thing over time).

You can keep telling her that you're taking lessons, and waiting for a date to sit the driving test etc. etc. all while she gets carers in to look after her. Then after a number of months, you keep saying that the driving test centres are backed up after the lockdowns etc. and tell her some white lie about it. The thing is, throughout your learning, she will have the carers in and she, if she is as self orientated as I'm picking up, will still be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel!

Yeah I thought it would be a very recent thing. She will push against that. How did you manage to bump into her in your town? I am glad you left her to it though. Tiny steps.

I agree with this re the house.

Fight for your inheritance. It could make a real difference for your family. It sounds like your Mum would only squander it if you gave it up. Horace is right that it is very common in the UK to leave your share of your property directly to your children in trust to avoid it being swallowed up by care home fees.

Could you seek legal advice from the notaire about forcing the sale? Being realistic, it doesn't sound like your mother could ever go back to live there and the more time is lost, the more the property will deteriorate.

OP needs clear boundaries about what she will do.
But those being hyper critical of her mother are being unfair, MS affects cognitive ability and personality. It is part of her illness.

It doesn't always effect cognitive ability! The symptoms are very individual to the person with MS. Her cognitive abilities may well be fine. It doesn't sound like OPs relationship with her mother has ever been good.

Hi OP,
I have read all your posts but I am sorry if I am repeating anything another poster has suggested.
You should be entitled to a care act assessment in your own right as a carer. Ask for a Care Act Assessment in your own name as a carer and if it is declined remind social services that you are entitled to one.

https://www.scie.org.uk/assessment-and-eligibility/assessment-of-needs-under-the-care-act-2014/
See particularly "Who can have an assessment under the care act".

Re your half ownership of the house. If it were me I would tell my mum that I am willing to put my money into a new property that she buys. So for example if I received 100K when the property sold I would be willing to put 100K into the new property (with my part ownership appropriately registered on the deeds or secured by a charge against the property as advised by my solicitor).

I think offering this would give you peace of mind about balancing what your dad would have wanted against your legal inheritance, and also your mum might pull her finger out and reduce the price on the house to a realistic level if she has all the money at her disposal to buy a new property. Getting the property sold would be best for both of you as it is deteriorating and as it required bills to be paid.

Your situation sounds very difficult but your wellbeing and you own family need to come first.

I was doing the school run and she was just sat outside a cafe! I was quite shocked tbh...
But in a way its good as I now know she is capable of getting on a bus alone.
It is stressful thinking she can just turn up as she knows what time I do the school run... but as everyone has said it's just about sticking to boundaries. If I've said I can't spend time with her that day then just saying hello and carrying on with what I was doing. And not worrying about how she is managing.

Yes I think it's made her worse.. but she did have this personality before the MS too. Only I do think she must have been a bit more reasonable.. and obviously alot more able.
She hasn't just had a personality change overnight.. she's always been quite a self centred person who made decisions without much regard for others.. (she moved my school 14 times for instance)
She's also always been an overspender and hoarder.. altho she had a better lid on it when younger so it didn't cause the same levels of issues.
I do think the MS has made her quite unreachable with reason tho.. she is/was an intelligent woman but her decisions are getting worse and worse and I do think that's due to her illness.
I do have a lot of sympathy for her and do understand that due to her illness its not as simple as just getting her told as she actually to some extend lacks the ability to completely understand anymore.
So it's very sad.
But obviously still important for me to maintain boundaries

I am sorry your mother is in this predicament but you have a family including a new born baby who have to come first. I think you have to tell her to either accept a social services help or your running around cannot continue. You will make yourself ill.

You know she did that on purpose OP? It’s not a coincidence that she was outside that cafe at the time when you predictably walk past it.

I hope to lessen it a bit more over time.

Think to yourself about why this is a hope not a plan. Because you are fully in control of how often you go there. You can resist her guilt trips.

It's certainly possible she did it on purpose but it's also possible she didn't as she isn't great at telling the time.. gets confused about what's English time and French time as she has various watches all set to different times!
So she may or may not have known I'd be doing the school run then
She does know I walk past that cafe on the way to the school.
Anyway I left her to it after politely saying hello. And tbf she's not contacted me or my DH to this point so I assume she just made her way home..

Honestly just stop. Been there and got the t shirt. I don’t know what happens with some elderly parents. A light goes out and it becomes often all about them, what they want, timescales based on what they need. I won’t go on but YOU need to set boundaries. It’s not for you to fund her or to jump around doing her bidding.

I don’t want to be harsh but it’s up to you now. Otherwise you will find your family suffers, and god for forbid your partner decides you are just not interested in him anymore and it’s all about your Mum.

What happens if there is no POA, she becomes incapacitated and you've stepped away permanently? Do social services get someone appointed to act as her guardian?

Genuine question because the alternative may be worse [to your mum] than sorting out POA now.

Similarly, if you sell the house now and the proceeds are split, will the government get less inheritance tax. Presume they will as your mum will use her proceeds for her ongoing care? That might divert her from the "unfairness" of it all.

If you simply wait it out, the house will be 10 yrs older and more decrepit but yours to sort without further pain and you can perhaps find the time and energy to keep an eye over the years.

You've had lots of good advice on this thread to look after yourself and to put your family and yourself first. It is very hard, you are not alone in caring for elderly, selfish and belligerent parents. You have plenty of company on this site.

She has the funds to make her life easier, you can't live her life for her if she chooses to spend it on tat and live in squalor. She is a grown adult who has made her choices. If you think she has lost capacity that's different.

Oh no.. my DH just got back and he said he saw her on his drive home and did help her get her wheelchair back in her house...
So will have to discuss with him not helping when we've told her we aren't available

She won’t get Attendance Allowance if she is in receipt of PIP it’s one or the other. If you don’t have PIP and are 65 and over you apply for Attendance Allowance

Thing is they won’t listen to you. Turning up on the drive is a prime example. She probably thinks you don’t mean what you say and if she just turns up you will do her bidding.

My late Mum promised not to be a burden and that she would look after herself. She didn’t. She struggled with almost everything in the end but I had POA and ran her home and life. In the end she trusted me to make the right decisions and eventually a care home was the best way forward for a couple of months until she passed. It wasn’t easy. She had some money which makes decisions easier but you are dealing with people’s emotions and that makes all of this very tricky.

I’m 100% sure that of course she knew you walked that way at that time on the school run. She was sat waiting for your DH to drive past as well. Of course she knows the rough time of day.

You need to call SS. The wheels will then be set in motion for carers etc. go easy on yourself, it’s a really emotional and difficult situation. Take a step back.

I do a bit - I was in the FOG for many years.

Social Care are right your mum would have to agree to any assessment
however if you step back and you should, and you visit and there are signs of self neglect you could raise a safeguarding with concerns about her self neglect and they may put for care management via social care
or get the MS nurse involved and if they have concerns they will refer to social services. Please look after yourself first as your children and husband need you.
social care is financially assessed and with a house in France she would likely have to fund any care as it would be seen as an asset

Earlier this year I was put into a similar situation to your OP and I had to involve Social Services in the end because I couldn't cope with the demands.
As others have said you're enabling her by continuing to do everything you do, which quite frankly is way above and beyond. You are in danger of becoming ill yourself continuing like this.
As harsh as it sounds your DM will have to accept that she needs professional care for her needs, but please take care of yourself 🌺