To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

This is so interesting. My mum has MS and shares similar behaviour traits with OP’s mum. I’d heard before that certain behavioural issues could be linked to MS but haven’t found out much more about it. My mum’s behaviour has been going on for 30+ years now, probably much longer, whereas her diagnosis was probably 10 years ago or thereabouts (she lied about when she was diagnosed in order to use it against us).

Really sorry OP that you’re going through this. I can definitely recommend reading up about FOG.

Leave her @Alwaysgothiccups she can obviously manage. Why are you worried about what other people think? If anyone ever did say anything (they won't) then tell them a few gems about her. Like how she threatened to kill you. How long have you just been going every other day?

You seem more concerned with what you think people say about you not looking after your mother a grown adult than what people are saying about your inability to spend time with your children.

@Alwaysgothiccups yes leave her. You are NOT available outside of the agreed times that you will visit. You have an appointment. With your children.

This has been an interesting read. And it may explain the behaviour of a very dear friend about 2? 3? years before she was diagnosed with MS.

As I said, its a difficult subject to raise publicly or to discuss with people who have MS....its kind of like saying you have a dusabling possibly life limiting illness and its potentially going to make you horrible too. There is proper research and sufferer based discussion around if you google MS personality. The stuff intended for sufferers and their relatives is at the softer end, talks about euphoria, innapprpriate emotional responses etcetera but at least its now being discussed. I hope it can help you

Thanks so much @godmum56

I meant to add a bit to my previous post, sorry, where I was going to say it’s hard to know which came first, the MS or the awful behaviour. It must be a bit chicken/egg? I’ll have a read about it, thank you 🙏🏼

Oh for Christ's sake leave her OP. Do not go down the road of her thinking she can have a jolly into town then you or your DH will drop everything to take her back home. Because all you'll have taught her is that you can't stick to boundaries and she's always going to win if she pushes at them.

If people are judging you then they can knock themselves out taking her home and getting her inside.

Also, re: the house, your Dad presumably was aware of being in France so he knew the law was different. It's not unknown for parents here to leave their share of the house to their kids rather than the spouse to stop everything getting swallowed up in care home fees.

I'd go back and check what you signed and make sure it doesn't involve anything about transferring funds to your "D"M after the sale - maybe get your DH to do this?

Sympathy in this tricky situation!
Can you reframe it? You can think it gives your mother agency for her to do what she can for herself? Your role can be of loving support, once or twice a week or whatever fits with your own home life.

I have left her to it.. walked a different way home with the kids

well done you. You don't need to teach her that its ok to do risky things because daughter will appear to sort them out.

I would do a minimal amount to ensure that things are not too bad. So I would ask her for money and order food once a week that she can eat without cooking or microwave. Things like falafels, salad pots, things to make sandwiches - so she will not starve. I would be in the house when food is delivered and put it away so that it is easy to reach. One that day I would take her out and insist she pays for a lunch so she gest out. Also maybe as part of shop order wipes so she can easily clean herself.
If she asks for anything else I would be telling her that I will help her get support from carers or SS, but I will not be doing anything else.
And I would do nothing about her going out for the day.
Its hard as legally she has capacity, so the only way to stop her doing anything dangerous is to run yourself ragged. But that is not realistic long term.

Good. Well done. She’s in town, there are people around. If she falls, someone will help her, and if necessary they’ll call an ambulance. You cannot be responsible for her 24/7.

I strongly suspect she’s a little more capable than she’s lead you to believe.

So she wouldn't give you PoA for medical reasons either?

I think it is one of those situations where you can only control what you do and not someone else. You say that she is expecting you to do a lot but it sounds like she is just accepting what you are offering rather than asking. If you didn't offer she would either sort it out herself or do without.

I don't think I agree with your DH here as it wouldn't have happened under our laws unless we're talking millions

All the money in the world won't make up for what she's doing to you.

I'd let her have the money (if it sells) and then I'd wash my hands of her with a clear conscience

OP didn't even know she was out so she clearly wasn't expecting anything from her.

She's bloody having you along!

Let her get on with it!

Well done!

Small steps...

I agree with @LetsGoRoundTheRoundabout I’d bet she’s far more capable than she’s letting on.
She had your Dad doing her bidding for years, now she’s expecting the same of you OP.
It’s a great way to control a caring person isn’t it? Being helpless.

Buy her an Alexa video. If she falls or needs help she can just ask 'her' to call you or a designated number.

I'm so proud of you!!!
You are showing your kids and your DH that YOU and your family come first. 💖

I'm finding more and more that the first post nails exactly what the situation is as it's coming from an outside perspective and while it can be harsh (this isn't really harsh, I've read worse) it's hitting the nail on the head.

Your mum needs carers. If you became ill, your DH would have to attend to you and your mother wouldn't have you to be running around after her.

A different perspective is that if you can arrange to get carers for your mum, that releases your time to do the other stuff for her that she can't get the carers to do or wouldn't be appropriate for them to be doing for her (like her financial stuff).
You most certainly did not have to give your mum £900! That's crazy. You are under ZERO obligation to do any thing for her. She is very very lucky that you are doing what you're doing but your own family is bearing the brunt of that because you're not around for them.

My advice would be to tell her that you're arranging the first step in getting her carers sorted so that you can both adjust to them being around. If she gets the carers involved now, when she isn't as reliant on them, then when the time comes and she is, it's the new normal for her. You tell her that she has to have them because you're burnt out and you have nothing left and you have to look after yourself before you can look after anyone else, including her.

Best of luck to you!

Well done on leaving her to it OP, methinks she’s not quite as frail and incapable as she’d like you to believe - people who are genuinely struggling don’t just suddenly find it in themselves to pop out for a jolly without any incidents.

Next time you see her, which I hope will not be for a few days, don’t mention the fact you saw her or ask how she got home, etc. She wants you to react, she wants an opportunity to berate you for not helping or to give the chance to give her “woe is me” routine another performance. Be the grey rock, impassive and unemotional.

I've only been doing that for a week so far.. I was going every day the first couple of weeks.
She's not been back that long.
I hope to lessen it a bit more over time.