AIBU - motherhood has ruined men for me

[Bettercallsaul2024]

I expect I am being unreasonable but since becoming a mum I have gone off men.

I had always adored men but now I see an incompetence I can’t get past. My husband is an ICU consultant - can handle huge pressure and stress but can’t be trusted to pack a fucking bag for a day to the zoo. He can handle the resuscitation of a child but can’t cope when OUR child has a tantrum. (I too am a hospital doctor so feel like I can make the comparison, and I do appreciate the workload of his job). He would never cope being up all night with our ill child yet can do nightshifts in ICU - I don’t get it?!

and it’s not ‘just’ him. I now see it everywhere. All the men in my family, though lovely, have so much less expected of them. Seen as great dads when they take the kids swimming despite the women doing all the parenting the rest of the week plus having a job/career.

sometimes I say to my mum - how are men able to organise complex things like war when they can’t do the sainsburys food shop without ringing their partner at least twice. She reasons that it’s because men usually only have one task to focus on at a time and so can do it well - behind the scenes women are doing EVERYTHING else.

I find myself unattracted to my husband but also all men really. At the park I see dads standing on their phones, getting cross and stressed when their kids are upset after a grazed knee. It’s so ugly to me!

I KNOW I am being unreasonable. But do others feel this way? I know not ALL men. It just so happens it’s ALL men I’ve ever interacted with

YABU: this is a DH thing. Men are just as wonderful as women

YANBU: men wouldn’t last one day as mothers

This was partly inspired by the thread about men sulking. Whilst I can think of a few men throughout my life who have sulked like that, I truly can’t think of any women who do

I agree. Too many of them seem to think they owe courtesy and diligence at work, but can be halfhearted at home. If a colleague had a meltdown of some kind at work, they’d manage the situation better than balancing the needs of different family members on a day out.

Exactly how I feel tbh. I am sure there are good men out there and men that do help but the truth is the majority have 101 excuses why they can't do the basics a woman can. For example I had an appointment this morning but I had to get up extra early to clean, get ready and get the kids ready, feed them, dress them while my DH napped it and woke up to just drop off. Many little examples and I do have a go all the time but for some reason men become clueless when it comes to kids. I am sure I will get some hate but this is coming from a very frustrated mum who has to pick up the slack of a dad and I am sure many mums feel the same..

I know there are plenty of men like you describe but it's unlikely it's every man you ever interact with, I think there's quite a bit of projection going on here because of your husband. This bit for example:

At the park I see dads standing on their phones, getting cross and stressed when their kids are upset after a grazed knee. It’s so ugly to me!

Plenty of women are like this too (myself included on a bad day), I've never observed this as a male thing.

This doesn’t resonate with me at all. My husband and I do similar jobs, he’s probably more competent than me in terms of packing toddler day and nursery bags!! We both pull our weight equally.

This is also true with couples in my close group of friends. Not sure if there is a link, but we all took some level of shared parental leave so each parent had sole care of the baby whilst the other went back to work. I think for us this gave a good perspective so we both got to experience being the one out to work and being the one at home.

The thing is what you are saying is true. There are much lower expectations of men than women. As you start to get on you eventually adapt and hopefully drag them upwards while you do it. I feel very lucky I have a great husband and some of my male friends are similar but they are far, far from the norm. I keep telling my daughters to have relationships with men capable of hard work but honestly your post shows you can never tell. That said I worked in construction and the sheer physically hard work and effort that some typically male jobs require would not leave much energy for much helping at home but medicine is not one of those jobs.

It’s (almost) weaponised incompetence. There maybe an element of the multitasking factor you mention, but I think that’s just being charitable.
My highly qualified Engineer DH can’t fold laundry or fill a dishwasher. It’s f@cking irritating.

I have told him that this is nothing but weaponised incompetence and he looks at me blankly like he doesn’t get it.

This. DH is at least as competent a parent as I am. Both of us have demanding professional jobs.

You would enjoy a Facebook group named "The bar for men is so low it's a tavern in Hades", @Bettercallsaul2024

God I've been having a tough time with my husband recently about this. I'm relieved I'm not alone!

My DH is and always has been very hands on, our 4 children are all adults and he helps them a lot. However he doesn't have anywhere near the instinct or intuition that I have, nor can he multitask the way I can. I honestly think that dad's are just not mums TBH.

I always find having jobs we each do makes life easier. It is always my husband job to pack my kids bags for nursery. I've never got involved because I'm often doing other things. He does it perfectly. If i want him to pick up a job I normally do he kinda falls apart. I normally do the washing with some side help from him but I have to be in charge of it. I have to tell him what load to put on, which setting to use. He says it's because he doesn't want to get it wrong and I'll get annoyed if he does it wrong so better to ask questions. If it was me I'd talk to him and say I need you to take on some jobs which you take sole charge of.

Have felt that way since around puberty when I discovered how predatory men can be as well as the obvious unfair division of labour in the home and elsewhere.

I guess you are lucky you discovered this later in life when you have already married and had children.

The discovery you have just made has caused me never to marry and have children because I felt I would really suffer and would struggle and no doubt get rid of guys like that, and I thought it would be unfair to bring up children in those circumstances. Ideally, I would have wanted to give them a pair of equally loving and devoted parents.

Now I’m older, I do think it would have been lovely to have some adult children about the place, so that is your silver lining in all this.

Negotiate with your husband relentlessly until you are satisfied with the division of labour, even if he doesn’t WANT to do some things, surely there are others he can agree to do to ease the pressure and exhaustion from you… for example if you’re up all night with the kids, he takes over ALL sorting of the house - cooking, cleaning, washing, the lot! And he’ll be getting off lightly - sleep deprivation is no joke!

Be very firm and get his arse in bloody gear!

Thankfully this isn't my experience with my husband or the men in our family. We don't agree on every parenting decision but we're equally involved and I haven't done a food shop in at least 4 years.

I was out for dinner recently and we were talking about this, and one friend was saying if her daughter had children she hoped she was gay. Her view was that was the only way her daughter was likely to have an equal partnership when it came to balancing work, children and life.

Her husband is a lovely man (and lots of people would think he's a good husband/dad - takes kids to clubs and parties, puts laundry on etc), but they both had professional jobs and were both meant to be doing 50/50 on childcare and home life so they could both work FT, but it was her that took on more of the mental load. She is now the one who has gone part-time (while he made Partner). I did post grad qualifications with these two and she got the highest marks in her year. If she had wanted this set up, that's fine, but she didn't and is now clearly not happy.

Some men CBA with housework or childcare because as far as they’re concerned it’s not their job. That’s that bottom line I think.

My highly qualified Engineer DH can’t fold laundry or fill a dishwasher. It’s f@cking irritating

Of course he can. Women weren't born knowing how to do these things. He just doesn't see it or your happiness as important. He doesn't care whether it's done and he knows you'll do it before it bothers him because he has no clean clothes in his drawers or the kitchen is full of dirty washing up.

My DH is a wonderful father, always hand on since the girls were tiny.

Yes it's infuriating. My husband also has a very responsible job (lives in his hands etc) yet as soon as he gets home he seems to have zero memory, is careless and gets distracted very easily. Therefore fucks up on a regular basis.

I also have a pressured job but have to be completely 'on it' at home...

And he wonders why I'm not desperate to tear his clothes off 🙄

Mine was very hands on in terms of doing activities - but would not have been able to pack a bag for them properly. But I’ve thought that might be inherited from his mother - neither can she. She went on holiday with us and was missing several things.

Your point about shared parental leave is very interesting. My partner and I didn’t do this and OP’s description of men is all too familiar to me.

He would never cope being up all night with our ill child yet can do nightshifts in ICU - I don’t get it?!
My take on this is that he prioritizes his efforts for things that get him status and recognition among his peers, presumably also increase his earning potential by making him look good at work etc.
Something that will score him a lot of points motivates him to put in the effort and cope, but mere domestic childcare doesn't score enough points for him to be bothered.
As ever it is men prioritising their own interests and expecting women to do the same i.e sacrifice their interests for those of the man.

Yeah fuck off with that guys, we see you now, do your own donkey work or fall by the wayside.

☕
Obviously yab a tiny bit u. Not all men and all that.
But your husband is a bit shit.
Mine also was completely stumped by the contents of a bag for a day out with a baby.
Never quite got to grips with what constitutes an acceptable packed lunch either.

Get him the fuck out of bed! Why are you allowing him to check out of being a parent? He does this because you allow it and tolerate it. If there are no consequences and you will do everything, why should he change?

Can you think of any consequences you may put in place?

I also agree with your mum OP that men can (mostly) do one task at a time, although often needing guidance just to do that.

They are utterly shit at multitasking. At least mine is.