AIBU - motherhood has ruined men for me

[Bettercallsaul2024]

I expect I am being unreasonable but since becoming a mum I have gone off men.

I had always adored men but now I see an incompetence I can’t get past. My husband is an ICU consultant - can handle huge pressure and stress but can’t be trusted to pack a fucking bag for a day to the zoo. He can handle the resuscitation of a child but can’t cope when OUR child has a tantrum. (I too am a hospital doctor so feel like I can make the comparison, and I do appreciate the workload of his job). He would never cope being up all night with our ill child yet can do nightshifts in ICU - I don’t get it?!

and it’s not ‘just’ him. I now see it everywhere. All the men in my family, though lovely, have so much less expected of them. Seen as great dads when they take the kids swimming despite the women doing all the parenting the rest of the week plus having a job/career.

sometimes I say to my mum - how are men able to organise complex things like war when they can’t do the sainsburys food shop without ringing their partner at least twice. She reasons that it’s because men usually only have one task to focus on at a time and so can do it well - behind the scenes women are doing EVERYTHING else.

I find myself unattracted to my husband but also all men really. At the park I see dads standing on their phones, getting cross and stressed when their kids are upset after a grazed knee. It’s so ugly to me!

I KNOW I am being unreasonable. But do others feel this way? I know not ALL men. It just so happens it’s ALL men I’ve ever interacted with

YABU: this is a DH thing. Men are just as wonderful as women

YANBU: men wouldn’t last one day as mothers

Yep. My husband is the most wonderful partner and friend, but his ineptitude is shocking. I am getting snippier and snippier at him. And he tries his best. His best is poor to fair.
I feel awful saying it because he is amazing in many other ways.

YANBU

My husband is a fabulous parent, he’s been better with the kids than me I’ll be honest. However I used to find myself saying I was “lucky” - and then would check myself. No I wasn’t lucky he is their dad and should be able to parent equally.

I used to notice it at work etc I had to work the odd Saturday a lot of the women I worked with’s partners were phoning up to ask her what to put the kids in, what was for lunch, etc.

I know they're not all like this. I know it. My own sons are capable and competent adults and true partners. But I kicked their dad out, leaving me to bring up five kids as a single mother, because of his seeming inability to do anything apart from get himself up and out to work. I got so sick of coming home to find kids in overfull nappies lurching around the kitchen holding knives while he watched TV with the sound turned up louder so as not to have to hear them fighting or arguing or screaming.

100% this! Women fought so hard for equality, the right to vote, the right to education, the right to work…. But in reality all we have done in the long term is double our workload, double the cost of living, lose time with our babies and ease the financial and emotional load of men (In my humble opinion!)

Is it the case that he wouldn’t pack a bag for the zoo exactly as you would?

I learnt quite early on with our twins that my DH would do things differently and that isn’t necessarily wrong, just his way. Obv there’s a limit if essentials are forgotten or if they’re doing something dangerous or neglectful. But I think too many mums want things done their way and there has to be compromise.

I might have been the same if I’d had one baby, I saw it all the time, the mum setting up the routine and the dad having to follow it to the letter. The fact I had two at once meant I had to unclench a bit and accept his way of doing things as well.

I went back to work when they were 9 months, DH did four long days at work and had every Wednesday off with them. He coped fine, even managed to get to some baby groups. They’re early 20s now.

Sadly true.

if I see a kid messing about or behaving badly in a cafe it’s usually with a dad (ignoring it).

there are some pros in that dads can be less uptight for want of a better word so let the kids be more adventurous but time and place would be good

YANBU. Could of written this post myself. Since having a child it's like I've lost all respect for men.
I'm sure they have their uses but certainly doesn't feel like it in the midst of motherhood.
Especially reading a lot of threads on here like this resonate with me so much!!

We shared parental leave and he was a stay at home dad so he is actually great at handling the grazed knees etc and he does more of the getting ready for school runs in the morning than I do.

But for the life of me I can't work out why I am the only one who remembers when they have PE or need to pay for a class trip or when they have homework due. He says he's just not 'good at that stuff'. I've accepted the mental load now as it seems inevitable, and on the plus side he dpesn't mind me delegating bits to him peacemeal. Plus side of being the organiser is I can choose which bits to keep/ delegate I suppose!

The majority are indeed like this. My husband, thank fuck, is not. Whilst trying not to sound smug, I feel bloody lucky because most men I see are irritatingly incompetent at looking after their kids and all associated tasks. DH works, does his ‘chores’, is hands on with the kids and a partner in the mental load. He is not perfect, the kids don’t really listen to him, but I’m short tempered so we both have our failings.

The bit about the grazed knee makes it scary that men are now routinely being given 50:50

You've summarised perfectly. Yes.

We stepped up, but men didn't. They just found a new way to oppress us. By exhausting us.

But the effect is a rapidly declining birth rate.

Is it because some men if they are being honest, either didn’t really want children or were ambivalent and just went along with it because their wives wanted a baby, so psychologically they see it as all child related stuff is fine to leave their wife because this is what she wanted? Not saying it’s ok at all but I suspect this is what men might think deep down.

I think extended paternity leave is the answer.

After my first's birth I was very ill both physically and with ppd. My dh took several months off and just basically took over everything.

He's the one who just gets stuff done and I take it for granted. He just trained himself up in those first few months.

Eg every evening... the living room and kitchen are a bombsite - I leave the baby with dh while I do dd's bath and bedtime - I come back down and the baby has had his daily bottle, the kitchen and living room have been tidied and cleaned, washing up done, and dh is sitting calmly on the sofa in a pristine room with the baby asleep and the monitor on. "Would you like a drink?" He multitasks it all...

Whereas if I'm alone with the baby and he does dd's bathtime, I'm breastfeeding on the sofa and that's it. Then the baby snoozes on my lap. Nothing else gets done! I just can't deal with tidying, cleaning, washing up, settling the baby etc all at once. My brain short circuits and I do every job badly.

So it's not innate (just as everyone on here says) it's just the way our society is set up with insanely short paternity leave.

Edit - I mean, just as everyone says, it's not innate! I'm agreeing. Phrased badly

I agree the bar is lower for men when it comes to parenting. A good example is a man I know whose wife walked out leaving him with the kids (I mean that alone is pretty rare so tells us something). The absolute hero worshiping he gets from women especially, even single mothers, who think he is some kind of god for being a single parent is unbelievable, he’s also offered help ‘to give him a break’ constantly. He’s a good dad, but no better than the single mums I know, and they don’t get the praise and offers of help he gets.

My DP can pack a bag, look after baby, put kids to bed fine. But he cannot fathom how he is supposed to complete any other tasks whilst looking after DS6 and a 4 month old. He was in a complete strop at the weekend that I had to work for 5 hours on Sat afternoon, and he had things to do! I had to explain it was perfectly possible to take both children outside with him. Even then the baby got dropped off at his Mum’s because he couldn’t shop with two children.

There's this great thing called communication where you can decide who does what jobs - and if you set the expectation before you have kids with them, it's not a surprise when they turn out to be a bone-idle father.

The issue isn't just men - it's women accepting laziness and not pulling men up on it.
I split jobs fairly evenly with my DW, but we both set that expectation very early on and we've stuck to it.
It's not a case of 'that's a woman's job' etc, more of a play-to-your-strengths thing.

As for the OP, she must have the most useless crowd of men around - I can see why that's off putting!
Many men are perfectly capable of taking their kids on holiday unaided, performing a food shop etc. It's not difficult.

One of my friends has a theory that we all need a wife. And I’m inclined to agree.

The only thing is that my kids seem to scream for me and not dh. Especially my older one and I'm hoping it's just a phase.

Time to brush your teeth "I want mummy to do it!" Time to get dropped off at nursery "Mummy do drop off!" Fallen down and grazed knee "AAARGH MUMMY"

Why? Why won't they accept their dad? Especially comforting after a graze? Is it because I smell more comforting because of the memory of breastfeeding or something (wild theory)?! It's not because I'm nicer about it, I'm the cranky impatient one.

I don't know why, but it's doing my head in at the moment. I hate being so constantly in demand.

We did shared parental leave and are very much equal parents. I think it is too easy for the man to let the woman become the default parent if they have had a year with the baby doing everything.

Plus side of being the organiser is I can choose which bits to keep/ delegate I suppose!
@Barleysugar86
I would focus on working this to your advantage to its fullest extent.
This is one of the ways that men manage to keep the upper hand, they instinctively work every situation to their advantage.

Drag them upwards - love this!

I think that’s what’s happened in my family and now DH definitely does more than his fair share of the physical load with our DCs 8 and 5 - night wakings, bedtimes, lunch boxes, packing for days out, running them around activities.

I definitely still do more of the behind the scenes stuff - homework, reading books, arranging their clubs, arranging play dates. Listening to parenting podcasts/reading books and sharing them with DH (he is yet to read a single book but he at least listens to the podcasts).

But physically he is very much an equal parent and has always done more night wakings than me, actually, as he’s a better sleeper and can get up and back to sleep himself quickly. This shows as in the night, he is the default parent and the DC come to his side of the bed to wake him before me 😁

When our first DC was born, he was totally hands on with the nappies/bottles etc but he did used to ask questions like “shall I put him in his bouncer now” as if I had the answers to everything!

Can't say my DH is the useless turd you describe most men. I'd say it's 50/50 as some of my friends have useless partners but not all

Habit? Before baby #2, DP used to do all the night waking for DS (to be fair, he doesn't normally wake up), and we alternated bedtimes. It took a couple of months but now he calls for me if he wakes in the night. Also he used to call for DP for all the things you mention (probably because she breastfed up to 14 months), but now it's pretty much 50:50 which one of us he wants (and if thwarted, generally tries asking for the other one: 'no, you can't have another story' 'I want Mama!').

I have to say that in my own family I'm definitely better at managing the childcare, mental load, life admin etc than my DH. For us, this isn't a problem as I'm naturally one of life's organisers, I enjoy it, I chose to work part time so I could focus on all this stuff. I don't resent my husband for being a little clueless sometimes. We both contribute to family life in different ways. I just want to add, my DH isn't useless. He's taken the kids away many times, often looks after them etc and it's all good.
I do know other dads who are absolutely brilliant and not as you're describing men. One of our best friends (male) is a married teacher with two kids. Both he and his wife work full time in similar roles. He does more or less everything! Meal planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning. He also takes the kids out a lot at the weekend or away camping etc while his wife relaxes at home. I know several other men who are similar. I fully acknowledge all the men that are not so capable (or pretend not to be capable).

Yeah, I feel an element of this too. I would describe it as a form of selfishness. For example, DH will sort himself out - have a coffee, go for a shower, browse on his phone - before he will finally make himself available for kid duties. A couple of good examples from a recent holiday - an hour before we were due to leave for the airport, during peak last minute packing chaos, he decided he would take himself off to the barbers for a haircut. And in the mornings he would diligently shower and apply his own sunscreen before the kids . . . and when I ask him to pack a beach bag, he forgets most of the essentials (refillable water bottles, baby hat, poncho towel etc.)

I address it every single time - I'm not letting him away with being less than an equal partner - but this has done immeasurable damage to our relationship as he now sees me as a nag, whereas I resent him as I feel like I'm the grown-up that organises and is in charge of everything.

It's really, really depressing.