To tell a friend not to wait at my door every morning

[BeepyBoo]

I have a friend who gets competitive about my friendships and the friendships our children have. Our two children are both the same age. Throughout primary school there has been a pattern of her not liking me talking to other Mums or liking it if my kids meet up with other kids. I like her, but I find her quite intense.

A year ago she started parking outside my house every morning early before school, so that she could drop her daughter off to walk into school with my daughter, because she didn’t like the fact that my daughter walked with friends from over the road. This means that her son rings our doorbell and they hang around outside, talking to my son at the door, waiting for me.

We walk into school together. We also walk home together. If I talk to another Mum she comes in the middle of us and totally takes over the conversation. Other Mums have noticed this and say she’s my little sidekick. She arranges get-togethers with them, which she loves to drop in the conversation.

I recently told her that she is coming round to my house too early because it is often in the middle of my son’s morning guitar practice, and it stops him practising. This has coincided with another event - she found out my son is doing cricket (he does every year) with most of the boys in the class, and her son isn’t. She found out my daughter plays at the park with friends during cricket and that made her anxious….there was an awkward play date where she said how upset her children are about it, and then she started dropping her daughter off at cricket.

Since I told her she was coming around too early, she is now ignoring me. Not coming around at all, keeping a distance on school runs, not responding to general WhatsApp messages (including me saying there is space at cricket if she wants to sign up). ?!? Any views on this please….., thank you

To be honest it sounds like you have had a narrow escape, I would walk away.

I knew a mom like this once. In fact I had brought her in and introduced her to the group, because I knew her from elsewhere.

Our kids had a falling out and she started controlling everyone and pushing me out... literally, I recall her standing in front of me to push me out of a chat one time 😂

It was very confusing because you don't expect this mean girl behaviour from grown ups.

I found the whole thing very upsetting and eventually confided in one of the other mom's. She laughed! Turns out none of them could stand her, but only tolerated her on my behalf because I 'brought her in'.

Things changed pretty quickly then and she ended up removing her precious daughter from the school. I haven't seen her since. However a friend contacted me months later (her kids go to a different school). She met a mom at a kids sports group, but alarm bells rang and she remembered me telling her about this woman. It was the same one... doing the same thing!

It's tough when the kids are friends, but I suggest you just keep her at arms length

be thankful that she's taken the hint
don't re-engage

There's nothing worse than people forcing themselves into your life without an invitation is there, nor asking you if it's ok if ......... it's just rude. What else could you have said instead - nothing. Could you have put it to her in a different way - probably - but the error was on her part and you & your children don't need interruptions in a morning. Whatever you'd said would have had the same result. Had she said "oh i'm sorry I didn't realise, no worries" - then no harm done. If you hadn't nipped it in the bud your children would have felt suffocated as well as you. Once they're at big school they'll be sorting themselves out friendwise - you can sit back & listen to all the squabbles when they get home - then you'll have to teach them how to deal with all sorts, trust me it's essier than dealing with pushy parents.

She's unhinged and more possessive than velcro.

She sounds absolutely suffocating. I understand why you're concerned as you're worried it's going to affect your relationships with other mums if she's complaining about you, but hopefully they can see what she's like especially if they're saying she's your little sidekick. Try to nurture those other relationships, set up play dates etc. She's punishing you, she'll probably come back at some point and pretend nothing was wrong! Don't apologise to her (she probably wants you to come back grovelling). Try not to let her back into your life too much if possible although I guess it's hard if your kids are friends. Keep firm boundaries up at least!

I think your both bonkers tbh her for her strange behaviour and you for complaining about it then chasing after her when she finally leaves you alone , make your own plans with the other mums or do your own thing I'll never understand parents being up each others arses I'll give a polite nod or hello occasionally but sack getting dragged into all the drama and pettiness

I think she’s a narcissist. I have been through similar with another mum at school. The punishments, the smug smiles at me when she’s with mums without us. I blocked her. It felt like I was the scapegoat - someone for her to complain about, so I thought it must be someone else’s turn. I wish you the best of luck BeepyBoo.

I voted YABVU because you've finally got rid of her and instead of thanking God, you're now chasing after her AGAIN! do you really want her to come and join you at Cricket??? frankly she sounds slightly unhinged. I would leave well alone and recoup your brood and their normal friendships.

<<who parks outside someone's house to make sure their dc doesn't walk to school with somebody else..tut!tu!tut! mutters to oneself>>
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OK, so i just read your update but not going to delete what i said previously - what does it matter if she is acting like you offended her? grow up! forget about this nightmare mum. What she thinks or doesn't think doesn't matter an iota. As if anything she did would be rational!

Oh god, she sounds insane. The trouble with people like this is you have to cut them off completely, even if it’s a bit uncomfortable - sounds like you’re too late for a slow fade.
I recently had one like this, but nipped it in the bud early. I got extremely frosty silent treatment from my new ‘friend’ after daring to speak to other mums in the playground for a couple of days.

If she expected me to pander to her bad mood and ask what was wrong, she was sorely mistaken - I left her to it and haven’t spoken to her since 🤣There were a few red flags about her before that, so that was the final straw - as I get older I have less and less tolerance for this kind of nonsense, having been a target for emotionally manipulative people in the past. Keep toxic people out of yours and your children’s lives!

I agree with this post, especially this bit: I think you just have to remember that other people (even very unreasonable people like her) have their own thoughts and feelings and you don’t get to decide what they should be. She’s stopped doing what you asked her to stop doing but you can’t make her be happy about it too and act totally normally otherwise!

@BeepyBooyou may feel you have done nothing wrong (and from all you've written, it sounds as though you have acted perfectly reasonably) but she doesn't see it this way and unfortunately there is nothing you can do about her perception. So I would just keep my distance, be polite and friendly if you encounter her but no more than that. It sounds as though she has never matured beyond an emotional age of about 12.

You've dodged a bullet, consider it a fortunate escape.

This! From aged 4, right into my early 20s, I always seemed to attract needy, clingy friends like this, who wanted to be involved in everything I did. It was exhausting, but I was always too nice to say anything. I've since learnt to be firmer!

Fuck her!!

She sounds fucking mental. I was going to say move house and don't tell her your new address, but she is now leaving you alone... result! Bye Felicia👋🏻

Needy and possessive people do not good friends make.

You might be on the outside of the circle at the moment but sooner or later everyone will get tired of her.

Is she called Martha

It’s giving baby reindeer. Block her.

YABU for knocking it now she's got the idea to back the hell off.

She's toxic. Good she's backing off. People like this push the envelope and are often insanely jealous and unpleasant. If she get's difficult again speak strongly to her and don't let her into your life.

"The reason for this post on a AIBU is because she is behaving as if I have done something wrong."

In her eyes, you have done something wrong - you have failed to worship her.

It's a tricky one, since your DC are friends with her DC.

"She’s very ‘in’ with other Mums and arranges a lot of get together and play dates, so on my part I now am expecting to be shut out a bit, which doesn’t feel nice."
Honestly, I would expect at least some of the other mums are holding her at arm's length for exactly the same reasons as you. The trick is to find out which ones, and form a support group for each other. Start arranging meet-ups, maybe around the cricket mums, maybe just random. Play dates, coffee. You will find your tribe, and leave this Single White Female to her own devices.

I felt a little relief at your last sentence, even though I don't know her. Don't start it all up again by engaging with her unnecessarily, just leave it!

And she couldn’t hear the music practice when she rang the doorbell? She’s jealous of your children and of you. Even worse is she’s destructive - you give plenty of examples.
You’re well rid.

She sounds hard work and very manipulative.. People with healthy relationships and boundaries do not act in this bizarre manner.

Sounds like you're in a relationship with her - whether you realise it & whether you like it, or not! 🫢
On a serious note, this isn't going to end well and it isn't going to result in a healthy, normal friendship with her, regardless of what transpires from this point onwards.