To think my DM expects a ridiculous amount?

[Alwaysgothiccups]

My DM has MS and can only walk a few steps.. she has an electric wheelchair.
My dad was her carer and they were living abroad but he died just over a year ago. She tried to live alone in her house there (after a stint living with me in my house which was completely unsuitable as is a terraced house) but failed and ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. She wasn't eating or washing etc..
I have 3 primary aged children, the youngest is 2mnths old. I am on maternity leave currently from my job which is permanent 12 hour night shifts in a hospital Friday,Saturdays and some Sundays. I do not drive. My DH is a nurse and also works long shifts but only days. He does drive. He is working ATM as he only got 2 weeks paternity.

My DM has returned to England and now lives 15 min drive (40 min walk) away from us.
She is basically saying she doesn't need carers.
Yet I have been going round every other weekday and weekends to cook, clean and make phone calls do admin for her etc.. She also needs support going outside anywhere.. can't open doors,can't get her wheelchair back up the curb if she falls off which she often does..
I have also had to give her 900 quid despite her having an income the same as my husbands (she's terrible with money) that 900 quid was all of my savings for a specific thing my child needs.
I'm just quite angry but she acts like this is all what anyone would do for a parent and also like it's not really that much but I'm exhausted and barely see my DH.
I'm trying to get her to accept a care act assessment but she won't and just says she doesn't need care abd doesn't want strangers interfering.
I can't just leave her as she would stop eating and washing again... she almost died when she went and tried to live alone.
It's putting a strain on my marriage now. My DH is a very kind man but he's sick and tired of being at her back and call.
I've always had a difficult relationship with her. I left home in my teens and they moved abroad in my early 20s.
But I do love her and what her to be in a safe situation.
AIBU to think she is actually expecting far too much from me and it isn't normal?

My MiL needed a carer when her dementia developed in being more than just memory loss.
My FiL always called her a nurse and she accepted that, there's no way she would have wanted a carer.

Maybe that could be something that works for her too.

This woman has Multiple Sclerosis, she can only get worse until she is mentally and physically incapacitated.
With a diagnosis like that you need full involvement from her GP and social services. Personally I’d have returned to the UK immediately, not waited until she’s struggling on a daily basis. Your poor father.
OP, I understand you’re not a care worker, professional nurse or doctor and you shouldn’t be expected to do their job. All you can be expected to offer is emotional support. Other things cost money but your first priority is your immediate family.

I've been here, it's exhausting. You need to phone Social Services for her area and tell them that she is a vulnerable adult (which she is). Despite the guilt tripping you are not responsible for her and her health, you are responsible for your health and your children. Despite her protests Social Services will have the ultimate say in what care she needs and they will be also able to access her medical information. If you do want to be involved in her decision making then you need to take out Power of Attorney for both Health and Financial decisions. Stay strong, it's very tough. I wish you the best OP.

I think people are being very harsh on your mother as MS has a significant impact of a person’s cognitive abilities. However you can’t take on her care.
Does she have an MS nurse? Because she should have and they should be a first point on contact. They should be able to organise an OT assessment as she should have a phone/wheelchair she can manage in.
The MS society would be able to advise on benefits and possibly the house abroad. Realistically the house needs to be sold and she needs to move into warden controlled sheltered housing. As she’s 67 that should be fairly straightforward and there’s usually good availability. In the area I live it’s all housing associations so you could contact them directly to find out if she could move into sheltered accommodation before the house is sold.

Ultimately you have choices to make

Remember your mother couldn’t give a shit about you or your dc. She wants what she wants and lives in a fantasy world because your father and now you have enabled these fantasies.
If she starts on about buying a van and travelling round or some other fantasy agree that is a good idea as you will be going back to work soon and if she is capable of that then she doesn’t need you going round and helping her

Then walk away and tell her you will pop in next week.

Ultimately you have to look after yourself your dh and your dc.

If anything happens to your mother you have to look at it as your mother’s choices and nothing to do with you

Whilst you are enabling your mother no other agency will get involved

Giving her £900 to pay 6 months rent up front (very surprised that a landlord would do such a thing as this negates landlord insurance) just put off the point where an agency would have stepped in and declared her homeless and found her a place to stay with carers.

Ultimately your dc will realise you are not doing anything because you have to but doing things because you choose to. So instead of spending time as a family you are choosing to spend it with your mother not them.

If she is getting PIP she cant also get AA! AA doesn't have a mobility component so if possible hang on to the PiP or she may he much worse off!!

I've been there, it's exhausting. The thing to think of is you probably aren't doing her any favours in the long run. She has to see she can't cope to get help. I had similar with my mum and I ran myself ragged trying to help. But I couldn't be there 24/7 and the rest of the time my dad was making a dreadful job of caring for her, refusing all help, sending carers away, being stroppy with the authorities because he insisted I would do it.
She was in and out of hospital for months as dad wasn't coping so whenever I wasn't there he just phoned endless ambulances. She died in October of probably preventable causes.

Looking back, I'd have stepped right back and done pretty much nothing. It would have been hard but it was what they needed. Without me enabling they'd have been forced to accept care. She'd have ended up in a nursing home, been so much happier (she always brightened up so much in hospital) and would probably still be here today.

Framing it as you're not actually doing her any favours might help you to stand back. Let her fail, hard though it is. Let her see she needs care. It will be horrible for you and her for a bit but almost certainly better for all of you, her included, in the end.

We have a similar scenario in our family at the moment. MIL needs a carer but won't pay for one. Wants her family to have a rota. I've told dh I'm happy to pop in sometimes but I'm not a carer and won't be doing any of that. Luckily for MIL her dd is around a lot.

You've probably had this conversation with your mum but does she know how hard you both work and how little time you have?

Oh lovely this is so sad for you!

I know it’s super easy for all us to say just leave her to it. But I know it’s hard. The fact that you’ve been NC and LC before says it all. Being blunt she is going to die at some point and it is 100% not your fault. It is hers for not accepting going into a care home with 24/7 care. Even with the best will in the world and carers 4x a day for 30mins a time there is still 22hoirs a day on her own.

if she can’t manage the phone how does she use the bathroom?

Get her a pendant from the council to press for help, but beware that she will press it twenty times a day and you will be called.

You need to pick a date and tell her you stop going at that point and accept things will be bad and she might go into hospital or die, but she is choosing that, you aren’t doing that to her.

You are missing out on your own family and your family will break down.

You have to ask yourself the question
Who do you love more?
Your dh and children or your mother?

It is a straight choice. Call SS on your mother as a vulnerable adult and let the system take over or get a divorce, give full custody of your children to your dh and go live with your mother

You can’t have both in your life.

There is no ifs, buts or maybe’s

Also either way get some therapy for yourself

Call adult social services and let them know that because of your family commitments you could no longer support your mother. She will then be on their radar and will do a needs assessment. Your mum has the right to refuse this if she’s got capacity. I know it’ll be hard for you. Put your two month old baby first

Of course I agree with many posters saying you are doing too much ,and should stop sacrificing your own health and family. I do think there is another alternative. Your DF only died a year ago and he was her main carer. Your mother has a cruel disease which has probably affected her life for many years. I suggest that your mum is still grieving for her husband and for her” normal” life which is gone forever. She may well have lost her perspective too. Who looks after the medical/ MS side of things? A conversation with that person and an appointment and discussion with all 3 of you together may lead to a different approach by your mum. You could then progress with finding some support for her together through an MS contact / either locally or nationally .
I was in a very similar situation. My mother refused to allow ‘strangers’ in the house. We started by employing a part time shopper/ cleaner / cook. My parents grew to accept this and my mum enjoyed showing the helper how to cook traditional recipes. Later on ,we had to employ someone who was more of a traditional carer ,but the key is letting your Mum feel she still has some control over her own life.By the time my Mum needed carers x 4 times a day we had one set of carers who became personal friends (and we are still in contact now.)Start with something practical like her phone. Good luck!

Op in the nicest possible way, stop..you've just had a baby, have 2 other kids and your own family and home to look after..no more given her money and she'll need to get carers in because you cannot do it. End of

It's a large property in the middle of nowhere.. not a tourist destination.. no town, a tiny hamlet with only a couple of farms and a couple of houses and a very old church.. the house is falling apart as its very old.. my mum won't lower the price or pay for proper maintaining of the property. We cannot go over there abd keep on top of it so it's just disintegrating..
It's had 1 viewing in a year.

imho the worst parents are often the most entitled.

Time for SS.

I can't dictate it without her permission as we jointly own the property. (Something she is in denial about and won't discuss)
I agreed the initial amount just after my dad died when both my mother and I discussed it with an estate agent in the area.. I signed off on all of that. But the property is in a lot worse state now and not selling... my mum refuses to discuss it with me as she doesn't feel I should have any say in the matter.
I don't really want to be attached legally to the property.. I got advise on here before about how to disinherit myself but this is again something that causes tension between my husband and I as he feels it would effect the children were I to do that. But I feel its more trouble than its worth.
My mum is also constantly talking about buying near me... she could not afford anything here and its a valley so would be very unsuitable for her mobility needs.. but she lives in a fantasy land.
I know full well anything she buys will just be taken off her to pay for her care when she inevitably goes into a care home as she hasn't taken reasonable steps to allow herself to remain independent.
The sensible thing to do would be for her to rent and use the money from the house sale on carers to come in and help her.. and just enjoy her life outside of a care home for as long as possible.
But she just won't consider the future.. she wants all the money (including what I legally own) to go into buying her a house.. whose going to look after the house? How is she going to be able to live long term in a house when she can hardly stand?

She probably drove your poor DF to his grave with the demands. It will be you next, and not before your DH has had enough and fucks off, and the kids resent you for putting her first.

Could you just leave her and then call social services and explain there's a woman left on her own, no one to care for her etc. Surely they'll have to come out?

You are absolutely right. It's just so draining having to constantly feel like you are being nasty to someone. I know I wouldn't be but that's how she makes it feel.
With a reasonable person it wouldn't be that stressful to have boundaries. But it's like she just doesn't acknowledge the world beyond her own wants and needs.
So it's so easy to slip into just doing what she wants as even though it's physically tiring it can be less emotionally draining than conflict. I know I need to work on this
But again it's a long road as I have been raised to be a people pleaser and to feel like I am responsible for her behaviour and emotions.
It's so funny, I had a group therapy session today regarding post natal anxiety.. and I realised I spent the first half of it applying the stuff to my mother 'is this what she felt like? Is this why she did x y z.. how did she feel?'
And I had to have a word with myself about how I was supposed to be applying these things to me and thinking about myself... not constantly trying to understand my mother and what might help her feel better. Absolutely ridiculous how I am!

No I am an only child

Can you call her GP?

I have contacted the council about this but they said she won't be high priority due to her owning property.. she cannot afford to buy a wardened flat near me (another issue is that she won't consider living in any other area even the nearest city which is only 30 mins away and would be alot cheaper)

I am an a member of the elderly parents forum - both my in laws have dementia - I found this extremely helpful from a poster.

"That everyone in these situations has ‘equal rights’ . Your DM deserves care and consideration, but not more than your children, your husband , even yourself. You may choose to sacrifice your own share, but you don’t really have the right to sacrifice the needs of the other people in your life."

Re. French property - is it on with agents who have UK clients perhaps like Leggetts (who I have never used). Have you tried different agents ? There are UK buyers who want a wreck in France to do up. Do you have multiple agents? Do you have a good Notaire who you/your mother know/ have contacted? . Some Notaires also sell properties too. Can you find out if the property could be auctioned? This time of year is for selling. It will be costing money in taxes, utilities and necessary gardening. until sold.

I actually spent all day yesterday in the GP with her and it was pretty useless... they wouldn't even start up her prescriptions again as they say they don't have proper information.. it's because she was receiving care in France when she went into hospital for 6 weeks.. she got discharged from some services here so has to start from the very beginning again..
And even when she was living with me in England just after my dad died, her medical care was a nightmare because she doesn't take it seriously.. missed her pain clinic then got discharged.. argues with the doctors..
It was incredibly stressful taking her to medical appointments.. the staff would be looking at me trying to appeal to me to reason with her
It doesn't help that her doctor in France just seems to have plied her with morphine whenever she asked for it... the NHS doctors here were astounded and refused to keep her on it, saying it could kill her at any moment and they couldn't sign off on it. So now she's very combatative with nhs care.